Disclaimer: I do not own Clamp's character.
Author's thanks: to my muse…..whatever it/she/he is for finally cooperating (grumbles). Wind Wanderer (yes! This IS Yaoi infested! Buhahahah! And more of it in this chapter as well!). Mel-Chan-Of-Doom I apologise for the besmirching of the Seme name but…..that's how things are in Clamp, blame them not me . Kitten of Destruction, thank you!. Whitesakura my dear, my darling (hug). Wchan39 thank you! I bet no one recognized the song Tree-san was singing but never mind, that's how things are in my sick, sad little brain. Morithil thank you!
Warnings: EEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL! Oh and some bad language.
Author's notes: I love my newly burnt mixture of Cowboy Bebop, Chobits, Fruits Basket, X, Hellsing and Gravitation soundtracks….i love it so much…..
Oh and Happy Passover and Mimuna for any of you who were celebrating!
Chapter 5 - Revenge
After a whole night of plotting, giving up, cheering each other up, plotting again, giving up again and so on, the Union members had little patience to interview new members.
It was only out of sheer luck that the next candidate was definitely a future Union member and they had very little to ask her about.
Carried on a small throne looking awfully like her tea house at the basement of the Diet building, Hinoto was brought before the Union member's row of interviewing tables.
Looking awfully exhausted and slightly irritated, Hien and Sohi placed the throne down and stepped ceremoniously backwards to allow their mistress free conversation with the Union.
"Ah! Hinoto-sama" Kamui noted through the heavy veil of sleep deprived blur before his eyes "welcome to the Union" he managed to mumble before his head dropped to the table with a painful sounding bang.
"So….so I'm in?" the deaf, dumb and blind dreamgazer noted, tapping merrily on her pinball machine (bet you no one understood that little tribute!).
"Yes, I mean, no" Subaru managed to shake enough sleep off of him to realise the impending horror.
"No!" Hinoto frowned.
"You see Hinoto….we'd love to have you around but….." the onmyouji moved around uncomfortably "There's a small problem"
"Problem?"
"Ah! That problem……" Kamui snapped his head back to reality and coherence "yes….quite a problem indeed"
"What problem!" the dreamgazer folded her hands on her chest, irritated.
"You're….umm….schizophrenic….and the other you is….kinda…." Subaru was darting begging glances at Kamui for his comrade to help him.
"The other you wants to kill us all and, you see, we kinda want to live"
Hinoto blinked a few times.
"Wait a minute comrades" Chun Hyang bent over her table to catch Subaru and Kamui's eyes "are you going to abandon this poor comrade!"
"No, not at all, in fact you're quite welcomed to join us and there's no doubt that you are an abused Clamp character but before we put you in here we need to take care of that murderous side of yours"
The rest of the Union members agreed, nodding their heads and mumbling silently.
Kakyou woke up (!), took a sleepy look at Hinoto, pointed his finger at her and began laughing mockingly.
The Union stared at him in shock.
Kakyou laughed on.
Hinoto glared.
"Knock it off dude" Kudo tried stopping the effeminate dreamgazer with little success.
"What are you mocking her about for anyway!" Kazuhiko tried placing the fragile pointing hand away and found that Kakyou was surprisingly strong.
"I got here for free, bitch"
"Hey, hey now Kakyou, there's no need to be like that, remember this fic is rated PG-13….I mean…uh….what was it again!" Miyuki took a look at new rating list "T!...K….oh fuck it"
"Miyuki!" Utako called out "now Kakyou-san, why would you say such things to her?"
"She called me ugly!" the dreamgazer shot back.
"You called me fat!" Hinoto charged back, her fragile little babyish hands trembling.
"You pulled my hair!"
"You scratched me!"
"Enough!" Syaoran called out, slamming his palm on the table, glaring at the bickering two.
"Yeah, if you keep teasing her she'll flip into her Black mode and you know what happens then" Kamui giggled.
Subaru shot his DoH leader a reprimanding glare "Enough of that!" he called out, scanning the faces in the room with a glare until everyone went silent. "May I remind you that we have greater enemies out there and that we did not yet devise a plan as to how we will deal with them; this is not the time to bicker amongst ourselves"
He scanned the faces around him until they were all truly listening and shameful of their silly behaviour. Subaru sat down.
