Chapter 21 Taking the Vulture by the Wings
Lily and James jumped apart with a speed that would have been remarkable if they had stopped to think about it, guilty, embarrassed expressions on both of their faces. In front of them stood Professor McGonagall, hands on hips, one foot tapping impatiently.
"Professor! It's excellent that you're here!" James had no idea what was coming out of his mouth. "Perhaps you can settle a little disagreement Miss Evans and I were having. For that essay you assigned us, did you say compare Transfiguring a BALACLAVA to a bucket or a BAKLAVA - " James broke off at the murderous glare Professor McGonagall shot his way.
"Do not try my patience further, Potter. I'm waiting to hear your explanation."
"We - we - were just - "
"Just WHAT, Mr. Potter?" McGonagall demanded, hands on hips. "You were just looking for rule-breakers behind Miss Evans' tonsils?"
Both students blushed furiously at that remark. But Professor McGonagall had not paused and was now delivering a blistering lecture, elaborating extensively on the ways, reasons, and extent to which they had disappointed her.
Finally, she assigned them each detentions - "SEPARATE detentions!" - and sent them off to Gryffindor Tower; she had lectured them through the rest of their patrol.
"I hope I have managed to impress upon you how very disappointing I find your behavior," McGonagall finished up. "As Head students, it is your responsibility to set a good example for the rest of the school and, most importantly, not to abuse your privileges."
"Uh, Professor?" James, who had been silent throughout the lecture, spoke up.
"What is it, Potter?" McGonagall seemed a bit suspicious and more than a bit annoyed to be interrupted in the middle of her moral treatise.
"I'm not being disrespectful, really I'm not. I honestly just want to know if you said 'balaclava' or 'bak - '"
"POTTER!" McGonagall's look told James it was time to beat a hasty retreat, which he and Lily did without any further ado.
Lily could never remember being so embarrassed; her face had to be redder than her hair by now. Professor McGonagall, of all people, had caught them snogging. She'd probably never be able to look her in the face again.
Glancing over at James, Lily saw that not only was James not as mortified as she was but he was actually grinning. Catching her gaze, James, to Lily's horror and amazement, chuckled.
"What exactly, Potter, is so amusing to you? We, the Head Boy and Girl, just got caught snogging in the corridor we were supposed to be patrolling by our Head of House, also just happens to be the most uptight professor in the entire school." Lily paused for a moment, letting her words sink in, and finally chanced a glance at James, who was trying desperately not to laugh aloud.
"All right, it IS a bit funny," Lily conceded grudgingly, smiling in spite of herself.
"More than a bit funny," James had started to laugh.
"Maybe later it'll be more than a bit funny. Right now I'm too embarrassed to fully appreciate the humor." Lily blushed a bit more, recalling what had happened.
"Guess this means no more snogging on the job, then," James said after a moment.
"Guess so," Lily tried to sound nonchalant. She'd just KNOWN that he wouldn't want her anymore after he knew he could have her. Somehow being right wasn't as satisfying as she'd thought it would be.
James, fidgeting agitatedly while his insides churned in anticipation of his next question, finally got out: "What about off the job?"
"Huh?" Lily hadn't been expecting that.
"D'you want to meet me in the common room round five tomorrow? We can hang about for a bit and then go down to dinner together," James took a deep breath and looked at Lily instead of his shoes.
"No," Lily said quickly. Her insides had frozen at the very thought. "I mean, that is, why don't we just meet later by that statue of Gregory the Smarmy on the fifth floor? No one'll look there."
There was a deafening pause that seemed to stretch out for an indeterminable amount of time. Finally, James sighed. "Let me just make sure I have this straight. I'm good enough to snog in dark corners but when it comes to being with me in public, forget it?"
"No," Lily protested, shocked. Was that really what he thought of her? "No, that isn't it at all."
"Then what is it?" James ran both hands through his hair, frustrated. "Why are you so afraid to even give a relationship a try? Or is it just that you don't want one?" James held his breath, waiting.
"I - I don't know what I want," Lily answered miserably. "I don't know if I'm ready for this, any of it."
Look, Lily," James was more serious than she'd ever seen him. "I'm not looking for some kind of secret snogging partner I can sneak off into dark corners with. It's different with you. I want to have it all with you, and even though the very idea of not seeing you again makes me sick, I don't want anything to do with you unless you feel the same."
With that, James strode off ahead, not looking back, leaving a stunned Lily in his wake.
Lily stopped altogether, leaning against the wall of the corridor, tears welling up in her eyes. She'd never been more confused in her life. She'd told James that she didn't know what she wanted, and that was true. She really and truly didn't know, and he'd been right when he'd said she was scared. This whole thing was new and completely unexpected and scary as hell. Did she want to be with James Potter, to go out on dates with him and hold hands and eat dinner with him and maybe someday meet his family and have him meet hers? She stood there for quite some time, too tired and confused and preoccupied to go back to her dormitory, determinedly wiping away the tears that kept forming in her eyes.
