"What are we going to do now?" Fendra-Li asked no one in particular.
"Change our identities and hope it never tracks us down" replied Headache, only half joking.
"I'm not talking about that. I'm not afraid of that stupid robot," she tried to convince herself as well as the others, "I mean what are we going to do without the ambassador. The Galactic Council convenes in three days."
"Why don't you act as ambassador to Earth?" suggested Headache, "You're half-human and the daughter of a former ambassador. Besides, you've been an ambassador's assistant for years, so you know what needs to be done."
"I would make a great ambassador, wouldn't I?" she said, striking an epic pose and gazing at her own reflection in the window. "They'd all love me, and how can you go wrong with that?" She released her dreadlocks from the pony tail and shook her head luxuriously.
To Eddie's amazement the dreadlocks stood up of their own accord and began waving slowly in the air before they settled down along her back and shoulders. Just then it occurred to him that they were not dreadlocks, but tentacles. To his surprise he was not nearly as freaked out by that fact as he thought he would be. Then he glanced over at Headache and remembered that there were much stranger things in the galaxy than a few tentacles.
"Plus I have the best fashion sense in the galaxy," she went on, "I'd have to design a new uniform instead of this tacky purple monstrosity. I'd be the most popular ambassador ever!"
Eddie thought she sounded an awful lot like a high school cheerleader he once knew, but decided to keep that information to himself. "Wait a minute, you're half human?" he asked instead.
"No, that would never work" she continued with resignation, ignoring Eddie completely, "I'm half Gelorian and I've never even been to Earth. The council would never allow me to be its ambassador."
"What about your father?" suggested Headache, "I know he's retired, but maybe he could stand in as an emergency representative for now."
Fendra-Li shook her head, "No, he's on some resort planet in the Venovian Nebula. And even if he were less than three days away, I don't even know how to get in touch with him. And it doesn't help that he hasn't been to Earth in over two decades."
"So what does that leave us with?" asked Headache.
Then both slowly made eye contact with one another, then turned reluctantly toward Eddie, who was now sitting nervously in one of the chairs, playing with a thread that had come loose.
"There has to be some other way" said Fendra-Li in disbelief.
"If there is I can't think of it" Headache informed her.
"He is the only known Earthling who can represent the planet on such short notice, whether he's qualified to do so or not," admitted Fendra-Li.
Eddie looked up from the long string he had unraveled, leaving a large hole in the fabric of the chair. He now bore a striking resemblance to a deer in headlights "No way. This is not happening," he protested.
Headache squatted down next to Eddie, bringing his eye stalk to eye-level with him in what was obviously meant to be a reassuring manner, but the human found it downright creepy. In a soothing tone Headache said "Come on, we can prepare you for this. It won't be half as bad as you think. I promise."
Eddie shook his head.
"Seriously, how often do you get a chance to do something like this? It'll be interesting. You'll get to see how the intragalactic government works and you'll get to meet so many other species," added Headache, attempting to make the offer sound as alluring as possible.
"I've already seen enough" countered Eddie.
"This is an honor. You're one of a very small number of humans to ever get this kind of opportunity."
Eddie brought up an interesting counterpoint: "No."
"It's your duty as an Earthman to stand up and represent your planet when no competent person is available," argued Fendra-Li.
"I don't think you realize how freaked out I am right now," Eddie pointed out, "I can't handle this kind of pressure. I never even knew aliens existed and now you're asking me to represent my planet in some kind of intergalactic conference?"
"Intragalactic," Headache corrected him.
"What?"
"You said 'intergalactic', but really it's intragalactic," said Headache, "The congress rules inside this galaxy, not across galaxies."
"Are semantics really that important right now?"
"Yes they are, especially if you're going to be the ambassador of Earth."
"This can't be happening," Eddie muttered, rubbing his forehead as if to massage the sanity back into his brain, "It feels like some crazy dream and I keep expecting to wake up at any minute."
Without a moment's hesitation Fendra-Li reached out and gave Eddie a hard slap across the face.
