ASHES - A Cinderella Story
Chapter Sixteen - Go All Out Against Your Love
Rock the shuttle to and fro,
Roll the thunder as you go,
You swing Bop and I strike Zen,
Chapter Sixteen's gonna spin.
HIROSHI (Black Magic Woman):
I felt the awful weight of certainty bearing down, like bags of cement settling on my shoulders. Kidori was here. I should have known, when the Primrose Path showed up, that she would not be far behind.
Naturally, she wanted the wish card, but what did she intend to do with it? She might decide to wish herself free of the influence of the mask - the very thing that I had intended to do for her before I lost my Cinderella powers. She might decide to make me a love slave - I could live with that. As long as she didn't do anything kinky. Heck, come to think of it, I could even live with that.
One thing was certain. I was no longer able to help her, either by going against her and winning the prize or aligning with her to help her get the prize. All I could do was watch, while my fears crushed the breath from my body.
Kidori spoke again, her voice tenuous, unsure. "I want to enter the contest!"
"Dat's too bad!" Principal Kuno called, touching the bridge of his sunglasses and grinning a face-splitting grin. "You ain't no student! De only way you enter is to challenge de winnah! You gotta wait!"
"Miscreant!" cried Mara. "First you won't let me enter, and now you keep her out! What has she done to you? You shall pay for this!"
"Talk to de hand," laughed the principal as he waved and disappeared off the back of the stage. "De ears don't hear! Goo-bye!"
"Darling child!" cried the little dumpy woman who had tossed out Nabiki's photographs. "I shall stand up for you!"
"Gouman-chan!" Nabiki yelled at her, "You haven't heard the last of me!"
"What's that, Dearie?" Gouman-chan mocked. "I don't recall your name!"
"Oh, you'll recall it, soon enough!" Nabiki growled as she turned to me. "Hiroshi, I want you to..." She saw that I was male and she stopped. Disbelief built up in her face until she erupted with, "...What happened to you? I thought you were ready to fight!"
"I got 'cured'," I grumbled, shrugging her hand off my shoulder. "Basho helped me."
"That troublemaking...that's the thanks I get for helping him out! Well, there's still one thing I can do! I know where he's going! Wait here!" Nabiki headed for the exit even as she spoke.
"Hiroshi!" Mom called into my ear, making me start violently.
I recovered and turned forlornly to her, saying, "Mom, I'm glad to see you, but why are you and Pops here?"
"Hiroshi-chan, I told you last night that your father and I were going to see your teachers...of course, now that I've seen your darling girl-friend..."
"Heh. Yeah, Mom. Hainoko tried to explain that. You see..."
"Of course, we had to come for the parent-teachers meetings. Why, I even saw Mr. Tendo here. You know, Akane's father?"
"Yeah. Right. I'm still trying to explain..."
"I am so sorry your girlfriend dumped you," she went on.
"Look, Mom. It's not like that."
"I know your father and I have raised you to be a respectable boy and you would never do anything shameful," she said with a sigh of deep regret. "But if you'd been a man to her, perhaps she would have never left."
"Ack!" This was bad. I had to tell her the truth. I had to make her understand that I had been Cinderella. If I didn't, she would make up all sorts of impossible scenarios.
"She must have been terribly dedicated to pose in such revealing costumes."
"Urk!" On the other hand, maybe now was not a good time to bare it all.
"Never mind right now, Hiroshi-chan. We'll have plenty of opportunity to discuss this, afterward. What is this about a talent contest? I didn't realize there would be entertainment! Are you going to enter? Er..." It suddenly occurred to her that she had made a grievous error, giving me an excuse to sing. She tried to cover up by stammering, "I...I mean, do you have a favorite contestant?"
"I don't think..." I started to say.
"Ah, well, you do have to move on!" Mom sighed wistfully. She noticed Kidori, standing on stage meekly while Gouman-chan talked to her, and Mom motioned to me. "Hiroshi-chan! What do you think of that girl? She would make an excellent date!"
"That girl?" I gulped. Nothing would make me happier, although the thought of Kidori, freaking out in front of my family and claiming to be my long-lost lover, scared me senseless. Mom would have me married before I could recover from the embarrassment. I said, "Mom, you don't really want me to date her!"
"Why not? She is sweet, charming, and so impressive! Why, the very air about her is thick with emotion!"
At that moment, Gouman-chan had forced something into Kidori's hands, and Kidori pulled it over her face. The black cloud of energy that formed around her was even visible to me, in my dull-sensed male condition. I ducked as Kidori scanned the audience, her eyes flickering with red feral hunger. Mom whispered "Oh, my!" and shrank away from the stage.
The cry of the Primrose boomed off the far walls of the gym like echos from a cannon.
