Groaning I say, "I'm not getting up."
"You must, Miss Dugrey."
"Stop calling me that! The name's Mary and I am not a Dugrey!" I turn my face away from her and bury my face into the pillow.
There's no way I could go to school today. No possible way. I can't face them, let alone him. No. I couldn't.
After yesterday afternoon, I went home, forcing all my tears to the back of my eyes. I refused to listen to Mom and Dad scold me, so I shut myself inside my room and let it all fall down. I threw some CDs and books on the floor to let a little frustration out and punched the wall. I actually hurt myself more than I hurt the wall, but it felt good, to a certain extent.
Why did he have to say that? Why did he have to break up with me? That's what he did. He told me that I would end up hurt. Well let me you, I'm not hurt. I'm pissed off! After all we have been through, he thinks that 3,000 miles will be too hard. It would be hard, but we would get over it. It's not that far.
Oh who am I kidding? It would be hard. And honestly, I don't want to hold him back from fully experiencing college and everything. But why couldn't he just let us be together for a little while. Why didn't we talk about it before? This is just too damn confusing. I can't to school. I won't be able to look at him, be around him. The thought makes me all shivery.
The thing that gets me about this, is that we never even had a chance to be something. We were just sleeping together. I know the feelings and the sentiments were there the whole time, but we never actually got to share them. We never even dated. We never got to do the cute stuff, the holding hands, the hugs and kisses in the hallways. We didn't get to do anything normal. Normal shouldn't even exist in describing me and my screwed up way of living. Nothing is normal.
Mom and Dad didn't even try to deal with me this morning. I went downstairs, had a glass of orange juice, then went back up to my room and cried a little more. I think they were both in the living room, Mom reading and Dad watching TV. I don't know. They just didn't say anything and I didn't even acknowledge they were there. They didn't even try and get me to go to school. I must look absolutely hideous for them not to force me to keep up the regular appearances.
It must have been around two o'clock when someone actually knocked on my door. I had given up all contact with the outside world. Alex had called me every hour like clock work in between class periods and after looking at the caller ID, I decided against picking up the phone.
"Go away," I shout back at the door.
"Mary. Open this door up." It's Mom. Of course it would be her.
"No!"
She keeps trying. "If you don't open this door, I'll get someone to do it for me."
"Fine, but I'm not talking to you."
After a moment she says, "We are only trying to do what's best for you."
God why does she have to say that? She's only going to be starting a fight I know she doesn't want. Give up all ready!
"You should have tried that ten years ago!"
"Mary can't we just talk about this. You're my daughter and we should be able to work this out."
I do not want to continue having this conversation through the door, so I get up off my bed and make my way over to the doorway. I open up the door and reply, "Only biologically and well legally that can fixed."
She shakes her head, "You don't mean that."
"Oh yes I do."
"Mary let me come in and we can talk about this okay?"
"No I don't want to talk about this. Just go away!" I plead.
"I'm not going away. I'm your mother and we are going to deal with this. Whatever is bothering you we need to talk about it. You obviously have some issues bottled up and there is no time like the present to work them out. I can tell that it's not just Grandma Emily's funeral you're upset about. There's something else that's bothering you and my hunch is that it has to do with that Ryderstan kid." Right on the nail.
I shake my head, "Don't you think it's a little late for you to try and have a heart to heart with me? We tried it the last time and it didn't work because you ended up siding with Dad about Alex."
"I did it for your own good Mary. I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I did," she reasons.
"And what mistakes are those?"
She looks away from me in thought. "Mary–"
"Was it the time when you had an affair behind Dad's back? Or was it the countless times you ignored me? Tell me," I insist. I don't necessarily know why I am being so mean to her. I'm just so frustrated with her and everyone else and unfortunately she has to be the one to bear the brunt of it. The sad part is that both of us think she deserves it.
She doesn't look me. Her blue eyes focus down the hallway on something that seems to have her attention. I know she just doesn't want to address what's in front of her.
We stand there for a few a moments and don't say anything.
I give in before she does. "Mom, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
Her blue eyes look at me. Tears are welling up inside of them and before they have a chance to escape she wipes them away. "No, you should have. I know I'm not the best person and it's horrible when your own daughter doesn't even realize that. Growing up, I idolized my mother. Maybe I didn't want to end up exactly like her, but there were no faults in her that weren't lovable. However in my case, there are things that can definitely be hated.
"Mary, I don't want you to hate me. But considering the things I've done there is no reason why you shouldn't hate me. The fact that you feel neglected and that I cheated on your father all those years ago make me a horrible person and I know it. Maybe I just want there to be a little bit of hope that maybe I can become a good person again. I love you and Tristan so much, but over the years I've lost the ability to show it. Maybe I never showed it to you in the first place."
