Chapter 25 (End)

T'Pol was alone in her quarters, holding her mother's IDIC in her hands. She was worn and weakened by emotions which had shaken her to the soul. Logic could not explain the things she had seen with her own eyes ... logic could not explain the feelings she was experiencing.
Niki ... a friendship she hadn't minded to deepen enough, and yet she had sacrificed her life for hers. It was hard to understand which reasons stood behind such an extreme gesture.
Daniels hadn't explained why her life was so important. She realized she hadn't asked either.
She knew Niki loved Jonathan ... deeply. They were even married. Why give it all away? This was highly illogical.
And it was clear that Jonathan had deep feelings for Niki, too. The way he grieved for her and their child proved it.
She felt a sense of loss in every facet of her life ... from loss of a friend and the man she deeply cared about ... to a lack of control and direction. And she felt like she had lost her identity as well.
"I am everything a Vulcan shouldn't be." she thought, feeling inadequate "How can I find a balance between logic and all this?" she asked herself.
She barely heard the chime buzz.
"Come in."
The door slid open and Trip stepped in.
"I thought right now you could use a friend." he said.
"I appreciate ... but really, it's not necessary." she answered, without looking up.
"Don't tell me you don't feel anything, T'Pol. I don't get it."
She remained silent.
"Look ..." he insisted "... we're all shocked. I can't even imagine how a Vulcan might feel about this situation, but ... I know you, T'Pol. I know you're not OK and I'm worried."
She sighed: "I have to admit that all this is ... overwhelming. I haven't been able to meditate either."
He knelt in front of her, gently held one of her hands.
"I'm so sorry, T'Pol ... I wish I could help."
"Thanks, but ... there's nothing you can do, Trip." she said in a detached tone.
"I know ... it's not me that you need." he stated bitterly and stood up "Have you talked to the Captain?" he asked.
"Not yet. He said he needed some time alone ... and I respect his wishes." she muttered.
"Does he know how you feel?"
She nodded: "Daniels showed him things that revealed my ... affection."
"That's not what I mean. Have YOU told him about your feelings?"
"No." she paused "I don't think I should."
"Why?"
"Because he has just lost his wife ..."
"You're upset that he married her, ain't you?"
"Vulcans don't ..."
"T'Pol ..." he warned her "don't give me that crap!"
"Trip" she sighed deeply "this is not the right moment, for many reasons."
"Whatever ... just let him know that you are there ... I'm sure he'll appreciate."
"A Vulcan can't express affection in human terms."
"Then do it the Vulcan way." he said, widening his arms and making a wink.
T'Pol looked at him curiously, one brow lifted. She knew he was deeply hurt, yet he still wanted to be her friend. She was moved by that.
"Thank you ... for being there." she said softly.
He reached his hand out to softly brush her cheek and smiled: "To be truthful ... I still love you, T'Pol. But now I understand that this wasn't meant to be. There's no reason to hold grudges ... it's nobody's fault."
She stared at him for a long moment, took in a deep breath and said: "Speaking of truth ... there's something you should know."

o-o-o-o-o-o

Archer had just made his report to Admiral Gardner, when the chime of his ready room buzzed.
"Come in."
"Sorry to disturb you, Sir." Hoshi said, with a small box in her hands "I wanted to inform you that your instructions for Niki's funeral service have been sent to Starfleet."
"I know ..." Archer said "Admiral Gardner confirmed it."
Hoshi hesitated: "Sir ... do you intend to take a break after Niki's service or ..."
Archer nodded: "It might be a long break ... these could be my last days here."
"What!" she furrowed her brow.
"There will be disciplinary repercussions, Hoshi. Marrying Niki, I broke the rules against fraternization. I could be removed from command."
"They won't dare, Sir!"
Archer looked at her with a blank gaze: "After all, I don't care much about it now."
Hoshi's look softened.
"We all miss her." she sighed, putting the box on his desk. "Niki asked me to give you this ... if something happened to her. I don't know what's inside, but ... I hope it may comfort you."
"Thanks Hoshi" he murmured and gave half a smile.
Hoshi leaved his ready room, thinking that she had to do something, anything ... to try to help out the Captain.
"I'll talk to the others." she thought.
Archer stared at the box for several minutes trying to sum up the courage to open it. He didn't expect it.
Finally, he opened it, his hands slightly trembling.
His heart ached as he found their marriage rings. They couldn't wear them aboard Enterprise, having to keep their marriage hidden because of the regulations.
Then he looked at the photos, showing them together on Earth. The photograph that he liked the most was the one showing Niki sitting on the grass, leaning against a tree trunk. His head was in her lap and she was stroking his hair gently. She looked very ... protective. He couldn't imagine then what she would have done.
He sighed, looking at the envelope with his name written on the front. He pulled the single sheet of paper from inside the envelope and unfolded it. She had written it the night before they left Earth.