"What the hell was that for?" he asked defensively.
"If you were dreaming that would have woken you up," she asserted, "and it didn't, so you know this is all really happening. Now deal with it."
Eddie put on the biggest scowl he could muster, which didn't even begin to phase Fendra-Li.
"Listen," she said with a frustrated sigh, "It isn't nearly as much pressure as you're making it out to be. Earth is such an insignificant planet, no one's going to pay any attention to you anyway. They're going to be too busy listening to all the important people."
Eddie once again wore his confused face.
"Why do you think you got picked up by a rusty old Intragalaxi Taxi with a driver who didn't even care if you were really the ambassador?" she continued, "Do you think important representatives get that kind of treatment? And look at the ship you're in now. This is the Earth Envoy's official vessel, provided for us by the Galactic Council. Do you really think everyone gets a ship as puny and shoddy as ours? This piece of junk didn't even pass most of the safety evaluations."
"But hey" Headache chimed in, "119 out of 470 ain't bad."
Then Eddie realized something that made no sense to him: "If this is the Earth Envoy's ship, why didn't you fly to Earth to pick up the ambassador instead of sending that horrible taxi?"
"Fendra-Li needed our ship to go to a spa on Smailliw Ekrub" said Headache, rolling both of his eyes in a manner that Eddie found disconcerting.
"Don't roll your eyes at him" snapped Fendra-Li, "Do you think my skin stays this soft and creamy all by itself?" She paused for emphasis, then continued: "No. At least not while I'm under all this stress. It requires regular treatments," and then after a moment's consideration and a haughty expression she added "At least I make an effort to look good, unlike some life forms around here. Which reminds me, if Earth were that important, do you think its ambassador would have an assistant as inept as him?" she gestured toward Headache.
"Or as arrogant and thoughtless as her?" added Headache.
"I think I get the point," sighed Eddie, "Earth doesn't matter."
"That's not true," Fendra-Li disagreed, "Earth does matter, just not very much at all. In fact you're almost completely insignificant, but not quite."
"Oh, that makes me feel better," said Eddie sarcastically, and then realized that on some microscopic level it actually did actually give him some strange sense of comfort, though he was still nervous as hell.
"There are going to be a lot of issues to vote on, and we'll make a list for you so you don't forget how to vote on each one. That way you won't even screw up." Fendra-Li informed him, "Unless you're a complete imbecile," she added under her breath, but audibly enough for Eddie to hear.
"But what's really important" added Headache, "is your work on the Expletive Council."
"The what?" Eddie had to ask.
Now it was Fendra-Li's turn to roll her eyes. "Don't you know anything? Headache, will you explain this to him? I'm exhausted and I need to call Gurf."
"Do what you have to, Fendi. I've got things under control" said Headache with three devious smirks on his forehead.
Fendra-Li's voice rose to a screech "How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that!"
"Skidge," replied Headache, "calm down. Go call your boyfriend."
Indignantly, Fendra-Li stomped out of the room.
Moments later Eddie heard a great deal of whining and crying and unintelligible screeching coming from the next room, and reluctantly asked "Is she okay? Should one of us go and check on her?"
"No," replied Headache, "She's just on the phone with her boyfriend, probably having a fit because of what's happened."
"Oh," said Eddie, a combination of relieved and disconcerted, "but shouldn't I be able to understand her? Did my Translatab stop working?" he asked, terrified at the idea that he might have to endure the agony of ingesting another one of those torturous pills.
"Don't worry" Headache reassured him, "your Translatab is still working. She just doesn't make a lot of sense when she's having a fit. I don't know how her boyfriend understands her at all. He must have supernatural hearing as well as supernatural patience. I'll admit that Fendra-Li's an attractive woman, but he's the only guy I know who can put up with her constant whining and pouting."
"Now let's get back to the matter at hand" Headache said, getting back to the previous subject, "If you're going to be on the Expletive Council I'm going to have to explain a few things to you first."
"I think I'm out of my league here," complained Eddie, "I didn't know I'd have to be in two different councils. I don't think I can handle it."