"I don't hate you," I say softly.
"You don't?" she asks hopefully.
I straighten up my posture and explain. "Mom I just don't like how we do these circles. One minute say you are going to be honest with me and the next you're not. And it's like we keep having the same conversation over and over again. I can't do it anymore. I don't want my hopes to get up and then for you to ruin them. My life is already enough of a roller coaster and I don't want or need anymore of that. It was easier when you were just never there. I know that sounds really bad, but I knew I couldn't count on you and then when you tell me I can count on you, you don't follow through and that hurts even more."
"I know and I don't mean to."
"Then how come you do it? Why?"
Impatiently she replies, "Because I can't have you end up with that Ryderstan kid!"
Sadly I say, "Well that's not going to happen anyway." I turn away from her and collapse on my bed. I was doing well there for a moment. Not thinking about him.
I hear her footsteps against the hardwood floor. She sits on the bed, next to me. My head is turned away from her. I don't want to let her know that her wish has come true. It's not really her wish, it's really everyone else's wish, which includes her.
"What happened?"
"Nothing. We're not together anymore," I state plainly. As much as I don't want to admit to her, I don't want to admit it to myself.
She sighs, "It's for the best Mary."
Now this kind of pisses me off. I sit up and yell, "How can you say that? Maybe it wouldn't exactly work out, but he has been the best thing in my life for the past four months! He's been the one to hold me when I cried after I heard you and Dad yell and scream at each other all the time. He heard about all my problems and he was the only one that listened! How can you possible say that about him? You don't even know him!"
"You said it yourself. It wouldn't work out, Mary. You know it, I know it, your father knows it, and thankfully Alex does to. You're better off without him."
"No I'm not. Don't you understand that? I had no feeling before him. I was this empty soul without any passion or anything. He made me feel something I've never felt before. Now that he's gone I don't feel anything."
For some reason she wraps her arms around me. I try to push her away but she just stays strong. I can't resist any longer and after she feels me give in she says, "It'll be alright Mary. It will be alright."
"That's just it though. It will just be alright. Nothing will be great again," I utter through tears.
"It'll happen again Mary. It takes time. We all just need to grow up a little more. I didn't realize what love was until I met Tristan again. Sometimes we are just too immature to handle the reality of the world."
"Mom?"
I move my head off of her shoulder and look at her in the eyes. "Yes?"
"Do you think we can move to be with Dad?"
"You mean you want to live in Washington?"
I place my head back on her shoulder, "Yes." I sniffle.
"Okay."
She doesn't say anything more and I don't really expect her to. She just holds me in her arms and she taught me something.
At one moment, at one time and place, a certain thing can seem absolutely horrible, like it's the worst thing in the world and it is. It is absolutely horrible, but there is the next moment, the day. We both know that running away from things isn't the greatest thing to do, but sometimes you have to. You have to get away from the things that remind you. You have to grow up.
A few weeks later, after I was enrolled in the best private school in D.C., Franklin Academy, and my parents had found a house on the outskirts that they liked, we started packing up. We still have to keep this house in order to maintain citizenship and for Dad to keep his day job. But I still have to move the majority of my stuff. You don't realize how much stuff you have until you have to put it all in boxes.
I went back to school for the last couple of weeks in February. It was hard, going back through those hallways, but I knew that I wouldn't have to go through them any longer, so I just kept to myself. I still ate lunch with my same friends, but I didn't participate in the social scene. I basically just kept up a good front. I was almost like a cardboard box: sturdy, but empty inside. Hannah noticed, but she just attributed it to the idea that my parents were forcing me to leave Hartford and the ironic part is, that I was the one that asked them.
Before, when they had asked me to move, I was appalled by the idea. But after all the incidents and all the fights, I realized I couldn't be in this city anymore. I couldn't be surrounded by all the things that reminded me of him and everything I went through. I realized I couldn't stand that blue, plaid uniform and all the falsity that surrounded me. Honestly, I just had to get away.
I've been a coward in a lot of instances, but for some reasons that word doesn't fit what I'm doing. I am running away, but I need to. A coward is someone that's running away for the wrong reasons. They can't face reality anymore. With me, I'm facing reality. I can't be in that bubble anymore. I don't want all that attention for nothing. I know I'll be in a city where everyone will know who my father is, but there won't be that same Dugrey reputation that is so famous throughout Hartford. No one will know about the past. And if they do, it won't be the same. It'll be different and that's what I like.
I still remember the day. The day when Alex and I's relationship was escalated to another level. For a month we had just fooled around. Nothing past kissing or fondling and that was tame, even if the kissing wasn't.