"Now Hinoto-sama, before you can join us we must ask you to go see a psychologist who will give you the right medication to deal with your…eh….problem…" he shot a fiery glare at Kakyou who snickered "and only until you will be completely clear of any murderous other selves will we allow you to live with us. Until then the risk is too high"
"What!" Sohi stepped forward, Hien copying her actions "you mean we now have to carry her around the city in this ridiculous throne, all the way to a psychiatrist!"
"We thought we'll only have to bring her here and you'll baby-sit her from now on" Hien chimed in.
"Sohi, Hien" Hinoto called out "how dare you!"
"No, how dare you!" Sohi pointed viciously at Subaru "telling us to keep carrying her around, do you know how heavy she is!"
"Do you think sitting around all day and hardly moving besides bowing from time to time makes you lose weight!" Hien joined in.
Kakyou fell into a fit of giggles on the floor "Told you you was a fat ho……ho"
Subaru took a long deep breath and stood up "Get out, take her to a psychiatrist, come back, then dump her here again, alright?"
There was no room for argument or talk backing in his tone.
Miserable, Sohi and Hien grabbed the throne once more and heaved Hinoto away, receiving heavy, stinging and quite personal verbal abuse from their mistress.
As he sat back down to rest Subaru noted the rest of his comrades have fallen asleep on the table, exhausted from the day before of abuse and the night before of plotting to revenge said abuse.
He shrugged, noting the bare table looked suddenly enticing and awfully comfortable to sleep on. He folded his arms on the table and, leaning his head on his arms, fell into sleep like a heavy rock in water.
The Union members were woken up sharply at the sound of an awful, heat tearing, and inhuman scream of terror emerging from the house next door, the House of the Rising (Evil) Bishie.
In panic, they began counting their members to make sure no one was snatched away to that house of torture while they slept.
"Subaru…."
"They might have caught you!"
"I'm right here Subaru……"
"They might have hurt you!"
"I'm fine and healthy Subaru…."
"You might be suffering internal injuries you have yet to recognise but will prove fatal later!"
"I don't think I can sustain any internal injuries where your hands are, Subaru, and if I did I'd know about it by now, as you know, that place is quite sensitive to any kind of touch…."
"But…..but……"
"STOP GORPING ME SUBARU! NOW!"
The light onmyouji did as he was ordered to, hanging his head in shame.
Kamui was swearing under his breath, mumbling something about how Subaru was learning the wrong things from Fuma and why on earth was he learning anything from Fuma in the first place!
"Hey guys, check this out, you won't believe it!" Freya was standing at the window the two neighbouring houses shared, looking into the rivalling house.
Kazuhiko joined her at the window, his ever strategic army-thinking mind immediately launched into analysing the view before him for the best of the Union.
The Brat Quartet was on the floor, twitching and moaning in horrid pain, clutching their heads as if attempting to crack them open. They were rolling on the floor like big black and evil caterpillars.
Noting the Tsubasa Seishiro walking into the room followed by his double, Kazuhiko grabbed Freya and lowered them both away from the two evil semi-twins' view. From this spot, he explained to the persocom, they would be able to listen to the two's conversation and discover what it is that caused the Brats so much agony. When they will discover that, they will have a weapon in their hands with which to avenge the abuse they suffered from that house.
It all began when Fuma sat down on the living room couch to read a book, yes, read a book.
"Yo man, WTF man?" Rikou walked over to his fellow brat, followed by Kurogane and Kakuyo.
Fuma raised his evil eyes from the book to the other brats "What?"
"Why are you reading a book man, that's so un-bratty"
"Ah, but it's not just any book" Fuma's evil grin spear, letting them see the book's title "this is 'How to Become a Successful Business Man' by Kazunori Honma"
The other brats blinked, stunned.
"And it even comes with a free first corn cob!" Fuma chirped, waving the sinister corn cob.
Kakuyo shuddered "I am SO not sharing a shower with you anymore!"
"awwww" Fuma slumped "you're no fun anymore!"
