I can't stand to be in that house anymore. I have to get out of here. I grab my purse on the entryway table and rush out of the chilly house as soon as possible. Dad's look affirms that there's no family anymore. I'm not sure there ever was, but now it's for sure.

Driving towards school, I call Hannah.

"Hey," Hannah greets. Her cheery, bubbly voice rises above the crowd I can hear in the background.

"Hey, it's Mary."

"Hey, wait one sec okay? I need to get out of the bleachers." I wait for a minute. "Okay I am out of the constant shouting. Mare, what do you need?"

"Are you still going to that party tonight?"

"Yeah of course, are you?"

"Yeah, dinner ended early. I'm driving to school right now."

"Oh, well there's about half of the game left. Joe's playing pretty good."

Does it really matter to me? Not really. The only difference it makes is what kind of drunk he will be tonight at the party. Will he be a happy drunk or the depressive, abusive drunk that has been occurring lately? "Good for him."

"Mary are you still thinking about ending it with him?"

"I don't know Hannah. Maybe," I respond quickly.

"Okay. I understand. Well, are you going to come to the game?"

As soon as she said this, I pull up into the crowded parking lot of school. "I'm here right now."

"Awesome I'll meet you out in front of the gym."

"K, bye."

"Bye."

I get out of my car and walk up to the gym. There's Hannah with a smile on her face. She always makes me feel better for some reason. Maybe it's because she has that quality that un-arms you and you can just be yourself around her. I don't have to keep up the walls that I'm so use to having. Besides Alex, I think Hannah might be the one person that understands me.

"Mary! Over here!" she waves.

As friends and as we always do, I give her a hug. "How are you?" I ask.

"I'm good. Mary, how are you?"

I let out a sigh, "I don't know." I rub my eyes, realizing that remnants from earlier this evening are probably still very present.

"If it helps matters, you look great," Hannah comments. I'm wearing jeans and a green sparkle tank top with a sweater. I don't know if that classifies as looking great, but I'll take what I can get.

"Thanks. You look great too."

She smiles, but she is still concerned, "What's up?" "Just family stuff. Don't worry about it, I'll be fine," I brush everything off.

"Really?" she rubs my shoulder.

"Yeah," I reassure. "Okay, let's go watch the game."

I nod and walk into the gym with Hannah. The student body is dressed in blue and white, Chilton colors, and are cheering on our basketball team. We go up into the bleachers and sit on the creaky, wooden slabs that must have been here since only god knows when.

Scanning over the crowd I see all the familiar faces. Then I scan the basketball floor and see Joe, number 23. His body is glistening with sweat as he runs up and down the court. Basketball ranks first in his life. It comes before partying, his family, and me. Every other word out of his mouth, besides trying to get me to make out with him, is about basketball. I don't really understand any of it except for a few terms. Sometimes just to shut him up I make out with him.

I think his coach just pulled him out. For a moment, he watches the game while his coach talks to him. His eyes wander up into the stands and they set upon me. I give a little wave and a smile to acknowledge him. He smiles too, then returns his attention to his game. Joe Wexler's girl is in the stands and everything is okay and appearances are being kept up. I think he thinks that I made a special effort to be here. He knows how my parents are about being a family when Dad is around. The thought that maybe something went incredibly wrong probably isn't even crossing his mind. Like everyone else in Hartford, he only sees the surface of my family.

Alex. There he is sitting three rows in front of me and to the left one section. I don't see his face, but I can tell it's him. The back of his head, his neck, and his presence are just dead give aways. This is going to sound stalkerish, but I can tell when it's him even from far away. He's surrounded by all of his friends. They make up the senior crowd. Like I said earlier, he's basically the "king" of the school. Student body president, popular, ladies man and this may seem ironic, but Alex is a nice guy, so I suppose you can say he is set above all the rest. Right now, he's watching the game being a good Chiltonite. What can you expect, right? He's perfect. Okay, now I sound like a romantic. Shut up, Mary.

With him here, I'm not really focusing on the game. I can never concentrate when I am around him, unless I am concentrating on him. I make no sense. Guess that's what it is to be a teenager.

Hannah and I make idle chitchat while the game is going on. We both aren't really interested in basketball. It's definitely just a social appearance that we have to keep up.