Finally Lily made her way to Gryffindor Tower. Just as she'd expected, James was nowhere to be seen in the common room, but she was disappointed anyway. Sighing, Lily climbed the stairs to her dormitory, stopping just outside to compose herself.
Muffled footsteps behind her caused Lily to turn, bringing her face to face with a flushed, ever so slightly disheveled Alice.
"Lily!" Alice exclaimed. "I - er - I was just coming back, lost track of the time - Why, Lily, what's wrong?"
And suddenly, without intending to at all, Lily found herself blurting out the entire story to her friend. Alice listened attentively, not saying anything until Lily had finished.
"Is it true, what James thinks? Do you only want a snogging partner?" Alice asked.
"I don't know!" Lily exclaimed, throwing up her hands. "I don't know anything! I didn't even want to like him, let alone any of this."
"I don't see why it would be such a bad thing. Fancying James Potter, I mean," Alice mused, leaning her chin on her hand. "He's handsome, brilliant, charming in his own arrogant way, a fantastic Quidditch player, and has proved himself to be a pretty decent bloke. Plus, he's been head over heels in love with you for years."
"I don't know if I want a relationship with him, but I do realize all of those things," Lily rubbed her eyes tiredly.
"Just take some time to think it over," Alice advised. "You don't have to make up your mind this minute."
* * *
As it happened, Lily did have plenty of time to think her relationship with James over during that next week because James was avoiding her. He didn't stop to talk to her after class or at meals and he'd virtually given up eye contact with her. On their nightly patrols, which both of them had used to look forward to, he said only what was necessary, which made the time pass unbelievably slowly.
Lily found that she missed James a little. She missed their conversations and the way he tried to make her laugh and she definitely missed kissing him. But she didn't exactly know what to do about any of these things anyway; she was still confused and more than a little apprehensive. And she hadn't decided how far she wanted this thing with James to go.
* * *
James was avoiding Lily like he'd decided he needed to do, but he was also fairly certain that it was killing him.
He'd never been more miserable in his life; just when he'd thought things were finally going to work out with Lily, everything came crashing down round his ears. He wanted so badly for it to happen, but if Lily didn't want it to, it couldn't. And James knew he'd never be satisfied with some sort of partners-in-snogging arrangement. Lily meant too much to him for that.
Sirius, being the brilliant best friend that he was, rose to the occasion and made many admirable attempts to cheer James up. Remus and Peter pitched in as well, and the recently-dispersed Marauders came back together with a vengeance, all of them realizing how devastated James was. So the Marauders spent Sunday night barricaded in their room with a mountain of Honeyduke's candy, just like old times.
Remus' relationship seemed to be going smoothly, at least; he and Kathleen had reached the stage where they referred to one another as their boyfriend or girlfriend and Remus was clearly elated about this, even though he was making an effort not to talk too much about his successful romance in James' presence.
Peter remained close-mouthed about where exactly he'd been disappearing to of late; Sirius later said to James that this must mean Peter had found a girl at last and she must be dead ugly for Peter to be so quiet about it. James found that he agreed with Sirius, though not about the ugly part; Peter seemed more mature somehow, and happier; clearly his secret pleased him a great deal. But whatever it was, Peter wasn't sharing.
Sirius and his harem continued very much as usual; he still could find a willing, no ecstatic, girl every time he was so inclined and seemed quite content with this arrangement. Privately he didn't envy his friends their tangled love lives and wondered why they didn't want a system like he had.
The Marauders stayed up quite late, catching up with each others' lives and assessing James' situation and talking excitedly about next weekend's Quidditch match.
"Y'know, Prongs," Sirius said suddenly in the middle of a discussion about the merits (or lack thereof) of the Ravenclaw Keeper, "When all of this Quidditch pressure is over, we should play a prank, the four of us. Just like old times."
"Padfoot," James began, not for the first time, to remind his friend. "I told you, now that I'm Head Boy I have to be a bit more respectable. Besides, I'm already on McGonagall's shit list after this latest snogging episode."
"But you'll be off of it after we win on Saturday," Sirius pointed out temptingly. "And we haven't played a single practical joke all year."
"C'mon, Prongs," Peter urged. "It'll be fun."
"Padfoot's right, Prongs," Remus of all people put in. "Live a bit; your Head Boyship can withstand a few pranks. I've managed to stay Prefect, after all."
"If Moony's telling me to live a bit I must be really bad off," James grinned. "All right, I'm game."
The rest of the Marauders' night was devoted to planning their latest practical joke, and James finally felt himself beginning to cheer up a bit.
