Chapter 19

Archer was pacing in his ready room, waiting for T'Pol.
He had a gut feeling that he wasn't going to like what she had to say.
He thought he had accepted her relationship with Trip. But when she had taken Trip's side during the briefing, he had been disappointed.
He hoped that Niki hadn't noticed he was disturbed by that. He didn't want to hurt her.

The chime buzzed.
"Come in."
T'Pol entered the room. She was wearing her blue catsuit and she slightly smelled of incense. He thought she probably had been meditating, her face was serene and calm.
"Captain."
"For once, you may call me Jonathan." he smiled and gestured for her to sit down "We're both off duty and, if I'm not mistaken, you're not going to talk about work."
"Jonathan" she paused "I suggest you sit down. I assume that what I'm going to say will not be pleasant and I'll be more confortable if you stand still and listen to me."
Archer knitted his brow, wondering if she was teasing him about his pacing habit or not.
He sat down: "I'm listening."
T'Pol gazed at him for a moment.
She knew she was going to hurt him once again, but it was time he knew everything about her.
"There are events that I kept hidden from you. Things that happened when we were in the Expanse."
Archer shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He was anxious and, at the same time, afraid to know what she was going to say.
"When we boarded the Seleya ... I lost control of my emotions."
"I remember ... it happened because of the Trellium." he sighed "It took you a long time to recover ... and the events we were through didn't make things easy ... even for a Vulcan."
"A healthy Vulcan would have stood all those events without any problem."
"I think you're being too hard on yourself. We were all under a lot of pressure. I haven't been myself for a long time, too."
"What if I told you I caused this ... of my own will?"
Archer looked at her, puzzled.
"I don't understand ..."
"What happened on the Seleya was only the beginning." she paused "When I was exposed to Trellium, its effects were overwhelming. I was violent ... and paranoid. But as they began to wear off, I experienced certain emotions ... and I wanted more."
Archer shook his head: "I'm not sure I follow you ..."
"I began to experiment with Trellium ..."
A shiver ran down Archer's spine.
"T'Pol ... what are you trying to tell me?"
"I devised a way to inject small amounts of Trellium into my bloodstream. I did it for nearly 3 months."
"What!" he stood up in amazement.
"I know this is upsetting to you, Jonathan, but please ... let me finish."
Archer closed his eyes for a moment and clenched his fists.
"Go ahead" he muttered.
"At first, I was able to control the new emotions ... and even enjoy some of them. But when the ship was attacked by the Xindi and I couldn't retrieve the Trellium for a couple of days ... I discovered I was addicted. I was agitated ... and afraid. Those were the first withdrawal symptoms. I even experienced anger ..."
Suddenly Archer remembered T'Pol shouting in his ready room and crushing a PADD on his desk.
He gasped for air, in disbelief.
"How could you do this to yourself?"
She remained silent, with an unemotional look on her face.
This made him lose his temper and, looking deeply into her eyes, he shaked her shoulders: "How could you?"
Then he turned his back on her and looked at the ceiling, sighing deeply.
"You must have known it was dangerous. You could die! Why did you do such a stupid thing?"
"Because I wanted to understand ..."
"Understand what?"
"Back from the Seleya, when I asked you to leave me behind, you refused."
"What has this to do with ..."
She interrupted him: "You told me that you couldn't try to save humanity without holding on to what makes you human ..."
T'pol spoke with finality, her voice trembling slightly.
He stared at her, not completely sure what she was getting at.
"Vulcans are led by logic ... it's an essential part of our existence. A Vulcan Captain would have left me behind, in order to protect the ship and his crew ... but you took a completely illogical decision, which I couldn't understand."
She stood up and got near him: "I wanted to know what makes you human, Jonathan."
He looked at her as he didn't recognize her anymore.
"But you have lost yourself in the process ..." he murmured.
He felt hurt ... and disappointed by what she had revealed.
Events from the past, which were inexplicable at that time, came back to his memory, finally fitting into the puzzle.
He went to the window and looked at the stars, trying to suppress his angry feelings.
"I imagine you're no longer addicted, now."
"No." she paused "Dr. Phlox helped me to recover ... I asked him not to inform you about it. I hope there won't be repercussions for him."