"Never mind that man" Kurogane shook the shock off "you're still un-bratty when reading a book." he cracked a beer can open "We brats laze in front of the TV all day and do nothing, we definitely don't read a book man!"
And with that he switched the television on and slumped on the sofa besides Fuma, keeping a safe distance from the corn cob.
Switching on the television proved as a very bad thing to do. For it was daytime, early daytime, and the television was screening children's shows.
The show they turned on was Clamp's own Sweet Valerian, filled with cute little bunnies that fight anger and anxiety in a cute fluffy way like only someone as twisted and perverted and cute loving can produce.
The brats took one look at the sugar coated sweetness and produced that awful scream of horror the Union members heard. They were on the floor in immense pain a moment afterwards.
The scene Kazuhiko and Freya eavesdropped followed soon after.
"What! What happened to them!" the Tsubasa Seishiro called out, alarmed at the sight of his fellows in pain.
"Look at the television" X and TB Seishiro said, averting his eyes to avoid the same pain.
The other Seishiro looked at the television, unharmed and blinked "Awwwww, they're so cute these little furry bunnies!"
The evil Seishiro turned a hateful glare at his shame bringing doppelganger "You think they're cute!"
"Yeah! I mean look at them! They're bunnies, and so sweet with their little pink noses! Awww, their noses are so pink!"
"Do you know why they're so pink, Seishiro-kun?"
Tsubasa Seishiro turned big innocent eyes to his fellow Seishiro "No…why?"
"They once were white, white as snow, but then….their heart pumped blood through their veins and they became pink!"
The kind Seishiro's eyes shoujo-twitched, tears forming in his eyes "But….but….isn't the heart behind their noses in pain?"
"Fu fu fu, you're so kind, Seishiro-kun…..WHIIIIIIIIMP!" and following that, the evil Seishiro smacked his double's neck and stormed off, muttering something about kicking this shaming of his name out of this house.
Insulted, the other Seishiro walked to the television and turned it off. Helping the other brats back to their feet and to a healthy nice cup of relaxing tea, he walked up to his room to cry into his pillow because the other him is evil and nasty to him.
"We have discovered a weak point!" Kazuhiko exclaimed as soon as he finished trench-crawling away from the window most combat like.
"They hate cute things, can't stand them" Freya completed her over enthusiastic comrade's words.
"A-ha!" Subaru called out, now fully awake at this impending ability to avenge the abuse he and his comrades sustained so far "so we'll go out and find something so cute they cannot withstand it!
And so they sat and plotted, running a few calls whenever the right idea came to mind.
They had devised the following plan:
They will hang a huge screen on the side of their house facing the HR(E)B's house and show pictures of adorable, sweet things until the brats and other evil biehsies will have no choice but to evacuate.
The source of these pictures, they devised, will be none other then X's own unbearable sweetness; Nekoi Yuzuriha and her puppy-mode Inuki.
Yuzuriha leaped into the room merrily fifteen minutes after they called her over.
"Nekoi Yuzuriha here at your service!" she shrilled, breaking a few glasses, windows and definitely the nerves of some Union members with slightly bigger-then-average angst lobes.
"Great, now, Yuzuriha-chan, please come here" Subaru motioned the inugami mistress towards a wall they draped with a white fabric and cornered with fashion shoots equipment.
"Ooo! What's this? Are you going to take my picture?" Yuzuriha bounced on the balls of her feet towards the picture shooting spot.
"Yes Yuzuriha-chan, we're going to take your picture and…."
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, that's okay, I know what to do!" she chirped back, cutting through Kamui's directions.
"You….you do!"
"Yeah sure! I've done this a lot for Kusanagi-san!" and with that she began taking all sorts of positions which mostly led to great parts of her underwear exposed under her skirt, her childish appearance moving from mere shoujo to outright shota, and mostly tearing the lollipop in her hand from 'sweets' to the same category as Fuma's corn cob.
Inuki waited patiently for his mistress to finish, obviously used to such things.
The Union members took half an hour to recover the shock, nausea and terror.
They kindly excused Yuzuriha and retired to their bedrooms to recover and get some sleep.