* * *
Lily checked her wristwatch, grimaced, and began to walk a bit faster. She could NOT be late for Dumbledore's special meeting that she'd been excused from detention early for. Really she couldn't imagine what it would be about; they'd had the weekly Prefect meeting only the night before. Lily only hoped this meeting wouldn't be like the last one Dumbledore had attended.
Reaching the anteroom, Lily slid into a chair just as the clock chimed seven. Seeing that everyone was now present, Dumbledore rose from his chair to address the room.
"I know you are all busy and that even if you weren't, attending this meeting would not be your choice of activities, so I will keep this as brief as possible." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "All of the extra patrols that have been in effect are canceled, and we will begin our regular patrol schedule immediately." Cheers and applause filled the room, all of the exhausted Prefects grateful for the reprieve.
"The problem that made the extra patrols necessary has been dealt with," Professor Dumbledore continued after the tumultuous response had died down. "I want to thank you all for rising so admirably to the occasion. You are all dismissed with the exception of our Head Boy and Girl, whom I wish to have a word with; I hope you will all get some much-deserved rest."
The Prefects filed out of the room, still talking excitedly, and Lily and James lingered, avidly curious to hear what Dumbledore had to say.
"What's happened, Professor?" Lily asked as soon as the room was empty.
"I have had it from an extremely reliable source that the attack on Hogsmeade will not be taking place," Dumbledore answered mildly. "I'm afraid that the threat to Hogwarts will never be completely lifted as long as Voldemort and his supporters are at large, but it has been sufficiently lessened, shall we say."
"How do you know the attack has really been stopped?" James asked, brow furrowed.
"I trust my source," Dumbledore said simply. "I'm afraid that is the only answer I can give you."
* * *
Saturday, the day of the first Quidditch match of the season, had arrived, and apart from the reduced patrol schedule, not much had changed since the previous weekend. James continued to avoid Lily, Lily continued to be confused about James, Remus and Kathleen continued to get on, and Frank and Alice continued to be almost nauseating in their affection, or nauseating to Lily, at any rate.
Frank and Alice actually weren't nauseating at all as a rule; Lily just found herself lately to be irrationally irritated with any happy couple, and Frank and Alice were the poster children of happy couplehood. Privately Lily was glad that Frank had taken over the Keeper's position on the Gryffindor team this year; it meant she wouldn't have to watch him and Alice together at today's game.
Lily had been watching James clandestinely out of the corner of her eye all throughout breakfast. He had that intense look of concentration he always wore before a Quidditch match but underneath it all he seemed as thoroughly unhappy as she was. Lily sighed, wondering how she could fix this mess she had made.
* * *
The habits of six years of adoration die hard; much as James wished otherwise, he couldn't help but glance occasionally at Lily. She looked almost as unhappy as he felt, and James' stomach lurched. He wanted to go to her and make this whole thing easier, but he knew that she had to make the first move, that she had to want this as much as he did. But the suspense was keeping him up at night and twisting him into knots.
As James rose from the table, his eyes met Lily's for the barest instant, bringing the flip-flop to his stomach that was actually a bit painful this time. James tore his eyes away and, sighing, set out for a Quidditch match with less enthusiasm than he had in his entire life.
* * *
Lily, sitting with Alice, Morwenna, Kathleen, Remus, and Peter, spent nearly the entire Quidditch match watching James instead of the Quidditch. But she noticed that he didn't glance over at her as he often did, not even once. Why did James' silent treatment upset her so much, Lily wondered. No, she amended, she'd been upset long before the silent treatment started. James Potter had been causing her anxiety since she was eleven years old.
"Excellent move there by Gryffindor Beater Black," Ludo Bagman commented as Sirius diverted a Bludger toward a Ravenclaw Chaser attempting to score. "Gryffindor is once again in possession of the Quaffle."
Lily applauded along with the rest of the Gryfifndor supports, albeit much less enthusiastically. However, when Lily remained passive after two Gryffindor goals, Dorcas' close encounter with a Bludger, and a failed attempt to capture the Snitch, Alice decided it was time to speak up.
"You know Lils," Alice leaned over to whisper to Lily after the third Gryffindor goal she had all but ignored, "if you're waiting to not be scared before entering a relationship, you'll be waiting forever. Relationships are scary things no matter who they're with. You just have to decide if the good things about the other person outweigh the fear and if you decide they do, that getting to know them is more important to you than being afraid, then you just have to face your fear and take the dragon by the tail because that fear isn't going to go away."
"You mean your fear of having a relationship with Frank hasn't gone away after all this time?" Lily asked, shocked.
"Oh, it has," Alice reassured her. "But the old fears have just been replaced with new ones. Take my fear of Frank's mother, for example."
"Well, she IS a bit scary," Lily admitted.
