Chapter Thirteen: Mother

Alex

Now I understand why you've seemed so nervous these last few days. Watching you sleep next to me, your left hand with its ringed finger cushioning your face, lying between your cheek and pillow. I trace the line of the band, smiling to myself again. I look at my own ring, studying the small oval diamond at its center. It's an incredible ring, delicate without looking fragile. You've blended our styles perfectly, finding one ring that compliments us both. You shift in your sleep, and I watch a smile flicker across your lips. For once I know your dreams are pleasant, filled with thoughts of me of us.

Every few minutes I see you looking up at me again, kneeling in front of me at the table, your eyes shining from held-back tears, a nervously expectant smile on your face. You've never looked so beautiful and it took my breath away, stole my words. All I could do was nod my head like an idiot, crying like a baby. I had no idea you were thinking of this, no idea you were ready. You've been begging me for months to come back, to come home. I assumed it was because you just missed having me around, not because you were wanting something permanent. I know better now. I know we said we'd wait and tell people tomorrow, but I can't help slipping from the bed at 4am to make two phone calls. I can't sleep anyway, I'm too happy.

"The only person I want to talk to at 7am is my girlfriend, if this isn't Casey, consider yourself sued."

"I miss you too, Serena."

"Alex? Hey! How are you? Isn't it like… 4am there? Why are you up?"

"Couldn't sleep."

"Something wrong?" Serena's voice fills with concern.

"Quite the opposite actually. That's why I'm calling. Liv will kill me later, but I have to tell someone."

Our ever-sharp friend steals the joy of surprise from me, "Don't tell me that woman finally proposed!"

"Damn you Serena! Yes she did, last night."

"That's incredible. Congratulations Lex. You must be beside yourself."

"Pretty much. It was amazing Rena, it was this perfect proposal, I don't know how my tough cop came up with all of it on her own."

"Well, Casey helped a little apparently."

"What?"

"Liv came by her office before she left asking her to teach her how to tie bows or something like that. She wouldn't say for what. Casey had a pretty decent laugh later about how red Olivia's face was by the time she left. We both figured it was for something special, but I didn't expect it to be this."

"Yeah, well neither did I. Of course now I have all these logistics to sort through, I'll have to get hopping on finding a job, and we'll have to sort out the living arrangement, and wedding arrangements, and of course we'll have to find someplace where we won't go to jail for doing it. And then there's my mother…"

"Lex… Alex…. ALEXANDRA!" Serena interrupts my sudden tirade.

"What? Sorry, I was so caught up earlier that I didn't really stop to think about all the plans and such."

"Well at least you won't have to worry about the job."

What? This is new. "What are you talking about?"

"Didn't Olivia tell you? Casey put in her notice. I got a job in D.C. and she's coming with me. We're moving to Washington together. Elliot said he told Olivia before thanksgiving, didn't she mention it?"

For the second time in 12 hours I'm speechless.

"You're first on Branch's list of replacements. Casey said he's going to call you Monday afternoon to set up all the necessary re-interviews and paperwork etc."

"Serena, if I find out that you're pulling my leg, I'm going to have you killed."

"Wow, you and Liv really are perfect for each other. From what I hear, she said almost exactly the same thing to Elliot."

I can't help chuckling. My chuckle turns into a yawn, as I start to say goodbye to my friend, "thanks for the heads up Rena. And can you ask Casey to sound surprised about the engagement when she hears it through the grapevine? Liv'll kill me if she finds out I started calling people."

Serena laughs out loud, "Well we wouldn't want that would we? Although I'm tempted to have your girlfriend … I'm sorry, fiancée… bumped. You do realize this means Casey's going to have wedding bells ringing in her head?"

"Sorry Rena, not my fault. Your issues with permanence are between you and that girlfriend of yours. But I've gotta get going, I still have one more call to make."

"Uhoh, somebody's gonna get in trouble." Serena's voice is sing-song, teasing.

"Not for this one. Even if she does find out, I think she'll understand."

"Who're you going to call?"

"My mom."

Serena doesn't need me to explain, she's all too familiar with my mother and her judgments. She wishes me luck, and we hang up. I pause for a minute before dialing the Cabot house. I need some time to gather my nerves, to get ready for this. I'm already sure it's going to be the last time I talk to her. I've been putting it off ever since I realized who I am. But with this ring on my finger, I can't hide from her anymore, and I can't afford to be subject to her judgments.

Olivia

I reach for you in my sleep, and the emptiness of your side of the bed wakes me from my dreams. I hear you talking in the other room, and I can't suppress a grin knowing you couldn't wait to call Serena. I had hoped we'd take turns making calls in the morning, but I'm too happy to bust you. I hear you hang up the phone and I pull down the covers to make it easier for you to crawl back in. When you don't reappear right away, I slip out of bed and into a robe. Before I get to the living room, I overhear the beginning of your second call.

"Mom… it's Alex."

"Mother, please don't hang up."

The pain in your voice is almost tactile, and I debate leaving you to do this in private until the moonlight in the window catches the silver in my ring. I walk quietly out and sit next to you on the sofa, taking your hand and pulling you to me.

"Mom, please. I just… I want to talk to you. I have some things I need to tell you. Just hear me out. When I'm done you can…you can wash your hands of me if you like. But let me talk to you first. Please."

When she doesn't hang up, you take a deep breath and squeeze my hand.

