Eddie's nervous thoughts were interrupted when the automatic door leading to the transporter room opened and a man walked in. He was tall and looked very similar to Fendra-Li, with the same long tentacles protruding from his head, though his skin was a much darker shade of blue, like all full-blooded Gelorians. Though Eddie couldn't pinpoint exactly why, the man appeared rather plain and unassuming, the type of guy who wouldn't stand out in a crowd. Eddie found it particularly strange that he somehow instinctually noticed this, considering that he had never before seen a full-blooded Gelorian.
"Gurf!" shouted Headache, and stood up to give the man a pat on the shoulder with two of his tentacles (a common greeting among Headache's race).
"It's good to see you" said the man in an unpretentious voice that commanded neither respect nor even the slightest bit of attention. In fact, Eddie wasn't even certain he would have noticed that the man was speaking at all, except for the fact that he was looking directly at him and had seen his lips moving.
"This here's Eddie, our stand-in Earth Ambassador," said Headache, waving a tentacle at the Earthman.
Then, turning to Eddie the man said "Pleased to meet you, I'm Gurf Morlix. Fendra-Li's already told me a lot about you."
Eddie didn't know how to react, assuming from what he overheard from Fendra-Li's frantic phone conversation that what she'd said about him was not good, to say the least, so he asked "Are you an assistant to the ambassador too?"
"No," replied Gurf, "I'm Fendra-Li's boyfriend. I'm just here for moral support. Speaking of which, where is that princess of mine?"
"She's in her room" Headache informed him.
Gurf went to go find Fendra-Li.
After he had left the room, Eddie asked "That's her boyfriend? Isn't he sort of-"
"Plain?" Headache finished his thought for him.
"Yeah" confirmed Eddie, "I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed. Though I guess I'm not one to talk."
"Are you kidding?" asked Headache rhetorically, "I've only known you a little while, but I bet you have more personality in just one of your dead skin cells than he has altogether."
"Thanks" said Eddie, flattered by the bizarre analogy, and smiling for the first time since he'd been on the ship, "but why would she date someone like him?"
"Are you kidding?" Headache asked again, rhetorically of course, "He's perfect for her. She's an attention whore and doesn't want to have to compete with her own boyfriend for the spotlight. She'll never have to worry about that at all with him. He's so dull that if he were a hot knife he wouldn't even be able to cut through butter. And besides, he's a total doormat. He'll do anything she says, and even when he tries to say no, she starts screaming or crying until he breaks down. It never fails."
"That sounds like a lot of couples I know back on Earth" said Eddie, amazed to find that interspecies relationships were so relatable, "So why does he stay with her if she treats him like that?"
"Don't pretend you haven't noticed she's a total hottie. Even I think so, and I'm usually attracted to women with eye stalks. Gurf thinks he's lucky to score a specimen like her. She's got looks, she's the daughter of a fairly successful diplomat, and she's the only known Human-Gelorian hybrid. Needless to say, she's got a lot going for her."
"Jeez, you should be a salesman."
"I've thought about it, but I sort of got pigeon-holed into politics. Don't ask me how. It's a long story."
Fendra-Li burst into the room with an enormous grin on her face and shouted excitedly "I have great news! We're going to Bior Sess!" and began skipping and prancing exuberantly around the room, flailing her arms with joy.
"Why in Heptoc's name would we go there?" Headache wanted to know.
"Gurfie promised me!" she squealed with delight, continuing her joyous dance, "and while we're there we can have a uniform made for him." She gestured vaguely in Eddie's direction. "At least that way you'll be stylishly dressed when you crash and burn at the Galactic Congress," she finished with a vicious smirk.
"He's not going to crash and burn" argued Headache, "He'll do just fine."
As he uttered the last sentence Eddie could hear a hint of restrained doubt in his voice and tried hard to ignore it, but couldn't. "What's Bior Sess?" he asked in an attempt to change the subject. Plus he wanted to know what he was in for.
"It's just some overpriced luxury goods dealer," said Headache, shaking his head dismissively.
Fendra-Li stopped dead in her tracks and glared at the N'Rpkit'Ch-lit. "It is not!" she shouted, "Bior Sess is the pinnacle of high fashion. Some life forms are just too simple to understand that."
Headache rolled his eyes "Whatever you say, Fendi," and then covered his head to shield himself from the barrage of slaps and poorly maneuvered arm swings she bombarded him with.
