Chapter Four: Confessions

Olivia

I don't pay attention to what I'm saying. I just let the words fall from my lips… baptizing Elliot with our relationship. It's as if I've been waiting for this moment to speak it all aloud. As if his questions were the permission I've been waiting for. I still trip over my tongue, still have to struggle to describe the way I feel, but despite it all everything spills out.

"When did this start?" Elliot's new questions are quiet, mindful of our luncheon spot. He doesn't want to embarrass me in a restaurant frequented mostly by cops, cops we know.

"I don't know, El. Maybe it never really started, it just always kind of… was."

"Ok then, my real question is… well. I mean there was Brian, and that reporter. I know you don't date much but I always thought…"

"My choices were always more about proving something to myself than anything I guess. I dated a few women in college. But once I decided to join the force, I knew it would be wise to put those things behind me. Cassidy was just the first in a line of mistakes. That damn reporter was another. Bastard almost got me canned, reading that stupid file. Seems like my life is built on mistakes. Rebecca was a mistake of a different kind."

"Rebecca? Rebecca… Rebecca Hendrix? The cop turned Doc? What does she have to do with-- oh."

"It wasn't like that. I mean it could have been. We were at the academy together, and somehow she found out, about me. That I was… gay. She asked me out, and I went. She tried to kiss me goodnight and I didn't just turn away. I slapped her. I was horrified at the idea of anyone finding out."

"Well, that certainly explains a few things. But how does Cabot fit into all of this?"

"Alex changed things for me. I wasn't ready to shout it from the rooftops, but I wasn't as frightened of myself anymore. She made it ok. Not easy—but ok." I can't help but smirk. Things with you were never easy. Always a lawyer.

"But when? When did this start? That night we interrupted her date… was it a date.. with Langan?" Elliot starts to blush. I can tell that even though he's my friend, he's embarrassed by all of this. Unsure of how to react.

"No. I don't know when it started. The first time I saw her?" I can still see that spark in your eyes at our first meeting. That electric blue. Your fire excited me. And even though you couldn't manage to keep from pissing me off at regular intervals, I just couldn't get enough of those eyes. "There was just something in her that sparked me. It took a long time for us… for me, to find the courage to ask her out." I stop to think. "No, that's not right… she asked." The memory of you tripping over your words makes me smile, "She asked me out first. She was so nervous. So was I. Nervous, but relieved. Because at least that way I knew without having to put my ass on the line."

I look at Elliot, waiting for him to insert his judgments, his opinions, his disapproval. "You fell for her." There's no hint of recrimination in his voice. Just concern.

"Yeah. I fell for her. Hard. When I joined the force I convinced myself I wasn't gay. That I was just like everybody else. I worked hard to keep up that image, not just to my fellow cops, but to myself. And then Alex came along, and in her own way she was so open." I can see Elliot raising his eyebrows when I call you open. "No, I know. 'ice-queen.' But Elliot, how many times have you seen Alex out with a man? Besides that thing with Langan I mean? Which wasn't a date by the way."

"All-right point taken. But Liv, we don't see her everyday. It's not like we have occasion to interrupt her private life all that often. Not like the job interrupts ours."

"She has never claimed or pretended to like men. And I'm sure if anyone had asked she would have dodged the question beautifully, without lying. Unlike me who just did everything I could to make it look like I was straight. But you know how rumor flies around here. Don't you think you'd have heard about a relationship by now if she was dating some guy?"

"Well I hadn't heard about you two, and I'm pretty damn close to the action."

I shoot Elliot a nasty look, but I know he has a point too.

"We were discreet."

"Discreet? Olivia, you were damn near non-existent. How did she do it? You're my partner, and my friend and half the time I don't know what's going on in your life… did you talk to her more than you do to me? She doesn't seem the type to be happy with a don't ask, don't tell kind of relationship."

You weren't. I remember our first fight. The night I showed up at your apartment, after my mom, after the funeral… I couldn't talk. You opened the door and I leaned in for the kiss I'd been avoiding ever since we'd starting having "dinner". I put my hand in the small of your back and pulled you toward me, desperate to wipe away the tears I hadn't allowed to fall. You resisted, trying to pull away from me as I pressed my lips to yours with determination, hard.

"Olivia." I felt you speak my name against my mouth. You pulled your head away, turning so my forehead rested, tilted against your cheek. "Olivia, don't. Not like this. Talk to me."

"Alex."

"Talk to me."

I tried to kiss you again, took your chin with my left hand, my right hand still in the small of your back, pressing you to me. You swat my hand away, peel yourself away from me. I can't meet your eyes as you examine me. I feel like a perp in the witness seat.

"Talk to me!"

I can't. I can't. I can't. " I CAN'T!"

"Liv---"

"Alex, I just can't. I'm not… I don't do…"

"What, relationships? Liv we can't just pretend your feelings don't exist. You can't just pretend she didn't die. I'm not the only one in this relationship. I realize it hasn't been that long. I know this all new to you, it is to me too. But if you want to give this a real shot, you have to Talk. To. Me."