"Frank says she only seems that way at first, that she's actually very nice underneath it," Alice seemed doubtful.
"Mrs. Longbottom is definitely intimidating, but are you sure it's Frank's mum that scares you and not what meeting her represents?" Lily asked knowingly. "After all, meeting the other person's family does usually mean things are rather serious."
"No, Frank's mum definitely scares me, but you may be right about my being scared of getting too serious," Alice admitted. "In some ways I feel as though I'm not ready to be so serious."
"Maybe we both ought to take your advice," Lily suggested lightly. "Just decide whether or not it's worth it and then take the vulture by the wings, so to speak."
"Yeah," Alice agreed thoughtfully.
Although it was a very exciting match and Gryffindor played as excellently as usual, both Lily and Alice were silent for most of the rest of the game.
* * *
Lily continued to watch James, fighting an inner battle with herself, which she seemed to do fairly often lately. Would a relationship with him be worth all of the craziness and frustration, and most of all, would it be worth conquering the cold fear in the pit of her stomach for?
She fancied him, loved kissing him, enjoyed spending time with him as a person. She wanted to be with him, she might as well admit it to herself if not anyone else. But were all of these things important enough to her to face her fears and take her own personal vulture by the wings? And if she did decide to, would she have the guts to go through with it?
Then a funny thing happened.
As she watched James play, Lily began to remember all of the things she liked about James and all of the things she didn't, small, insignificant details or otherwise, like his bravery and honesty and unexpected kindness, the way he was so considerate of her always and kissed her like there was no one else in the world he'd rather be kissing. And then Lily knew that she wanted to find out everything else there was to know about James Potter. She'd like some of those things and would dislike others, but she wanted to know what those things were. She wanted to know James.
Lily was shaken out of her reverie when she noticed everyone else was standing. "What happened?" she called up to Alice.
"We won the game," Alice said distractedly, clapping along absentmindedly. She hesitated for a moment, then said: "I think I'm going to go and find Frank. I have to tell him that I want to meet his mum at Christmas." Alice suddenly smiled, giddy with relief.
"You look like there's someone you want to go and find as well," Alice teased.
"Yeah," Lily answered, feeling a smile spread across her face. "Yeah there is, actually."
"Well good luck," Alice squeezed her friend's hand. "I'll see you later, shall I?"
"Definitely," Lily squeezed Alice's hand back. "Good luck to you too." Lily watched Alice disappear into the crowd before setting off herself.
It was time to take her own vulture by the wings.
* * *
James stood on the pitch surrounded by his exuberant teammates and a crowd of well-wishers who had begun to trickle onto the field. He felt much less joyous than he generally did after winning a match, accepting congratulations almost automatically.
Feeling an elbow in his ribs, James glanced round at Sirius, who nodded toward the crowd streaming from the stands. And James saw Lily, coming toward him with a determined expression on her face. James sighed, bracing himself for the confrontation.
Suddenly, unexpectedly, Lily's face broke into a dazzling smile as she caught sight of him, moving ever closer. James, undone as always by Lily's smile, couldn't help but grin in return, his eyes locked with hers.
Then Lily was in front of him, and without any further warning, she wrapped her arms round his neck and began kissing him, right there on the Quidditch pitch, in front of everybody.
Around him, James was vaguely aware that his teammates, led by Sirius, were clapping and cheering, but he was too surprised by this unexpected turn of events to do anything more than wrap his arms round Lily and kiss her back like she was kissing him, like nothing else mattered.
After a couple of minutes, Lily and James finally moved apart, both grinning widely. "Is this your way of telling me that you've changed your mind about us?" James asked, his heart in his throat.
"That's exactly what I'm telling you," Lily answered, smiling that breathtaking smile again. "But, is this still what you want?"
"I've been waiting for this since the first time I saw you," James replied softly, meaning it.
Hand in hand, Lily and James made their way across the Quidditch pitch to the castle. This wasn't so very horrible really, Lily reflected. Sure, it was still a bit frightening, more than a bit actually, but Alice had been right; the good things were more important than the fear.
She just hoped she was ready for this.
* * *
Author's Note: Here's the new chapter as promised. Yay for the 300 review mark! Special thanks go out to sweetkatt, Bella Lestrange, Willow23, snickerdoodle, TheSecretCharacter, danielle, Leiliana, fyresdestiny, Ronald's Girl, Sirius-Ella, a person (please don't slam your ears in an oven!), LavenderBrown, witch@heart, lilynjamesAAF, blazed sorceress, surrounded by fog, and Xaviera. More to come on the Hogsmeade attacks, Marauders' pranks, and of course, more Lily and James. And in answer to the question from witch@heart, I'm not sure how far this story will go. If people are willing to read and review I'll keep writing; would people be interested in reading this story all the way to Lily and James' deaths?