"Dear Jonathan,
I love you. I want you to know that.
I've loved you ever since I first saw you in the Temporal Observatory 10 years ago.
Watching your life, I sensed a loneliness deep inside you, a need for something, for someone. A need to belong and to be accepted. And I felt the need of giving all this to you. At least I tried.
Words are not enough to tell how happy you made me. The last two weeks with you have been the best of my entire existence. I hope I made you happy, too ... I really hope.
I don't know if you'll hate me for what I'm going to do but, believe me, it is necessary. I have to save her: T'Pol is unique in her own special way and time will prove it. No wonder you love her so much ... it hurts knowing that I couldn't win your heart as she did. But love is not possession. Love is wanting what is best for the one you love, even if it does not include you. And this love gives me the strength to carry on.
I understand if you want to forget me ... but if you don't, I want you to remember me not as the Augment who lied to you but as the girl in the picture. That's the real me.
I wish you all the best with all you do, Jon ... you spent half your life making your father's dream come true. Now I hope you will make your own dreams come true, whatever they are.

Love always, Nikita"

The letter slipped out of his fingers and fell into his lap.
He frowned, tears springing in his eyes again.
The last thing in the box was a picture in a silver frame, showing Niki in her blue gym costume, balancing on one leg, a ribbon graciously flying around her body. She was smiling that amazing smile of hers that had captured him from the very start.
-That's the real me-
He turned towards the window and looked into the stars. What he saw offered no consolation ... and he realized that the cold stars didn't possess him anymore.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Archer hadn't realized how much time had passed when the chime buzzed again.
The silhouette of Trip appeared at the door.
"Have you any idea what time it is?" he asked.
"I don't know. I lost track of time." Archer murmured.
"You skipped dinner."
"I'm not hungry."
Trip sighed deeply: "I just thought we could both get drunk ... but then I realized it wasn't such a good idea."
"Not really." he said.
Trip looked at Niki's picture on the shelf. "She was pure joy, wasn't she?" he shook his head "Still can't believe that she died."
Archer remained silent, his face pale and eyes closed.
"Jon ... Niki wouldn't want to see you like this."
"Probably not." he stood up from his chair and walked towards the window "You know, Trip ... I've never been particularly religious but ... while Niki was fighting for her life, I truly prayed for the first time in a very long time." he said.
"I guess God wasn't listening ... must have had something better to do." Trip said bitterly.
"Indeed."
Trip felt helpless in the face of his grief, but he wanted to cheer him up, somehow.
"I really should be angry with you." he tried to joke "You didn't even invite me to the wedding!"
Archer tried to smile, but it looked like a grimace.
"Did you know she didn't want to marry me? She turned me down at first."
"Why?"
Archer hesitated: "Because ... she thought that I wasn't in love with her. Maybe she accepted only because she knew ..." he swallowed hard as his voice broke down into a mere whisper "... she wouldn't make it."
"Was she right?"
Archer sighed: "Yes and no."
"Let me guess ... you realized it only when you were going to lose her."
Archer bowed his head, without saying anything.
"So ... she knew about T'Pol." Trip said.
Archer turned towards Trip.
"You loved her, didn't you?" he insisted.
He nodded.
"Guess I've always known ..." Trip sighed. "Can't forget your face when the High Command wanted her to leave Enterprise. I wonder why you never told her about your feelings."
Archer sighed: "Apart from regulations? I never thought that she could feel anything for me. And then I heard rumours about ... you know ..." he seemed awkward.
"Me and T'Pol." Trip finished the phrase for him.
"Yah ..."
"I haven't been such a good friend ... I should have talked to you about it."
"Forget it, Trip." Archer put a hand on his friend's shoulder.
"Maybe if I did, I would have spared myself a lot of heartache." he muttered. "She never had feelings for me, she just wanted to test her new emotions ..." he was getting angry.
"Trip ..."
"She just told me about the Trellium, Jon."
Archer sighed: "I'm sorry ... I know how you feel. I was really upset when she told me."
