Eddie slowly drifted back into consciousness, though his senses took a bit longer to catch up with the rest of him. His body felt numb all over and his vision was blurry, though he could swear he saw a thin purple and blue, vaguely human-shaped figure standing directly in front of him. From his position on what he assumed was the floor he could not get a good sense of the figure's height. What he could get a sense of was that the creature was screeching very loudly and making a lot of nonsensical babbling noises and appeared to be swinging its arms around a lot in the direction of another figure. The other figure, a grayish humanoid, was making similar noises back at the purple and blue shape, but with a rusty undertone in its voice.
Suddenly the grayish figure bent down towards Eddie and asked in plain English "Are you awake yet?" and gave him a swift kick to the side.
Immediately Eddie knew it was that same cantankerous robot he had been kidnapped by. "Ouch" he yelled unintentionally. It felt worse than the time he'd gotten into a bar fight and had been kicked by a burly biker wearing steel-toed boots. The kick hurt more than it was probably intended to, guessed Eddie in a rare moment of clarity, because robots probably aren't as familiar with pain as frail humans are. Then, coming to his senses Eddie asked "Did you drug me?"
"You humans are a sharp bunch, aren't you?" replied Zed 937 Beta.
"Why the hell did you do that?" Eddie felt a dangerous combination of angry, confused, and helpless.
The purple and blue figure, which was a little less blurry by now, began to shout and wave its arms wildly again, to which the robot responded by shouting and screeching right back. Then it turned to Eddie again and said "She wants to talk to you. Stay there." And before Eddie could form a question it stomped out of his field of vision.
A few awkward moments passed and the purple and blue figure had a seat in a nearby chair. Eddie tried to sit up, but his drug-induced state made that unexpectedly difficult. He managed to do so, but only after struggling for a few minutes, while the figure just stared at him silently.
By the time Zed 937 Beta came back into the room Eddie's vision had returned to almost perfect clarity, and he was able to survey his surroundings. It was another room, a little larger than the so-called lounge he had passed out in, but bore a few similarities. It was sparsely furnished with two tacky sofas and chairs and had another one of those windows with a view of outer space, but this time the stars did not appear to be moving.
The woman who sat staring at him looked human, but had light blue skin and thick dreadlocks of the exact same color tied back in a pony tail. She wore a purple jumpsuit with a crest on the sleeve that reminded him of the one he had seen on the man being mugged in the park.
What an amazing coincidence, thought Eddie, and wondered if the woman would be amused if he told her about it. He looked up at her, but she was scowling and purposefully avoiding eye contact, so he decided the story would have to wait.
Zed 937 Beta bent down and presented him with a small colorful bottle. "Eat this" it demanded.
"The bottle?" Eddie asked stupidly.
"Don't they keep things in bottles on Earth? Is it just me or do you humans keep getting stupider and stupider?"
Eddie was amazed to find that he could read the label even though it wasn't printed in English. Some part of him deep down inside that he couldn't pinpoint seemed to understand what the words meant.
The label was printed in a language called Simp, which was discovered by scientists just over 50,000 years ago. Simp is a universal language, which means it is somehow inherently understood by every intelligent race in existence because it appeals to some primordial instinct possessed by all sentient forms of life. Though it is immediately understood by anyone who encounters it, one must still take proper lessons before being able to speak or write in Simp. The Simp alphabet contains only 7 letters, making it very simple and straightforward to learn, plus Simp typewriters are very small and compact, making them extremely portable and convenient to use. Also the grammatical structure of sentences is very simple, with very clear-cut rules regarding concepts such as tense, syntax, pluralization, and so forth.
Though it is understood by every sentient race in the galaxy, it is not the official language of any. Many scientists lobbied for it to be made the Milky Way's official language, but various groups such as publishing houses, language teachers, and alphabet soup manufacturers successfully lobbied against it because of the upheaval it would cause. Also many religious groups protested it, instantly labeling it as evil for reasons that only made sense to them, but to anyone else their arguments resembled nonsensical yammering.
The label on the bottle in Eddie's hand read: Translatabs by Ketracet Labs and below that in bright yellow lettering it said: Now with fewer misunderstandings than ever! On the back of the bottle it instructed him to simply chew one tablet, and informed him that the effects of the Translatab would occur immediately.
"What does it do?" he asked the robot, who stood waiting impatiently.
