Chapter 20

Enterprise was reaching the Altair system at max. warp.
Malcolm and Hoshi were having dinner at the mess-hall.
"I can't wait to get there. I missed some action, I don't like when there's too much calm." Malcolm said, munching his meal.
"How exciting" Hoshi teased him "Blowing up things, you have a whole secret base waiting for you."
"Well, that is the best part." he winked.
"Don't you think there's a strange atmosphere lately?" Hoshi asked.
"Well, I think it's quite normal ... we're going on a dangerous mission, after all."
"That's not what I mean, Mal. There's a feeling of ... sadness."
"Sadness?"
"The Captain seems absent-minded ... this morning I had to tell him 3 times that there was a call from Starfleet. Niki works all day on the shuttle or in Engineering ... she asked Trip to keep her far from the bridge, coming up with some extra-repairs which can be managed only by Niki's capabilities."
"Niki is just too good to stay at the helm all day" was Malcolm's comment.
"No, there's something behind this." she said, shaking her head. "I'm really worried about her. She looks depressed."
"She should have known better ..." Malcolm sighed "I had told her that she was on a dangerous road with the Captain."
"Is it true they were together during the shore-leave?"
"That's the rumour. Ensign Ramirez even told me she saw them kissing outside Starfleet HQ. But you should have more information than me. I thought she confided in you."
"She only admitted she's in love with him ..." Hoshi paused "... but she never told me that she had a relationship with the Captain."
"He's a man, after all. Maybe he couldn't resist to Niki's charm and then he decided to break off, once back at work. Starfleet regulations ..."
Hoshi interrupted him: "Those regulations didn't stop you from being with me, Mal. And I know the Captain is not THAT KIND of man! He could never take advantage of a woman and break her heart that way ..."
"Hey Hoshi" Malcolm chuckled "Don't assume the defensive position ... I'm just guessing what happened."
T'Pol came up to talk to them at their table.
"I'm searching for Lt. Parker. She's not in her quarters or in the gym, do you know where I could find her?"
"Maybe she's in Cargo Bay 3" said Hoshi. Malcolm blew her with the elbow but she didn't care.
"Cargo Bay 3?" T'Pol raised an eyebrow.
"Rhythmic Gymnastics" Hoshi explained "It's the only place large enough for her exercises."
"Thanks, Ensign."
When T'Pol left the mess-hall, Malcolm asked: "Why did you tell her about that?"
"Niki needs a friend. She had good relations with T'Pol, maybe she can help her."
"A Vulcan cheering up a Human?" Malcolm was puzzled "I don't think so."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Archer was laying on his bed, petting his dog and feeling alone more than ever.
He missed T'Pol ... he missed Niki ... he was confused.
He wasn't even sure about his feelings anymore.
He sorely wished to be able to talk to both of them, but didn't know what to say.
He was filled with a growing sense of anguish, as Enterprise was reaching the Altair system.
"Maybe it's my fault" he thought "I didn't realize there was something terribly wrong with T'Pol in the Expanse. I should have noticed. Trip should have noticed!"
He cursed himself and his friend for not doing anything to prevent this.
He couldn't believe that she had waited so long to tell him. Why now? He had talked to Phlox about it, hoping he could fill in a few of the blanks for him, but he had refused to violate the professional secrecy, assuring him she had always been fit for duty.
He realized he was so upset because she could have been killed by the Trellium. He could have lost her!
He sighed deeply. He couldn't even think how his life would have been without T'Pol ...

Niki.
Still he couldn't understand the nature of his feelings towards her.
He only knew she wasn't there. It hurt.
Before knowing her, he thought that the stars were enough to him. He thought Enterprise was his home and the crew was a sort of ... family. But then she came and reminded him there was something more out there ... that he needed to be loved.
Those days spent with her on Earth ... she had made him feel good. She always was so caring, doing little things for him, cooking for him, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, making love. It was almost like being a family ... he closed his eyes and the images of T'Pol and Niki were superimposed in his thoughts.
For a while, he heard music in his mind and felt better ... then he gasped for breath and felt like a rip in his heart.
"miss you ... ashaya"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