The next day the Union put on the screen, the projector and various security equipment Kazuhiko provided to keep the two things from being demolished by the HR(E)B members.
Instead of Yuzuriha they screened pictures and bits of movies from Seiichiro Aoki's wedding which proved to be just as fatal and annoyingly sweet.
In return, the HR(E)B shut all their windows and seized to walk out to their back yard. Which was a shame because they began developing cabin fever and bickered to no end, lashing out at the Union's house next door with abuse ten folds worse.
A random man was happily taking a morning walk on the sidewalk before the two houses when suddenly a Rikou leaped into his view.
"Congratulations sir!" the evil bishie screamed, waving his hands happily "You are the five hundred person to have walked that particular part of the sidewalk!"
"What!"
"And for that you get a prize!"
"A prize you said?" the man began sounding a little less suspicious now.
"Yes! This very beautiful and brand new shinken!" Rikou handed the man the huge shiny and very Jewish sword, placing it ceremoniously in the man's hand.
"Wow! Gees, thanks!" the man smiled and began walking away, thinking to himself that he has no idea what he'll do with this huge thing but it'll definitely help attracting the girls.
Rickou left soon afterwards.
"Hold it!" Fuma walked into his view now, looking quite irritated.
"What!" the man shuddered, protecting his shinken.
"That is my shinken you have there!"
"N…no it's not….I just won it!"
"But it's mine!" Fuma took a few threatening steps towards the man, glaring at him.
"But I just won it" the man whimpered miserably, knowing he's going to lose the fight.
"now now gentleman, no need to argue" X and TB Seishiro walked into the little quarrel, placing his hands friendly on their shoulders "there is a simple solution to this"
"there is?" the two asked him, doubtfully.
"Yes, for you know very well that there are two shinkens Fuma"
"Oh…right…."
The man darted his eyes suspiciously from one evil bishie to the other.
"And you can have this, I mean, your shinken if you'll only bring this man the other shinken and both of you will be happy"
"Hmmm" Fuma contemplated "very well, bring me this shinken and I'll go get you the other one" he reached his palm to the man.
The man pulled his shinken away violently "Not so fast! How do I know you're not just going to run off with my shinken!"
"Ah….a problem…" Seishiro rubbed his chin thoughtfully "But I have a solution! Why won't you, Fuma-kun, leave this man with a deposit while you'll go get the other shinken and when you'll return you'll have it back"
the man seemed to be pleased with this offer and so, with much murmuring, Fuma left him with his super cool John Lennon glasses (Super Cool John Lennon Glasses number 15, the other 14 were broken by Kamui on various occasions) and was off on his way.
"Wait just a second there Fuma-kun! I believe this isn't quite enough of a deposit"
"Eh!"
"The frog too"
Fuma glared fire and sulphur at Seishiro….but handed the Holy Frog (Devil's Holy Messenger) to the man for deposit.
"And so" Seishiro turned to the man "I bid you adieu, I have business to attend to, have a nice day"
"Ah yes, thank you very much for helping me with this!" the man waved him goodbye.
"AAAAAAAAAAA! LEAVE IT ALONE FUMA! IT'S MY SHINKEN, LEAVE IT ALONE!"
"Here you go sir, your shinken" Fuma handed the Kamui-covered shinken to the man with a kind smile, cashing back his Super Cool John Lennon Glasses and Satan's Holy Messenger Mister Frog-san.
"Uh…..mister….."
"Yes?" with an innocent stare, Fuma turned back to the man gently holding the shinken and Kamui on it by the tip "is there a problem sir?"
"Uh….yeah there is…..you see….there's an uke attached to my shinken…."
"I AM NOT AN UKE! RELEASE THE SHINKEN, IT'S MINE!"
"Ah, I see. You have a wish sir!"
"….I do…!"
"Yes, to remove this uke from your shinken"
"Yeah well….that's kind of obvi…"
"I will now grant your wish, as I will later on grant the earth's wish!"
"Eh!"
"Oh, ignore that, it's just an attack line like Team Rocket's or Sailor Moon's, pay no attention"
"I see"
And with that Fuma began reaching over to Kamui, trying to tickle him in a most molesting fashion off the shinken.