Thank you to everyone for reviewing!
Lily and James jumped apart with a speed that would have been remarkable if they had stopped to think about it, guilty, embarrassed expressions on both of their faces. In front of them stood Professor McGonagall, hands on hips, one foot tapping impatiently.
"Professor! It's excellent that you're here!" James had no idea what was coming out of his mouth. "Perhaps you can settle a little disagreement Miss Evans and I were having. For that essay you assigned us, did you say compare Transfiguring a BALACLAVA to a bucket or a BAKLAVA - " James broke off at the murderous glare Professor McGonagall shot his way.
"Do not try my patience further, Potter. I'm waiting to hear your explanation."
"We - we - were just - "
"Just WHAT, Mr. Potter?" McGonagall demanded, hands on hips. "You were just looking for rule-breakers behind Miss Evans' tonsils?"
Both students blushed furiously at that remark. But Professor McGonagall had not paused and was now delivering a blistering lecture, elaborating extensively on the ways, reasons, and extent to which they had disappointed her.
Finally, she assigned them each detentions - "SEPARATE detentions!" - and sent them off to Gryffindor Tower; she had lectured them through the rest of their patrol.
"I hope I have managed to impress upon you how very disappointing I find your behavior," McGonagall finished up. "As Head students, it is your responsibility to set a good example for the rest of the school and, most importantly, not to abuse your privileges."
"Uh, Professor?" James, who had been silent throughout the lecture, spoke up.
"What is it, Potter?" McGonagall seemed a bit suspicious and more than a bit annoyed to be interrupted in the middle of her moral treatise.
"I'm not being disrespectful, really I'm not. I honestly just want to know if you said 'balaclava' or 'bak - '"
"POTTER!" McGonagall's look told James it was time to beat a hasty retreat, which he and Lily did without any further ado.
Lily could never remember being so embarrassed; her face had to be redder than her hair by now. Professor McGonagall, of all people, had caught them snogging. She'd probably never be able to look her in the face again.
Glancing over at James, Lily saw that not only was James not as mortified as she was but he was actually grinning. Catching her gaze, James, to Lily's horror and amazement, chuckled.
"What exactly, Potter, is so amusing to you? We, the Head Boy and Girl, just got caught snogging in the corridor we were supposed to be patrolling by our Head of House, also just happens to be the most uptight professor in the entire school." Lily paused for a moment, letting her words sink in, and finally chanced a glance at James, who was trying desperately not to laugh aloud.
"All right, it IS a bit funny," Lily conceded grudgingly, smiling in spite of herself.
"More than a bit funny," James had started to laugh.
"Maybe later it'll be more than a bit funny. Right now I'm too embarrassed to fully appreciate the humor." Lily blushed a bit more, recalling what had happened.
"Guess this means no more snogging on the job, then," James said after a moment.
"Guess so," Lily tried to sound nonchalant. She'd just KNOWN that he wouldn't want her anymore after he knew he could have her. Somehow being right wasn't as satisfying as she'd thought it would be.
James, fidgeting agitatedly while his insides churned in anticipation of his next question, finally got out: "What about off the job?"
"Huh?" Lily hadn't been expecting that.
"D'you want to meet me in the common room round five tomorrow? We can hang about for a bit and then go down to dinner together," James took a deep breath and looked at Lily instead of his shoes.
"No," Lily said quickly. Her insides had frozen at the very thought. "I mean, that is, why don't we just meet later by that statue of Gregory the Smarmy on the fifth floor? No one'll look there."
There was a deafening pause that seemed to stretch out for an indeterminable amount of time. Finally, James sighed. "Let me just make sure I have this straight. I'm good enough to snog in dark corners but when it comes to being with me in public, forget it?"
"No," Lily protested, shocked. Was that really what he thought of her? "No, that isn't it at all."
"Then what is it?" James ran both hands through his hair, frustrated. "Why are you so afraid to even give a relationship a try? Or is it just that you don't want one?" James held his breath, waiting.
"I - I don't know what I want," Lily answered miserably. "I don't know if I'm ready for this, any of it."
Look, Lily," James was more serious than she'd ever seen him. "I'm not looking for some kind of secret snogging partner I can sneak off into dark corners with. It's different with you. I want to have it all with you, and even though the very idea of not seeing you again makes me sick, I don't want anything to do with you unless you feel the same."
With that, James strode off ahead, not looking back, leaving a stunned Lily in his wake.
Lily stopped altogether, leaning against the wall of the corridor, tears welling up in her eyes. She'd never been more confused in her life. She'd told James that she didn't know what she wanted, and that was true. She really and truly didn't know, and he'd been right when he'd said she was scared. This whole thing was new and completely unexpected and scary as hell. Did she want to be with James Potter, to go out on dates with him and hold hands and eat dinner with him and maybe someday meet his family and have him meet hers? She stood there for quite some time, too tired and confused and preoccupied to go back to her dormitory, determinedly wiping away the tears that kept forming in her eyes.