"-You won't let me enter your puny competition, will you? Very well! We hereby challenge the entire school!-"
HAIR (Gimme lots of hair):
Nabiki shook out her paper clip collection which substituted for most of the keys in the school. "Oh, sure. Piece of cake. The principal and I go back a long ways," she said to herself, until concentration made her jam her tongue into the corner of her mouth. "Even farther than he remembers. I know the layout of his office like the back of my hand. Of course, I haven't tried to sell test ponies since he's been back..."
She hesitated, suspicious. The door was not even locked.
After glancing about quickly for obvious traps, she pushed the door open and grumbled, "He is making it way too easy. Why hasn't anyone else tried this?"
The room was dimly lighted, festival torches on the wall blazing merrily in direct violation of the fire code, while fresh leis decorated palm shojis and draped over filing cabinets. The effect, with woven cane chairs and an oil drum desk, was of the interior of a crude Hawaiian beach hut.
Nabiki could see the wish credit card lying in plain sight in the center of the desk. She could hear, from behind a photograph of a sunlit beach, an electronic rendition of the hush and mutter of surf. There were other softer, more unsettling echoes. The further she went, the more certain she was that someone was here, waiting for her.
Abruptly, papers shuffled in the dim corner. Odors wafted her way, making her shiver as if ice water trickled down her spine. "Hello!" croaked a wet voice, dripping with ichor and slime.
No, wait, Nabiki thought. That isn't ichor. It's something else. It's...hair tonic. And the slime is hair cream. This realization did nothing to relieve the dread welling up from deep within her. She recognized the creature which creaked upright and sloped toward her, rattling and clicking implements of disfigurement.
The creature spoke, "A customer! Come in, come in, have a seat! My, it certainly has been a hot day, hasn't it? You can just bet it will storm, later. Of course this is nothing like the time we had two typhoons hit the city, back to back, in the fifties. And what do you think of the new second baseman they have for the Giants? He can really throw, can't he?"
Nabiki froze, her worst fears realized.
It was a barber.
"Oops! Wrong door!" Nabiki blurted, as she fled for the sake of her coiffure.
I CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION:
The school hallway was the scene of a reunion of sorts, as a pudgy monk exclaimed in astonishment, "Sensei! You are here!"
"Ah, good day, Basho! Why the long face?"
"Sensei! You know I have followed the precepts of the Temple of the Good Deed! I have memorized the entirety of the concepts of my branch, the five sacred koans, the seventeen holy precepts, the twenty-three admonitions, the seventy-one prohibitions and the one hundred and one possible modulations. It all boils down to making a choice - to help someone or pass them by - but, why do people seem so unhappy every time I do a good deed?"
"That is a very good question, my boy!"
"I regret that I have failed in my understanding, Sensei!"
"On the contrary, you have done very well! You are now ready to read the scroll which contains the final wisdom of the Temple of the Good Deed!"
"I am?" Basho blinked back the tears of happiness which tumbled down over his puzzled frown.
SHE'S NOT THERE:
"You look pale, Aunty Nabiki," Hainoko said, meeting her at the door to the auditorium/gym. "Were you scared?"
"Of course I was scared! I nearly got scalped!"
Miss Hinako, pert and chipper and only slightly older than Hainoko, peeked in the door. "Have you seen Soun-san?" she asked. "He's supposed to be here for the assembly program."
"I didn't know he was planning anything," Nabiki said, looking around at the students milling about the auditorium. "Now, what's going on?"
"Primrose just handed the school a challenge letter," Hainoko explained as she skipped along behind Nabiki. "She says she and her backup singers will take on every girl in school, using rock and roll martial arts rules."
Pandemonium ruled as students debated at the top of their lungs and visited among their seats. Amidst the resulting furor, a stealthy but attractive figure dressed in black rushed up to the students.
"Konatsu!" Ukyo greeted him. She almost hugged him but caught herself in time and settled for grabbing him by the shoulders.
"Oh, Miss Ukyo!" cried Konatsu, "It was horrible! I was chained to a dishwashing machine in a restaurant, and I could not escape! They forced me to wash more and more dishes! If I caught up, they dropped food on the floor and make me clean that, too!"
"Is this what they used to bind you?" Ukyo asked, lifting the shackles hanging from Konatsu's wrists.
"Oh, yes, Miss Ukyo! I finally escaped when a link of my chain broke. I disguised myself as a customer and walked out!"
"Konatsu..." Ukyo said in disgust, taking one of the links and ripping it apart, "This is a paper chain. You could have gotten away from them at any time!"
"But Ukyo-sama!" Konatsu prostrated himself before his employer and wept, waving a printed form in front of her face, "Then I would have lost this five hundred yen performance bonus! It is a present, especially for you, a gift certificate from The Frilly Lady Lingerie Shop!"
"Really, Konatsu, I am touched," Ukyo fingered the paper as she struggled to compose a reply. "I am not sure exactly where I am touched, but I appreciate the thought. I was worried about you. Where were you? Who kidnapped you?"
"Oh! I have to tell you!" the world's best kunoichi blurted, "The school must not accept the challenge from the Primrose Path! It is a trick!"