"I don't know, T'Pol ... all this is so absurd ... that I can't even think!" he banged his hand on the wall. "Why didn't you tell me before?"
She lowered her eyes: "It wasn't easy, after I stopped with the Trellium. My new emotions were even more difficult to suppress without it. It took a long time to try and find a balance ..." she sighed, trying to push away the sorrow that his anger was causing.
"And ... did you find it?"
"Not completely." she swallowed "Truth is ... that part of the emotions I've accessed will probably be with me forever. I'm trying, through deep meditation and rituals ... to cope with them."
Archer looked at her for a long moment without saying anything.
"What do you expect from me, T'Pol?"
"Maybe ... that you would understand ..."
"Tell me how can I understand such a foolish behaviour!" then he rubbed his hands across his face. "I trusted you, T'Pol, more than anyone else! I've always fought to keep you here ... I've even put my personal feelings before the safety of the ship, because I didn't want to give up on you!"
She felt that her control was starting to slip away ... she had betrayed his trust in her, and now he was deeply hurt.
"I'm not proud of what I've done ..." she murmured "... and I'm not searching for excuses."
"You should have come to me before." he said in a low voice. "Maybe I could help ... maybe I could stop you from doing this ..."
"I've tried." she countered "But you were so obsessed with your mission, that there wasn't place for anything else."
"There was, T'Pol." he said "I wish you would have insisted ... because there's always been a place for you."
"And now?" she asked.
"And now ... I don't know if I can trust you again!" he said, his voice trembling.
She lowered her eyes, feeling defeated. "He'll never forgive me" she thought.
They didn't talk for some minutes.
Archer was looking out of the window and T'Pol was standing behind him, unable to move.
He stifled tears and drew a deep breath before asking: "Does Trip know about ... your addiction?"
"No."
"Are you going to tell him?"
"I don't think so."
"You should." he paused "In a good relationship, there is no room for secrets."
"I have no relationship with Commander Tucker." she stated.
But he didn't believe her: "There's no need to deny it, T'Pol. I'm not going to reproach you. I know I overreacted two weeks ago ... and I want you to know that I won't stand in your way anymore, if your relationship doesn't interfere with your duty." he muttered.
She tried to object, but he continued: "Actually, I can't require you follow the regulations ... I'm afraid I'm not following either."
"Are you saying that ..." she asked, afraid to hear his answer.
"I have a relationship with Niki." he confirmed.
T'Pol felt a sharp stab in her heart.
"I hope this doesn't bother you ... we'll be discreet and keep a professional behaviour in front of the crew. I expect you and Trip to do the same."
She bursted out: "I told you" then she lowered her voice "... I have no relationship with Commander Tucker. I never had."
Archer knitted his brow, not sure he understood what she was saying.
"Now, if you want to excuse me, I'm going to rest. I have the first shift tomorrow. Good night ... Captain." and she left the ready room.
Archer remained alone, hurt and confused.

o-o-o-o-o

Still dressed, Niki had fallen asleep on Archer's bed.
Late at night she woke up and looked at the clock. Then she realized that he was there in the dark, sitting on the couch.
"Jon ... why didn't you wake me up?"
"I didn't want to disturb you ..." he muttered.
She got up and kneeled in front of him.
Something was very wrong.
"Are you ok? You look upset ..."
"I'm not in the mood to talk about it." he stood up and began to unzip his uniform "It's very late and we should both get some sleep, we've got a lot of work to do tomorrow."
"Hey ... hey, Jon!" she grabbed his arm "What's happening? What did she tell you?"
He glanced at her without saying anything. That look was enough. She could read his eyes.
"She hurt you." she whispered, caressing his cheek.
Suddenly he grabbed her and kissed her hungrily, slipping his hand under Niki's teeshirt and jerking her towards the bed.
She pulled away from him: "What the hell are you doing?"
"I thought you wanted me, too." he replied, panting.
"Yes, but not this way." she said "Tell me what happened, Jon."
He lowered his eyes.
"Truth is ... you'll never stop loving her."
She headed for the door.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"In my quarters."
"Niki, don't ... I really care for you, believe me ..."
Her voice was cold as ice: "Good night ... Captain."