"Sure you can," Headache reassured him, "I did it just fine until I got fired."
"What?"
"Never mind, it isn't important. What's important is that I tell you what you need to know about the Expletive Council."
"What does the Expletive Council do anyway?" Eddie asked, bracing himself for an explanation he was almost sure he wouldn't be able to grasp.
"It is in charge of making decisions about what expletives people are supposed to use."
"I don't get it. What's an expletive?"
"An expletive is a word you use when you're angry or frustrated usually, but a lot of people use them in casual conversation these days. Earthlings use words like bitch and fuck and Jesus Christ."
"You mean swear words?"
"Yes."
"Why would there be a council that decides what swear words people use?" Eddie asked in disbelief.
"It's very important to use the right expletives, and that is why the council was put in place."
"That makes no sense." For a moment Eddie was almost ready to hail the nearest Intragalaxi Taxi and head home to Earth, even if it meant riding with another homicidal robot.
"To understand the purpose of the Expletive Council one must first understand the history of expletives. In order to understand the history of expletives one must understand the history of the universe."
"You know the history of the universe?" Eddie had to admit, he was a little fascinated.
"Well, just the important points."
"Do you know how the universe was created?" he asked, astonished.
"Of course."
"Well, how was it created?"
"The Big Bang of course. I thought even Earthlings knew that."
"We do, but some people think it was created by God."
"Oh, it was."
"What?"
"I said 'Oh, it was,'" repeated Headache, a little louder.
"But I thought you said it was created by the Big Bang."
"I did say that. God created the big bang."
"So you mean there really is a god?"
"No."
"But you just said there was." Eddie's head was now spinning.
"I did. There was a god. She's dead now," Headache stated matter-of-factly.
"She?"
"Yes, it is a known fact that God was female. You did know that didn't you?"
"Umm, of course. Everyone knows God was female," Eddie lied, "but when did he - er - she die?"
"Oh, a few billion years ago."
"What happened to him – I mean - her?"
"Well, people kept taking her name in vain. Every time her name was taken in vain it hurt her, not a lot, but in a very small, almost insignificant way," explained Headache, "But people liked to take her name in vain an awful lot, and every little bit adds up, so it eventually killed her."
"Are you serious?"
"Of course I'm serious. Why would I lie about the death of a major deity?"
"I can't believe this. How do you know that what you're saying is true?" Eddie asked, skepticism evident in his voice.
"Historical documents, some hearsay and conjecture. But it's all been tested and we're absolutely sure we know what we're talking about."
"How could you possibly be sure?"
"Listen, we don't really have time to get into it right now, at least not if you want to be prepared by the time the council convenes," asserted Headache, less patiently, "You'll have to trust me on this one."
"Okay" Eddie exhaled deeply. "So why did people start taking God's name in vain in the first place?"
"When sentient life first evolved it took many different forms on many different planets. Some dwelled on land, others in the sea, others deep underground, et cetera. What all of the species had in common was that they had a limited understanding of the world around them, limited by their senses. For instance, humans have only five senses. Some species have more, some have less. Your perception of the universe around you is limited by your senses, and of course your size. A tiny little human on Earth has a very difficult time understanding what all those little dots are in the sky, and why some are much bigger than others. Eventually they all realized that their knowledge of their surroundings was in some way limited. As you are well aware, people in general are not content with having unanswerable questions. They always seek an answer, at first via scientific inquiry. But science is limited by the intelligence of the scientist as well as the resources available to said scientist. At some point in time every species has grown impatient with science and made that leap to religion as a quick answer to the questions that science could not yet answer."
"They used God as an explanation for questions like 'Who created the universe?'" reasoned Eddie.
"Exactly," said Headache, relieved that the Earthling understood him so far, "Fortunately for them God really did exist and had really created the universe, and she was very happy to finally get some recognition for it. For years people had marveled at the night sky and yearned for an explanation for phenomena such as the moon and shooting stars, and God was the perfect explanation for it. People began to worship her and build temples and praise her daily for the wonderful things she provided for them such as food and shelter. Regrettably, people also began to turn to God for answers about why things went wrong in life, and they began to blame her for things such as natural disasters, plagues and famine, which she was also responsible for."