"I ... I always thought she was strong ... and confident. Why in the world should a Vulcan ..."
"We hurt her, Trip." Archer interrupted him "Not consciously, but we did."
Trip shook his head: "How?" he asked.
"Bombarding her every day with our emotions ... trying to involve her in our way of living. Maybe I pushed too hard when I insisted she had to keep an open mind ... I don't know ... something must have snapped in her head ..." he paused. "It's my fault, I should have realized there was something wrong."
"We all make mistakes, Jon."
"Yes, and we all have to pay the price. T'Pol is paying hers ... and I'm paying mine. But this time the price was too high ... Niki died."
"It's not your fault ... Niki took a decision a long time ago. There was no way of knowing ..."
"Still, I feel guilty."
"Look ... there's nothing you can do for Niki, right now. But surely there's something you can do for T'Pol."
Archer looked at Trip questioningly.
Trip insisted: "She needs help ... she needs you."
Archer shook his head.
"I don't think I can help her." he said, feeling useless.
"Yes, you can, Jon ... because you once loved her" Trip paused "... and maybe still do."
Archer stared at his friend in amazement.
"I know what it must cost you to tell me this, Trip."
"You have always been a good friend Jon. And I'll be damned if all this can ruin our friendship!"
They hugged and slapped each other on the back.
They both felt better, at least for a moment.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Archer entered Admiral Gardner's office.
"My condolences, Captain. We all share your loss."
"Thanks, Admiral."
The admiral gestured at a chair. "Have a seat."
Archer did so, facing the Admiral, awaiting the worst.
"Well ... I have to admit ... I'm a little confused about your ... marriage with Lt. Parker. Fraternizing with subordinates is against regulations, or weren't you aware of that?"
"I have no excuses, Sir. I'm ready to accept whatever disciplinary measures you feel adequate."
Gardner remained silent, looking at a PADD and tapping several keys on the panel.
"I've been reading Phlox's report. I assume you didn't know about her pregnancy, when she volunteered for the mission." he said finally, clearing the screen of the PADD and placing it on his desk.
"No ..." Archer murmured "she didn't know either."
"The mission was successful ... but, on a personal level, you paid a terribly high price, Captain."
Archer bowed his head and remained silent.
"I sympathize, Captain, but Starfleet will not condone this sort of behaviour. The Committee will examine your position in a couple of weeks. I'm sorry to let you know that you are suspended of duty starting immediately."
Archer wasn't surprised.
"What about Enterprise? Will you choose a new ... Captain?" he swallowed.
"The ship is being held in spacedock for at least 2 months, in order to make repairs and upgrades to bring it at the same level of Columbia. The choice of a new Captain is premature ... we want to wait the Committee's decisions ... and there's another problem ... Enterprise has no crew at the moment."
Archer gave a puzzled look at Gardner.
"Your crew put me in a rather embarassing situation." he paused "Ensign Hoshi Sato is leading a sort of ... movement. A certain number of officers are ready to give themselves up to Starfleet for breaking rules against fraternization, including Commander T'Pol. This, in case Starfleet decides to remove you from command. And all the 83 members of your crew refuse to work on Enterprise with another Captain."
"W-What?" Archer stammered.
"You heard me." Gardner stood up. He appeared to be nervous. "What the hell do they think they're going to accomplish with that?"
Archer shook his head. "Sir, I couldn't imagine they ..."
"But you can imagine what would happen if such news get out! Enterprise crew mutinies!" he rolled his eyes "What about Commander T'Pol "fraternizing"? Aren't Vulcans supposed to mate every 9 years?"
"Seven, Admiral." he corrected.
Gardner sighed deeply and his look softened a little.
"Whatever ... I know they're all lying to protect you." he said "Your crew loves you. And if they do, it's because you are a good Captain."
Archer stood up ... he was speechless.
Gardner continued: "You have proven yourselves worthy of greater responsibility in the past ... and Earth is in your debt. I want you to know that I will speak in your favour."
"Thanks, Admiral." he said, shaking his hand.
"That Ensign Sato ... she has a temper!"
"I know ... but she's very smart."
"Keep her in line." Gardner recommended.
"I'll do my best." he nodded.
"Dismissed."