We were in his room doing the usual on a Friday night. It always seemed like when he kissed me it was more than a kiss, but we both never said anything. We were too afraid of the repercussions.
Joe thought I was at Hannah's house. Hannah thought I was at my parents and my parents thought I was at Hannah's. Actually come to think of it, I just told Tina. At that point in time, my parents didn't really care.
Anyway we were kissing on his bed and he pulled away for a moment and looked at me with those dark eyes. He didn't even have to say anything. I knew what he wanted. I had been debating the possibility of sex with Alex Ryderstan for the past two weeks and frankly I knew I had to do it sooner or later and the scary thing was, that I wanted to do it. He was right when he said that I would want it. I only nodded and then he slowly began unpeeling my clothes.
My hands had focused on his chest and I found out how hard it was to take buttons off a man's shirt in the middle of the moment. The shirt had come off eventually and my hands had began traveling down his hard, toned chest and back. I couldn't get enough of his physique and well plainly him. He wasn't fumbling, but I could tell that he was slightly nervous.
I knew he had been with countless girls before, but I know that I affected him in a certain way he had never known. I was uncharted terrain and along the lines he had developed something for me. At that time, he would never admit, but there was something there. His touch wasn't urgent. It was soft and definite. He knew exactly what to do. And along the lines of our agreement he didn't say any sweet nothings. He was silent, as was I. The only thing you could hear was the moans and the occasional exclamation of eachother's names, when the moans and groans weren't enough.
Having sex for the first time wasn't like I thought it would be. After the deal that Alex and I had made, I had a feeling he would be my first, but it was different. It lasted longer than I thought it would. I'm not just saying that Alex was good or anything. I didn't have anything to compare it too, but it felt good. Of course it hurt a little, but after I got use to the feeling it was great. I'm glad it was with him. Now I know that I shared it with someone who would appreciate it.
What Alex and I had was good. It wasn't ideal, but the relationship did what it was suppose to do. Nothing more, nothing less.
I miss him. I miss the way he would hold me, kiss me and all the other little things. I don't know what else to classify it as, but I miss it. I would give anything to have it back, but we both know that it wouldn't work. There are too many obstacles that would come between us. He knows that I don't want the on and off relationship that only occurs when he's home and I know he doesn't want that either. Most of all, I just don't want to hold him back. He can do so much and he doesn't need me.
Those last few weeks he would give me those long glances in the hallways and at the meeting when I resigned from my position as junior class president he gave me a sad smile and handed over the title to the current vice president.
On my last Friday at school I got a lot of hugs from people telling me to keep in touch and saying that they will miss me. I know half of them mean it and the other half don't, but I guess it's the thought that counts. Hannah came over and we are in the process of saying goodbye.
She's been the one person that's been there for the past year and a half. She's the one person next to Alex that I connected with. She may have her stupid moments, but that's the part of what I love about her. She spontaneous and just makes me see things in a totally different way.
"Mary, what are you going to do without me? I mean who's going to be the one to take you to all the parties and introduce to cute boys? Come on, before you met me your nose was stuck in a book all the time!" she teases.
"No it wasn't! I went out once in awhile."
"Yeah, once in awhile. Girl, you need to get out more!"
I throw my arms around her, "Hannah I'm going to miss you."
"I know you will, but you'll be back here and there. It's not like you're falling off the face of the earth or something."
Under my breath I say, "I want to."
"Hey! Don't say that. You'll be fine. You just need to get away from all this Chilton, Hartford crap. This place sucks and believe me if I could I would leave too."
I laugh a little. "I know you would."
"Yep. I would. Oh Mary, what am I going to do without you? Who is going to be the one to make sure I get home okay and that my shirt doesn't come off all the time?"
"I'm afraid you are going to have to learn to do that for yourself sweetie." I ruffle her hair, playfully.
She pouts, "Mary, I'm missing you already."
Then she perks up, "Aren't you going to come out tonight? Mike is having a party tonight and you can see everyone again before you leave. Come on, please."
"I don't think so. My flight leaves tomorrow at one, so I have to be at the airport at 11."
"Mary please, this will be the last thing I ask of you. Please come to the party?"
I look at her pleading eyes. Why am I such a good friend? "Fine, I'll go." She claps her hands together. I hold my hand up for her to stop, "Under one condition. I have to be home by one and I'm bringing my own car, that way I don't have to be stranded there."
"That's all you want? I thought you were going to ask me to stay sober or something."
I laugh. "Now Hannah I think we both know that that's impossible."
She laughs too. "You're right. Isn't that sad? I'm seventeen and I'm already an alcoholic."