"Just take the snerping pill," Zed 937 Beta demanded viciously, "It will allow you to understand what this… woman is saying."
The cap twisted off fairly easily, and after removing what seemed like a pound of cotton and a freshness packed with a "Do not eat" warning printed on it, he found a single yellow pill at the bottom of the bottle.
Eddie eyed the pill hesitantly, remembering what happened the last time he had ingested something handed to him by the ornery robot. After a moment's deliberation he thought, what's the worst that could happen? and popped the pill in his mouth. It tasted almost pleasant, like a lemon drop, but sweeter. He smiled, relieved by its apparent harmlessness, but his smile immediately twisted into an expression of pure agony as sharp needles of pain ran up the roof of his mouth and into his brain. He dropped the bottle and began clutching his throbbing head and writhing on the floor.
He tried to maintain some shred of dignity, but couldn't contain the screams of pain that soon poured from his crooked mouth. It felt as though a balloon was being inflated inside his cranium and his head was about to burst, spewing gray matter all over the room and onto the blue woman he hadn't even spoken with and the robot with whom he wished he never had.
There were so many things he'd never gotten to do in life, such as falling in love, getting married, finding a meaningful career, owning a home, slapping Serena across the face, and now it seemed like he'd never get to do any of those things because he was about to die of massive brain hemorrhaging. It was ironic that getting to travel in outer space and meeting a real live robot were things that he'd always fantasized about, but at this moment were far less appealing than he'd ever imagined they'd be, and he'd give up the bragging rights in a heartbeat just to be sitting at Blake's Tavern again.
Then, just when he thought it was all going to end, he vomited on the floor in front of him, and immediately felt one hundred percent better.
Translatabs work by taking a portion of the brain that the subject isn't using (In a brain such as Eddie's the Translatab has more than enough to work with) and converting it into an extremely efficient language processing center, allowing the subject to understand almost any language he or she will ever encounter. Because the process is so efficient, a brain the size of that of an ordinary human could be restructured to hold an almost unlimited amount of information.
Ketracet Labs has engineered many upgrades since the original Translatab, each upgrade including any new languages that have been discovered since the previous version. The newest pill contains understanding of over fifty-one and a half thousand languages, and boasts "Now with less misunderstandings than ever!" Of course, some misunderstandings do still occur. After all, nothing's perfect.
Even after taking a Translatab, one still must be careful when interacting with a species with which one is not familiar, or one could easily say something one didn't intend to say. For instance, when Eddie made the mess on the floor he inadvertently said hello in Vexodeejian. Needless to say, Vexodeejians try to keep their conversations short and to the point, and almost never say anything that isn't worth the trouble.
"What was that?" he asked, attempting to gain some sort of handle on the situation.
"That pill allows you to understand almost any language you will ever encounter" Replied Zed 937 Beta.
"That's amazing. I can't believe a pill could do all that. Is it in any way harmful?"
"Not as far as I know, but anything that useful has to be."
"You're not inspiring a lot of confidence."
"Oh, I'm sorry, was I supposed to?" Zed 937 Beta's voice once again took on its sardonic tone.
"Umm, okay," said Eddie wearily, "but can someone please tell me what's going on?"
The pale blue woman stood up from her seat and stared hard at Eddie, her eyes seemed to pierce his flesh with their ice cold gaze. She spoke in a voice that was even colder: "My name is Fendra-Li and I am an assistant to Earth Ambassador Raymond."
"Who is this Earth Ambassador Raymond everyone keeps mentioning?" asked Eddie.
"Will you just shut the snerp up and let me finish?" snapped Fendra-Li, not breaking the cold hard stare that made Eddie feel just about as comfortable as a worm impaled on an ice cold hook.
He let out an involuntary whimper, which she interpreted as an invitation to continue.
"This" she flung one of her thin blue arms out toward the robot with such emphasis that it looked for a moment like it would break off "incompetent robot taxi driver was supposed to pick up the ambassador, and somehow ended up with you instead. What a fine mess we're in now."
"Well," said Eddie meekly, "c-can't you just take me home and pick up the ambassador and then everything will be okay?"
"No!" screeched Fendra-Li, "because the congress meets in three days and Earth is two days away."
For a moment Eddie thought he'd lose the contents of his stomach again "You mean I was passed out for two days?"