Tatewaki Kuno had climbed the stage steps to address Primrose. "Very well, then!" he cried, "On behalf of my besotted pater, the principal of Furinkan High, the Kendo Club and martial artists of Furinkan High, and myself, The Noble Blue Thunder of Furinkan High..." he waited for the rumbling clouds to die away, then continued, "I accept this paltry, this boorish, yea, this very inconceivable challenge!"
"Umh...Kuno-baby. Shouldn't you think this over?" Nabiki called, "She's pretty tough, and we don't know a thing about her backup singers."
"What must one know? Indeed, what possible chance can mere minstrels have against the combined power of Furinkan? Do you fear they might beat us? Why, the very concept is inconceivable!"
"You keep using that word,'" Nabiki said, quoting from her favorite movie. "I do not think it means what you think it means.'"
"Behold!" Primrose cried, her eyes gleaming redly in the suddenly dimmed shadows, "I give you my backup singers!" She gestured toward the luminous shaft of a centerstage spotlight and announced:
"For tenor - Koeda!" Sakku-chan, stick-figure thin, wavered onto the stage and warbled a high-pitched tune as piercing as a macaw's caw.
"For bass - Koume!" Juupooku, a gargantuan hulk of a woman, advanced onto the stage and bellowed as deeply as the groaning of elephants pulling a circus train.
"For contralto - Kotet!" Kidori's stepmother waddled onto the stage and emitted a sound similar to a camel sneeze.
"For rhythm and 'dowah-dowah' noises: Gouman-chan and her Bodyguards!"
"We've been tricked!" cried Ukyo, "It's the Sexy Kunoichi Sisters!" (manga #35)
"And you have accepted my challenge!" crowed Kotet, the ugly step-mother. "When we win, you must pay the forfeit!"
Nabiki blinked. "Exactly what is this forfeit?" she asked, looking over Ukyo's shoulder while the okonamiyaki cook read the challenge letter.
"Oh. My. Gods." gasped Ukyo.
"What?" snapped Nabiki, but Ukyo clenched the paper in her fists, blocking her view.
"The horror. The sheer horror!"
"What? What? Let me see!"
"It's Kotet! She is going after Principal Kuno!"
"You mean she's..."
"Yes! She wants to marry him!"
"What'sa problem?" asked Ranma-chan, "She'll keep him so busy he won't have time to bother us."
"Unless she decides to help him," Nabiki piped up. "And don't forget, she has two...make that three...daughters to marry off. How'd you like another fiancee?"
Ranma-chan's face went white. "We gotta stop her!" she cried.
A moan arose from the back of the gym seating area. "My kiekes!" cried Principal Kuno in a shaking voice, "My lovin' kiekes! You gonna help de ol' man, ain'cha? You gonna give it de good ol' fight, fo de honor and the glory of Furinkan! An' keep de ol' man single, while y'at it, too."
With a sour look, Ranma-chan turned back to Ukyo, saying, "On the other hand, maybe it wouldn't be too much to endure if we 'accidentally' lost."
-------
To Kotet, onstage, Ranma-chan yelled, "Ya said you weren't going to cause any more trouble!"
"Oh, I never said that, young potential son-in-law! I merely said it was time to let my other step-child go!"
"Other?" Ranma-chan jerked to a stop, "...stepchild?"
"Allow me to present my step-daughter, Kidori!"
Primrose stepped forward and performed a graceful bow, the malice in her eyes belying the graciousness of her manners. She sneered loudly, "- Why should I have to repeat myself? I have already defeated all these female 'fighters'! Let them get past my sisters, then I will consider facing them again! -"
"...and also, my sister, Gouman-chan!" Kotet concluded. The dumpy lady beside her bobbed her head energetically, clenching her fists in a victory wave. Off-stage, two pseudo-sumos clapped vigorously.
"And, now," continued Kotet. "I think it is time that I claimed my just due, as a hard-working mother who has had to raise four darling daughters!"
"One of them was a boy!" Ranma-chan yelled.
"All the more sorrow for me!"
"Ya won't get away with this!" cried Ranma-chan, grabbing a tea-kettle and upending it over herself.
"Oh, sure," said the first student. "EVERYBODY has a spare kettle of hot water around for assemblies!"
"We must have tea for the rice cakes," explained the second student, his mouth full of cookie. "Raisin. Have one?"
Ranma, male, hit the stage. "I'm gonna stop ya!" he cried.
"Oh, no, you won't!" replied Kotet. "First technique! Theme song, 'Slip-sliding Away'!" She laughed as she threw a bowl of sesame seed oil onto the planks in Ranma's path. Ranma flailed his way helplessly over the edge of the stage, to disappear with a strange 'plonk' sound.
"That's not fair!" cried Akane, leaping to the stage to confront Kotet.
"Who says this contest is supposed to be fair? We'll ask the referee," Kotet said.