Finally Lily made her way to Gryffindor Tower. Just as she'd expected, James was nowhere to be seen in the common room, but she was disappointed anyway. Sighing, Lily climbed the stairs to her dormitory, stopping just outside to compose herself.
Muffled footsteps behind her caused Lily to turn, bringing her face to face with a flushed, ever so slightly disheveled Alice.
"Lily!" Alice exclaimed. "I - er - I was just coming back, lost track of the time - Why, Lily, what's wrong?"
And suddenly, without intending to at all, Lily found herself blurting out the entire story to her friend. Alice listened attentively, not saying anything until Lily had finished.
"Is it true, what James thinks? Do you only want a snogging partner?" Alice asked.
"I don't know!" Lily exclaimed, throwing up her hands. "I don't know anything! I didn't even want to like him, let alone any of this."
"I don't see why it would be such a bad thing. Fancying James Potter, I mean," Alice mused, leaning her chin on her hand. "He's handsome, brilliant, charming in his own arrogant way, a fantastic Quidditch player, and has proved himself to be a pretty decent bloke. Plus, he's been head over heels in love with you for years."
"I don't know if I want a relationship with him, but I do realize all of those things," Lily rubbed her eyes tiredly.
"Just take some time to think it over," Alice advised. "You don't have to make up your mind this minute."
* * *
As it happened, Lily did have plenty of time to think her relationship with James over during that next week because James was avoiding her. He didn't stop to talk to her after class or at meals and he'd virtually given up eye contact with her. On their nightly patrols, which both of them had used to look forward to, he said only what was necessary, which made the time pass unbelievably slowly.
Lily found that she missed James a little. She missed their conversations and the way he tried to make her laugh and she definitely missed kissing him. But she didn't exactly know what to do about any of these things anyway; she was still confused and more than a little apprehensive. And she hadn't decided how far she wanted this thing with James to go.
* * *
James was avoiding Lily like he'd decided he needed to do, but he was also fairly certain that it was killing him.
He'd never been more miserable in his life; just when he'd thought things were finally going to work out with Lily, everything came crashing down round his ears. He wanted so badly for it to happen, but if Lily didn't want it to, it couldn't. And James knew he'd never be satisfied with some sort of partners-in-snogging arrangement. Lily meant too much to him for that.
Sirius, being the brilliant best friend that he was, rose to the occasion and made many admirable attempts to cheer James up. Remus and Peter pitched in as well, and the recently-dispersed Marauders came back together with a vengeance, all of them realizing how devastated James was. So the Marauders spent Sunday night barricaded in their room with a mountain of Honeyduke's candy, just like old times.
Remus' relationship seemed to be going smoothly, at least; he and Kathleen had reached the stage where they referred to one another as their boyfriend or girlfriend and Remus was clearly elated about this, even though he was making an effort not to talk too much about his successful romance in James' presence.
Peter remained close-mouthed about where exactly he'd been disappearing to of late; Sirius later said to James that this must mean Peter had found a girl at last and she must be dead ugly for Peter to be so quiet about it. James found that he agreed with Sirius, though not about the ugly part; Peter seemed more mature somehow, and happier; clearly his secret pleased him a great deal. But whatever it was, Peter wasn't sharing.
Sirius and his harem continued very much as usual; he still could find a willing, no ecstatic, girl every time he was so inclined and seemed quite content with this arrangement. Privately he didn't envy his friends their tangled love lives and wondered why they didn't want a system like he had.
The Marauders stayed up quite late, catching up with each others' lives and assessing James' situation and talking excitedly about next weekend's Quidditch match.
"Y'know, Prongs," Sirius said suddenly in the middle of a discussion about the merits (or lack thereof) of the Ravenclaw Keeper, "When all of this Quidditch pressure is over, we should play a prank, the four of us. Just like old times."
"Padfoot," James began, not for the first time, to remind his friend. "I told you, now that I'm Head Boy I have to be a bit more respectable. Besides, I'm already on McGonagall's shit list after this latest snogging episode."
"But you'll be off of it after we win on Saturday," Sirius pointed out temptingly. "And we haven't played a single practical joke all year."
"C'mon, Prongs," Peter urged. "It'll be fun."
"Padfoot's right, Prongs," Remus of all people put in. "Live a bit; your Head Boyship can withstand a few pranks. I've managed to stay Prefect, after all."
"If Moony's telling me to live a bit I must be really bad off," James grinned. "All right, I'm game."
The rest of the Marauders' night was devoted to planning their latest practical joke, and James finally felt himself beginning to cheer up a bit.