Hannah Tegan is by anyone standards beautiful. She has long, strawberry hair that goes down past her shoulders. She's tiny, but has a larger than life personality. When I came to Chilton last year, she took me under her wing. Essentially she is what every girl wants to be and what every guy wants to have. I love her to death. She is the one person that keeps me sane and balanced. She makes me feel like I fit in. I've never really been one of the in-crowd. I mean I am a part of it, but I don't fit in. Hannah makes me feel like I fit in. I get all my advice from her and she basically guides me through life.

Lately she has been covering up for me a lot. When Mom asks where I have been, I always tell with Hannah. Three out of five times I am actually with Alex, the other two times I am with Hannah or Joe. Today she finally found out about why I have been so secretive lately. She acts the same though. I don't think she really expected anything more or less out of me. I'm just her best friend.

"Mary we won!" Hannah must have noticed that I have been in my own mind for the past few minutes.

"Wow."

"Yeah, Joe scored the winning basket."

"Really?" I ask surprised. I totally missed that.

"Yeah Mare. I think you were to busy starring at Alex to notice that your boyfriend was actually winning the regional for Chilton," Hannah jokes. I know she doesn't mean it as mean and if I were her I would probably be doing the same thing.

Playfully, I hit her on the arm. "Hannah!"

She laughs, "Let's go say hi to the team and then we can go to my house, change, then head over to Reagan's."

"Good plan."

We walk down the bleachers and go congratulate the team on winning. I think the entire student body is on the gym floor. There are even reporters. They're talking to Joe.

After they're finished, Joe notices me. "Mary, you made it."

"Yeah."

He takes my hand into his and comes closer to me. "Are you going to Reagan's tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Good. We need to talk."

"I agree."

Softly, he kisses my forehead. "I love you."

I nod. After the incident early with Alex my senses are on high alert whenever I hear the words "I love you." I don't think those three words should be thrown around. I definitely feel that with Joe I've been throwing those words around and I can't do it anymore. I'm not sure of how I feel. To be honest, I don't even think that Joe loves me. I think he has tricked himself into loving me. Wow, that sounded really bad, but I think that he has. He hardly knows me. It's more like that he is in love with the idea of me.

"I'll see you at the party."

"Okay, bye."

"Bye." He lets go of my hand and his teammates congratulate him.

Hannah comes up behind me, "Mare, as much I love the opposite sex I can't stand them when they are sweaty and gross. I feel like I need to take a shower just to get their stench off of me."

I laugh. "Let's get out of here."

"Good idea."

We go to Hannah's house. I need some girl time. Just me and her and no boys and no school. It feels like we are so busy that we hardly have any time for each other anymore. Everything is just so complicated. She took a shower, while I watched TV in her room. Then we talked about things. She definitely makes me feel like my problems aren't the only ones in the world. I definitely need to be grounded to Earth and I am so grateful to have Hannah.

I changed into some of Hannah's clothes for the party. I'm in a red spaghetti strap, silky shirt that goes down pass my hips and goes over my jeans, with a black cardigan to go over it. Hannah always has had an awesome wardrobe and lucky we are similar sizes so I take full advantage of it.

Two hours later we head over to the party in Hannah's car. Pretty much everyone at school is going to be there, which means Alex too. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end things tonight with Joe. I might not be with Alex at the end of all of this, but I need to end things with Joe because it's just an added stress that I don't need right now. How I've figured this all out in less than twenty-four hours, I will never know. Maybe it's accumulated over the past seven months, but I know that I'm not happy in this relationship and therefore I need to end it. Isn't it just hurting him if I'm his girlfriend and I don't have feelings for him? I'm holding him back.

We park down the street from Reagan's house. Walking up to another mansion in Hartford, there are countless cars belonging to the Chilton student body. Especially with the victory tonight, everyone will be out.

I've never really been much of a party person. I would go with Joe. He use to make me. Lately, like as in the past four months, I would go just to see if Alex was there and maybe if I could slip away from Joe in his drunken stupor.

Hannah and I reach the entrance to the party and Reagan is there to greet us. I can't believe she isn't completely shit-faced yet. Reagan has quite the reputation of being a party animal and when her parents are out of town (at least one weekend a month) there is always a party. And her parties are not exactly something any of our parents, and frankly any of us I think approve of. Although in typical teenager fashion, we participate in them. I suppose it's the rebellion in us.

"Hey girls! Welcome to Chilton has the best fucking basketball team in the world party!" Reagan announced. Hannah and I just laughed. There isn't really much you can say to that.

"Come on in, grab yourselves something to drink, and party hardy!" she continued.

"Okay Reagan," Hannah said. "Take it easy tonight okay?"

"Oh I will. I've only had four shots so far."