The woman's eyes flashed with a suddenly furious blaze of blue "How dare you think of yourself at a time like this? Don't you realize what's happening?"
"Umm-" replied Eddie.
"I'll tell you what's happening" her voice suddenly increased in intensity, but lowered in volume so that the words cut with the precision of a surgeon's knife "The Galactic Congress will convene in three days and will make some very important decisions that will determine the future of the galaxy. Earth must have representation."
The room was silent for a moment allowing the previous statement to sink in. As Eddie glanced nervously around the room, attempting to avoid eye contact with anyone, he made the kind of eye contact he would never forget. At first when he saw it he thought it was his mind playing tricks on him, so he looked away, and when he looked back and it was still there he opened his mouth to express his trepidation, but all that emerged was a tiny squeak.
The other eyes in the room turned immediately in the direction in which Eddie's terrified gaze was fixed, but they responded to what they saw in a much more calm and collected manner. Behind one of the sofas an eyeball the size of an orange stood atop a thin stalk, peering over the couch at Eddie.
"Why do you have to be so snerping weird?" Fendra-Li scolded the eyeball, or presumably to what- or whomever it was attached.
Then from behind the sofa a figure stood up, giving Eddie more of a scare, though not intentionally. What Eddie saw frightened him in ways he never before would have imagined. It was obviously another alien creature of some sort, but if this was how most aliens were going to look, he didn't want to ever see another one as long as he lived. It had an oblong barrel-shaped body that stood atop two legs and had what appeared to be three tentacles protruding from each side instead of arms. And if that wasn't disturbing enough, its head was truly foreign in the mind of a human who had never left Earth before. Where its mouth should have been was an eye, and where its eyes should have been were three mouths and from its cranium protruded a large eye on a stalk – the very same that had been watching from behind the couch. Eddie wasn't certain, but it looked as though the alien was clad in an ill-fitting burlap sack.
The creature spoke: "Calm down, Fendri. I didn't do anything wrong"
To Eddie's horror he noticed that sounds were coming from all three of the mouths, each of them producing slightly different ranges of pitch, which together seemed to form some bizarre, yet recognizable language. Had it not been for the Translatab, Eddie was certain the sonic amalgam would have sounded completely bizarre. Oddly enough, he could tell from something in the creature's tone that it was quite friendly, unlike the light blue woman who had just been screaming at him.
The creature was an N'Rpkit'Ch-lit (the P is silent). If you think that word is difficult to pronounce, try learning their entire language. It is one of the most complex in the Milky Way galaxy, probably because it is produced by three mouths, each of which creates entirely different ranges of sound, that when combined, form words. Perhaps the most notable quality of the language is that the emotional meaning behind any spoken word or phrase is immediately apparent. This is because the sounds produced by one mouth carry the emotional content of the message, while the noises from the other two carry the informational component.
Many language scholars from distant worlds have gone to the planet N'Rpkit'Ch-lit to study the phenomenon, and very few have returned with their sanity. Fortunately Ketracet labs paid an exorbitant amount to one successful linguist and included the language on their next Translatab upgrade, so its complexity is no longer a barrier for those who do not speak it.
"But I'm afraid she's right" the creature continued.
"Well it's about time you spoke up" said Fendra-Li icily, "I'm getting tired of doing all the talking, especially since this retched snerp doesn't seem to grasp anything I'm telling him. And what did I tell you about calling me Fendri?"
The strange alien moved toward Eddie, who was still not sure whether to be alarmed or terrified, so he chose the simplest course of action and stood frozen and gaping at the thing lumbering toward him.
"What's your name?" the creature asked politely.
"I-I'm Eddie" he replied sheepishly.
"It's a pleasure to meet you Eddie," the creature extended a tentacle, which after a moment's consideration Eddie reached out his own hand and shook. The creature continued: "My name is-" another tentacle shot out from the creature's side and smacked Eddie on the side of the head.
He leapt back in fear and raised his arms to block any further blows the strange alien might try to land on him.
"I'm sorry, did I frighten you?" asked the creature very apologetically, "My name doesn't translate well into other languages, and is most easily expressed by lightly whacking someone on the side of the head. Did I hurt you?"
Eddie shook his head, and slowly lowered his arms "No, I-I just wasn't expecting that."