A skinny, bald-headed man, dressed in robes suited for a sumo-match official, emerged from behind the curtains. "She called the theme song!" he said, "In Martial Arts Rockn' Roll, you have to state your theme song! It's either that or sing as you fight, which is a waste of energy, I might say."
The referee placed a crystaline skull on the equipment rack and motioned to Michiro and Guapo. "You two will provide the music!" he stated. "You will start with Bach's Opus Number Nine."
"What do you think we are?" Guapo protested, "Bach isn't Rockn'Roll!"
The ref got in her face. "Lady, you don't pay my salary! And, if you like, we can continue this contest using my own rules and my own choice of music! How about Wagner? I LIKE Wagner!"
The referee turned to Michiro and grasped his collar with one hand. He lifted and growled, "It's all modern noise to me, as far as I'm concerned. Play it!" Raising a hand above his head, he snapped his fingers with the sharp crack of a lightning strike.
The electricity energized Michiro as he dropped back to his chair and grabbed his keyboard. Guapo joined in on muted tympani, and the soft strains of woodwinds and strings floated out over the spellbound audience.
"This is eerie," announced Michiro as his fingers flew across the keys. "Cool as heck, but eerie."
"Yeah," said Guapo, mentally debating the percussive possibilities of waltzing to Wagner. "So that's Bach? On an acid synthesizer?"
"Old head, new tool. I can dig it," said Michiro, positioning the skeleton head for best effect. "Bach to the future."
"Hey, no skulduggery!" called Guapo.
"Where's Ranma?" cried Akane, looking over the edge of the stage.
"Principal Kuno was trying to sneak out, and Ranma landed right on top of him," Nabiki said. "But where did the principal go? There's nothing here but this box. Unless..."
She was interrupted by a sinister laugh. Mara lifted the box and gloated into a small opening, "Now you are my prisoner, you fool! You'll not run off again! This trap is impervious! There is no way out!"
"What have you done?" cried Akane, "Ranma is in that thing, too!"
Mara gasped in dismay. "Oh, no! Muscle-boy? Cutie-Pie?" After a moment, she shrugged. "But, he'll be okay. After all, I have found my own true love. Muscle-boy'll just have to stay in there until I can call for my lock-opener."
"Oh, great," frowned Akane. "You can't open your own locks?"
"Nope. I'm not old enough," Mara stuck out her tongue. "The person who opens the lock must be strong, disciplined, and capable of acting without conscious thought!"
"That certainly leaves you out," Akane said with growing anger. "When WILL you be old enough?"
"In about six months, when this age-spell wears off."
"We can't wait!" Akane prepared a fist, "You'd better open it immediately!"
The Bach rendition ended and the two working members of the Primrose Path swung into Johnny B. Good'. Mara bounced away, snarling incoherently as she danced to the beat.
"I might've known she'd be no help!" Akane growled, "We have to open the trap as soon as possible! Keep trying, I'm going to gain time by fighting them!"
"Looks like somebody beat you to it." Nabiki, who had been watching the stage, drew back in surprise and added, "Now, WHO is that (As if I didn't know)?"
"A jerk in drag," Akane growled.
---------
The captain of the Rhythmic Gymnastics Club came to us with a request. "We want to enter the contest!" said the captain, "But we don't know anything about Rockn'Roll!"
"Got you covered," said Nabiki. "I happen to have several copies of the Rockn'Roll Club's rule-book, 'One Hundred Years of Rock and Roll'."
"This is too convenient," Ukyo noted. "Where did you find these?"
"Where do you think?" smirked Nabiki, "E-bay. Picked 'em up for a song."
HIROSHI:
We had examined the tiny box thoroughly and concluded that there was no way to get it open. The lock to the cage door seemed simple enough - a mere hasp. However, when anyone reached for the hasp, a silvery globe would snap around the catch and keep them from touching it.
"Look on the bright side. It could be worse," I said.
"Yeah? How?"
"At least the principal doesn't have his hair clippers."
"Thanks for little favors," growled Ranma's muffled voice from within the prison. "Get away from me, ya creep! I'll use those little plastic pre-school scissors on you!"
Ukyo glared at the lock balefully, saying, "We have to find someone who is strong, disciplined, and capable of acting without conscious thought!"
"In other words, we need to find a well-trained, headstrong idiot," Nabiki summarized. The idea clicked into being simultaneously in four minds, and we all shouted at the same time, "Kuno!"
"The lesser," Nabiki amended.
ANYTHING BY CAT STEVENS:
Tatewaki, dressed in a long wig and makeup, was trying to convince the referee to let him fight. The referee was having none of it.
"I am capable, disciplined, and a master swordsman without discernable flaw!" cried Tatewaki. "Why do you not allow me to enter the contest?"
"For one thing, if you use a weapon, it must be based on a musical instrument," the referee said, pointing at the bokken and shaking his head.
"For a second thing, you must choose a Rockn'Roll theme song. I've swallowed a bowl of anti-acid, but Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini' just won't hack it! Thirdly, you have to be female!" The referee shook his head and added, "If you are female, I'm going back to my old job, I have to say!"
