Only when I'm gone
AN: Just something I wrote during a nine hour car journey to Scotland. I am aware this is very done and it probably makes no sense but thought I would post it anyway.
Where have all the feelings gone?
Why has all the laughter ceased?
Why am I loved only when I'm gone?
Gone back in time to bless the child
How can I ever feel again?
Given the chance would I return?
Why am I loved only when I'm gone?
Gone back in time to bless the child.
-Nightwish-Bless the child
Do you think I don't know when a person's acting and when their emotions are real! Do you really think I'm that blind! The words you speak hold no truth and the tears that you cry hold no meaning. They're pointless; you only shed them because you feel you must! You didn't care, none of you did. You thought you had me fooled but I always knew. I knew no one cared. I knew it was pointless to think anyone would, after all who could feel any love, any compassion for someone like me. I always was a mess but in those last months I fell even further. I was a wreck and everyone could see it. It got to the point when I just forgot how to feel and numbness took over, which in a way was a relief because before that all I felt was pain. All I ever saw was 'the happy one' always smiling, always talking about how good everything was for them, my 'friends' especially. I couldn't go anywhere without being reminded of it, of what I didn't have. Not that I deserved any of it. I deserved what I eventually did, it was the first time I had ever felt anything for a very long time and if I'm being honest, I loved every minute of it.
No tears left my eyes as I drew the knife along my skin, slowly slicing into my exposed wrists. I allowed myself weakness and I smiled at the sound and pain of my cutting flesh and I laughed as my thick, red blood seeped out of my self-inflicted wounds. In my opinion, it was over too quickly, so soon did the darkness come.
Now I watch as those who called themselves my friends pretend to 'mourn' my passing. Though the unnerving thing is how good they are at it.
Izzy and Jyou's faces both depict the same level of horror as they stare blankly into the distance. But no, they're both too smart to really get attached to someone like me. They're both too good for me.
Mimi and Sora are sobbing in each others arms and TK is clutching his sides, tears dripping down his face while an equally distraught looking Kari attempts comfort. NO! They don't care! There's no way, no one cared! No one! I wasn't worth caring about. Their acting! They have to be!
But their reactions are suddenly looking more and more real. My eyes move to Tai and what I see scares me. The usually happy, hypa, digidestined leader looks as if he's having an emotional breakdown. He's just rocking backwards and forwards clutching something in his hands…my crest. He's crying and whispering incoherently and he keeps repeating the words, 'I love you' over and over.
Did they finally realize? After all these years, years spent probably detesting my very existence, have they suddenly decided that they actually cared. Isn't there a saying that goes, 'you don't know what you've got until you've lost it?'
But something in their reactions tells me that they already knew.
And something tells me I just made the worse mistake I could have made.
I guess some things never change.
Why am I loved only when I'm gone
-Yamato Ishida