Chapter Thirteen: Coffee and Regrets

Olivia

"I love you." I whisper in your ear, feeling the words fall easily from my lips. I never thought it would be easy to say that, even to you. I hope it's not just because I know you're still asleep.

Wait… maybe you're not. I feel you start to stir beneath me. The leg you have draped over me is shifting and stretching, and you pull away from me. I watch your face as you wake up, amazed as always by the beauty of you fresh from sleeping. I raise my hand to brush the hair out of your eyes as you open them… blinking once… twice, slowly. For an instant I see confusion cross your face, but it's replaced just as quickly with that smile. The one that always makes me grin in return. One corner of your mouth starts to turn, slowly upward. As the corner of your lips pulls into almost a dimple the other side stretches up as well.

You run your tongue over your lips, licking away the dryness that settled as you snored. Your eyes pass up and down my face, taking me in as intently as I take in you. Our eyes lock again, and I can see your drowsiness pulling at your lids as you speak.

"hi." Your speech is breathy, sleepy. I know you can't function well before your first cup of coffee, but I can't pull myself away from you to start the coffee-maker. Besides, I know that once you're really awake we'll have to start actually talking. I've made a lot of changes in this month since you called, but I'm still not eager to have to explain myself to you, to hear you voice your disappointments, to tell you my regrets. Instead I put my hand in the small of your back, that perfect place above your tailbone… a hollow that seems designed for my palm, fitted to my fingers. I pull you with me as I turn to lay on my back. You wiggle to get comfortable, and settle so that you lay halfway on top of me, our legs alternating like stripes on the bed. I remove my hand from your back long enough to reclaim some of the covers, pulling them over us against the chill of the February morning. A sparkle passes through your eyes as I draw the covers over me, tucking them under my back, using my weight in the bed as an anchor.

You're starting to wake up now, slowly still, in stages. "Old habits die hard huh? Sorry if I stole the covers, I know how you hate that."

"Eh, it's better than the snoring at least."

"I do not snore!"

"You do too. Someday I'll make a tape of it so I can prove it to you."

"You'd better. You know how I feel about unsubstantiated claims."

Now I know you're waking up. You don't usually pull out the legal-speak until you've had at least one cup of coffee. I like you better this way… waking up without caffeine. I like watching the changes in your face, in your eyes as you push away the sleep. Usually by the time I'm done with my shower you're already into your second or third cup, as awake as you'll get for the day, buzzing around in the kitchen, or flitting in and out of the bathroom and bedroom getting ready for court, or meetings with Branch. But watching you this way, watching you cast away sleep in steps, I can't believe I've found another way for your beauty to surprise me.

I remember waking up beside you that first morning. Feeling awkward and awed at the same time. I remember thinking about what I should do. Should I wake you? Should I try to make breakfast? Should I stay, go, shower? I stare at you sleeping beside me for the first time and I'm lost. I've never done this before. Never done this in an actual relationship. It's not that you were my first, you know that. It's just that this is the first time I didn't gather up my clothes when it was over, reach for my keys as I pull on my jacket and head out the door. This is the first time I've woken up next to a woman after sex. I'm used to waiting until the girl I've pursued all week during class falls asleep in her bed, then sneaking away … already coming up with excuses to avoid her until she gives up on me, or until she decides it was just a "college thing."

This is the first time that I fell asleep first. The first time that I slept through the night in a strange bed, the curves of my body cradled by another that matches it as I dream. I'm not used to waking up with the scent of another person beside me. I'm not used to the counterweight of another body. And although I got used to it quickly after that, I wasn't used to waking up shaking from cold, bereft of the covers you've stolen from me in your sleep.

I'll never forget the way you leaned into me as I reached to get a corner of the comforter. I'll never forget that first morning kiss. Our mouths sticky from sleeping, warm from a nighttime of speaking in our dreams. I'll never forget that moment.

Just like I'll never forget this one. I break from my memory and return to you, lying in my bed, your body half covering mine. I reach for your hand, intertwining our fingers again. I pull our hands to my lips and kiss your knuckles.

"I love you Lexi. Did I ever tell you that?"

Alex

Despite the loveliness of my current dreams, they're starting to fade. And as I make the journey from asleep to awake I feel you rustling in the bed. I can feel your breath on my ear as you whisper to me.

"I love you."

I feel the words more than I hear them, the warmth of your breath pulls me from unconsciousness, and I start to shift out of my sleep, and into your presence. My right leg is draped over your body, and I can tell by the way my hip muscles react to movement that I've probably slept this way all night. I shift and stretch, reclaiming the feeling in my leg, arching to stretch my back, pulling myself away from you for a moment as I wake up my limbs. I settle back in to your bed, facing you on my side, the position of my body mirroring yours as I finally open my eyes, blinking slowly twice against the morning. When I first see you I'm confused… somehow I've convinced myself in my sleep that last night was all a dream. But at the sight of you across from me, still naked and, yes… shivering as you watch me with all the covers hanging off of my side of the bed. I can't help but smile sleepily at you.

I wet my lips, my eyes scanning your face to find a trace of what you might be thinking. I look for your emotion in your eyes, surprised as always at how easy it is to get lost in you. I feel sleep, and comfort, and warmth pulling at my eyes, making me blink again as the sight of your face is momentarily changed to the black of the inside of my eyelids. As I fight off sleep again and open my eyes to see you still gazing at me, I finally unstick my tongue to speak.

"hi."

"hi."

You grin at me, and put your hand in my favorite spot, pulling me over with you as you shift onto your back, pulling me down so that we rest front to front, my body lying half on and half off of you. You leave the hollow of my back to reach for the covers I've stolen in the night and I can't help but giggle at this wonderfully ordinary moment. You shove your edge of the covers beneath you, using our bodies to anchor them beneath you so I can't pull them away again. I don't blame you, the chill of the morning touches at my toes as they peek from beneath your comforter.

I'm starting to feel more awake now, surprised as my brain starts working without the help of coffee. It's odd to be in your bed in the morning and not smell you brewing my coffee in the kitchen. I like it.

"Old habits die hard huh? Sorry if I stole the covers, I know how you hate that."

Your eyes twinkle at me, taking on the golden tone cast by the sun that peeks through the blinds, "Eh, it's better than the snoring at least."

I feign insult, "I do not snore."

"You do too. Someday I'll make a tape of it so I can prove it to you."

"You'd better. You know how I feel about unsubstantiated claims."

I can feel my senses sharpening, and I think maybe I could get used to waking up with you instead of with a cup of coffee as you shower and get ready for work. I'll never understand how you can always look so awake first thing in the morning. That hasn't changed in the last two years and your eyes are as sharp and watchful as ever, even though I'm sure it's not past 6am. As much as I'd love to stare at your face all morning, I recognize the fear deep down in your eyes and I know you're already worried about the discussions we'll be having later. I want to tell you not to worry, that it will be all right. It won't all be pleasant, but I can already see some of the changes you've made… I've heard them. I tell my body to move, to lean in for a kiss but you beat me to it, having the advantage of being fully awake. I feel you take my hand, palm to palm, lacing our fingers together, like I did last night. You pull our hands to your lips and I watch you as you kiss my knuckles.

"I love you Lexi. Did I ever tell you that?"

Yes you did. Three times now. I know you've changed. I can tell from the way you talk to me. You know how much I love it when you call me Lexi.