Chapter 16

The room was shadowy and silent.
They were both naked under the sheets, face to face.
Jonathan was playing with a quiff of Niki's hair, watching her peacefully sleeping.
He couldn't believe what had just happened.
"Let me love you, Jonathan" she had whispered and he had let himself go.
The way she had made love to him had been completely breathtaking.
He wasn't in love with her, but he had to admit that he had felt himself drawn to her since the first day she had come aboard Enterprise. It wasn't just a matter of physical attraction. Niki was smart, strong, determined. They had spent a lot of time together during their off-hours on Enterprise. He had enjoyed that time.
He realized he didn't know much about her, but she seemed to know almost everything about him. Once again he had the feeling that she could see through his pain. When they had talked about The Expanse, it was like ... she had been there ... like she knew what he had been through.
"Forgive yourself" she had told him once "You can't change what you have done ... we both know it was necessary ... don't let the rest of your life be like hell. Start living again ... and forgive yourself, Jonathan."
"Who is she?" he wondered "Why did I let her in?"
Niki was a mistery and he was intrigued by that.

Then he thought of T'Pol. She was the love of his whole life. No other woman could be ... but he had to face the truth: she had an affair with Trip. That kiss in the corridor had been like a slap in his face. He felt ashamed of his over-reaction. T'Pol, as always, was right: "As you feel free to fraternize with Lt. Parker ..."
She wasn't jealous ... she was only reminding him that Starfleet regulations were valid for everyone: even the Captain. But the Captain hadn't followed those regulations ... so why T'Pol should?
He thought back to the latest events: her tears in sickbay, her violent reaction to his kiss.
He realized she cared for him, but not in the way he wanted. He was just a friend to her ... and thinking it could be more than that, was just an illusion.
"I must tear her away from my heart" he told to himself "and try to recover our friendship."
He sighed deeply at that thought.

Then he realized Niki was staring at him.
She gently brushed his hairs and whispered:
"A penny for your thoughts."
"Niki ..." he murmured.
"If you're gonna say it was a mistake, I don't wanna hear it, Jonathan." she said.
"I feel like I ... took advantage of you."
"You didn't. It was me who looked for you. I felt the need of being by your side."
"I shouldn't have let you do it."
"How could you stop me? I'm irresistible!" she joked.
"Yes, you are." he chuckled.
"Jon ... I know you're in love with her." she said seriously.
"I don't wanna talk about this." he tried to stop her, but she continued.
"I can only imagine what it must have been like, seeing her in Trip's arms."
He sighed.
"You should talk to her." she insisted.
"Forget it." he paused "I did nothing but worsen the situation."
"I don't understand how you reached a breaking point now, after years of close-working and friendship." she was puzzled.
"I don't wanna think about it." he put a finger on her lips, to make her quiet.
"Sorry, Jon ... I didn't want to make you feel uneasy."
"Never mind." he whispered.
She caressed his cheek and put a light kiss first between his eyes, then on the tip of his nose.
"Did you really mean it?" he asked.
"What?"
"That you love me."
"Yes ..." she answered softly "even if I know that you don't."
"Why did you stay, then?"
"Because I didn't wanna leave you here, alone ... brooding and drinking ... I just wanted to try and ease your pain ... well I know sex is not the right way ... I hadn't planned it ... I let things get out of hand" she lowered her eyes.
"So we are both guilty ... in a sense ..." he tried to joke.