o-o-o-o-o-o

The funeral had been moving and well attended by Enterprise crew and Starfleet representative.
Phlox had surprised everybody by giving a touching and poetic speech. His words moved tears out of already spent faces.
Trip and Hoshi had been by Archer's side all the time, the girl holding gently his hand in a sign of comfort.
At the end of the service, little by little they all left the graveyard.
Archer remained alone, holding the flag, which had covered Niki's coffin and was now folded into a perfect military triangle.
He gave a last look to Niki's tomb, which was near her father's as she wished.
Then he felt a presence behind him.
He sought to find T'Pol, aware she was there.
Her hazel eyes gazed steadily into his.
"Trip and the others are going back to San Francisco with the shuttle. Would you like to join us?"
"I'd prefer to remain here, if you don't mind."
"You shouldn't stay alone ... at least not tonight." she insisted.
"I'll be fine." he reassured her.
"As you wish." she nodded.
Archer stood helplessly and watched her leaving.

Niki's voice echoed in his mind:
-You've got friends caring for you ... don't shut them out of your life anymore.-

"Wait!" he called.
She stopped and looked back at him.
"I'll come with you."

During the flight back to San Francisco, Trip announced that there was going to be a private memorial with refreshments that evening, organized by Hoshi only for the Enterprise crew, and that he was going to get as drunk as he could.
At the reception, everybody was kind and sweet. Somebody remembered the jokes Niki used to make aboard Enterprise and all the beautiful moments she had shared with her friends. Hoshi couldn't help but smile while telling Malcolm what Niki thought about his nice ass.
As hard as he tried, Archer felt like a fish out of water.
In the cool of the night, he walked in the garden alone.
At first he didn't notice T'Pol, but then the wind blew from behind her, and he picked up her scent. He turned his green eyes to behold her.
"Jonathan." she said softly.
"I didn't expect to find you out here ... you don't like crowds, do you?" he asked.
"Not particularly." she said "What about you?"
"I just needed to get out into the fresh air." he said.
She gazed at him, her eyes darker than usual and a sparkle in them he had never seen there before.
"How do you feel?" she asked him gently.
"I could ask the same about you ... as to me, I feel ... lost." he murmured.
"It seems we're both without ... direction." she shivered slightly and compressed her lips in a straight line.
He looked at her sadly, then suddenly asked: "Can you forgive me?"
"For what?"
"For leaving you alone. I was overwhelmed by the latest events ... I should have been taking care of you, T'Pol. I'm so sorry ..."
"You have nothing to apologize for." she soothed. "Have YOU forgiven me?" she questioned softly.

-Forgive her ... and she will forgive you.-

"Yes." he said, tenderly.
"Even for threatening you with a phase-pistol?"
"T'Pol ... you were trying to save my life, how could I be angry at you?"
He put his hands on her shoulders and asked with a soft voice: "I think I know the reason why you did that, but ... I need to hear it from you."
"I couldn't let you die ..." she hesitated "I cherish your life more than my own."
He met her eyes. They were intense, not with fire, just with presence.
"I have to admit ... I'm a little confused about this ... well, more than a little." he said. "I never thought ..."
She interrupted him: "That I might have feelings for you? Neither did I ... it took me long time to realize it. Maybe too long." she stated bitterly.
He averted her eyes and shook his head.
"Do you remember when the High Command wanted to take you away after the destruction of P'Jem? I was ... desperate. I realized that I didn't want to lose you not just because you were part of my crew ... but because I cared for you ... deeply."
"That was more than 3 years ago ..." she said, surprised at his statement.
He nodded: "For all this time, I've been loving you T'Pol ... but I couldn't tell you."
Her eyes widened: "Why?"
"Many reasons ... regulations ... our differences ... fear ..."
"Fear of what?"
"That you might leave Enterprise if you knew about it. You looked so cold and distant ... harsh and hidden ..."
"But I changed."
"I know ... I changed, too ... and not for the best." he said, looking down.
"The Expanse." she stated.
He nodded.
"Then I watched you grow closer to Trip ... and after your marriage on Vulcan, I realized there was no hope for me."
"Is that why you withdrew from everything and everyone?" she asked.
"Partly, yes." he admitted.
"But Niki changed this ..."
"Slowly, but she did." he admitted "At first, your reaction to her made me hope you could be jealous ... that's why I tried to make you understand how I felt. I did nothing but upset you ... I'm sorry."
"I was not upset, Jonathan." she said softly "I simply wasn't prepared to that ... emotion. I even couldn't understand why I felt that way." she paused "You must have hated me when you saw me kissing Trip ..."
"No. I was ... really upset, but ... I didn't hate you. I just thought I had to stop deceiving myself." he sighed deeply "I really wanted to forget my feelings for you, I wanted to stop feeling sorry for myself ... and move on."
He continued: "When I reached my apartment on Earth, Niki came after me. She opened her heart to me ... she made me realize that I needed to belong to someone. She showered me with love and affection, even if she knew about you. I had never been loved like that before. I started feeling happy again. I dared to hope again."
"You were in love with her." she said. It almost sounded like a question.
"A part of me loved Niki, but I never told her." he confirmed "One day I found her in the graveyard crying for her father ... in that moment, I felt so close to her ... that I realized I couldn't lose her. That night I proposed her to marry me ... I didn't want to be only the Enteprise Captain ... or the man Daniels claims will form the Federation ... I just wanted to be Jonathan Archer for once in my life ... I wanted a family ... I wanted ..." he sobbed "children ..."
She put a hand on his arm and looked into his eyes: "There's nothing wrong in trying to be happy, Johnathan." she said comfortingly.
"The news about my marriage must have hurt you ..." he realized.
"Yes ..." she admitted "but I hurt you as well. Many times ... It's not your fault if I lost your ... love."
"You didn't." he said tenderly "I still care about you. A part of me still ... loves you." his voice lowered to a whisper "But a part of me just can't forget Niki. I guess I never will. She left a mark on me ... I can't explain, but I'm sure you couldn't live with her shadow between us and I don't want to. It wouldn't be fair." he turned his back to her.
A single tear ran down her cheek. She knew he was right ... but she also knew she needed him, even if it hurt.