* * *
Lily checked her wristwatch, grimaced, and began to walk a bit faster. She could NOT be late for Dumbledore's special meeting that she'd been excused from detention early for. Really she couldn't imagine what it would be about; they'd had the weekly Prefect meeting only the night before. Lily only hoped this meeting wouldn't be like the last one Dumbledore had attended.
Reaching the anteroom, Lily slid into a chair just as the clock chimed seven. Seeing that everyone was now present, Dumbledore rose from his chair to address the room.
"I know you are all busy and that even if you weren't, attending this meeting would not be your choice of activities, so I will keep this as brief as possible." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "All of the extra patrols that have been in effect are canceled, and we will begin our regular patrol schedule immediately." Cheers and applause filled the room, all of the exhausted Prefects grateful for the reprieve.
"The problem that made the extra patrols necessary has been dealt with," Professor Dumbledore continued after the tumultuous response had died down. "I want to thank you all for rising so admirably to the occasion. You are all dismissed with the exception of our Head Boy and Girl, whom I wish to have a word with; I hope you will all get some much-deserved rest."
The Prefects filed out of the room, still talking excitedly, and Lily and James lingered, avidly curious to hear what Dumbledore had to say.
"What's happened, Professor?" Lily asked as soon as the room was empty.
"I have had it from an extremely reliable source that the attack on Hogsmeade will not be taking place," Dumbledore answered mildly. "I'm afraid that the threat to Hogwarts will never be completely lifted as long as Voldemort and his supporters are at large, but it has been sufficiently lessened, shall we say."
"How do you know the attack has really been stopped?" James asked, brow furrowed.
"I trust my source," Dumbledore said simply. "I'm afraid that is the only answer I can give you."
* * *
Saturday, the day of the first Quidditch match of the season, had arrived, and apart from the reduced patrol schedule, not much had changed since the previous weekend. James continued to avoid Lily, Lily continued to be confused about James, Remus and Kathleen continued to get on, and Frank and Alice continued to be almost nauseating in their affection, or nauseating to Lily, at any rate.
Frank and Alice actually weren't nauseating at all as a rule; Lily just found herself lately to be irrationally irritated with any happy couple, and Frank and Alice were the poster children of happy couplehood. Privately Lily was glad that Frank had taken over the Keeper's position on the Gryffindor team this year; it meant she wouldn't have to watch him and Alice together at today's game.
Lily had been watching James clandestinely out of the corner of her eye all throughout breakfast. He had that intense look of concentration he always wore before a Quidditch match but underneath it all he seemed as thoroughly unhappy as she was. Lily sighed, wondering how she could fix this mess she had made.
* * *
The habits of six years of adoration die hard; much as James wished otherwise, he couldn't help but glance occasionally at Lily. She looked almost as unhappy as he felt, and James' stomach lurched. He wanted to go to her and make this whole thing easier, but he knew that she had to make the first move, that she had to want this as much as he did. But the suspense was keeping him up at night and twisting him into knots.
As James rose from the table, his eyes met Lily's for the barest instant, bringing the flip-flop to his stomach that was actually a bit painful this time. James tore his eyes away and, sighing, set out for a Quidditch match with less enthusiasm than he had in his entire life.
* * *
Lily, sitting with Alice, Morwenna, Kathleen, Remus, and Peter, spent nearly the entire Quidditch match watching James instead of the Quidditch. But she noticed that he didn't glance over at her as he often did, not even once. Why did James' silent treatment upset her so much, Lily wondered. No, she amended, she'd been upset long before the silent treatment started. James Potter had been causing her anxiety since she was eleven years old.
"Excellent move there by Gryffindor Beater Black," Ludo Bagman commented as Sirius diverted a Bludger toward a Ravenclaw Chaser attempting to score. "Gryffindor is once again in possession of the Quaffle."
Lily applauded along with the rest of the Gryfifndor supports, albeit much less enthusiastically. However, when Lily remained passive after two Gryffindor goals, Dorcas' close encounter with a Bludger, and a failed attempt to capture the Snitch, Alice decided it was time to speak up.
"You know Lils," Alice leaned over to whisper to Lily after the third Gryffindor goal she had all but ignored, "if you're waiting to not be scared before entering a relationship, you'll be waiting forever. Relationships are scary things no matter who they're with. You just have to decide if the good things about the other person outweigh the fear and if you decide they do, that getting to know them is more important to you than being afraid, then you just have to face your fear and take the dragon by the tail because that fear isn't going to go away."
"You mean your fear of having a relationship with Frank hasn't gone away after all this time?" Lily asked, shocked.
"Oh, it has," Alice reassured her. "But the old fears have just been replaced with new ones. Take my fear of Frank's mother, for example."
"Well, she IS a bit scary," Lily admitted.
"Frank says she only seems that way at first, that she's actually very nice underneath it," Alice seemed doubtful.