Whether Headache or Fendra-Li's opinion of Bior Sess is more accurate depends on who you ask. The Milky Way's so-called elite members of high society would argue that Fendra-Li is right, and anyone who's anyone tries to wear as much Bior Sess as they can possibly afford. More sensible life forms, whose minds have not been tainted by excessive amounts of wealth, would argue in favor of Headache's viewpoint.
Bior Sess is a luxury goods designer, considered by many to be a visionary because of his radical ideas about high fashion. He constantly invents outrageous new trends that appeal to people with too much money and the propensity for wasting it on overpriced and impractical luxury items. His creativity is actually fuelled by his passion for exotic hallucinogenic drugs, which accounts for the fact that most of his creations are downright hideous. Bior Sess clients, however, show a remarkable talent for not noticing the repugnance of the goods.
Scientists have studied this remarkable phenomenon and have postulated the WIBA Hypothesis, which explains a lot of the peculiar behaviors exhibited by those with excessive amounts of wealth. The WIBA hypothesis is named because of its relatively straightforward explanation that Wealth Induces Brain Atrophy. WIBA syndrome has been accepted by the Milky Way Psychiatric Society as a psychiatric condition, treatable only through extensive psychotherapy. Its symptoms include severe neuroses and constant paranoia of being mistaken for, as well as a disdain for, and an overwhelming drive to be separated from, those with less wealth. Patients with WIBA benefit from treatment and psychiatrists profit greatly from this because it creates more business for them, so it is a win-win situation.
One notable symptom of WIBA syndrome is that they tend to be very insecure about their social rank and become obsessed with finding new ways to feel more powerful and important than those with less wealth. They accomplish this by ensconcing themselves in designer labels. Another notable fact about the wealthy is that if a truly grotesque article of clothing is attached to a tag with a designer name on it, it suddenly becomes acceptable for an individual with WIBA to pay an exorbitant price for the item.
Bior Sess is arguably one of the most diabolical geniuses of all time because of his ability to exploit the wealthy by creating a demand for otherwise useless and superfluous, ridiculous looking, wasteful luxury items, and at the same time giving the wealthy a sense of purpose. One notable accomplishment of his was that he pioneered the practice of defining fashion trends that would go out of style at the end of every season. This was a very savvy maneuver on his part because it ensured that there would be a demand for his new line of products every season. It benefited the exorbitantly wealthy because it ensured that they would have to pay close attention to current fashion trends, a pastime they enjoyed because it distracted them from what terrible people they were and from the suffering of those less fortunate around them. Environmentalists and conservationists hated Bior Sess for this because it meant that more animals would be killed every season for the sake of creating new wardrobes and more waste would be created as the clothing from previous seasons are discarded.
Bior Sess also realized that there were a great deal of individuals who longed to live the extravagant lifestyle of the extremely wealthy, but could not. These individuals were the sort who would do anything they could to appear as though they possessed wealth, even though they didn't. Bior Sess found a way to appeal to this unique breed of individual by introducing a line of clothing that was completely covered in the Bior Sess monogram print, so that everyone would be immediately aware that it was unmistakably high-end fashion. Thanks to his innovation people who wanted to pose as the rich could now strut confidently down the street, their ridiculously expensive clothing silently broadcasting to everyone around them that they had money because they were covered in the initials BS. Bior Sess found this very rewarding because the fact that people would pay so much just to wear his initials appealed to his egocentric nature (which also accounted for the fact that his name was attached to the clothing line, the boutique, and everything associated with it). Admittedly, he also got a real kick out of seeing people pay so much money just to look ridiculous.
A well known psychologist who spent years studying the wealthiest percentage of people in the galaxy wrote an eye opening account of his findings entitled Life Forms With Excessive Wealth and Why They Can Kiss My Snerp. The book was a major hit among the majority of the galaxy's population, but was banned in most ivory towers and gated communities.
It is often said that money makes the world go 'round, a fact that is best known by citizens of the planet Ritchbich. Long ago on one fateful day a very opulent citizen of Ritchbich by the name of Pridonna looked in the mirror and was appalled to find wrinkles on her once flawless face. Instead of having her driver immediately take her down to her local plastic surgeon, as most spoiled rich women would have done, she decided to take more drastic action. She understood that gravity was responsible for the wrinkles that plagued her visage, and decided that the laws of physics on her planet were to blame. She immediately sued the planetary government for damages, claiming that they were somehow responsible for the law of gravity on Ritchbich.
