Chapter 13

Archer and Malcolm were having coffee in the Captain's mess-hall after a light dinner. They had talked all the time about some improvements Malcolm had in mind for the armory and Archer had approved them fully.
"We'll be back to Earth in a couple of days, but I don't want to stay there long. We had a quiet journey, so there's no damage to be repaired, only the shuttles to be sent back to Starfleet for further development. Do you think you can get all the equipment you need in a few days?"
"I think I can arrange everything in less than a week, Captain." Malcolm paused "You seem eager to go back to exploring."
"I suppose that's what I was meant for since the beginning, Malcolm." he smiled.
"If I'm allowed to ask ... what about Lt. Parker?"
"What do you want to know?"
"Will you let her go back to Starfleet, Sir?"
Archer pondered before answering: "To tell you the truth ... I requested to have her as a regular crewmember of Enterprise."
Malcolm couldn't hide his satisfaction: "I'm sure you won't regret it."
"I don't have Starfleet's approval yet. You can't tell this to anyone, that's an order." he warned him.
"I'll be as silent as the grave, Captain."
"She's a smart woman. I'm sure she'll do a wonderful job here. Even if ..."
"You have doubts?"
Archer shook his head: "Not professionally, but on a personal level. I don't know ... sometimes it seems to me she's hiding something. It's just a gut feeling ..."
"You don't know the 'real' Nikita Parker yet, Captain. But if you did, it would be a positive surprise." was Malcolm's comment.
"I forgot you have known her for years."
"It's difficult to find the right words to describe her ... she has many facets. I would like to show you one."
"When?"
"Late tonight. I'll pick you up at 24:00."

o-o-o-o-o-

T'Pol was in her quarters, sitting on the floor in the lotus position.
She was hardly trying to clear her mind but her mother's image was pressing.

Memories of her childhood came back to her, when she was about 12 ... the time her sehlat had died and she couldn't stop crying, keeping the pet in her arms, sobbing bitterly.
Her mother was there, staring at her silently, with a trace of disappointment on her face.
"T'Pol ... it's dead, we should bury it."
"No!" she clasped the pet in her arms more closely.
T'Les sighed slightly: "We shouldn't even have this conversation. Do you know what day is it?"
"Kal Rekk." she muttered.
"Precisely ... Kal Rekk. A day of atonement, solitude and silence. You should be in your room meditating and so would I."
"But mother ..." she tried to protest.
"You can't leave your emotions overwhelm you ... death is a logic conclusion of life, I taught you this."
"But why my sehlat had to die so soon? Does logic has an answer to this?" she asked.
"Logic has an answer to everything, T'Pol." she kindly took the pet away from her.
"I can't understand." she wiped away the tears from her face.
"You will." she helped her to stand up. "I think it's time for you to learn what it means to be Vulcan."
T'Pol looked at T'Les questioningly.
"It's time for the kahs-wan. You must keep pure logic from making you weak or helpless."
T'Pol opened her eyes wide: "What if I fail?"
"Don't fail." she answered calmly.
Two days later T'Les had taken her to the desert. She had to survive there for 10 days without food, water and weapons.
It had been a very hard test for her, but she had succeeded.
But when she returned home, her mother received her coldly.
"Mother ... I'm home."
"I see."
"Are you proud of me? I got through the kahs-wan."
"Vulcans don't experience pride, T'Pol."
T'Pol sighed: "I must be a bad Vulcan, mother ... because I don't understand you, most times."
"You are not a bad Vulcan, T'Pol ... you're simply a child who has to learn. Your emotions are still too close to the surface. You will have to work hard on yourself to suppress them. But in time ... through meditation and logic ... you will succeed."

T'Pol opened her eyes, her bottom lip was trembling slightly ... she focused on the light of the candle and tried again to clear her mind. For some minutes it seemed that she was successful but then her mother came back to her again.

She remembered when she was in the Forge, taking care of Archer, who was consciousless after the ritual that T'Pau had tried to perform. Her mother had reached her in the cavern.
"How is he?" she asked.
"His breathing has stabilized, but his fever is still high." T'Pol answered dryly.
"He agreed to the ritual."
"If he hadn't, you would have forced him!"
"Is it anger that I'm sensing from you?"
"I'm only concerned for my captain. He could have died."
"Your captain ... very protective and possessive towards him. Living with humans for so long has changed you." was T'Les's comment.
"I could say the same thing about you, living with the Syrrannites."
"They are Vulcans as well."
"They are violent ... and radical. You claim that Surak's teachings have been corrupted by the High Command, but you're no different."
"There is a profound difference." T'Les objected.
"You deceive yourself."
"T'Pol ... once again you're leaving your emotions take the lead. I watched you during the ritual ... if I hadn't stopped you, I wonder what you would have done."
"I didn't want him to die."
"You are too emotionally attached to him. What's happening to you?"
T'Pol didn't answer and looked away. T'Les moved closer to her and forced her to look her in the eyes.
"First Commander Tucker ... now Captain Archer ... all this is ... confusing ... what about Koss?"
"You know that Koss is a stranger to me."
"He was chosen for you when you were a child, this is our tradition. He's a Vulcan, just like you ... but you seem to forget everything I taught you."
"I know who I am, mother ... but if being a true Vulcan means to be like you ... I don't want it. I shouldn't have come here looking for you... and I don't want anything more to do with you."
"If that's your wish ..."