"Keep it light," Hannah repeated.

Reagan just nodded and stumbled across her living room floor towards the kitchen, where the keg and other assorted alcohol probably is. Being in the house for little more than five minutes, I can smell the smoke and alcohol stench that comes with high school parties.

Hannah goes off, most likely to find Mike, her, well I don't really know how to describe it, "boyfriend" I guess. I don't know. I wander around a little bit, talking to a few people that I know from school. There even is a a social hierarchy that comes with attending Chilton parties. Most people would say that the most important people are invited and attend. But who are we to classify as important? Maybe our parents make more money than other people or we just have a name, but what does your partying habits have to do with your future? Is it important? No. I hardly think that if I were here right now it would affect my later life decisions. The only thing it could do is deter me from going to future parties. Ah, the irony.

In the process of talking to...Julie...I think, I can smell alcohol right by my ear. Julie smiles at me. Deducing, it must Joe. Then I feel arms around me. They are the same ones from earlier in the day, but now they are holding two cups of what I have no idea is in them.

"Do you think you can give Mary and I little bit of time here?" Joe asks Julie.

Still smiling, Julie replies, "Oh yeah, I was just going to get a drink."

"Drink this." He comes in front of me and places the red cup in my hand. Normally I'm not a drinker. I've done it a few times, but it never really has been one of my favorite things. Tonight though, I'm not really thinking about it. I just take a long sip of the unknown liquid. It burns as it goes down.

"Whoa Mary, take it easy. That's pretty strong."

I cough a little. "It's okay."

Unannounced he kisses me, long and hard. He presses into me. I can taste the alcohol on him as his tongue goes does my throat. I don't really fight him. He gets what he wants I guess. After he finishes, I take a long breath and notice, out of the corner of my eye, someone looking at me. It's Alex. I notice it in his eyes. Even from all across the room I know he is angry again and disappointed. He hates seeing me with him.

Joe wants to start again, but I stop him. "We need to talk."

"Okay, talk."

"I don't really want to do this right here."

"Mary, everyone here is going to find out sooner or later that you are going to break up with me, so you might as well take one step out of the process."

What? I am so confused. "What are you talking about?"

"I know you are going to break up with me."

"How do you know that?" "Let's just say that your friends thought it would be polite enough to inform me of your decision." He's smirking, like he's won, but he's mad. I've never seen him like this.

"Joe..." I start.

"Do it already!" he yells at me. No more yelling.

I plead with him, "Please don't yell, Joe."

"Did you think I was going to take this lightly Mary?" I don't say anything and he continues, "Did you think I was going to take this sitting down? Let me tell you, no one breaks up with Joe Wexler. I am Joe-fucking -Wexler."

"Can we do this somewhere else?"

He laughs, "Always hiding aren't you, Mare?

"What does that mean?"

"Everyone thinks you are this perfect girl. You have the picture perfect parents, a perfect boyfriend, a perfect best friend, perfect grades, essentially a perfect fucking life. It's just a mask though. You know it too. You are the unhappiest person I have ever met. Nothing is good enough for you! I'm not even good enough for you. For awhile, I actually thought I loved you. You are this lost, scared, little girl that has no idea what she wants. You want everything to be fucking perfect, but life isn't like that." He takes a long sip of his drink, "Sorry to disappoint."

I'm holding back the tears. I can't cry in front of him, in front of them. I won't cry in front of all of them. "We're over."

"It was over a long time ago."

I walk away from him. Everyone's eyes are on me. In a span of five minutes I have been humiliated in front of them. I told myself a long time ago that they would never see me cry. They will never see me at my weakest. I have to get out of this room with everyone staring. I feel like they are burning holes through me. I just can't take it anymore.

I go through the back door and end up on the terrace. There are people outside, smoking. I can't stand to be around anyone. There are gardens that I find myself wandering through. I'm not sure of what to make of what just happened. Now Joe and I are broken up, officially and everyone knows. And somehow he found out that I wanted to, too. It has to do with Hannah. She's the only one I told everything too. I can't really blame her. I haven't exactly been a best friend either. She just told him that I wanted to break up with him. He probably asked her. But then why has he been telling me he loves me every five minutes? It makes no sense. He was just playing mind games with me.

The best thing that probably came out of this breakup is that he doesn't know about Alex. What a breaking point that would have been...don't even want to think about it, Mary.