Eddie nodded. It all made sense to him so far.
"This, however, was when people began taking her name in vain. They often got frustrated when they stubbed their toes, when they got sick or when a loved one died. Whenever misfortune struck they would shout God's name angrily into the air, furious because she had allowed bad things to happen, and it gave them some relief. In a complicated universe a lot of things go wrong, so her name got used in vain a lot. That was the beginning of the end for God."
"I understand why they used her name in vain, but I don't understand how it killed her," Eddie commented.
"This is where it gets interesting," said Headache with an excited grin on each of his mouths. "She had created the universe in such a way that whenever anyone praised her it would give her power, like a battery being recharged. But on the flip side of the coin, every time someone took her name in vain it would injure her. This was necessary because the universe requires balance in order to continue to exist. God created the universe with these laws and was bound to them even herself. Every time someone took her name in vain they got a slight sense of relief from it because by causing her that tiny amount of pain it alleviates the frustration and pain that the speaker had been experiencing. It's the same as the rush you get from smacking someone who has just insulted you."
"But you said people were worshipping God too, so shouldn't that have made up for them taking her name in vain?" argued Eddie.
"No, it didn't. You know as well as I do that people swear a lot more often than they pray."
Eddie nodded in agreement, realizing that he couldn't remember the last time he prayed, and also couldn't remember a single day in which he hadn't sworn for one reason or another. "That makes sense I guess. But why would people hurt their own god just to make themselves feel better?"
"People had no idea they were slowly killing their creator. All they knew was that taking her name in vain made them feel better, so they continued to do it. Eventually God died, and people no longer felt any relief from cursing. Instead, they just got more frustrated and started taking out their anger on one another. The universe became a much more violent place. Finally, after millennia of bloodshed and violence from all the pent up frustration, scientists on a distant planet called Rebren uncovered the power of expletives and realized that new expletives needed to be created so that people might once again gain peace of mind from swearing."
"How did they make up new expletives?" Eddie asked, awestruck.
"Early on they used Rebrenese criminals as their designated scapegoats. They chose the worst criminals and locked them away in a special prison located in a military base in the Rebrenese city of Scoji. The names of the criminals were published and the Rebrenese people were told to use them as expletives. It was a very efficient system at first. The general population would find relief in using the criminals' names in vain and the criminals would eventually die from the abuse of their names. It was a brutal system, but it worked.
"Eventually people caught on to how well it worked and began swearing more and more often, and soon criminals were dying mere days after having been locked away in Scoji. Having all the world's problems blamed on one single person tends to kill that person fairly quickly. Every few days a new criminal had to be designated the new scapegoat, and it became very difficult for people to keep track of what name they could use in vain, so they just started taking the name Scoji in vain. This began to create a lot of problems. The city of Scoji began to crumble at an alarming rate. Buildings began to deteriorate at an unnatural speed, plants died, fires spontaneously erupted, and eventually chasms even opened in the ground. The government implored the people of Rebren to stop cursing the name of the city, but people were selfish and would rather feel that moment of relief from swearing, even if it meant the demise of a major city. Despite massive efforts by the Rebren government, the swearing continued until eventually the entire city was obliterated, leaving a vast crater where it once stood."
"That doesn't seem possible."
"Oh, believe me, it is possible," affirmed Headache.
"So then what did they do?"
"Well, they realized they had to come up with a more permanent solution to the problem," continued Headache, "so they explored the galaxy in search of a scapegoat that could endure much more punishment. They contacted other species on other worlds in search of help, and eventually the issue became very well known across the galaxy. Finally the Galactic Council recognized the problem and decided that a think tank should be established to assign a permanent solution. Thus the Expletive Council was formed."
"One thing I don't understand about all this is that if God is dead, why are people on Earth still using her name in vain?" asked Eddie, confounded.