They remained silent for a few minutes.
"Do you have any plans for the next few days?" she asked.
"Actually ... no."
"I've got a house near Castle Rock State Park. We can go hiking ... or climbing ... or ... whatever" she smiled "I have a guest room and you can take Porthos, of course. You will be free there, I won't be around all the time, if you want some privacy."
"I don't think this would be fair."
"To whom?"
"To you! Do you really wanna spend your vacation with someone who's lost in his ... thoughts?"
She tried to object but he continued: "And don't forget I'm your superior. I've just made a reprimand to my senior officers because of ... a kiss ... and look what I've done. I'm in the same bed with a member of my crew!" his voice was trembling.
"Technically I'm not your crewmember, yet." she stated. "I'll be on duty in a week's time. And would you please leave your damned Starfleet regulations out of this room, Jon?" she teased him.
He tried to discourage her: "Niki ... I'm not an easy man to live with."
Her hand cupped his face and she gazed at his beautiful green eyes: "I don't think so."
"I have nothing to give to you."
"I don't expect anything, Jon. If you're worried about the future ... you'll be only Captain Archer to me, when we get back on Enterprise."
"Niki ..." he warned her.
"We don't have to sleep together if you don't want to. I told you I have a guest room, Jon ..."
A voice in his head kept telling him it wasn't fair.
"... but if you need some cuddle therapy ..." she joked "... I feel inclined to do it."
They both laughed. She tickled him under the sheets.
He was almost yielding to her pressure.
He pushed away the thought of T'Pol together with Trip somewhere else. It didn't help at all.
He felt her tiny hands run up his chest.
Her blue eyes were shining and full of love.
She brushed his lips tenderly with hers.
"If you want me to go away, just tell me ..."
He didn't want to be alone. Not this time.
"No ... I want you to stay." he couldn't keep from taking her in his arms.
Their movements made the sheets slid down.
The sight of her exquisite body aroused him.
"God, you're so beautiful ..." he whispered.
They kissed deeply and passion took the lead once again.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Ambassador V'Lar was leaning pensively on her armchair.
In over a century of diplomatic career, she thought that nothing could surprise her by then, but listening to T'Pol had made her change her mind.
"I'm afraid I don't understand why you came to me."
"I know that what I revealed may be ... unsettling." T'Pol swallowed.
"I'm not judging you, T'Pol ... even if I have to admit that I'm disappointed. I esteemed you highly."
"I'm aware that my behaviour has been ... dishonorable, but I hoped you could help me."
"There's no honor in running away, T'Pol. I can't allow you to consider the Kolinahr as a way out."
"I never thought this is a way out, Ambassador." she paused "I hoped you could talk to the Kolinahr Master and convince him to let me participate in the ritual to purge all my emotions."
"I seriously doubt they would accept you, in spite of my influence. You have damaged your synaptic pathways voluntarily, they could never condone this course of action."
"But the Kolinahr is the only logical solution to cure me."
"I don't think so. What you are experiencing is not a disease." V'Lar paused "You told me that you've always struggled with your emotions, since you were a child. Pa'nar Syndrome and Trellium addiction have made the situation worse ... you can't perform that ritual. You would fail."
"What do you suggest I do, then?"
"Have the courage of facing the consequences of what you made to yourself."
"I'm in no condition of doing that." T'Pol muttered.
"What do you expect from Kolinahr? Oblivion? This would never happen, T'Pol."
T'Pol lowered her eyes.
"Logic is an essential part of Vulcan existence. If I lose it and let my emotions take the lead, it will be the end." she sounded almost desperate.
V'Lar stood up and, unexpectedly, put her hand on T'Pol's shoulder, as if she wanted to comfort her.
"T'Pol ... you have been living among humans for such a long time, bombarded by their emotions. This has affected you ... I suppose it had to be expected, after all." she sighed "Nevertheless, you're the first Vulcan officer who lasted so much time aboard a human starship. The High Command had tried this before, but they failed ... the others couldn't stand human behaviour for long periods. But you did. I think you're strong enough to find a balance between logic and emotion."
"That's impossible."
"In a sense ... you already have. Otherwise you'd be in a Vulcan clinic, by now."
"Believe me, Ambassador, I have tried. Hours and hours of meditation were not enough."
"The Keethara ritual might help you, have you ever thought about it?"
"No."
"You should."
T'Pol remained silent, not knowing how to answer back V'Lar's arguments.
"You once told me that Captain Archer could be trusted. Why didn't you tell him the truth?"
"Because he would throw me out of Enterprise."
"That's possible ... I suppose he would be very angry, but ... maybe he would try to understand." she paused "I had sensed a great bond between you ... I don't think it can be broken so easily."
"It's complicated ..." T'Pol tried to object.
"Because of your emotional attachment? Don't look at me like that ... even if you didn't told me, it's quite clear you have feelings for him. But I don't understand why you started a relationship with Commander Tucker, that's completely illogical, even for a human!"
"When we were in the Expanse, looking for the Xindi ... I thought more than once it was a one-way trip. I know that a Vulcan shouldn't experience fear, but I have to admit that sometimes ... I was afraid. Captain Archer had isolated himself to concentrate on his mission, so I couldn't get ... his comfort. When Dr. Phlox asked me to help Commander Tucker with neuropressure, at first I was annoyed, but then I found his company ... soothing. Probably the presence of Trellium-D in my bloodstream worsened the situation."
V'Lar shook her head.
"It's difficult, at my age, to get used to all these changes. But I suppose I should. Our own world is going through a sort of cultural revolution ... it's not easy at all. And all this new species we met during the last century ... they're so different from Vulcans, they have no logic ... but if we want to create a cooperation between them, we will have to sacrifice a little bit of logic. It's a sociological risk, but it's worthwhile."
For a moment V'Lar seemed lost in thought, then she continued:
"Do you know what Kol-Ut-Shan is?"
"IDIC."
"Infinity Diversity in Infinite Combination ... The fundamentals of Vulcan philosophy, T'Pol."
"I'm aware of that." she answered, slightly annoyed.
"Maybe you're not entirely aware of its true meaning. Any unified system, any single pattern is weaker than a combination of differing patterns. We have plenty of examples in nature. I think you are another example of that."
T'Pol looked at her questioningly.
"You and Captain Archer are t'hy'la ... you're stronger together. And you transmit this strenght to the rest of the crew. You gave proof of that when you saved me from the Mazarites and in many other occasions. I know that Vulcans and Humans are so different, but differences may combine and create new truth and beauty. It would be illogical not to accept them. You are meant to be there."
T'Pol opened her eyes wide.
"You have some days off before going back to Enterprise, don't you?"
"Yes." she nodded.
"Use them to regain control performing the Keethara. Then go back to your ship and tell Archer the truth. Everything. I'm confident he will understand ... in time."
"It won't be easy"
"I never told you it will." she looked T'Pol in the eyes "But you must try."
V'Lar showed her to the door.
"I'll be back to Vulcan in a few days ... if you fail and still want to perform the Kolinahr, let me know." she made the Vulcan greeting "Live long and prosper."
T'Pol bowed her head and left the room, silently.

-o-o-o-o-o-

T'Pol was alone in her quarters at Vulcan compound.
Candles were burning and spreading their fragrance into the air.
She was sitting at a table, her eyes closed.
She was meditating as she was using a set of building blocks to build a structure of harmony. The blocks were necessary to help her to focus thought and refine mental control. The form of the constructed structure was not predefined but had to reflect the state of mind of the builder.
She inhaled deeply and said: "Structure, logic, function, control. A structure cannot stand without a foundation. Logic is the foundation of function. Function is the essence of control. I am in control. I am in control."
After a few minutes the structure collapsed under her fingers.
She opened her eyes and sighed. But she didn't surrender ... V'Lar has given her new strenght, new hope.
She went back to the beginning.
"Structure, logic, function, control. A structure cannot stand without a foundation. Logic is the foundation of function. Function is the essence of control. I am in control. I am in control."