"Last night, Olivia proposed to me, she had rings, and dessert, and candlelight, and a romantic speech and everything. And momma, I accepted." The way you say it, "momma" like a little girl, still desperate for her approval… I'm afraid of how this is going to end for you, and I watch your face, the memory of your day in court this past February tickling the back of my mind.

You're still silent, and your mother must be lecturing, I watch your eyes well up with tears, and I wish I knew what she was telling you.

Alex

"Last night, Olivia proposed to me and she had rings, and dessert, and candlelight, and a romantic speech and everything. And momma, I accepted."

"Alexandra!" Her voice is ripe with disgust, and I can't help the tears that threaten to overflow as she continues. "Stop this nonsense immediately. I cannot believe that you hold so deep a resentment towards me that you would stoop to such ridiculous measures to cause me injury. What on earth did I do to you that has warranted such a scandal at my expense?

"Do you have any idea what people will say? No, Alexandra, this is absolutely unacceptable. I have indulged your little fantasy long enough. I demand that you return home at once."

Her anger seeps through the line, and you squeeze my hand as my tears begin to fall down my cheeks. I struggle to keep my voice calm, not wanting her to hear the pain behind my courage.

"Mother, I already am home. Olivia is my home."

"Alex, please." The change in her tone is sudden, and the softness catches me off guard. "My girl, please. Don't do this. I know we've had our… disagreements, but it's nothing we can't mend if you just come home. Come home, we'll… we'll find a good doctor, a good therapist. Surely there are people who can help with this … sort of thing. We'll hire the best in the country. She's… she's had an undue influence you, used your friendship to turn you into someone your not. We can fix this. We can fix you."

Suddenly I'm no longer moved. Suddenly I'm no longer pained. Suddenly I no longer care. I know who I am, and I don't need to be fixed… least of all by her.

"Mother, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you can't accept the person I've become." I stare at you beside me on the couch, barely blinking, not wanting to break the contact of our gaze. "I am in love with Olivia, I love her, and I'm in love with her and I'm going to marry her. And quite frankly mother, I don't give a damn what you or any of your society friends think about it." The look on your face changes from concern to pride, and you glow as I continue,

"I'm done Mother. You won't hear from me again. I'm done. I don't need you anymore mother. I have my own family now, and it doesn't include you or your prejudice, or your judgments or your conditions."

"Alexandra, don't do this."

"If you change your mind someday, and please don't expect me to hold my breath, but if you do change your mind, I'll make sure Trevor has all of my contact information."

"Alexandra…"

"Goodbye, Mother." I hesitate, but decide to add one more thing, "I love you."

I hang up before she has a chance to respond.

Olivia

I don't think I've ever been prouder of you. I watched your face change as you spoke to your mother, anxiety giving way to pain, giving way to anger, giving way to peace. When you finally said goodbye I wonder if she heard the finality in your voice that I did. Your tears are dry, and your eyes are shining. I gather you up in my arms and feel you clutching me. As strong as you suddenly feel in my arms, I can sense your exhaustion too, and I have the sneaking suspicion that you've been up all night.

"Lets go back to bed, you have to sleep."

"How do you know I didn't?"

"See this?" I point to your ring, then to mine, "it means I know."

You roll your eyes, grinning as you lead me back into the bedroom. We crawl into bed and you pull the covers so that they rest heavy on my side. I can't help but smile, you try so hard to make sure I stay covered all night now. I still wake up some mornings shivering to see you tucked deep into the covers, but it doesn't happen as often.

"So what did she have to say?"

You sigh, and I can tell that you do feel sad, deep down. "About what you'd expect. She wanted me to come home so she could find a doctor to 'fix' me. She said she thought you'd had 'undue influence' over me, that you'd used our friendship to try and make me into something I wasn't."

"How do you feel about it?"

"About what?"

"About what she said, do you… do you think I 'influenced' you?" It's a question I've asked myself before. When we met, I was sure you were straight. And on our first date you were so nervous, looking around to see who was looking at us. The first time we talked about being together, you told me you'd never been with a woman. I've wondered on more than one occasion if I made you this way.

The look on your face changes my mind. "Olivia, are you serious? Baby you didn't make me do anything. You didn't 'turn' me gay. It wasn't contagious. I had these feelings long before I met you. There just wasn't anyone worth admitting them for until you."

"Really?" This is something we've never actually talked about. You know about my history, about my denials, my one-night stands. But I've never thought to ask about you about discovering yourself. "When did you know?"

"What, that I'm gay? I don't know really. I think part of me always knew. You're the first person I told though. Once, in law school I was studying in the main university library, working on a hypothetical case that had a lot of psychological lingo to it. I went to the uni library to do some research and one of the research assistants on staff starting hitting on me. She invited me out for coffee, and we went to dinner a couple of times. One day, she told me she was gay, that she thought I was beautiful, that she wanted to date me. There was this big part of me that went, 'YES' even as I told her that wasn't who I was. I kept apologizing, telling her 'I'm not like that.' She never spoke to me again. But I spent a lot of time after that thinking about why she would have assumed I felt the same way. Why she would think I was that kind of person.

"It took me a while to understand that she thought it because I was that kind of person. She saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself. I didn't ever have the opportunity to date a woman again. Not until you. And until you, I didn't really care anyway.

"I was always gay Livvy, it just wasn't worth it until there was you."

You kiss me in our bed, and for the first time in our relationship I feel secure, even way deep down where I've always doubted us. For some reason it was important to me, that I didn't change you. I needed to know it wasn't my fault.