T'Pol trembled in front of her meditation candle, those memories were hurting her but she couldn't push them away.
She regretted once again the bitter words she had told to her mother, she didn't deserve this. For all her life she had illogically longed for her affection, for her to be proud of her daughter and only in the end she had discovered the truth.

In her mind she saw once again her dying mother:
"You have always struggled so with your emotions, T'Pol." she knew ... she had always known. "I did all this to help you."
"I don't understand."
"You will." she winced with pain.
"Mother..."
"I've always been so proud of you ... my T'Pol." then she had closed her eyes forever.

T'Pol opened her eyes. Her face was streaked with tears.
She felt lost ... and alone. Her mother had died ... and Jonathan was so cold and far away from her. Flashes of all they had experienced together during the last four years nearly overwhelmed her. She missed him ... in more than a way. But he was a Human ... and she was a Vulcan. She felt that these emotions were very wrong.
"You'll never fully recover. The emotions you've accessed... will be with you the rest of your life." the words of the old T'Pol from the alternate reality echoed in her mind "You're going to have to learn to embrace them... live with them."

She stood up suddenly: "I can't!" she said.
A thought crossed her mind ... a logical solution had been there all the time. She whispered only one word: "Kohlinar".

o-o-o-o-o-

Archer was in his bed, still dressed, petting his dog while he was waiting for Malcolm.
The chime buzzed.
"We must hurry, Captain. We have to be there before she comes." they walked together through the corridor.
"Where?"
"Cargo Bay 3."
"But ... it's empty."
"Precisely." he grinned.
They reached it quickly ... nobody was there.
Malcolm showed a place to Archer.
"You can hide here. You will have a good view and she won't notice your presence."
"A good view of what?"
"Wait and see. It's one of her facets I like the most."
"You make me feel like a spy ..."
"You are ... in a sense. Enjoy yourself, Captain."
"You're not going to stay, Malcolm?"
"There's not room enough for two. And if she discovers me, she'll kick my ass!"
"What about me?"
"She can't ... you're the Captain!" he winked and left the cargo bay.
Archer felt a little stupid and was tempted to go back to his quarters, but he wast just too curious to leave.

A few minutes later, Niki entered.
She was wearing a track suit and was carrying a big bag.
She took out a device and soon the cargo bay was filled with music. The song was rhythmic and romantic at the same time:

Under a lovers' sky gonna be with you and noone's gonna be around
If you think that you won't fall, well just wait until, til the sun goes down
Underneath the starlight - starlight, there's a magical feeling - so right
It'll steal your heart tonight
You can try to resist, try to hide from my kiss
But you know, but you know that you can't fight the moonlight
Deep in the dark, you'll surrender your heart
But you know, but you know that you can't fight the moonlight
No, you can't fight it, it's gonna get to your heart

She removed her suit ... under that she weared a fuchsia gym costume, fitting tightly to the harmonious shape of her body.
She started with training exercises: she did splits and slowly curved her body first toward one leg and then toward the other. She was completely loose, it seemed she could do every movement without effort. Archer thought she was extremely sensual.

After a few minutes she stood up and took out of the bag some items. She placed one of them at each corner of the cargo bay.
Then she changed the music ... and took off, picking up a hoop from the floor.
Archer recognized the music: it was celtic, of centuries ago ... The Cry Of The Celts. The music was very slow at the beginning ... and had a kind of magic ... maybe it was the sound of the flute.
It seemed that gravity had no effect on her ... she was literally flying, tossing the hoop and cutting capers and then catching the hoop before it fell on the floor. Then she changed the hoop with the ball and did wonderful moves ... it wasn't only gymnastics, it was like a dance.
Archer was completely hypnotized, he couldn't remember watching something so beautiful and exciting before.
While the music was becoming more rhythmed and joyful with the sound of violins, Niki took a blue ribbon and performed some wonderful acrobatics. She was smiling and enjoying the music ... she was like lost in a dream. The ribbon was turning around her body, it seemed like she was in and out of a beautiful flower.
When the music ended she was still, balancing on one leg, looking like a 'prima ballerina'.

Archer couldn't refrain from applauding.
She stared at him in surprise and a little disappointed.
"What are you doing here?"
"Don't get angry with me, Niki." he answered sheepishly "I was told I had to see this and I'm so glad I did."
He got near her with a look full of admiration.
"I don't like being spied on." her eyes were blazing.
"It has been a wonderful sight, Niki. I wouldn't have missed it for the world."
"It wasn't my intention to have spectators, Jonathan. I do this only for myself."
While she was talking, she set her long brown hair free, shaking gently her hair.
Archer was captured once again by her. It wasn't the first time he had been tempted to kiss her but he had always pushed away that thought, but that night she was so beautiful ... and sensual.
"What a pity ..." he whispered and suddenly his lips crushed to hers.
She gasped with surprise but instinctively threw her arms round his neck and opened slightly her lips, making him deepen the kiss and becoming more passionate.
Niki gently stroked his cheek with her fingers and wished that moment could last forever.