"Well, they're still using her name in vain because they don't realize she's dead. Also, because Earthlings haven't been told about the expletive problem, they don't know about the new expletives that are currently being used. That's why Earth is such a violent place. Earthlings are not getting any relief from swearing, so they act out against one another in violent ways."
"So has the expletive problem been solved?"
"Of course not, otherwise we wouldn't be so concerned about the session of the Expletive Council you'll be attending."
"I thought you said new expletives are currently being used," challenged Eddie.
"They are, but many people, including Earth Ambassador Raymond, don't think the Expletive Council is making very good choices these days," explained Headache.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, the Expletive Council convenes every so often to discuss the problem of swearing and how to go about channeling all this negative energy. After they come to some sort of a consensus the convention is called to an end, followed by an enormous reception in which they celebrate their accomplishments by getting drunk. The reception is such a lavish and entertaining event that during the convention the representatives are always so preoccupied with thinking about the party that they never actually get around to solving the expletive problem. Instead they usually come up with some half-assed temporary solution and call an end to the congress before anything has really been accomplished."
Eddie couldn't believe his ears. The Expletive Council sounded like it was almost as ineffectual as most governments on Earth.
"No satisfactory solution has ever been implemented. In fact, some very bad temporary solutions have been put in place in the past. For instance, several hundred thousand years ago the council decided they would designate the great beast Maldron of planet Grulpragon as the scapegoat. They chose Maldron because he was a creature that had reportedly been woven from pure evil, and therefore was the perfect candidate for the position of scapegoat. They placed a strong force field around Grulpragon so that he could not escape and he was made the official scapegoat of the galaxy."
"Why was that such a bad idea?"
"The council didn't know this, but Maldron actually thrived on negative energy, and sat for hundreds of years feeding on the hate he received from constantly having his name used in vain. Then one day he broke through the force field around Grulpragon as a great black powerful demon, tens of thousands of times larger than he was when he had first been locked away and billions of times more powerful. He wreaked havoc on the galaxy, destroying everything in his path and enjoying every moment of it. Entire solar systems were demolished and entire races decimated."
"How did they stop him?" Eddie felt like a child listening to a bedtime story.
"The Galactic Council held an emergency meeting and decided to amass as many battleships as they could. Every government contributed as many warships as they were able to spare and an armada was formed, the likes of which the galaxy had never before seen. It was the most massive fleet the Milky Way had ever known and together they launched a large-scale cooperative effort that was only possible with the complete cooperation of the galaxy's most powerful worlds. All the people of the galaxy marveled at what a truly extraordinary thing could be accomplished if they all simply worked together. The fleet converged with Maldron near the Belfod Amalgam, a densely populated star system, and a great battle took place."
"That's amazing. So they all worked together and destroyed Maldron?"
"No, the entire fleet was annihilated in a matter of hours, and Maldron, extremely satisfied with his conquest, was now more confident than ever. His taste for blood was nearly unquenchable at this point, so he headed toward the nearest star system looking for a new race to massacre.
"A very wise sage from the Belfod Amalgam, upon witnessing the destruction of the armada, believed he knew how he could stop the terrible beast before it would reach his beloved star system. The sage set out in a small shuttle and met Maldron only several thousand miles away from the outermost planet of the Belfod Amalgam. Upon seeing the lone shuttle intrepidly approaching, Maldron was amused.
"'Why have you foolishly ventured out to meet me instead of fleeing in terror as any wise creature would do?' The thunderous voice of Maldron penetrated into the shuttle, rattling the wise man to the bone.
"The sage replied in a stern and courageous tone: 'Maldron, I demand that you turn around and leave my people in peace, for I have the key to your demise and I am not afraid to use it, should you provoke me.'
"'Hahahahaha!' the evil beast bellowed in sheer amusement, 'I am indestructible. There exists not a weapon in the universe that can put an end to my bloodbath.'
"'Maldron, you are an overconfident fool. Surely you must know that everyone has an Achilles Heel, and I have determined what yours is,' said the sage coolly.