Fendra-Li let out a sigh of annoyance "We just call him Headache. It makes things easier. Needless to say, he tends to start a lot of fights when introducing himself."
"Etiquette is a complicated thing to learn when you're dealing with species you've never encountered before" explained Headache "At least a few misunderstandings are inevitable every once in a while."
"How did you know to shake my hand?" asked Eddie, fascinated, "Is that how you greet people, even on other planets?"
"No. In fact, in some cultures, extending your hand in such a way is considered an insult. I've studied Earth culture extensively so that I could work as your - er - the Earth Ambassador's aide."
"Apparently you weren't paying attention when they told you that on Earth it's considered impolite to smack people on the head." Eddie chucked with satisfaction at his clever jibe until he realized no one else found his comment amusing, and then went back to being sheepish.
The N'Rpkit'Ch-lit are a peaceful race who spend most of their time farming and composing some of the most complicated and beautiful vocal music in the Milky Way. Much like the situation on Earth, most N'Rpkit'Ch-lit don't believe in alien life, as they themselves have never mastered long-range spatial travel, and therefore assume that the possibility of any other race accomplishing such a feat is unlikely. Also, similar to Earth, they are not considered particularly important to the Galactic Council.
In fact planets such as those two have representation on the Galactic Council for one very specific reason. Many thousands of years ago a law was passed stating that every planet with sentient life must have representation among the council. Since the passing of that law the term "sentient" has become the root of a great deal of controversy and strife because it was never concretely defined. As a result of the loose definition of the word, fierce debates take place when determining which planets are qualified to take part in galactic politics.
In order to remove a considerable amount of bickering and controversy from the council itself a special task force was appointed to select a planetary representative from worlds such as Earth and N'Rpkit'Ch-lit, whose populations are completely ignorant of galactic politics. Such planets were nicknamed "i-planets", in which the "i" stands for ignorant.
Many politicians argue that the policy of arbitrarily nominating a representative for an entire planet is completely unfair, considering that some planets have many governments. More advanced planets who stand united under one governing system argue that they only get to have one Ambassador, so those i-planets can shove it. It is reasoned that morons like Eddie and Headache are ideal representatives for i-planets because though they are uninformed and relatively uneducated about the needs of their planet, they are politically impartial because they know very little of what goes on inside their planets' governments. Also they are virtually immune to corruption because no one in their right mind would ever trust them enough to attempt to bribe them. Some would suggest that a more intelligent, worldly, and politically aware candidate would be better suited to represent the planet, but because tracking down someone with those kinds of qualifications would require too much effort, the council has decided it isn't worth the trouble. One very articulate member of the Galactic Council once put it best when he said: "Why bother? Those planets aren't important enough. These imbeciles will do just fine."
Unfortunately for the i-planets, qualified representatives are almost never chosen. For instance, Headache was chosen randomly by a task force that was forced to make a decision quickly because they had lost track of time while taking a detour to a local resort planet. After getting over the initial shock of being abducted by aliens for such an incredible purpose, Headache had proven to be very eager and dedicated to becoming a galactic ambassador and spent much time studying interplanetary etiquette. Unfortunately he was never able to get a firm grasp on it for several reasons, the first being that etiquette is not an important part of life on N'Rpkit'Ch-lit. In fact it is a concept that is completely unheard of, and the N'Rpkit'Ch-lit, being a simple and unpretentious race, would consider it very strange that someone would want to bother with such formalities at all. The second reason is that Headache is quite simply not very bright. More specifically, he lacks the sort of common sense that would prove invaluable to most people in trying situations, and in basic everyday situations for that matter. He does, however, display an amazing memory and the ability to retell stories in ways that can really captivate an audience, mostly because storytelling is a treasured pastime among his people. In fact, prior to getting roped into galactic politics, he had been studying to become a traveling minstrel.
Because of his tendency to behave in ways that are common among his own people, but viewed by others as very strange, he tends to find himself in awkward situations such as the incident in which he smacked Eddie upside the head. Also note the unfortunate circumstance in which he had been seated on the floor behind the couch with only his cranial eye visible, giving Eddie quite a scare. Unfortunately furniture does not exist on his home planet and he has never been able to adjust to using it properly. Sadly etiquette was one of the more serious obstacles that could have been avoided in his short-lived career as ambassador if the task force had simply spent more time finding a more suitable candidate for the position.