Where did he go anyway? I'm sure after that little display of affection, Alex isn't going to be very happy with me. I'm never going to admit this, but I need him. I need him more than anyone else. He's always been there, lurking in the shadows, waiting to pick me up. Never really far away from me. Always close by, always willing to be the person to make me smile.

In the beginning of our relationship, we made the deal that there could be no emotions. Nothing. Somehow, along the way, we became friends. Don't ask me why or how, we just did. It happened. It started with a simple, "Hi, how are you?" then it expanded to "How was your day?" It could be classified as small talk before the sex happened, but it's more. It's more than the protocol. I feel like I could tell him anything and he won't judge me. Okay, I never really have completely opened up to Alex, but I know that I could if I wanted to.

The first time we kissed there was that passion. Something I had never experienced before. We never really did anything for awhile after we decided to have this relationship. We didn't kiss for another week.

It was a Saturday afternoon, my parents were fighting again and I didn't really want to go hang out with Joe or Hannah. Simply, I called Alex. He wasn't doing anything so I invited myself over.

I knocked on his front door and he answered. He was out of his Chilton uniform and he looked comfortable in just jeans and a plain white t-shirt. There was just this casual look about him.

"Hey," he greeted.

"Hey," I said softly. Even though I had invited myself over, I was still uncomfortable about everything.

"Come in," he waved me into his house.

I shoved my hands in the pockets of the jean miniskirt I was wearing. As I walked in front of him I could feel his eyes evaluating me. Not necessarily checking me out, but definitely bearing into me. Sometimes you feel almost violated when someone looks at you in a suggestive way, but Alex didn't make me violated. His eyes have this weird ability of making me feel beautiful without him even saying anything. I wasn't even looking at him, but I blushed.

"Do you want to watch a movie or something?" he offered.

I turned around and faced him. "Sure. What do you have?"

"Pretty much everything. What are you in the mood for drama, action, comedy?"

From what had happened earlier in the day I said comedy. He had Billy Madison, Caddyshack, Meet the Parents. I decided on Caddyshack. I needed something light and for some reason it reminded me of the country club in Hartford and the uptight hypocrites that frequent it. Alex led me to a room off the kitchen, towards the swimming pool in the back, that had a big screen TV. There were comfortable couches that lined the walls. It was a family room, but it didn't seemed to be used that often. We sat down on the couches, while the movie began. I wasn't really concentrating, but I laughed at all the convenient parts with Alex.

At one point of the movie, I don't remember which part, it's kind of blurred now, Alex paused it. "Mary, when are you going to stop being polite around me and just give in?"

I looked at him. Impulsively, I kissed him. At first I just pressed my lips to his. He wasn't satisfied enough so he placed his hand at my neck and pulled me into him further. Slowly he slipped his tongue into my mouth and pressed into me. I gave way underneath him and laid down with him on top of me. He sucked on my lower lip and moved his hands down my body, caressing my bare legs. I groaned at his movements and couldn't believe exactly what I was experiencing.

We didn't go farther than that for little less than a month. Hours and hours of make out sessions with Alex Ryderstan. It was kind of like a month of foreplay if you will. Up until that point I was relatively inexperienced. With Joe, we never got past the point of making out and in the beginning he would try to get me to do things, but he figured out that I wasn't really into that kind of thing. Joe found his pleasure elsewhere. That's when most of the rumors started. Before it was just like "Oh they are so cute together" and later it became "Did you see Joe with that girl at that party of Friday? Mary just watched him go upstairs into a bedroom with her. She didn't do anything!" It became ridiculous.

No one really suspected that I didn't care. Of course I became known as a pushover, but it didn't matter. Do I really care what the people at Chilton think? No.

Ring. Ring. My cell phone.

"Hello?"

I hear heavy breathing and sobs, "Mary?"

"Mom? What's wrong?"

"You need to come home. Something happened to Grandma."

"Which Grandma?"

"My grandmother Emily."

"What happened?"

"She's dead," she says barely audible. I know she's crying hysterically. Grandma Emily has been a big presence in her life since she was 15 and my mother does not take people dying easily. She doesn't take anything easily.

"Mom, I'll be there soon."

"Please. Your father isn't speaking to me and he doesn't know. I'm a mess and I can't tell him," she cries more.

"I'll be there soon," I repeat.

"Bye, I love you."

For the first time I can remember I say, "I love you Mom." I hang up the phone. I start crying. It's not because Great-Grandma died. I mean that is part of it, but I said "I love you" to my mom for the first time in a long time. It's sad that I can't remembering saying that three word phrase to her.