"NOOOOOO! I WILL NO LET GO OF THE SHINKEN, IT'S MINE! Eep! Not there!" and with that Kamui was relieved of the shinken, grabbed and hauled across Fuma's shoulder.
Fuma, with a victorious smile, began heading over to the HR(E)B house.
"LET GO OF ME FUMA! IT WAS MY SHINKEN! LET…." Kamui's mobile phone rang "Hello….ah, Imonoyama-sama….what do you mean status report on the shinken's security! IT'S F---ING STOLEN HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED YOU BLOND DIMWIT!...it's not!...it's well kept in the Heart of the Devine Protection!...I see…..I see…..yes, I apologise for what I said before….yes….thank you….goodbye"
Kamui shut his cell phone and glared at Fuma "It was your shinken, wasn't it…."
"What! Nonsense, if it was my shinken why would you so lovingly attach it to yourself?"
"Because you waved it at me and said 'Looky here Kamui, I've got your shinken! Come and get me'"
"Oh, that….well….too late"
Half an hour and half a corn cob later Kamui was once again rescued from the evil clutches of his twin star using Kazuhiko's firearms.
When he returned, somewhat limping and refusing at all costs to sit down, Kamui was seething "We are going to make them beg for mercy" he growled, his eyes on fire.
"Yes, but how!" Miyuki whimpered.
"We are going to send in something so sweet and cute and unbearable they will run away and never come back….any of you know of such a thing?"
The Union thought long and hard.
"I think…." Syaoran mumbled to himself "I mean I know that Kurogane hates Mokona with all his might and that Mokona is indeed quite a pain to something evil like those demons"
"Um….by 'Mokona' do you mean a round white fluff ball with rabbit ears and a big pink gem on the forehead?" Utako asked, fearful.
"Yes, why?"
"They used both the white one and the black one as target practice last week….so sorry…." She winced.
"Aw rats…." Syaroan propped down into a chair with defeat.
Kamui looked at the youth with envy at his ability to do that right now.
"Wait!" Syaoran leaped off his chair almost immediately "I know someone else who can squeeze that behaviour from Kurogane!"
"Rikou! Go clean your room!"
"What!"
"It's a pigsty! Go clean your room, NOW!"
"Hell no!"
"Damn it Seishiro, why on earth are you behaving like our mother!" Kakuyo slammed his beer can on the living room table.
Tsubasa Seishiro burst into rage, shooting to the living room table with a small placement "And how many time have I told you, Kakuyo, to not place your cans on the table without a placement! You're going to discolour the table's wood!"
"That's it!" Fuma snapped "You don't do anything evil, you always bitch about us like a mother hen, you are a pain in the corn-hole and you're not doing anything to compensate for it!"
"Yes!" TB and X Seishiro chimed in "And you bring shame to anything evil I've ever done in my life!"
"That's right! Tsubasa Seishiro, you are hereby kicked out of the HR(E)B! Go upstairs, pick up your whimpy little bags and leave this house immediately!"
sneering and whimpering a little, the kind Seishiro turned around, barking a whiny little "Fine!" at them and shot up to his room to pack his bags.
"Good riddance!" Kurogan spat after him.
That's when the doorbell rang.
"I'll go get it" Fuma walked to the door and opened it, looking down most pleased at Fai D. Flowright at the door "Well, how you doin'?" he smirked.
"I'm doing fiiiiiine!" Fai chirped, waving out his little drum and drumsticks he got from the bunny rabbit people in the land right after Outo Country.
He shot forward, doing a cute little happy dance, beating his drum and chirping merrily to the tune he was playing.
Immediately Kurogane released a shrill of sheer agony and shot under the kitchen table, reduced to a mumbling heap of horror.
"Hey Kuro man, what's up with that? It's just a harmless little cute uke, ne?" Fuma walked back into the house, trying to grab Fai's attention.
But Fai was too busy dancing in circles around Kakuyo who began caving in to the sheer niceness and happiness the blond was emitting.
"What…what are you doing!" the son of the devil mumbled, cold sweat covering his body.
"I'm doing the little dance I learn from the rabbit people, isn't it cute?"