You are probably wondering why it is that Headache was working as an assistant to the Earth Ambassador if he was originally intended to be the ambassador to his own planet. The story behind it is a tragic, heart-rending tale, which I will account for you momentarily.
The unfortunate incident occurred when he was invited to an important diplomatic event with representatives from Xlavraxtria, a neighboring planet to his home world. Noting that the event was of particular political importance, one of his assistants advised him to wear something a little more stylish and sophisticated, rather than his typical outfit.
Headache, like most of his species, had no fashion sense and possessed no understanding of why anyone would put so much thought and concern into what they cover their body with. Instead of following fashion trends he chose to wear a simple burlap covering with holes for his tentacles, head, and legs. Oddly enough, because of the unique texture and composition of epidermis of N'Rpkit'Ch-lit people, they find burlap to be quite a comfortable fabric.
Lacking any fashion sense, common sense, or pretty much sense of any kind, he pinned a Gleez flower to his burlap covering and felt more stylish and sophisticated than ever. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to Headache, Xlavraxtriacs are highly allergic to Gleez flower, and everyone at the conference immediately broke out in hives minutes after his arrival. He was promptly fired.
Realizing he would never fit in again at home after having been exposed to portions of the galaxy that none of his people had even begun to imagine, he chose to continue his political career in any way he could. He ended up getting just about the only job in the galaxy that someone with his horrendous employment record was qualified for: assistant to the ambassador of Earth.
"Excuse me" interjected the robot, who stood nearby trying to appear as impatient as possible, "I hate to interrupt your little chat, but I'd like to get going and you still haven't settled the bill."
Fendra-Li glared at the rusty robot "We don't owe you anything, you pile of old scrap metal. You didn't deliver the ambassador like you were supposed to. Instead you picked up this pathetic excuse for a human, who probably isn't even worth his weight in snerp droppings."
Eddie felt his face turning beet red, and opened his mouth to say something in his own defense, but then thought better of it when he realized that what she had said was probably in fact quite true, even though he had no idea what a snerp was, nor the value of its droppings.
"For all I knew, this human was the ambassador," countered the robot, "I assumed he'd suffered amnesia from the teleporter."
"For Heptoc's sake! You know that isn't true!" argued Headache, "You've been a taxi driver for years. Have you ever known anyone to have gotten amnesia from a teleporter?"
"Well, no" the insufferable robot admitted reluctantly.
"And besides," asserted Eddie, "I told you I wasn't the ambassador."
"Back off or I'll snap you in half!" roared Zed 937 Beta, its rusty metallic face suddenly only inches away from Eddie's.
Eddie, narrowly avoiding a heart attack, let out a whimper and tried his best not to cower in fear. Then he retreated to the corner of the room and did just that.
"I don't think you realize whom you're dealing with" stated Zed 937 Beta, a dangerous level of hostility building in its voice.
Damned grammatically correct robots thought Headache, who could never remember when to use "who" as opposed to "whom".
"No, I don't think you know whom you're dealing with" countered Fendra-Li.
"Actually I do," replied the robot matter-of-factly, "I'm dealing with a group of inferior life forms who don't know when to shut up. You see, I wasn't always a lowly taxi driver. I was once an assassin, and believe me, I still remember a thing or two from those days. Now you'll pay me if you know what's good for you."
"Listen pal, we don't want any trouble, so we'll pay you," pleaded Headache, "but only because we don't want any trouble."
"Today you've made an enemy for life," Zed 937 Beta said ominously, "I just wanted to let you know that before I go."
"Oh, and by the way, you filthy bucket or rust," added Fendra-Li, "the minute you leave I'm calling your supervisor to tell him what a lousy job you did."
"You have no idea what I'm capable of," warned the robot, "but if you keep trying me you just might find out."
"That does it, you're not getting a tip," taunted Fendra-Li, then thought better of it. "Just kidding" she chuckled nervously.
The room was silent as the three non-robotic life forms nervously avoided eye contact with the menacing automaton until he left the room.
"You don't scare me," Fendra-Li called after Zed 937 Beta after he had left the room and was out of earshot, "Now shut up and get the snerp out of here!"
"Am I the only one who heard him say he used to be an assassin?" asked a shaken and bug-eyed Eddie, who was curled up in a fetal position in the corner of the room.