I have to get home. Quickly, I wipe the tears away from my face as I walk out of the gardens. I need to get back into the party, find Hannah and tell her she has to give me a ride me. She's not going to want to.

Entering the house, I notice more people have arrived and there is hardly any moving space. Practically everyone is drunk off their asses. Can you expect more? Not really.

Looking through the mass of people I see Hannah at the dining room table with her shirt off. She's clad in only a black bra. Mike is sitting next to her with his hand on her thigh. I walk over to where they are sitting.

"Hannah?"

"Mary! Everyone this is my best friend. She may be a little screwed up, but aren't we all. I love her to death, isn't she awesome?" Hannah slurs. She throws her arm around my waist in a clumsy, drunken fashion. Well her driving is out of the question.

"Hey, Hannah."

"Do you wanna play? We're playing strip poker." Placing a hand over her mouth she giggles, "I'm losing." Everyone at the table has all of their clothes on. Hannah is the only without any clothes on. They must be cheating.

"Not exactly." Bending down I ask her, "I have to go home. Something came up."

In a loud voice she states, "Why do you want to leave? This party is great."

"I have to go home," I repeat, making sure she understands every syllable falling out of my mouth.

"Mary you are too serious all the time. I think you need a shot," she suggests, completely off topic.

I shake my head, "No. I don't need a shot."

"Yes you do. You have to have at least three otherwise I am not giving you my car keys. I don't trust myself to drive and you have no other way of getting home, so you have to take three shots and then I'll give you my car keys."

This makes no sense. She wants to give me her car keys if I take three shots of some alcoholic substance. She's entrusting me to drive her car while I am slightly inebriated also. Sometimes drunk people are funny, but other times they just plain scare you.

"Sweetie I don't think so. I'll just walk home." I walk out of the dining room, then the house. I know I shouldn't leave her there, but what am I suppose to do? I'll come back after I calm my mom down and tell Dad to take care of her. They may not be speaking to each other right now, but I know that he will do pretty much anything for her.

I walk down the cold streets of Hartford. I'm only about ten minutes away walking. Now I regret not taking my coat. It's February and I am freezing.

Through the front door of the house, it's quiet. A typical night in the Dugrey household isn't exactly bustling with joy, but there is an odd feeling in the house. I need to find Mom. The maid will know. I go to the kitchen expecting to find Tina, but it's not her sitting at the kitchen counter. It's Dad. There's a big bottle of vodka next to him. I can see that he's already downed half of it.

"Dad, where's Mom?" I ask.

He takes a long breath, "Upstairs in our bedroom. Crying." He's decisive and acting like he doesn't care. I can see though in his dark blue eyes that he does. It's killing him that she's crying about him. They've been through this so many times before.

"Did anyone call tonight?"

"Someone did. Your mom answered it."

I sit down next to him at the counter. He takes a sip of the clear liquid. Instinctively, I move the long glass bottle away from him.

Immediately he says, "Hey I was drinking that."

I ignore him, "Dad I need to talk to you." He doesn't say anything, so I assume he's listening. "I was at a party tonight and Mom called me. She was crying. Dad, Grandma Emily died."

"What?"

"She died. I don't know what happened, but Mom called me and said that Great-Grandma died. She didn't know what to do since you weren't talking to her."

He runs his hand over his face. He's tired of everything. Sometimes I can't help but think that I am like him, maybe a little too much. I think that's why I despise him so much. "What have I done? She won't even tell me when her own grandmother has died. Have I alienated her that much?" he asks himself. He's on the verge of the tears. Everything has been too much and has gone on for too long. For Christ's sake my own mother cannot tell her own husband that her grandmother has died. There is something so wrong in that.

"Dad, you need to talk to her."

"I know. I know," he repeats not looking at me. Suddenly he lifts his eyes and faces me,

"Mary, am I bad father?"

"Don't ask me that," I rise out of my chair.

"Am I bad father?" he repeats louder.

Shaking my head I respond, "I can't answer that question."

"Mary please tell me. It's all I ask."

"All you ask? Don't tell me that's the only thing you ask of me." I begin walking away from him.

"Don't walk away from me! I am your father!"

"I am not having this conversation with you," I say defiantly. When it comes to my parents, I'm not exactly what you would call obedient. They never really established a discipline in me. I hate to say this, but it was one of the many things that they never did in my childhood.

Comforting me in times of need was also something my parents were never good at, but when it comes to them I always could put on a good show. That's what I did. I went and comforted Mom in her time of need.