Chapter Sixteen: Making Plans

Alex

By the time I've finished my shower, you and Elliot are laughing it up over the phone. If I wasn't privy to your particular proclivities, I'd almost be jealous of your friendship with your partner. Fortunately I know both of you well enough to see the beauty in your friendship. I stand at the edge of the hallway for a moment, watching as you throw back your head and laugh, amazed as I often am to have you in my life this way. You catch my eye and gesture me to your side. As I dip to kiss your cheek you move the phone so I can hear Elliot's congratulations.

"It's about time Alex made an honest woman out of you. She's certainly got her work cut out for her."

I grin, and add my two cents as a hello, "I couldn't agree more Elliot. Don't forget now, when I get back I want a full report on her activities from you. I'll expect it written and signed in triplicate on my desk my first day back."

Elliot laughs, and I'm glad to hear him sounding happier than when last I saw him. You tell me later that he and Kathy have finally reached a custody agreement that, while not perfect, is as close as it can get for both of them, and for the kids. I head to the kitchen to grab my travel mug full of fresh-brewed coffee as you say goodbye to Elliot.

"What's next babe? More calls or shall we head out?"

"Grab the extension, Elliot said Don's at the house today with Munch and Fin, evidently they caught a case that requires some Saturday paperwork. He thinks they'll be glad for the distraction."

I pop back into the bedroom to grab the second portable, and join you back in the living room, sitting in the overstuffed armchair across from where you're settled in the sofa.

"Don? It's Olivia."

"And Alex!"

"Aha… and how are my favorite detective and ADA?"

"Aww Don, I knew you liked me."

"Alex, you annoy the hell out of me, but at least you know how to fight a motion to suppress."

"Problems Captain?"

"Nothing new Olivia, just the same old arguments with Novak, and the same old evidence hunt as usual. What's the news in Oregon?"

"Well that's why we called Don, we wanted you guys to hear it from us first."

"Don't tell me Alex is finally making an honest woman out of you?"

You shoot me a look and I know what's going to come out next.

"Why does everyone keep saying that?"

Don laughs and I can't resist a bit of a giggle myself.

"Because quite frankly we've all been waiting for somebody to tie you down for years. Couldn't happen to a better woman. And Alex, I hear you'll be back on the job come the New Year?"

"That's the rumor. Casey's going to D.C. and evidently I'm on Branch's short list for replacing her. The current guess is I'll be back and settled by February first."

"Glad to hear it. It'll be nice to feel like the DA's office is on our side again. And Olivia, you have a stack of paperwork waiting for you when you get back so I expect you at your desk 8am Tuesday morning. I don't care what time your flight gets in."

We both smile, knowing Don is trying to sound tougher than he feels.

"Yes sir, 10am Tuesday morning."

"That's 8am Detective, and not a minute later! Now go celebrate."

We hang up and share a warm laugh. "You think he'd walk me down the aisle?"

"Hey, who says you get to walk down the aisle?" You feign insult.

"You want to wear a frilly white dress and high-heeled strappy sandals?"

"Right. We'll ask Don to walk you down the aisle. Elliot can stand with me at the alter and be my best man. You ready to go?"

"With you? Anytime, anywhere!"

Olivia

How did I get so lucky? There are hundreds of SVU's in this country, thousands of ADA's, millions of PD's. I ended up with the guys, you, and Don. I can't help but feel that maybe I'm finally seeing the good side of this whole Karma thing. Maybe all those times I cried myself to sleep, all those times I cleaned up after mom passed out on the couch, all those times I woke up next to some random stranger hoping to find … I don't know what-- maybe all those times earned me this. You used to tell me that some people have to go through the fires of hell to get to the gateway to heaven. Maybe my fires are over now. I can only hope.

We head out in the car towards Portland, and I'm finally starting to get the hang of this whole backwoods to big city transition. Still, I'll be glad to get back to the city-- gladder still when you're back too and we can put this whole lousy separation behind us.