"It…..it……it……." Kakuyo was trembling violently by now "IT IS! AAAAAAAA!" he dashed away to join Kurogane in his little shelter.
Next Fai spotted the TB and X Seishiro, standing with a burning cigarette at the entrance to the living room.
"Aw, but you know that smoking is bad for you!"
Before Seishiro could do anything about it, Fai ripped the cigarette out of his hand, pick pocketed him for the rest of the carton and leaped over to the toilet, where he flushed it all down.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YOU BLOND IDIOT!" Seishiro heard himself scream.
"Dude, Seishiro…." Fuma had no one left to talk to; Seishiro bolted to the nearest kiosk to buy new cigarettes.
The evil bishie now darted his eyes to the last survivor of his posse; Rikou, who began trembling as Fai neared him, doing his cute little dance.
"Rikou man, Rikou, get yourself together man!" Fuma grabbed his brother in evil by the shoulders, shaking him a little as the evil teen took note of Fai slowly drawing nearer and nearer to Fuma from behind.
"It's just an uke! You shouldn't go hide from him under the kitchen table; you should (censured) him under the kitchen table! Rik….."
Fuma stopped talking as he felt the light weight of a small, green, frog shaped doll on his scalp. Trembling (with anger), he turned to Fai who was beaming a huge smile at him.
"Awww, you look so cute and silly!"
"THAT'S IT! NO ONE, I MEAN NO ONE touches my frog!"
A small chase began in the living room with Fuma in mad pursuit, shedding more and more of his sanity as he goes, and Fai shrilling merrily and ducking every of Fuma's attempts to grab him and put an end to his cute and happy life.
The chase ended with Fuma a dribbling miserable heap under the kitchen table around which Fai now began to circle, beating his drum and doing his cute little dance.
To this strange scene Tsubasa Seishiro walked down, carrying his suitcases as he descended the staircase. "Fai-san" he mumbled, surprised.
"Seishiro-san!" Fai chirped, shooting over to the staircase while doing his dance.
Seishiro remained unharmed.
Fai beamed his huge smile.
Seishiro beamed his flat, fake, other world version of the trademark 'kind veterinarian' smile.
Fai beamed on.
Seishiro's hidden evil smirk widened.
Fai smiled on.
"You know what happened last time we played the smiling game" Seishiro purred.
Fai was out of the house two nano-seconds afterwards.
He brushed past TB and X's Seishiro as the man walked in with his beloved new carton of Mild 7, which he neurotically hid from Fai as the blond ran away past him, screaming.
The Brat Quartet climbed from under the table, staring at Tsubasa Seishiro with awe.
"You….you made him go away!" Rikou called out.
"You saved us!" Kurogane whimpered.
"Hmmm, yes, it seemed I did…." Seishiro pretended to be careless "Oh well, I'll be on my way now, you kicked me out remember?" he walked down a few more steps before the four brats blocked his way.
"You can't leave!" they screamed together "You have to stay here and protect us from that blond demon! Please!"
Smirking triumphantly, Tsubasa Seishiro took his handbags once more and began climbing the stairs back to his room "Very well boys, now go clean your rooms!"
"Sir, yes sir!" they rushed past him like a hurricane.
Seishiro sniggered.
"Hey, Seishiro" came his voice from down in the living room.
It was the TB and X Seishiro, looking up at him with the mask of pride and happiness "That was very well done"
Tsubasa Seishiro returned him a look of fake happiness "Thank you"
"I'm proud of you"
"Thank you"
They then launched the Super Evil Seishiro Creatures version of a high five; they smiled the trademark kind smile at each other.
……
the ground shook under their feet, cracks in the very surface of the earth opened, bursting out with showers of lava, devouring the two houses along with some other buildings in the neighbourhood:
Those two were simply too evil to be tolerated by the planet.
The Union members, along with the HR(E)B members, who managed to escape their houses before it tumbled down onto them could only stand at a safe distance and stare in terror at the two Seishiro standing each on the cliff edge of the opened crack in the earth's crust, still smiling at each other as all hell broke loose around them.
(tbc)
Next Time on Abused Clamp Characters Union: what will the Union members do now that they haven't a headquarters to hide and operate from!