She hired a team of the most expensive lawyers on the planet to ensure her victory in the courtroom. She hired the team for two reasons: firstly they the best lawyers, certain to comb through every last clause in the law books to find reason why she should be given some sort of compensation for what gravity had done to her. Secondly, they would march into the courtroom all together and intimidate the government representatives.
A week before the trial she met with the team to discuss their courtroom strategy. The lawyers, most of them being lackeys and yes men who catered to her every whim, were too terrified to tell her the truth, which was that despite hours of research they could find no legal reason why the government should be held responsible for her disfigurement, and that there was no way she could possibly win the lawsuit. After a half hour of stalling and placating their client the lawyers still hadn't worked up the courage to tell her how futile her lawsuit was.
Finally one young ambitious lawyer stood up and addressed her. "Ms Pridonna", he began in a clear, courageous voice, "I'm afraid this team of counselors has not been entirely honest with you regarding our legal strategy." It was his hope that by being honest with her he would make a favorable impression and earn her respect.
"What do you mean?" she demanded, appalled.
"We have thoroughly explored all facets of the law, but I'm afraid we can find no legal basis for how you might win the lawsuit."
"This is absurd!" she snapped "What am I paying you all for if you can't win a simple lawsuit against the planetary government?"
"I'm afraid we have done all we can, but we are not likely to win."
"I'm not worried," she replied smugly, "When they see me walk into that courtroom with all of you representing me they will be so impressed that they won't know what to do and they'll be forced to side with me."
"With all due respect, Ms. Pridonna, creating a spectacle is not likely to win you the sympathy of the court."
"How dare you?" she shouted "I will not tolerate your insolence any longer. You're fired. Now leave this room immediately or I will lodge a complaint and have you stripped of your title."
As angry as she was upon hearing the lawyer's words, she could not deny that what he spoke was the bitter truth. She decided that in order to win the lawsuit she would need to take more drastic measures, so she paid a surprise visit to the court judge two nights before the trial. At first the judge declined to meet with her, citing the moral code that forbade a judge from meeting a client alone before a trial, but Pridonna claimed she had a matter of utmost importance to discuss with him and that it could not wait, so he admitted her into his quarters. She was dressed quite elegantly in finely crafted crystal jewelry and a long crimson robe. As the chamber door was closed she threw off the robe in an attempt to seduce him, revealing her nude form, which was once beautiful and statuesque, but had long since become wrinkled and saggy in all the wrong places.
The judge was so alarmed and disgusted by the grotesque form that stood before him that he dropped his ceremonial staff and its crystal head shattered as it hit the floor. His hands flew up to cover his eyes and mouth as a small amount of vomit came up from his stomach despite his best efforts to suppress it. Reluctantly he swallowed it and then washed his mouth out with a swig of alcohol from a flask that he kept hidden within the folds of his ceremonial robe. He swallowed several more gulps of alcohol and shook his head violently as if to rid his mind of the vile image that was not branded into his ocular cortex. By this time Pridonna had already covered herself in embarrassment, having anticipated quite a different reaction than that which had actually occurred.
Having seen proof of the woman's hideous disfigurement caused by the harsh cruelty of gravity the judge was convinced that justice must be served. Of course he still required a generous bribe in order to make a ruling in her favor. She made what she believed was a fair offer, but the judge insisted that she raise it to cover the expense of the counseling he would need for post-traumatic stress disorder.
After a short trial the corrupt judge ruled that the government of Ritchbich had to relax the law of gravity on the planet. It was an endeavor that was so expensive that the planetary government went completely bankrupt in doing so.
The government officials decided to cut their losses by selling the planet to Pridonna, then pocketed the money and made a fast getaway before their citizens even knew what had happened. In the ensuing years Pridonna ruled over the planet with an iron fist, instituting biased laws that deprived its citizens of their basic rights and taxed them heavily so that she could have new palaces built for herself every month. Eventually the citizens of Ritchbich revolted and Pridonna's regime was overthrown with almost no resistance, since her approval rating was negative three percent, with a three percent margin of error.
Pridonna was put on trial for crimes against her entire planet's population, during which she tried unsuccessfully to bribe the judge. After careful deliberation it was decided that as punishment she would be drawn and quartered via continental drift. It was the most severe sentence available, in which the years of anticipation of being pulled apart are almost as agonizing as the event itself. To ensure that she would live to endure the eventual pain of being slowly ripped to pieces by plate tectonics she was put on the most sophisticated life support system available, essentially making her immortal, at least until she was finally torn apart.