Running Blind
Just A Starving Writer

Disclaimer: nope, not mine.
Author's Rant: Still, WOW. All I can say is domo danku (if you know what movie that is from, I'll love you forever and the odds are in your favor). I'm glad you like my little tale.
One thing: a few have questioned my declaration that I suffer from depression after reading my stories. Let me assure you that my therapist would only back me up on this. And if you still don't believe me, come over and see the wonderful cuts on my arm. Lack of computer access wasn't the only reason this chapter took so damned long.
And now, screw all that shit and on to the story. I can only hope I don't screw this up. It'd be terrible to lose such wonderful support.
Enjoy if you can.

Part 6: January, February

January

When she woke, it was snowing. Strange that. It hadn't been that cold when she'd fallen asleep. But then, it didn't change much. It would only make her runs all the more interesting.

"Kaede?"

She knew that voice. Shippou?

"When will she wake up?"

"I cannot tell ye that. I can only say Kagome will wake when she is ready."

"But…but it's been two days!"

"Do not worry child. This is quite unusual but there is no indication that she is anything but exhausted. When her body and spirit have recovered, she will join us again."

Two days? Had it really been that long? Trying to turn her head away from the open door, she found it difficult to move. How had this happened? She had only been running. True, she had been tired, but two complete days?

"Would you say she looks different, Kaede-sama?" the monk asked. Dimly she realized they must be speaking outside, to give her peace. She smiled weakly. It only made finding out the situation without contributing information that much easier.

"Aye, she does. She almost glows with life and energy. It is curious indeed, though it worries me greatly. Her power always was without control and she has no way to consciously release any she may build during the day. Ye have told me she had a need to run? Perhaps it was the only way for her to release the extra energy from a body that couldn't hold it."

"That would explain one weird thing."

"What, Inuyasha?"

"When I was chasing her, right before she fell and passed out…she was fast. Faster than any human I've ever known, and damn faster than she used to be. Almost as fast as me. I actually had to try to catch up to her."

"Wow…"

"What do you think did this?"

"I cannot tell ye that either. It is most unusual. Did ye speak with Lord Sesshoumaru, Inuyasha?"

"Yeah. Bastard didn't say much, but I don't think he knows much either. Something is going on between them but I don't think he's responsible for this. If he was, he would have said something. He's a bastard but…this isn't his style."

"What do you think happened then? I mean, we were only away from her for a little while. How could anything have happened in such a short amount of time?"

"I don't know, okay! Like I said, something is going on between them, but hell if I know what it is."

"What exactly did he say?"

"Well, when I finally found him, I said he must have had some effect on her. Bastard smirked."

"Then he must have done something."

"Yeah, but when I said she'd been unconscious since he'd seen her, smirk faded damn fast. He didn't know. He did something, yeah, but I don't think he had anything to do with this."

"Still, it's awful suspicious."

"Perhaps ye are correct, Sango, but Inuyasha is also right in this matter. I doubt Lord Sesshoumaru had any intentions for this to happen, but he may have contributed nonetheless. Whatever has happened to Kagome is connected to him. What all did she tell ye about her meetings with your half-brother?"

"Just that it started off as an accident and then she was pretty sure he waited for her, told her when to turn back after her run each night."

"Peculiar."

"Feh, stupid and dangerous is what it is. I told the idiot she needed to talk to Myoga. Too bad we didn't see him first."

"What do you mean dangerous?"

"I can't really explain it which is why I told her to talk to Myoga. But if he was there when she was supposed to go back, that means he was assuming responsibility for her. If she decided to ignore him and keep going…"

"He'd play catch?"

"Shippou!"

"No, the brat's right. He's a dog demon, what do you think he would do? If he really was there by choice, to watch her, he'd make sure to do it completely."

"What do you mean?"

"Hell if I know. All I know is that it's stupid to make someone that powerful follow their instincts just for the hell of it. If you don't want a vicious dog chasing you, you sure as hell don't want Sesshoumaru chasing you. I was hoping Myoga would explain it more."

"Do you think he might have done something to her without realizing it? While chasing her?"

"I don't know!"