Thwarted, Tatewaki assumed a posture both noble and tall. He grumbled in a surly tone, "Whilst, like a pufft and reckless libertine, himself the primrose path of dalliance treads! So be it! If music be the food of love, play on!" Turning his head, he added, "I see you lurking, Nabiki Tendo. What is it you want?"
"Oh, nothing, Kuno-baby. Unless you'd care to pick up that magic card without having to qualify for the contest. Free for the taking."
"Humph! You seek to lure me with your dulcet words. And yet, there may be gold among the dross. You may have my attention, if you will answer me this question: Why should you give this to me, freely, when you could have it for yourself? Such a prize would suit your worldly tastes."
"Did I say free? Well, there IS a guard, but he's an old geezer, no match for your weaponry. As to why I don't take it...let's just say I haven't decided that revenge is worth a Mohawk, yet. There is only one little favor I want to ask in return."
As she led Tatewaki away to explain what was going on, the first genuine challenger made her way centerstage. The lights dimmed. The audience hushed. The challenger announced her theme song.
"Shampoo choose...La Bamba!"
There was an immediate uproar from the assembled members of the Furinkan Rockn'Roll Club. "This is an outrage!" cried their leader, "Her weapons are bonbori, not musical instruments!"
"And that is NOT allowed according to our rule book," added a secondary sequined spokesperson as the leader scribbled hurried changes. "It says so here!"
Shampoo held aloft one bonbori and shook it, filling the stage with the rushing sound of many steel ball bearings.
"Maracas," she smiled sweetly.
"I'll allow it!" called the referee.
Loudspeakers boomed Ritchie Valen's 'La Bamba' as Shampoo stalked to the center of the stage, and an angry howl announced Mara's performance of the Mexican Hat Dance.
Shampoo raised her weapons. The challengers chose their spot nearby, seemingly unconcerned as the referee checked the time and announced, "Fight!"
The amazon started to charge the trio but paused, perplexed, at the sight of her three opponents ignoring her and turning to face each other.
"Superior Altitude Attack!" cried Kotet, "Theme song, 'Higher and Higher!'" Juupooku formed the base and hoisted Kotet onto her back, followed by Sakku-chan. With Sakku-chan on her shoulders, Kotet called, "Change theme song to 'Raindrops'!"
Sakku-chan opened a bottle of water and sent the liquid arcing toward Shampoo, who dived out of the way, late a girl and early a cat.
"Mrow!" she cried angrily, but was quickly scooped up and dropped through the stage trap door.
-creak-
-thud- "Mrow?"
-slam-
"Next?" Kotet asked in a saccharine voice.
--------
Grateful villagers surrounded the noble, handsome samurai, who observed their sorry condition from beneath lowered eyelids. He would have to perform an extremely heroic deed to save them from their wretched situation.
"Let me get this straight," Tatewaki said slowly. "My poltroonous father has been locked into an unbreakable cell, where he cannot get out and no one else can get in, and you feel that I am the only person in the entire school capable of freeing him?"
"Yes!" blurted the head of the village, a blunt-spoken, sharp tongued harridan, "You have to open the lock!"
Their discourse was interrupted by a hail from the edge of the crowd, "Come to me, my darling Tatewaki-chan!"
The samurai shivered, despite the warm wind blowing in across the rice. "Methinks I should depart, lest my presence attract unwanted attention," he murmured. "But fear not! I shall, indeed, complete this difficult mission!"
Nabiki could only roll her eyes as she watched him slip away.
--------
"I shall exterminate the vermin!" Kodachi cried, bounding onto the stage.
"Hey, she's not even in this school!" complained one student. He was quickly silenced by another student.
"She's a guest performer," said the other student, who then pointed at Kotet. "Besides, do you want to think of THAT thing accompanying the principal to school on visiting days?"
"Urk," said the first student.
"I have chosen my theme song!" cried Kodachi, as she limbered up with a rolling snap of her ribbons. "You may begin the accompaniment! My song is..."
"Poison Ivy!" roared the student body.
"...how very clever of you to guess," Kodachi smiled as she coiled her ribbons. She blew a kiss of roses to the boys in the front row, stunning those who did not duck in time. To her opponents she gave a cool stare and a haughty sniff.
The referee approached her to say, "Your opponents have entered an objection! They say your weapons are illegal and you should be disqualified. You have to fight with musical instruments. Those are the rules, I must say."
Kodachi frowned over at Juupooku, who was lifting a steel bass as she would an axe. Sakku-chan had prepared a flute to use as a blow-gun.
"I...see," Kodachi mused. "I suppose I shall have to become creative. For the sake of argument, would you mind if I used this roll-up party favor as an impromptu musical instrument?" She blew into the device, which unrolled and whistled, tickling the ref's chin.
"Not at all," sniffed the ref, after a moment of thought. "That could qualify as a weapon of distraction."
