He definitely felt a little disoriented; there was no doubt about that. When he finally got the gumption to open his eyes, which he eventually realized he had closed to shield his retinas from the glaring light, he found himself in a tiny unfurnished room, about as comfortable and welcoming as a padded cell, but without the added bonus of a small cupful of colorful pills given to him by a sassy overweight nurse to help cope with the situation. Boy, what he wouldn't have given for a nice cupful of colorful pills right then.
Unfortunately Eddie knew what a padded cell was like because at the age of 14 he had suffered from what his psychiatrist referred to as a psychotic break. Eddie preferred to think of it as his midlife crisis. It seemed a perfectly logical label because it had the hallmarks of a midlife crisis: emotional turmoil accompanied by an overwhelming desire for change.
"One thing you fail to take into account" remarked his psychologist in a condescending tone that was characteristic of someone who enjoyed his career only because it allowed him to talk down to people "is that midlife crises only occur when one is of middle age." He finished the statement with a smirk that seemed to say "Ha-ha! Whatcha gonna say now, you stupid little pipsqueak? I'm a trained psychologist who attended 9 years of schooling accumulating a wealth of knowledge which I can use to come up with a cocky answer to anything you might have to say!"
"I am of middle age" argued Eddie "I don't want to live past 30."
At the time it had seemed perfectly reasonable to Eddie. He never found appeal in the idea of becoming a responsible adult and eking out an existence in a miserable career the way his parents did. If they had taught him anything in life it was that he didn't want to grow up and work a dead end job because he had to raise a child that he never wanted and whom he would resent for having stolen his youth and leeched away his hard earned wages through grocery bills and medical costs. His parents had made these points perfectly clear all the while he was growing up, not through words, but through good old fashioned passive aggression.
Of course, now Eddie was living the life that epitomized everything he had feared as a child. Well, everything apart from the raising a child part. He was pretty sure he'd never have children in part because his pitiful wages were hardly enough to support himself, let alone a child, and because he could barely get a woman to go out on a date with him, which meant very little chance that he'd ever get one pregnant.
There was always the option of passing down his genes by making a donation to a sperm bank, which would eliminate the unpleasantness of having to raise the child himself. It was an option he considered until he actually went to a sperm bank and spoke to the receptionist, who after taking one look at him broke into an uncontrollable fit of laughter, asking between guffaws, "You want to be a donor?" To spare himself any further embarrassment Eddie fled the scene immediately and hoped never to see the receptionist again. Much to his dismay she ended up later getting a job as a temp at Singular Labs, where word of the embarrassing incident spread like wildfire and Eddie had to endure being a laughingstock in addition to the torment he faced daily from Serena, who had a field day with the fascinating new tidbit about Eddie's fertile aspirations.
Getting back to the point, the room in which Eddie suddenly found himself was completely bare with walls that perhaps were once white, but it must have been many years ago. Now they were a disturbingly dingy off-off-off-white, except for the corners of the room, which faded to black, either from dust buildup, mold, or some lovely combination of both. The door to the room was a similar shade of what once may have resembled white and at about face level had a window that seemed like it should have been transparent, but now was cloudy and scratched and impossible to see through. One notable characteristic was that it had no knob or handle or any visible apparatus for opening it, which Eddie took terrified note of.
Hesitantly he approached the door, and it very slowly began to automatically retract into the wall with a high pitched grating sound of metal against metal accompanied by a loud squeal, which seemed to indicate that it hadn't been oiled in many years, and no one cared enough to do anything about it.
As it made its irritatingly slow retreat into the wall, the door revealed a room that was somewhat larger and only slightly more inviting. The first thing Eddie noticed was the enormous flat-screened television hanging from the wall directly across from him. It seemed remarkably out of place among the aged and filthy furniture that took up what little space was available in the sad room, and what shone on the screen was also puzzling. It appeared to be a screensaver – you know which one I'm talking about – the one that makes it look like you're flying through space. The only differences with this one were that the stars were moving sideways instead of coming directly toward the screen and they were moving much more slowly than they usually do on a screensaver. A soiled olive colored sofa sat against one wall, and opposite it stood a rickety shelving unit containing several rows of books, the titles of which could only be discovered with the aid of an archaeologist's tool set to remove the dust and grime from the spines. In the middle of the room stood a badly scratched wooden coffee table from which most of the finish had worn off. Two other doors led out of the room and on each door were strange characters that resembled some sort of hieroglyphics that Eddie found completely unrecognizable.
Uncertain of what to do next, Eddie moved gingerly toward the door to his right, and it too began to retract into the wall accompanied by the same irritating noises as the previous door. What lie beyond this door was a room even stranger and at least fifty – no, make that sixty-five times more mind-boggling and unexpected than the room in which he was presently standing inside of.
Before I go on to describe to you what he found in that unusual room I must warn you that the room itself was in fact not terribly unusual, nor were its contents, so there's no need to get all worked up and anxious. They only seemed unusual to Eddie, so just calm down and keep reading. I also must inform you that one of the assumptions Eddie made about the second room was false, and he was about to make the same assumption about this room. What that assumption was and why it was false are points that I will address later, but for now I feel obliged to describe to you the third room.