She'd heard enough. It was useless for their conversation to continue. There was point in listening to them talking in circles. Basically, they were confused, worried about her, and weren't sure who to blame. Well, she'd solve that for them: no one was.

She sensed the questions they had and knew the moment they knew she was awake, she'd be subject to an intense interrogation. There was some information she was hesitant to provide them, specifically the events of her last meeting with the lord. Before she explained anything, she wanted to see the instigator himself and find out his thoughts on the topic.

Still, how to escape without drawing the attention of the hanyou? It was a dilemma to be sure, but with a rush of exhilaration she realized that Fate must once again be working in her favor: if her calculations were correct concerning how long she had been asleep, the moon should be black tonight and her persistent watcher would be near blind with his humanity. If she could wait til night fell, she should be able to get away without detection.

Three hours later, she tested that theory. She could only be grateful that her companions had left her relatively in peace while she lay in wait and for their absence while she made her escape. She did not question their location. It was enough that they were far enough away to allow her the privilege of one more night of unmolested freedom.

Silently she crept out of the village in the shadows of the huts until she finally reached the forest, taking the time to stretch her stiff and unused muscles before taking off at a slow jog. Much else wasn't currently possible, not after two continuous days of bed rest, but she was confident that she would be back in top form in no time.

As it was, the distance that she covered was nothing compared to what she had been capable of, but there was nothing she could do to change that. So instead of complaining, she stopped at the edge of the river, in the darkness of the night, brushing the fresh snow from a boulder before taking her seat. The evening, for all its low clouds, cold, faintly drifting snow, and silence, was decidedly beautiful.

She felt rather than saw his presence. There was no need to verify it with her other senses when she already knew without question he was there. However, she was surprised, enough even to jump slightly, when he sat behind her, the warmth of his back radiating into hers as his hair pooled on the rock in a mass quite near her hand. Tentatively she stretched her fingers through the locks, silently enjoying the silky texture without taking the unnecessary step of disturbing the strands unduly.

"They say I've changed," she said softly, the overhanging clouds and cushion of snow dampening her words to near whisper volume.

"So you have," he answered after a long period of silence.

"Yes, I have. But they make it seem like such a…strange thing. Such an unwelcome thing."

"They are protective of you."

"They are cowards," she said swiftly. Smiling, she imagined she could sense his agreement. "They see change in me and are frightened. But how could they think this is bad?"

"You are consorting with the enemy."

"You haven't been the enemy for over a year."

"Perhaps."

The deep quiet of the night filled in the void as they thought to themselves.

"They want to know what's happening…" she finally commented. "I don't know what to tell them."

He remained silent and her confusion broke into anger.

"How can I say anything when I don't understand either? I can't read your mind, you know. Was there a reason you decided to start watching me? Was there a reason you started chasing me? Was there a reason you kissed me? Did you even know what you were doing?"

Before she was able to continue her rant, a warm hand wrapped around her wrist and she was brutally pulled across the boulder and into the lap of her tormentor. As she prepared for a tirade concerning his apparent lack of manners, he cut off all her thoughts quite effectively by providing her the warmth of his lips. She met his passion thoughtlessly, only hoping to further enjoy the sensation when suddenly she was impacting with the snow strewn ground, coldness seeping into her body once more.

"No!" she screamed in righteous frustration. It was too much confusion, too much unknown. Her mind cried that he was using her while her heart demanded otherwise. She longed for the simpler days when they had merely played the game, back when it didn't matter what his motives were. Now civil war raged within herself as part of her demanded explanation and the other deemed it unnecessary.

"Tell me what the hell that was!" she demanded as the more logical side of her brain took over temporarily, blurring all the colors and reducing the overall beauty surrounding her into a white and gray mush as she felt the need to understand, if only a little.

"If you do not understand, this Sesshoumaru will not lower himself to explaining his actions."

And without further speech, the taiyoukai departed, leaving the miko near tears as her confusion took hold. An hour later, her companions, led by the fox child and neko youkai, found her, huddled where she had fallen in the snow, the still drifting flakes gathering in her hair in natural imitation of lace. To her credit, tears had never been shed. Instead, she merely sat in abject misery, trying to conciliate the two warring factions of her self.