Kodachi looked sharply at him and then at the roll-up whistle. She lowered her face to the party favor, took a whiff, jerked back, uncrossed her eyes and shook her head. She wheezed, "Then I can use anything that might make music?"
The referee turned to the Sexy Kunoichi Sisters for their opinion and got a glare in return. "Anything that makes music," he decided.
"Then I'll take my ribbons and my gym clubs," Kodachi said. She produced a set of clubs and started bouncing them off the floor in a staccato beat, while her ribbons hummed a simple melody in tune.
The referee observed the display of dexterity with a critical eye. He wiped away a sheen of sweat and smiled tightly. "I'll allow it!" he called. To the fighters and the audience, he bellowed, "Fight!"
'Poison Ivy' boomed out over the loudspeakers. With a muffled curse, Mara began to dance.
"Defensive theme song! 'Hearts Made of Stone!'" cried Kotet, as she and Sakku-chan huddled behind Juupooku. Juupooku, in turn, drew in her breath and concentrated until she appeared to ossify in place, forming a barrier that Kodachi's clubs and ribbon whips could not penetrate.
Kotet called, from behind the barrier, "Behold our truly inspired invention! We have condensed over ten thousand hours of governmental legislation into an atomizer, which we can project toward anyone we choose! It is a powerful soporific, which will put anyone to sleep! We call it, 'Make the World Go Away'!"
"I won't breath it!" cried Kodachi, "You cannot force me to inhale this noxious perfume!"
"Now, we send forth our most powerful champion! You cannot defeat - Koeda! Look upon her fearsome features and despair!" Sakku-chan, so thin she appeared skeletal, staggered onto the stage under a burden of full samurai armor.
"You think to best me with that piteous creature?" Kodachi laughed, sending chills down the spine of every person in the auditorium who had been out of range of the potent legislative mist. Unfortunately, when she finished laughing she took a breath and fell instantly comatose.
-creak-
-kathud-
"Mraw? My.r.r.r.r.r...Hisss!"
"Silence, you wretched feline! I'm trying to sleep!"
-slam-
--------
They met in secrecy, the samurai and the hapless villager. Desperately, the headmistress elaborated upon the situation, yet her words brought no comfort to the noble samurai.
There were...complications.
The samurai eyed her narrowly and spoke, "And in this same cell has been caught - by pure happenstance - my worst enemy, the cretinous Ranma Saotome. He also cannot get out, in order to fight a duel?"
"Yes, you must hurry!" cried the harried villager.
Before he could discover more, the samurai was interrupted by a distressing hail, "Crush me in your manly arms, my beloved!"
"Anon, I must away!" Tatewaki shivered as he spake, "Yet, how can one mere child cause such consternation? This girl is a demon, I tell you!"
"Funny you should mention that," Nabiki remarked. "But go on, don't let me stop you."
--------
"I guess I'm next!" Ukyo called as she clambered onto the stage. She set herself, bracing for the fight. A shadow, hidden in the glare of spotlights, suddenly flickered to the stage before her.
"Mother! I won't let you hurt my darling Ukyo!" declared Konatsu, alighting between the three ninjas and the okonomyaki chef. His step-mother stopped to regard him, then loosed a knotted kerchief. There was a silverish glint and metal rattled.
"Oh, how careless of me!" said Kotet, "I dropped a five-yen coin! And, there! I dropped a ten-yen coin!"
"And another!" Konatsu gasped at the wealth rolling about as he scrambled to collect the coins, "And another! Why, it's like a trail of coins, leading to..."
-creak-
"...a trap door (oops)."
-thud-
"Myrow!"
-slam-
"Next!" cried Kotet, triumphantly. "Oh, I forgot to call that one! Theme song, 'Pennies from Heaven!'"
"That's not even Rockn'Roll!" cried Ukyo.
"Care to explain that to Mister Bronze Age' over there?" Kotet's face contorted into a grisly grin, "Or would you rather be fighting to March of the Marsupials' by Wagner?"
"Yes! Anything!" Michiro sobbed, listening in horror as his beloved equipment produced a mellow, muted cornet solo. "I can take Bach, but this is Big Band Sound! Let's get something else going! This ain't my gig, Man!"
As she waltzed by with an alarmed Tatewaki struggling in her grasp, Mara called, "It's not Disco, and it's not Rockn'Roll, and I don't care as long as I have my sweetie!"
The president of the Furinkan Rockn'Roll Club dashed up to the referee, who was moving his finger along to the melody as though conducting the orchestra. "We protest!" cried the prez. "This has gone far enough! This is ludicrous! This is NOT Rockn'Roll! We withdraw our sponsorship! (and you can forget our participation to the annual picnic next year!)"
"'Shake, Rattle and Roll'!" Ukyo was moving as she shouted, striking with the unbridled force of a natural disaster, her spatulettes plowing machine-gun gouges in the stage floor, narrowly missing the three kunoichis, herding them toward the rear of the stage. She had them boxed into a corner, whirling her economy-sized industrial-strength spatula for a finishing blow, when mist suddenly swirled about her and she heard a voice.