We've decided on dinner at Swagat's but they don't open till five and so we have an hour before we can even head over. We decide to hit Powell's first, you want to pick up some wedding magazines, and I promised Elliot I'd pick up a book for Maureen. Something for her psych class that she hasn't been able to find. I head to the psychology room, and you hit the periodicals, and we agree to meet in languages in twenty minutes. By the time you show up your arms are full of magazines, and three books besides. I can't help raising my eyebrows as you struggle to gain control of your pile.

"What's all this?"

"Well, this one had great flowers, and this one had the most beautiful dresses, and I stopped by the LBG section and found a couple things about gay/lesbian weddings that I thought we could use."

I don't know what it is about the last book that makes my face fall.

"What is it? What's wrong? What's that look?"

I shake my head, "nothing."

"No, it's not nothing, what is it?"

I take the last book from your hands and flip through the pages. I don't know what look is on my face but clearly you've figured me out. I glance up to see you scowling.

"We're not seriously going to do this again are we?"

Alex

Why do you do this to me? Things are going so well, amazingly, unbelievably well. And now this… again!

"We're not seriously going to do this again are we?"

"Alex, it's not that it's just…"

"Yes it is. Are you still freaking out about a stupid three letter word?"

"It's not stupid Alex, it's powerful. Remember Sophie?"

"Remember Julie? Sophie was afraid Liv, she wasn't like you. And look at Julie. Didn't you say she called last week to say she'd met someone new? She's moving on with her life. Being gay didn't kill her. And quite frankly it didn't kill Sophie either. And it's sure as hell not going to kill you."

Our voices are raised, and we're starting to draw the gaze of other customers.

"Look, let's get out of here… I want to buy these things but then I think we need to talk."

You nod, and let me pull you to the register. We leave the store and stop to put my books in the car before heading towards the waterfront. We walk in silence, and I'm still angry, though softened when you take my hand in yours. Somehow we both gravitate towards the same bench, facing the waterway… watching the Willamette flow by, not looking at each other. We should have had this discussion a long time ago. I guess I just assumed that when you finally told Don about us your reservations had finally disappeared.

"Talk to me Liv. You know how I feel, and I thought I knew how you felt. I thought we agreed the word didn't matter."

You stare at the water and I wait, knowing you're gathering your thoughts before you speak. Just when I'm about to give up and fill this silence you find your voice.

"It's just that word. Gay. It's just so… definitive."

I tilt my head, not sure I understand what you're getting at.

"People use it so … I don't know, like it's an end-all, be-all kind of word. Like it defines a person. Gay."

"We use words to define ourselves all the time. People call you a cop. People call me a lawyer. These are words that add to the definition of who we are."

"But its not everything that we are. People don't look at you and think lawyer. That's it the end. They look at you and they see a woman, a blond, a lawyer, a Harvard grad, a person. I'm a cop but it doesn't define me."

Suddenly I get it.

Olivia

I finally look at you, look into those eyes and watch as the blue becomes clearer, crystal as you finally understand. It's not that I don't identify. I know I'm gay. I get that. The very fact that I love you makes it true. But I don't want that to define me. I don't want it to be the first thing people think when they see me.

"You're afraid it's going to be the first thing people think. That it's going to rule out everything else. That you'll be the gay cop, the gay woman, the gay detective."

I nod. But I can't speak, can't find a way to be eloquent about this. You're always better with words than I am. I keep hoping you'll jump in again, finish my thought for me, but you're quiet. Your head is turned away from me again, staring at the gray-blue water. We sit this way for awhile, until I take your hand again, hoping I'll encourage you to break this silence. You look at the river and squeeze my hand. We sit together side by side, one leg tucked under my body so I'm facing you, watching your face for some clue as to what's going on in your head. Our rings shine in the spotty sunlight that filters through breaks in the thick gray soup of clouds above us. The stillness of this day falls over us, and we get lost in our thoughts, unable to find the words to explain ourselves.