Your turn… you take my chin, tilt it towards those incredible blue eyes. And I want to. I want to tell you. I want to tell you what she meant to me. What her sacrifices meant to me. I want to tell you about when she told me. About how she got drunk and angry and told me she'd been raped, about how I was some perp's little mistake. I want to tell you about how proud she looked when I told her about SVU. I want to tell you about that ball of fire in my chest… that pain I can't quite put my finger on. The one that's bubbling just under the surface. I want to loose the barrage of tears I've been choking back all day. Instead I get angry.

This time I swat away your hand. I know my eyes are flashing, I replace my sorrow with anger and turn to leave. "Forget it Alex. If you're going to be uptight about it, I'll just go. There are plenty of other options in this city." I spun away from you, slamming your door behind me.

Alex

One week. Just one more week. I finished my work early on Friday, passing on my files and suggestions to Caleb, the actual attorney. I turned off my work-based cell phone, and make it clear that I'm not interested in hearing updates on Reynolds's legal status. I'm taking this last week to do some personal review. There's a lot to think about now. A lot to consider. Hammond has made it clear that I have more than one option.

I was upset at his constant referrals to the "temporary nature of this return, Miss Regis."

"Detective Hammond, I understand that this current visit isn't forever. But surely now that the cartel is pretty much shut down I don't have to come back here forever either. I can begin to reclaim my life can I not? Or am I stuck here until you say so?"

"Elizabeth, look, there are… other options. But surely you recognize the severity of your decisions…" I'm not listening to the rest of his diatribe. I'm stuck on that sentence… "there are other options…" You said that to me once. In anger. Your chocolate brown eyes flashing with fire. I wonder if you even remember that night. I heard around the office that Elliot found you at Maloney's, drunk out of your mind. Do you remember coming to my door after the funeral? Do you remember what you said to me? When I refused? When I tried to get you to talk?

"Forget it Alex. If you're going to be uptight about it, I'll just go. There are plenty of other options in this city."

It stung. Even way back then, when we were just getting started, the idea that you had "other options" ready and waiting. That was the first time you kissed me. That night after your mom's funeral. I was so angry at you. Frustrated because you wouldn't talk to me. But I kept having to try and stop the knocking in my knees. I pushed you away, trying to … I don't know—threaten you into talking. But oh god I could have stayed in your arms forever. Your hand cupping my chin, drawing me in. I had to force myself to turn away from you, to pull away. I know you would have regretted it if I'd let you start that way. If I'd melted into you the way I wanted to, neither of us would have been content to start our relationship that way.

I'd been trying to kiss you for weeks. Starting to lean in at the end of the night, finding your hand stuck out for a shake. Or, more recently, feeling your arms around me in a friendly embrace. I was frustrated, and feeling romantically stunted. I know you were attracted to me. You couldn't hide that flick of your eyelids, the way you looked at me… head to toe and back again. I was surprised the whole squad hadn't figured it out. Or maybe I only noticed because I saw you the same way.

And then that night you showed up. I heard you knock on my door and my heart stopped. I knew it was you before I even got up from the table. My body warmed at the thought of you, and I was desperate to be the perfect confidant for you. I was thrilled that you'd finally decided to talk about it. I know how hard this has been for you. The tears that fell from your eyes when they notified you. I've been watching the bags under your eyes get darker, and deeper. You look like you've aged years in this week.

I'm right.

You're standing on the other side of my door, your eyes dry but sunken. You have an unrecognizable look in your eyes, and you lean into me, drawing your right hand into the small of my back, pulling my into your curves, pressing your lips to mine. For a minute I'm lost in this moment. Lost in your kiss. I let your tongue play on my lips for a second before I figure out what's going on.

"Olivia." I can feel my own breath come back to me, relayed by the proximity of your lips. I turn my head, leaving your forehead resting against my cheek. "Olivia, don't. Not like this. Talk to me." I don't want to do this. I don't want to make our first time an eraser. I don't want to be a forget-fuck.

I watched your anger rise. Watched it form into a fiery ball in your eyes as I tried to draw you out. "Talk to me!"

Your pause is too long… I know I'm losing you.

---"I CAN'T"---

"Liv---"

"Alex, I just can't. I'm not… I don't do…"

"What, relationships? Liv we can't just pretend your feelings don't exist. You can't just pretend she didn't die. I'm not the only one in this relationship. I realize it hasn't been that long. I know this all new to you, it is to me too. But if you want to give this a real shot, you have to Talk. To. Me."

I grabbed your chin, pulled your face up, making you meet my eyes. Their normally gentle chocolate brown is replaced with a furious spark. You swipe my hand away, and spin. "Forget it Alex. If you're going to be uptight about it, I'll just go. There are plenty of other options in this city."

Even now, years later… I feel tears well up at the memory of you slamming my own door behind you, running to drown yourself the only way you know how.

How did we do it? How did we come back from that? Over and over again. How did I let you get so deep inside me, knowing you'd never be able to talk to me the way I needed you to… the way I know you needed to.