Ranma's voice.
"My one and only prayer..."
Ukyo found herself strolling along a tiny brook which meandered through a cozy park. Nearby, a familar shape held a microphone and crooned.
"Is that someday you'll care..."
Ukyo's battle glare softened as tears filled her eyes. Ranma's face remained shadowed as he turned, his soft voice teasing her, and she felt her heart thrill with excitement, with love for him. He was hers.
"My hopes, my dreams come true..."
The figure stepped toward her and, though his face was blurred by her tears, she knew him to be her love.
"My one and only you...but it's only..."
At long last. He had come to her. She had won him. Her love. Her hopes, her dreams.
Then Ranma removed the mask and she felt ropes fall about her. Suddenly she was struggling in bonds held by the gargantuan ninja, while the figure of Ranma standing before her resolved into a dumpy matron.
"Advanced kunoichi technique, 'Only make-believe'," announced Kotet with a savage smile. As Michiro belatedly struck up the tune, the creak-slam of a trap-door echoed across the stage.
--------
"So, my worthless father lies trapped in a tiny cell," the handsome samurai summarized the situation, having had his circulation restored after enduring the attentions of the demon-child. "Also trapped is my sworn enemy, the Svengali Ranma Saotome. And you say that if the foul Saotome does not escape and vanquish his competitors, then my father would be forced to marry some horrendous ogre?"
"Yes, yes!" The sharp-tongued headmistress wailed, wringing her hands in abject supplication.
"And I am the only one capable of freeing them..." The noble samurai placed a cool hand upon his furrowed brow.
"I shall have to think about this," he said.
------
"That's it, I have to fight them!" Akane shouted, "There is no one else left!"
Nabiki stopped her and handed her a book with a garishly decorated cover and a tag which read, Nabiki Tendo Enterprises.' "You'll need this," she said. "It's a list of all the possible theme songs you could use."
Akane flipped through the book and frowned. "These are all American songs! Why can't I use a traditional Japanese theme song?"
"Ask him," Nabiki beckoned the referee over, telling him, "My sister wants to use The Riverboat Song'."
"Can't do it!" the referee said. "Too happy. It tells a recognizable story."
"A theme song can't be happy?" Akane sputtered in disbelief.
"In order to qualify, the theme song must be Rockn'Roll! This means incomprehensible lyrics, loud and brash rhythm and it must make absolutely no sense to an adult. I can understand The Riverboat Song'. I can understand The Maiden and the Samurai'. I have wept to the tune of The Chrysanthmum and the Rose'. Therefore, they are disqualified."
"Oh, great! He's making up the rules as we go along!" growled Akane. "What'll I do, now?"
Nabiki had been turning pages. "Here's one," she said, pointing to a title.
"Sixteen Tons?" Akane said, with an expression she might have worn after tasting her own Inquisition Ragu.
"Not legal!" cried the spokesperson for the FR'RC (Furinkan Rockn'Roll Club). "Look! Chapter Twelve, paragraph two, subsection twenty-one! Sixteen Tons' is a folk song! It has a story!"
"I'll allow it!" called the referee. "It has violence in it! That's enough for me, I must say! Ready!" he shouted, and the band played.
Mara danced by, singing, "One fist of iron, the other of steel'!"
The pseudo-sumos appeared, wearing beefy grins and regulation
sumo fighting gear in addition to a single silver beaded glove.
"I'll hit her high!" sang Matsoyorou.
"And I'll hit her low!" replied Tengu.
Starting from opposite curtains, the two massive mountains of muscle (and belly) zeroed in on the girl standing centerstage. There followed the dull angry smack of prizefighters hammering blows into cold beef carcasses suspended from chains in a chill, lonely freezer. A single, pathetic, battered body thudded to the floor and slid into a corner.
And then another battered body.
Akane poised, bouncing lightly on the balls of her feet, facing the Kunoichi siblings and awaiting their next move.
"That went well," said Kotet.
Gouman-chan muttered a brief, scathing description of the pseudo-sumo's martial arts capabilities. "There went twelve months of correspondence course sumo school!" she snarled.
"I only paid for ten months tuition," Kotet responded, checking her bank statement.
"I should have known they would play hooky!" Gouman-chan glared at the two bruised pseudo-sumos, while Mara took advantage of the break in music to slip over to offer condolences.
"Eeeek!" cried a member of the audience, "There's a child on the stage where they are fighting!"
"Oh, no!" Akane exclaimed, grabbing the youngster's hand and dragging her out of danger, "You've got to come away from here!" Feeling an unexpected resistance, she took a second look at the little girl. She was trying to drag the spindly Koeda away, and Koeda was carrying a Ninja All-Purpose Throwing Net (c) which she used to bind Akane. No matter how she fought, the gooey strands held her immoble.
"Theme song, 'Stuck on You'!" Kotet called.