"'Nonsense!' the creature roared 'Try what you will, but nothing can harm me!'
"'I love you.' declared the sage confidently, 'you are a wonderful being an my heart overflows with warm sentiment for you, Maldron'
"It was at that moment that Maldron realized that he did have one weakness. He felt the cold sting of love and felt a miniscule, almost infinitesimal portion of his power drained away. It was the first time in his existence that positive sentiment had ever been expressed toward him, and he didn't enjoy it, to say the least. Immediately he grabbed hold of the shuttle, broke it in half, and swallowed the man inside. The sage died instantly, and his revolutionary idea of killing the beast with kindness died with him. Fortunately, the beast became seriously ill, not realizing he was allergic to Belfodians, and promptly lapsed into a coma. This gave the Galactic Council enough time to transport Maldron back to Grulpragon and erect a new, more powerful force field, so that he would not escape again."
"And people stopped using his name as an expletive?" asked Eddie.
"Well, the Expletive Council did advise everyone to stop using his name in vain," explained Headache, "but then realized that not everyone would get the memo, and some people are just too stubborn to comply anyway. So to ensure that he wouldn't ever become powerful enough to break through the new and improved force field they legally changed his name from Maldron to Gigglesbie."
Eddie laughed out loud at the ridiculous name.
"May I remind you that millions of billions of people died?" Headache scolded him.
"Sorry," said Eddie, stifling his laughter. Then he realized that not everything in the story seemed to add up. "If the sage died before he could tell anyone the secret to defeating Maldron, how do you know about it?" he asked.
"Oh, we know that part of the story because Maldron mumbled something about it in his sleep while he was being hauled back to Grulpragon."
"I can't believe a sleeping demon is the most reliable source for that kind of important historic information"
"It's a good thing he talks in his sleep. We actually know more about his encounter with the sage than we do about what went on in the Expletive Council after his capture," Headache chuckled.
"That doesn't make sense. I thought you just said they legally changed his name and had him contained in a force field on his home world."
"That's just about all anyone knows. No one has any specific information on what happened to the name change documents."
"Don't they keep records?" Eddie asked.
"They do, but the records of the meeting were lost when the records keeper's ship went missing the day after the Expletive Council declared recess."
"What happened to the ship?"
"No one knows for sure what happened," said Headache, "All we know is that a distress signal was transmitted, but only for a very short time, and was intercepted by only one ship: a cargo vessel that happened to be within range. Unfortunately the ship's pilot was drunk and forgot to record the distress signal before it finished broadcasting."
"Did he at least remember what was said in the message?"
"He remembered only part of the message, and the next day while recovering from his hangover he contacted the authorities and a search party went out. They searched for weeks based on what little information the drunken cargo ship pilot was able to remember from the distress signal, but it was not enough to give them any leads, and so the records keeper's ship was never found, and lost with it are all the records from the meeting."
"It seems kind of irresponsible to have only one copy of the records," Eddie scoffed.
"Fortunately one delegate had the foresight to make a backup copy of the documents in the event of such a catastrophe, but that copy was also aboard the records keeper's ship, and so it too was lost. This meant that the delegates were forced to reconvene after their typical week-long celebration that always followed a council meeting, and piece together what information they could still remember about the previous meeting. Whatever information could be salvaged from the wreckage of their mangled brain cells left over from a week of partying was then recorded and kept safe."
"What information was never recovered?"
"Well, if I knew that it wouldn't be lost, would it? No one knows for sure what information was lost when the ship went missing. We only know a few things for certain. We know that the shield frequency of the new force field around Grulpragon was among that information. Also, all the documents regarding Maldron's name change were lost. Fortunately the chances of anyone using the name Gigglesbie in vain are slim to nil, so even if those records have fallen into the wrong hands there is very little to worry about. Besides, it is more than likely that the records were destroyed long ago along with the ship, otherwise it would probably have been found by now."
Eddie sat back and let all the new information sink in. "I can't believe all of that happened over something as ridiculous as a swear word. It's a shame so many people had to die."