"You're not an alcoholic, you just like to drink. Sometimes a little too much, but most of the time you're okay."
"Thanks Mary. Don't you ever feel like all the parties and everything just get mixed together and it's all one big blur? I can hardly remember anything from this year," she says almost sadly.
"Hannah, I always thought we said no regrets."
"I know, but I can't help but feel regretful. I mean don't you have things that you regret?"
"You have no idea, but I've come to the realization that you just have to accept them and move on. We can't fix them so we might as well not pine over them and wish we could fix them."
"You're right. I wish I was as smart as you."
"You are. You just don't show it."
She hits me on my arm.
"Ouch, that hurt!" I rub my upper arm.
"No it didn't you big baby."
"Okay maybe it didn't. Anyway, so if we are going to this party tonight, I have absolutely nothing to wear because all my stuff is packed up, which means that I need to raid your closet."
She jumps up off my bed. "Mary! Can I dress you?" she asks excited.
I roll my eyes. "Do you know what happened the last time you did that?"
She remembers the memory. "Oh. Well I won't do that I promise."
"No leather?"
"No leather."
I smile. "Okay."
"Let's go get ready."
"Hannah, it's 7 o'clock."
"Well the party starts at 9 and believe that is not enough time."
"Two hours?" my brow furrows at that amount of time of getting ready.
"Duh Mary. We have to do the hair, the nails, the makeup, not to forget the clothes. Come on," she grabs my hand.
As she pulls me down the stairs I say, "Wait a second Hannah. I have to ask my mom first if it's okay. I'm sure she'll say yes I just want to make sure that she's okay with it."
"Okay just be back quick."
"I will."
I make my way to where Mom's study is and I find her at the computer typing something. I thought she quit her job at the times.
"Mom?"
She looks at me through her reading glasses, "Hi Mary. What's up?"
"Hi. Can I go out tonight?"
"Who are you going with?"
"Hannah. I told her that I have to be home by one and I'm taking my own car, so I don't have to worry about her having to drive me."
"You can go. Just be careful okay?"
"I will be." I walk over to her and give her a hug. "I love you Mom."
"I love you too."
"See you later."
"Bye."
Two and half hours later, I walk into Mike's party with a jean miniskirt on with a silky, black halter top and black ballet shoes. My brown hair is in a ponytail and I have silver hoop earrings on. Hannah does have quite the wardrobe and she is where I go for all my "party" clothes. She did my makeup, but I made sure that it was soft. The one thing she insisted upon was the smoky eyes. I let her do it. Hey it's my last night and frankly I don't really care what these people think. Okay maybe that's a lie, but it is my last night and I am going to make the most of it. Besides all the other girls wear eye makeup like this, so maybe I should try it. It can't do anything.
All the familiar faces are here. It's like any other Chilton party. Maybe that's what I like about it. Although my track record has never been good at Chilton parties, but what are you going to do?
I see Joe with some girl all over him that he'll most likely fuck before the night is over. Honestly, I can't really blame him. I wasn't the greatest girlfriend, but then again he wasn't the greatest boyfriend.
About fifteen minutes later after getting a drink of something, which is never a good thing, I notice some of Alex's group walk door. Of course, being faced with the possibility of seeing Alex I immediately turn the other way.
I find myself outside on the patio. That's never exactly a good place to be because this is where all the pot smokers go, but it's the place I know I'll be safe from him.
"I thought I'd find you out here," someone says into my ear. The voice is definitely familiar and I definitely thought wrong about being outside.
"Hi Alex." My voice sounds incredibly weak and it's a little high. I keep my eyes away from him, but I really want to look at him, but I can't.
"The sky's really beautiful tonight."
I look up at his observation and comment, "You can see the stars." The small lights are in the dark blue sky and illuminate it. He's right. It really is beautiful.
"Yeah you can."
We both stay silent for a moment and look at the sky. Out of the corner of my eye I can see him looking at me. Immediately I turn away from his gaze.
"Mary you didn't return any of my calls."
I huff. "Did you expect me to?" I look at him.
"Not really. I just hoped you would." His eyes bear into me. He has that look that makes me go weak.
I can't stand it anymore so I just look away from him.
"Look at me Mary."
"No."
He grabs my shoulders and forces me to look at him. "Mary I did what I had to do. I don't want you to hate me."
"Why does everyone think that I hate them?" I ask myself aloud. After I gather my thoughts I reply, "I don't hate you. I just wish that things were different."
"So do I. But they're not Mary and unfortunately we have to face the reality and if that means we can't be together, then that's the way it is." He's silent then continues, "I love you, I just want you to know that."
After placing a small kiss on my forehead he walks away from me. I don't think he hears my response.
"I love you too."