-creak-
-whump-
"Get off of me, you jackass!"
"Well, I'm SORRY! It's not like I had any choice in the matter!"
"Just watch it, okay? Keep looking, Konatsu! There has to be a way out!"
"Miss Ukyo, I'm so terribly sorry! There are too many dummy doors!"
"Myrow?"
"Shaddup, you jackass!"
"Myrow!"
"Well, you aren't helping any!"
-slam-
"I think that takes care of all our worries," said Kotet. Gouman-chan joined her for a victory hug and a wave at the on-lookers. Their celebration was interrupted.
"We challenge you!"
"What's this?" Gouman-chan said, "A girl's glee club?"
"We are the Rhythmic Gymnastics Team of Furinkan and we challenge you!"
"You already said that," the referee mentioned, testily. "Name your theme song!"
"Ah...we choose...we choose..." The head of the team frantically scoured their copy of 100 Years of Rockn'Roll' recently purchased from Nabiki. She finally shouted, "We choose 'Tutti Frutti'!"
"Tooty Fruity?" The Kunoichi Sisters looked at each other in consternation. "A breakfast cereal?"
"Awhopbop-a-bebop-a-whaap-bam-boom," called Michiro, slapping the keyboard with gusto. The resulting crescendo sent Mara cartwheeling across the stage, spitting multiple curses.
"Oh, THAT Tootie Frootie," smiled Kotet.
"An American love song," I remembered out loud. "I used to sing it in the shower."
"Oh, that is all right, Hiroshi-chan," Mom reassured me. "We were able to repair all the cracked tiles."
Mara, whirling to the tutti frutti beat, caromed off Tatewaki, who was pondering weighty variables. Tatewaki's bokken sliced down, severing the lock before the silvery globe could form to block him. There came a sound like the inflation of a liferaft. Two men rolled out onto the auditorium floor, the elder clutching a pair of child's plastic scissors, the younger fending him off in anger.
"I'm free!" laughed Ranma, breaking away and dancing with glee.
"Now we will win!" I called to the Kunoichi Sisters on stage, "Ranma is unbeatable!"
"Unless..." Daisuke said in a thoughtful voice.
"Unless?" I regarded him with apprehension.
Daisuke raised a forefinger. "To enter the contest, Ranma must fight in his female form. Unfortunately, while he is female he does not have as much strength, and his opponents are formidable."
There was a muffled bell as the fire alarm malfunctioned. Again. The brief spray was centered on Ranma. "You did that on purpose!" shrilled the petite redhead.
"And then there is his fear of cats," continued Daisuke, raising his index finger to point out the obvious. Shampoo uttered a solitary yowl as she struggled out from beneath the stage.
"Ca...ca..." Ranma-chan stiffened and edged away, forgetting momentarily about Tatewaki.
"My love!" Kuno cried, "You are here to cheer me on in my heroic effort to save the school!" With that he accomplished a roundhouse, around the bosom glomp. Ranma-chan glowed in anger and prepared to pound him.
Daisuke held up a third finger and said, "Not to mention the fact that he can be taken down any day of the week if he acts up in school."
Miss Hinako, accompanied by Soun, rushed into the auditorium. She took note of the two combatants and shrieked, "Delinquents!" Resolutely, she removed a ring from her right hand and sighted through it.
"Eeep!" cried both Kuno and Ranma-chan, as they were drained of their fighting chi.
"You had to mention it, didn't you?" I groaned.
"You boys want to give up while we are ahead?" came a raspy voice. The step-mother, the two step-sisters, and the thing that had been Kidori moved forward on the stage.
"Now, I think we are in trouble," Daisuke whispered. As I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, I had to agree.
End: Chapter Sixteen
Confessions: I do apologize for inclusion of the song, "Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini," since it has become such an overused cliche for bad music that everyone cringes whenever they hear it mentioned. Which is why I mentioned it. Of course, not all the tunes included in this tale are pure Rock'n Roll. Hey, you actually expected a competition in Ranma to be fair?
Partial list of name-droppings:Black Magic Woman, by Santana.
Hair, sung by the cast.
I Can't Get No Satisfaction, sung by the Rolling Stones
She's Not There, sung by the Zombies
Slip-sliding Away, sung by Simon and Garfunkel.
Bach's Opus Number Nine, performed by Your Imagination.
Johnny B. Good, sung by Chuck Berry
La Bamba, sung by Ritchie Valens.
Poison Ivy, sung by the Coasters.
Higher and Higher, sung by Jackie Wilson
Raindrops, sung by Dee Clark.
Hearts Made of Stone, sung by (can't remember)
Make the World Go Away, sung by Eddy Arnold.
Pennies from Heaven, played by The Orchestra in Your Mind
March of the Marsupials, by Wallaby Wagner.
Only Make-Believe, sung by Conway Twitty.
Sixteen Tons, sung by Tennessee Ernie Ford.
Stuck on You, sung by Elvis Presley.
Tutti Frutti, sung by Little Richard.