"One upside of Maldron's rampage was that it was followed by an era of galactic peace and tranquility," Headache reassured him.
"Oh, because the governments realized that they could all work together for the greater good, like they did when they united against Maldron?" asked Eddie optimistically.
"No, because all their best warships were destroyed. Of course, eventually they all built new and better fleets and started fighting amongst each other again. Peace on such a large scale was never bound to last."
"So what expletive is being used now?" Eddie wanted to know.
"Well, after the fiasco with Maldron many different expletives were implemented, but no long-term solution was ever found. For the time being we're using the words Skidge, snerp, Nurt, and Heptoc."
"What do those words even mean?" asked Eddie.
Several hundred years ago on the planet Skidge a seven-headed goat was born and was named Heptoc by the Skidgians. Because unlike most goats on Skidge, he had seven heads instead of just one, Heptoc was immediately the subject of much controversy. He was interpreted by some as a bad omen, while others saw him as a good omen. The two groups at first attempted to settle their ideological differences through spirited debates and the age-old Skidgian tradition of arm wrestling. Over time fistfights erupted between members of the two groups, which then elevated to knife fights and eventually even name-calling. Before long the occasional battle broke out and soon the planet plunged into an all-out war. The war lasted several decades until both sides were finally obliterated.
The only Skidgians who survived were the few that had kept neutral throughout the feud and were fortunate enough to avoid being caught in the crossfire. The number of people who had remained neutral was very small because each side felt so strongly about the issue they each had launched into a ceaseless recruitment campaign, which meant that very few Skidgians were able to avoid ending up on one side or the other. Even fewer survived to see the end of the war. Those that survived swore an oath to remain forever neutral on the matter of whether Heptoc was a good or bad omen, even though the evidence so far seemed to state rather glaringly that he was a bad omen, considering he had indirectly brought about the demise of most of the planet's population. Some of the survivors formed a society called The Ipconvivia Draxcra, which means "protectors of the seven-headed goat, whose alignment remains uncertain". Their goal was to ensure that no harm came to Heptoc until it could be determined for what purpose he existed.
The Ipconvivia Draxcra thought it prudent to address the Galactic Council on the matter, hoping to gain support and assistance in ensuring Heptoc's safety. Upon learning of the situation, and much to the dismay of the Ipconvivia Draxcra, the Expletive Council reasoned that Heptoc's purpose was to serve as the next galactic scapegoat. They had several reasons for arriving at this conclusion, the first of which was that he had survived a massive full-scale war on his home planet, so he must be able to withstand a lot of damage and therefore would not die quite as quickly as previous scapegoats had. The second reason for their conclusion was that Heptoc was a goat with no obvious purpose, so why the hell not kill him with expletives and put an end to the whole controversy?
The Expletive Council decided the following: Heptoc's name shall be a new expletive, as well as the name of his planet, Skidge. In addition, they invented the words snerp, which means "a species of goat native to planet Skidge born with seven heads", and Nurt, which is a verb meaning "to be a snerp", which would also function as expletives. The councilors were so overly pleased with themselves for having invented three new expletives that they threw the most extravagant reception in Expletive Council history. It was so excessive that it ended up costing them their entire budget allotment for the next two centuries. Fortunately Heptoc has lived long enough to see the convening of the next Expletive Council, but very few members of the Ipconvivia Draxcra remain because Skidge is barely habitable anymore following the series of natural disasters that occurred as a result of the constant abuse of the planet's name.
The surviving members have one goal in mind during the next meeting of the council: the current expletives must be changed so that Heptoc may survive and serve whatever purpose he was brought into existence for. They are fairly certain his intended purpose is not to serve as a scapegoat for angry beings all over the galaxy, but have not been allowed to dispute the council's decision in the last two hundred years, and are eager to do so, to say the least.
Headache explained this all to Eddie, with emphasis on the fact that since this was the first Expletive Council to be held in over two hundred years, it was a critical meeting and he'd need to be prepared. This, of course, was the last thing the frightened Earthman wanted to hear, given that he was already under enough pressure.