The third room was also small, though not as small as the first. To Eddie's total amazement he discovered another flat screen monitor on the wall opposite him, though this one was so large that it took up the entire wall. It had the same screensaver running on it, but with the stars coming directly toward the screen instead of sideways. These stars were also moving uncharacteristically slowly for a screensaver. Just below the screen was what appeared to be a large control panel of some sort, complete with flashing buttons and panels, though there were quite a few areas where buttons seemed to be missing or burnt out, and there were many loose wires hanging from broken panels, giving it a sort of jury-rigged feel.
Perhaps the second most surprising feature to the room (the first of course having been the large flat screen monitor) was the robot seated in front of the control panel. It was vaguely human shaped, with a cylindrical head, a barrel shaped body, two arms and three legs. The robot, like the control panel it sat before, appeared to be in a state of disrepair. There were several sizeable dents about its head and body, along with many patches of rust.
Unsure of how to react to all of this, Eddie stood gaping.
The automaton's head slowly turned 180 degrees to face him, making a noise similar to the squeaking of the doors, but slightly less irritating. With its head turned around it eerily resembled a victim of demonic possession, though as far as Eddie knew demons only possessed living things and not robots. He didn't actually believe in demons, but this suddenly came into question because until now he hadn't thought that robots really existed either. Realizing his total lack of knowledge regarding both demons and robots, he reasoned that whatever was going on here was far beyond his comprehension, and so the best course of action would be to just play it cool and pretend as though nothing was out of the ordinary.
The robot, in a voice that sounded rustier than the body it issued from, yet somehow carried an unnaturally congenial tone said "Hello Earth Ambassador Raymond and welcome aboard Intragalaxi Taxi. My name is Zed 937 Beta and I am your driver. Do not hesitate to notify me if you need anything. Please enjoy your ride."
Eddie responded to this greeting with the most intelligent question that came to mind at the moment: "What?"
"I said" said the robot twice as loudly this time "Hello Earth Ambassador Raymond and welcome aboard Intragalaxi Taxi. My name is Zed 937 Beta and I am your driver. Do not hesitate to notify me if you need anything. Please enjoy your ride."
Not expecting the sudden increase in volume, Eddie jumped several inches in the air and then settled again. In an unsteady voice he said "I'm sorry. I heard you the first time. I-I-I just don't quite know what's going on."
Way to play it cool Eddie, try to relax and try to ask a question without sounding like a pathetic mess, He thought to himself.
"I'm so confused right now. You see, I was just walking through the park-"
"Please spare me your stories" interrupted Zed 937 Beta, its tone switching abruptly from congenial to snappish "I was just trying to be polite. I don't actually care if you're confused or scared or hard of hearing. I'm just here to get you to your destination. I wasn't programmed for small talk and I certainly have no intention of engaging in it." The rust in its voice inadvertently increased the sarcasm of the statement by a factor of 2.5.
"I'm sorry, but I don't know where I am or what you're talking about. And my name isn't Ambassador Raymond" Eddie whined.
"Your apology is unnecessary, and frankly, a little annoying" replied the robot, its tone increasing in harshness. Suddenly its voice returned to the polite and contrived tone it had begun at "Now please return to the lounge and enjoy a selection from our library, or relax on the sofa and enjoy the fine view from the port-side window."
"Window?" Eddie asked no one in particular as he finally realized the flat screen monitors were not monitors at all, but windows. "Are-are we in outer space?"
After what it judged to be a sufficiently awkward pause Zed 937 Beta answered mockingly "See, you're not so confused after all," then continued in its most courteous intonation "Now please return to the lounge and enjoy a selection from our library, or relax on the sofa and enjoy the fine view from the port-side window."
At this point Eddie officially began to freak out. Why he hadn't done so sooner, he couldn't be certain, but now seemed like as appropriate a time as any.
Noticing immediately that the man before him (or behind him, depending on whether you judge the position based on its relativity to the front of one's body or one's head) was beginning to freak out, the robot stood up from its seated position, turned its body around so that it faced in the same direction as its head, and placed a cold, rusty hand on the Earthman's arm. Next it firmly pulled Eddie along with it as it proceeded to the dingy room, which it had previously and perhaps inappropriately referred to as the lounge, whereupon it disengaged his arm and continued on towards the only door Eddie had not passed through. The door opened just as noisily as the other two doors had, and from the room issued a continuous high-pitched whistling sound as well as an intermittent grinding. The room's contents were not visible to Eddie, as there seemed to be absolutely no lighting from within. The door closed behind the robot as it disappeared for what seemed to Eddie like sixty-five hours, though it was probably only about forty-five seconds.
When it emerged, Zed 937 Beta carried a tarnished silver tray with a biscuit and a steaming hot cup of dark brown liquid. "Perhaps you would care for a refreshment to help you relax," it suggested politely.
"No thanks" said Eddie as politely as he could "I'm really not hungry right-"
"Perhaps you would enjoy a biscuit" interrupted the robot in a disturbingly pleasant voice.
"Umm, okay," Eddie was stupefied, and picked up the biscuit, then cautiously took a bite of it. The taste was chalky and bland, which was a relief considering he had expected much worse.
Suddenly he blacked out.