Unfortunately, a fragile peace was only made several hours later that only allowed her to fall into a troubled sleep as her worried companions looked on.

February

She gave neither answers nor information when questioned regarding her relationship with the former enemy. While it could have appeared she was denying, it was more that she was just as clueless as them, if not moreso.

However, her lack of response was due to more than simply her inability to explain. The beauty of life that had been so wonderfully revealed during their encounters was once again hidden from her sight by the veil of self pity and despondence, only this time the cause was formerly her savior.

Whether the world was duller because of her despair or she despaired over the overcoming dullness, she would never distinguish. All that was certain was that the bright colors that had once been so awe inspiring were now either too bright or blurred into nothingness. The air she had once found life giving was now merely necessity. Though her body toiled onward, she saw herself as surviving more for the sake of surviving than living by any means. Living required effort, after all, and not everyone could do it satisfactorily.

There were times when the pain almost overcame her last defenses. Times when she saw on the periphery of her vision some fragment of the Life she used to love so much. However, whenever she turned with high hopes to meet it, the world had once again dulled and blurred, fading into a bleak nothingness that only made her fall further away from her ideal.

She continued her duties to the best of her abilities, of course, at least those she could do mindlessly. She continued to trudge along cold roads in the Feudal Era looking for pieces of a cursed jewel even as her heart was consistently breaking. But the joy that had once accompanied her on these treks was gone.

During the nights, which had grown colder without unpainful memories of his heat, she tried to run, tried to find that peace she had once been connected with. Unfortunately, it was not to be and all she achieved from the shortened jogs was snow in her shoes and scratches on her arms when tree branches failed to cooperate.

She wanted to cry, let the world see her despair, sob her pain to the comforting dark, but the tears wouldn't fall. As much as she needed to release her frustration, the tears wouldn't fall. And she was almost positive this inability to weep was swiftly killing her. The pressure would build up, the need would grow, until she would explode mentally, a distraction that could prove fatal, but not nearly as deadly if it was allowed to fester inside.

She could only wait in pain for that time to come. Until then, her soul would feed off itself as it struggled to remain alive despite her warring heart and mind. It was quite possible, she knew, to simply fade from this world as the despair expanded. It was only a matter of time.

The demon took them by surprise, coming upon them from the side while they had been walking quietly. Without hesitation, it took out its closest target, flinging the slayer across the road and into a tree. The snap as she hit as well as her slack body indicated she was down for the count. The monk quickly took up position as guard by her fallen form.

The hanyou had already begun his attacks but he was tired, having just recovered from another attack two days previously, and not in top form. As well, the youkai seemed impervious to his sword, batting it off like a pest as it kept its eyes on the miko.

She was stunned, too overcome by despair and the new fright to move. While she had the best position and possibly the best weapon to conquer this foe, she was unable to act, instead standing with wide eyes as she awaited her end. Shutting her eyes softly, she let her shoulders droop in defeat.

Wind whipped across her body, throwing her hair haphazardly as a soft wetness splattered across her face. A moment of silence followed before she finally risked opening her eyes, only to come to an unexpected conclusion.

She was not injured. In fact, she had not been touched. Instead, it was the demon's blood that had sprayed her, the demon's dead body hitting the ground in front of her that had created the wind. Ahead of her the hanyou panted softly as he sheathed his mighty sword. The look of utter disappointment he held in his eyes struck her straight to the core more than any physical blow ever could. As she beheld his extreme displeasure regarding her actions, she suddenly realized what she had done.

She had forgotten. How had it been so easy to forget?

With a sharp intake of air, surely sucking in snowflakes to their certain doom, she dropped the bow from her slack hand and ran, shedding her backpack as she preogressed.

The farther she ran, the faster the snow fell. Dimly she knew that they were not following her, which was for the best. It would do no good to have any witnesses for this last act of desperate resolution. It would benefit no one for there to be a spectator to her painful rebirth.