-We chose to love ... even if it hurts.-

"Humans use to say that time heals all wounds ..." she said.
"... but absence makes the heart grow fonder." his voice broke.
"If that is true, what does presence do?" T'Pol asked.
He turned towards her and their eyes met.
"Because, if you allow me ... I intend to be present in your life Jonathan."
"Even if you know that we can't be lovers?"
"We can be two friends ... who take care of each other."
They kept staring at each other for what seemed like eternity.
Then he slowly pulled her into his arms. She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, leaving that new emotion overwhelm her, even if she couldn't find a name for it.
He felt her tremble in his embrace and knew that her sorrow was his sorrow too.
He whispered into her ear: "We'll find a way through this, T'Pol. I swear I'll be there for you. Always."
She knew the pain was too recent, the memories of Niki too strong. Yet, she allowed herself to hope.
"The people we love touch our lives, even after they're gone." she thought "Maybe one day ..."

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up, to more than I can be.

They stayed embraced for a while.
As they parted, T'Pol asked: "What will Starfleet do about you?"
He sighed: "They will propably remove me from command."
"You seem resigned enough to your fate."
"I don't think I can change what it's going to happen." he murmured.
"Does it mean that you're ready to give up without a fight?" she asked "Because I'm not." she said with finality. She took his hand and led him towards the house, where the rest of the crew was still celebrating Niki.
"If I remember correctly ..." she said calmly "Ensign Sato said that we'll be damned if we let the Starfleet Committee screw you up."
His jaw dropped."T'Pol!"
"That's exactly what she said. Word for word." she raised an eyebrow.
They disappeared behind the door.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Somewhere in the 31st Century ...

"Archer will have his ship back, won't he?" the alien asked.
"I have no doubt about it." Daniels answered.
"You didn't explain him why T'Pol's life was so crucial."
"He didn't ask."
"You wouldn't have told him, anyway."
"It's better that he doesn't know too much about the future" Daniels paused "... and I don't think he would have liked the answer."
"Let's hope she'll like it." the alien chuckled.
"I'm not in the mood to observe the developments." Daniels sighed.
"Do you regret what you did?" the alien asked with a questioning look.
"No ... and you?"
"Not really." he smiled.
"You said you would never dare change the past."
The alien winked: "I lied".

THE END

o-o-o-o-o-o

So, this is the end ... I thank everybody for having the patience of reading this long fic.

I really hope you enjoyed it, as I did in writing it.

I made a music video for this story, you can download it at the end of this page on my website:

http:-slash-slash-nephtys59-dot-altervista-dot-org-slash-videoclips.htm

The next fic "Perfect" will start in the next few days and, even if it is a different story, will consider Unique as CANON ... so I officially confirm that Unique will have a SEQUEL!