"Mrs. Longbottom is definitely intimidating, but are you sure it's Frank's mum that scares you and not what meeting her represents?" Lily asked knowingly. "After all, meeting the other person's family does usually mean things are rather serious."
"No, Frank's mum definitely scares me, but you may be right about my being scared of getting too serious," Alice admitted. "In some ways I feel as though I'm not ready to be so serious."
"Maybe we both ought to take your advice," Lily suggested lightly. "Just decide whether or not it's worth it and then take the vulture by the wings, so to speak."
"Yeah," Alice agreed thoughtfully.
Although it was a very exciting match and Gryffindor played as excellently as usual, both Lily and Alice were silent for most of the rest of the game.
* * *
Lily continued to watch James, fighting an inner battle with herself, which she seemed to do fairly often lately. Would a relationship with him be worth all of the craziness and frustration, and most of all, would it be worth conquering the cold fear in the pit of her stomach for?
She fancied him, loved kissing him, enjoyed spending time with him as a person. She wanted to be with him, she might as well admit it to herself if not anyone else. But were all of these things important enough to her to face her fears and take her own personal vulture by the wings? And if she did decide to, would she have the guts to go through with it?
Then a funny thing happened.
As she watched James play, Lily began to remember all of the things she liked about James and all of the things she didn't, small, insignificant details or otherwise, like his bravery and honesty and unexpected kindness, the way he was so considerate of her always and kissed her like there was no one else in the world he'd rather be kissing. And then Lily knew that she wanted to find out everything else there was to know about James Potter. She'd like some of those things and would dislike others, but she wanted to know what those things were. She wanted to know James.
Lily was shaken out of her reverie when she noticed everyone else was standing. "What happened?" she called up to Alice.
"We won the game," Alice said distractedly, clapping along absentmindedly. She hesitated for a moment, then said: "I think I'm going to go and find Frank. I have to tell him that I want to meet his mum at Christmas." Alice suddenly smiled, giddy with relief.
"You look like there's someone you want to go and find as well," Alice teased.
"Yeah," Lily answered, feeling a smile spread across her face. "Yeah there is, actually."
"Well good luck," Alice squeezed her friend's hand. "I'll see you later, shall I?"
"Definitely," Lily squeezed Alice's hand back. "Good luck to you too." Lily watched Alice disappear into the crowd before setting off herself.
It was time to take her own vulture by the wings.
* * *
James stood on the pitch surrounded by his exuberant teammates and a crowd of well-wishers who had begun to trickle onto the field. He felt much less joyous than he generally did after winning a match, accepting congratulations almost automatically.
Feeling an elbow in his ribs, James glanced round at Sirius, who nodded toward the crowd streaming from the stands. And James saw Lily, coming toward him with a determined expression on her face. James sighed, bracing himself for the confrontation.
Suddenly, unexpectedly, Lily's face broke into a dazzling smile as she caught sight of him, moving ever closer. James, undone as always by Lily's smile, couldn't help but grin in return, his eyes locked with hers.
Then Lily was in front of him, and without any further warning, she wrapped her arms round his neck and began kissing him, right there on the Quidditch pitch, in front of everybody.
Around him, James was vaguely aware that his teammates, led by Sirius, were clapping and cheering, but he was too surprised by this unexpected turn of events to do anything more than wrap his arms round Lily and kiss her back like she was kissing him, like nothing else mattered.
After a couple of minutes, Lily and James finally moved apart, both grinning widely. "Is this your way of telling me that you've changed your mind about us?" James asked, his heart in his throat.
"That's exactly what I'm telling you," Lily answered, smiling that breathtaking smile again. "But, is this still what you want?"
"I've been waiting for this since the first time I saw you," James replied softly, meaning it.
Hand in hand, Lily and James made their way across the Quidditch pitch to the castle. This wasn't so very horrible really, Lily reflected. Sure, it was still a bit frightening, more than a bit actually, but Alice had been right; the good things were more important than the fear.
She just hoped she was ready for this.
* * *
Author's Note: Here's the new chapter as promised. Yay for the 300 review mark! Special thanks go out to sweetkatt, Bella Lestrange, Willow23, snickerdoodle, TheSecretCharacter, danielle, Leiliana, fyresdestiny, Ronald's Girl, Sirius-Ella, a person (please don't slam your ears in an oven!), LavenderBrown, witch@heart, lilynjamesAAF, blazed sorceress, surrounded by fog, and Xaviera. More to come on the Hogsmeade attacks, Marauders' pranks, and of course, more Lily and James. And in answer to the question from witch@heart, I'm not sure how far this story will go. If people are willing to read and review I'll keep writing; would people be interested in reading this story all the way to Lily and James' deaths?
Thank you to everyone for reviewing!