The wind whipped her mercilessly as she picked up her step, speeding through the woods with all the energy that had abandoned her during the two weeks of nothingness. The chilling air, the relentless wind, the thickening snow, the stark simplicity of the surrounding colors, all fed her as she struggled onward to reach a destination she knew not of, spurred only by the need to find a place of sanctuary.

Though it was late in the season, the year had been unusually cold and here in the Northern provinces the snow still fell with a vengeance, gathering in the low areas into hidden pools. It was into one of these depressions that Kagome finally fell as she sped over the frozen land. Her legs sank into the snow up to her knees and she was forcefully brought to a stop, falling into the white blanket as her momentum continued her trek regardless of the change of direction. Luckily the untouched snow was still rather light and absorbed the brunt of her fall without injuring her unduly.

For a moment, she could only lay there frantically gulping the biting air as the snow snuck under the hem of her skirt and into her jacket at every opportune location. Then, with one deep breath, she sobbed and finally the tears that she had so long been denied returned with a fury. She wept for the world around her, for her inability to appreciate Life, for her silly love for a being that was deserving but ungracious. She wept for the strange circumstances she found herself in and the continued threat on her life. She cried for her duties and her inability to deny them. But mostly she wept for herself and the confusion that had so thoughtlessly sundered her from her beautiful world.

Slowly her sorrow transformed into anger as she began to place blame on the demon she had so foolishly accepted into her heart. It was his fault, she decided. He was the one who chose to watch her and he was most definitely the one who had initiated the more physical relationship.

"YOU BASTARD!" she cried into the silent woods. "Is it so WRONG to NOT UNDERSTAND?! Is it such a CRIME?"

And suddenly she was stricken by a feeling that yes, it was such a crime. Lack of comprehension was a crime if she allowed it to overcome her own sensibilities. When she began to let her confusion take hold, she had wronged herself and him with the ensuing despair. Her tears renewed in frustrated, sorrowful joy. With tear stained eyes, she looked back to the world and once again it had taken on the bright colors of before, once again it shown with natural beauty that she had previously not allowed herself to see.

"I'm such a fool," she whispered reverently as she struggled to regain her feet. Standing knee deep in the snow, she turned her head to face the clouds through the naked trees. Closing her eyes, she let her other senses enjoy the feel of the snowflakes hitting her cheeks as a grin played across her countenance.

Would it be so hard, she argued quietly, to remain true to her self while patiently loving the taiyoukai? After the hanyou, she knew better than to assume that a relationship or feelings existed until there was an open declaration, something she was sure would not happen for quite some time with the lord. Could she wait that long? Or would her sight once again suffer as his lack of acceptance of her love stole the beauty from her world? Or could there in fact exist a way to have both him and Life?

She smiled wryly as she turned her face down again. Did it really matter? It was simply the way it would have to be. The taiyoukai would not disclose his emotions concerning her in the immediate future and so she would simply have to learn to deal with it. There was no other way. Not to mention, as long as she yet lived, as long as he yet lived, was there any reason to let her world fade? She could love him quietly from afar if she had to.

She sighed and slowly opened her eyes, happy that it had stayed bright during her blindness. It was best not to dwell on what she couldn't control. Anyways, she had time to wait for him to recognize the truth of her emotions. In the meantime, she could only live to the best of her ability.

With a refreshed smile, she took the first few steps back toward her friends when suddenly that world she loved so spun viciously and she became reacquainted with the ground. All the sad and happy energy that had been sustaining her had vanished leaving her only a tired mass of grinning miko. She crawled a few more meters before exhaustion once again took hold. The run, in combination with the great emotional release, had done great disservice to her stamina and immediate rest was demanded. Curling into a ball the best she could, she closed her eyes with a soft smile.

She only woke once when warmth surrounded her and, opening sluggish eyes, she met the veiled golden gaze of the one she loved. In her sleep addled mind she realized he was somehow lifting her into his only arm. As he began to walk with his new burden, she huddled closer to his warmth and mumbled her apologies.

"Please forgive me, Sesshoumaru-sama," she began as sleep began reclaiming her mind. "I forgot. I'm sorry." Sinking into his comforting presence, she allowed sleep to overtake her once more.