T'Pol entered Cargo Bay 3.
There's was music all around, flute and violins.
Niki was there, tossing a hoop and cutting capers, making splits and flying in the air.
T'Pol watched her silently ... the music and Niki's movements combined perfectly. T'Pol felt the sensation was ... agreeable.
As soon as the music was over, Niki remained on the floor and bursted into tears.
T'Pol didn't know what to do. She hesitated for a moment, then she decided to get near her.
Niki realized she wasn't alone and tried to wipe her tears away.
"Sem-rik" T'Pol said ( fascinating).
"Kunli du tizh-tor" she answered ( glad you enjoyed).
T'Pol had taught her Vulcan during the previous mission and Niki had been a fast learner. They had spent some time together reading the Kirshara.
Niki realized she missed the time spent with her.
"Are you all right?"
"I'm fine ..." Niki answered, then she sighed "No, I'm not."
Niki rose to her feet, wiped her face with a towel and wore a track suit.
"Does it have something to do with the Captain?"
Niki stiffened and turned towards T'Pol.
"T'Pol ... I don't feel comfortable talking with you about my feelings for Jonathan."
"I apologize. I didn't mean to be indiscreet."
"Never mind." she muttered.
"I wonder why all humans wants to fall in love ... this emotion seems so ... unsettling. I thought humans searched for happyness." she insisted.
"We do. And we chose to love ... even if it hurts."
"I don't understand ..."
"Love is a state of mind, T'Pol. It's not only the emotion that binds a man with a woman. It has so many facets. It's not easy to explain. It's something that makes your heart beating ... feelings that give life meaning. It's when ... you just breath easier because the one you love is by your side. It's when ... you're ready to give up your life for the one you love, just because you want him to be happy." she said these last words sobbing.
Niki put all her things in a bag. She drew breath and said:
"Keep this to yourself, T'Pol. When this mission is over, I'll resign my commission."
T'Pol looked at her, puzzled: "Why?"
"This is not what I dreamed of. Rhythmic Gymnastics is my life, I wanna go back to Earth and open a school ... I wanna teach this wonderful way of celebrating life." she said. "If I make it" she thought.
"Why are you telling this to me?"
"I need you to promise me that you'll stay by his side, whatever happens."
T'Pol was confused by Niki's request.
"Why me? You don't want to stay with him?"
"I do. God knows how much I do ... but it's not me he wants, not really." she sighed, then she took T'Pol's hands in hers.
"Promise me."
T'Pol looked in Niki's eyes and said: "I promise."
"Thanks." Niki whispered "Now I'd better go to my quarters and practice yoga. I need to regain control of myself. We're going to reach Altair in 48 hours and I wanna stay focused on the mission."
She was going to leave the Cargo Bay, but T'Pol stopped her:
"There's an ancient Vulcan ritual that might help. I would be pleased to guide you."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

The structure collapsed under Niki's fingers once again.
She and T'Pol had been meditating side by side for hours.
She sighed: "I suppose only a Vulcan with a disciplined mind can perform this ritual successfully."
T'Pol answered calmly: "My first attempts failed, too." she paused "Maybe we could try another way."
T'Pol sat in the lotus position in front of Niki and took her hands.
"Close your eyes and try to clear your mind"
Niki followed T'Pol's instructions.
"... now breathe deeply ... focus on your senses ... visualize the structure ... can you see it?"
Niki whispered: "Yes."
T'Pol left Niki's hands free. "Now try again."
Their voices said in unison: "Structure, logic, function, control. A structure cannot stand without a foundation. Logic is the foundation of function. Function is the essence of control. I am in control."
A single structure took form under their hands ... it was beautiful ... and perfect ... when the last block was placed, they both opened their eyes and stared in amazement.
"ri-gishu"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Archer was in his ready-room with Trip and Niki, listening to their report.
He planned to meet Malcolm later to examine the map of the secret base once again.
Engines were in perfect order and the shuttle was ready and well-armed.
They were going to leave, but Archer stopped Niki.
"Lt. Parker, may I have a word with you?"
"Yes, Captain."
Trip nodded and left them alone.
"You've been very busy lately." he said.
"Commander Tucker needed my help, Sir, I ..."
"I know you asked him to keep you far from me."
"After all, you knew where to find me." she answered sarcastically.
"I wasn't sure what to tell you."
"And now?"
"I only know I miss you ..."
She was on the verge of tears and turned her back on him to hide it.
"Niki" he sighed "I didn't mean to hurt you."
"But you did."
"I'm sorry ..."
He got near her and put his hands on her shoulders.
"I was upset. T'Pol revealed me something I would never have expected. I can't tell you what it's about, but ... I feel as if I have lost my trust in her."
Niki knew what he was talking about, but she remained silent.
"I don't know what came over me last night" he continued "Maybe I just wanted to forget everything in your arms, I don't know ..."
"Sounds like you're using me." she interrupted him.
"No, please don't get me wrong!"
She turned to face him.
"Would you answer this question, honestly?"
"Yes?"
"If she returned your feelings ..." she paused "would you be here with me?"
Jon's eyes shimmered with unshed tears.
"Dammit, Niki! Don't go there. You know how I feel ..."
"Jon, please ... don't." Niki held a hand up, stemming any further comment from him. "When I came to your apartment, I knew you were in love with her. I just wanted to be with you, give you all my love and enjoy every single moment. I didn't expect anything. Then you changed our relationship and I allowed myself to hope for more. It was a mistake."
"I'll never think of us as a mistake, Niki. When I told you I had feelings for you ... I was sincere."
"It's absurd, Jon. You can't be in love with two women at the same time."
"Ok, maybe I'm confused ... maybe I'm a fool ... but I know that I don't wanna lose you."
He hugged her, but she stiffened in his arms.
She slowly pushed him away.
"I love you more than anything in this world, Jon. And it breaks my heart to say it, but it's over. I can't live with T'Pol's shadow between us."
"There were moments when I didn't let her shadow come between us, Niki."
"It wasn't enough, Jon ..." she muttered.
Archer clenched his fists, but didn't say anything.
"Whatever T'Pol did ... it has nothing to do with trust ... I'm sure she would never betray you, in any way." Niki said "Forgive her ... and she will forgive you."
He closed his eyes for a moment, sighing deeply.
When he looked back, she wasn't there anymore.
"rom-halan ... my love"