Disclaimer: InuYasha is written by Rumiko Takahashi. I do not own anything mentioned in this fanfic besides the idea of the fanfic.

To Love A Human

Chapter Four

Sesshoumaru closed his eyes as a gust of wind blew into his face and sent his hair billowing behind him. He breathed in deeply, checking for any foreign youkai scents. To his relief, there were none.

He wasn't very far from where Rin was. In fact, he was probably directly above her. After he left her for the night, he went to the spot that he thought the best to stand guard at: the top of the cliff. He was sitting there now, waiting for dawn to come so that they could resume their journey south.

Just a few more days…

A few more days and they would reach the mountainous area Bokusenou had mentioned about to him. They had been travelling for about a fortnight, and still he was debating over the nagging question that refused to be resolved ever since they started out that morning.

Is it right?

Was it right to change Rin into something she wasn't? At first he thought that this would be the best solution. He knew, even though he was reluctant to admit to himself, that she meant something to him.

He thought about her day and night. Her beautiful smile, her twinkling eyes, and her sweet, sweet voice never left him alone. Not a day would pass without him having the urge to hold her, or to touch her… to savour her exquisite sweetness.

There was a growing hunger within him that he couldn't comprehend. It tugged at his heart whenever she gave him that smile of hers, or whenever she tried to do something nice for him to show him how she much adored him.

Sesshoumaru didn't like the feeling. He didn't like anything he couldn't figure out logically. Part of the reason why he felt himself above others was because he always made sure he was one step ahead of them. He had to know everything.

Maybe, he had thought to himself some time ago, if he allowed himself to hold her once, just once, the hunger would be satisfied. The craving would stop and he would once again feel at peace. She wouldn't keep haunting his thoughts anymore. However, he wouldn't give in to his urges yet if he couldn't form any conclusions as to what his actions would lead to.

As he spent more time thinking about it, Sesshoumaru knew that this would not be the case. The thought of holding her, pressing her body close to his, only made the craving more intense. Once wouldn't be enough to satisfy him.

What then? What was it he could do to stop this feeling? It drove him mad with frustration that he had to keep in close check so he wouldn't worry Rin with any outward displays of uncalled-for wrath.

That wasn't the only thing that drove him mad. He was infuriated with himself for even thinking of showing affection to Rin. A human. He was far above those weak creatures, and he definitely wasn't going to stoop as low as that.

He struck on an idea then. Why not change her into a youkai? That way, he wouldn't be bothered anymore about her being born from a weak race. A plus point to this was that she would be immortal. He would want her to stay alive until he found his answer. All humans die eventually; even Tenseiga couldn't stop that fact of life.

This, Sesshoumaru thought, was definitely the solution to the problem. That was of course, if there was a way to change a human into a youkai. With that in mind, he had gone to Bokusenou for answers.

His joy at Bokusenou's revelation was shortly lived however, as the question that had been bothering him for two long weeks afterward rose on the morn he saw Rin sleeping so peacefully. Was it right to change anything about her?

The question hung in the air waiting to be answered, with an answer he knew he couldn't give. An answer he wouldn't let himself give.

Below him, Sesshoumaru could hear the rustling of leaves indicating movement coming towards the cave. The muffled grumbling mingled with a low growl assured him that there was nothing to worry about. It was only Jaken returning with Ah-Un.

There were some times he could do without that underling of his, Sesshoumaru thought. He could get rather annoying. Jaken's loyalty to him impressed him though, and at first he let him follow him around for that reason alone. He would mistreat him at times for it didn't matter. Jaken would always stay with him no matter what he did.

Now, he seldom ever mistreated Jaken without a good reason. Rin would get upset if he did. He knew she'd grown attached to that little underling of his, and Jaken had done well protecting and caring for her whenever he couldn't.

Sesshoumaru sighed inaudibly. Before Rin had come into his life, all he had focused on was power. Now that she was here, he found it stupid and meaningless. She threw him into dilemmas and made him question his own beliefs. She was in short, a nuisance.

Yet without her…

He couldn't bring himself to think of life without Rin. To go back to his endless lust for power seemed like such a dull notion compared to the image of her smiling prettily at him.

With his eyes closed, Sesshoumaru could just hear the soft sounds of her laughter in his mind. It was a strangely peaceful and calming sound that only Rin seemed capable of. He liked it.

Suddenly, an ear-piercing scream erupted from the cave, overwhelming all his thoughts as it tore through the quiet night air and brought his youkai senses to full alert.

Rin!

Sesshoumaru wasted no time. He jumped down the cliff, landing gracefully but hurriedly, and ran into the cave with his hand ready to draw his sword at the first sign of danger.

Surprisingly, there was none to be seen, he realised as he stopped.

The dying embers of the bonfire from hours ago dimly illuminated the cavern, casting soft shadows of the resident figures on the walls.

"Rin, doushita no desu ka?" came Jaken's anxious voice over the remaining echoes of Rin's terrified scream. [doushita no desu ka: what happened]

She was sitting bolt upright, clutching the fabric of her kimono tightly at her chest with a trembling hand. Her eyes were wide and glassy, unfocused, as if her mind was somewhere else. She was breathing heavily and her skin was covered with cold sweat.

Something's wrong, Sesshoumaru thought as he took a few steps towards her.

"Ah, Sesshoumaru-sama! You're back!" greeted Jaken when he felt his master's looming presence above him.

Rin seemed to snap back to attention when she heard his name, and she immediately turned to him. "Sesshoumaru-sama!" she cried, her eyes welling up with tears.

Sesshoumaru wasn't sure how to react. Rin rarely ever cried. If she did, it was out of sorrow for perhaps a dying animal or something along those lines. At those times, it was fine to leave her by herself. She would soon get over the loss and get up to follow him cheerfully again. This time it was different. He could sense the terror in her, and he could see the fear in her eyes. He could feel her desperation, her need for some sort of comfort. It tugged at his heart.

He walked up to her, stopping when he was just in front of her and looking down into her deep brown eyes. His stern expression conveyed to her the words that he refused to speak: What's wrong?

Rin looked right back up into his cold and unyielding eyes, a new fear forming in her already-disoriented mind. Is he angry with me?

Of course he is! her conscience screamed at her. That's right, Rin managed to recall. Sesshoumaru-sama doesn't like weak people.

Be strong! You have to be strong! her conscience prodded her again.

She hurriedly wiped away her tears with the back of her sleeves, trying to undo the mistake as best she could. She had let herself cry out of fear.

Rin struggled to stop the onslaught of tears as she remembered her pledge to herself not to cry if ever she was scared. Crying and screaming were two different things. Screaming was an effective way of calling for help while crying wouldn't get her anywhere; it would only blur her vision and cause more problems. Crying was akin to defeat.

"D-daijoubu," she stammered out in a shaky voice after she tore her gaze away from his eyes. She stared at the ground, hoping she hadn't disappointed him too badly. [daijoubu: I'm fine]

 A moment ago, she was having the most horrifying nightmare she had ever experienced. When she was younger, she had these nightmares frequently. In them, she would relive the scene of her family's deaths repeatedly, and the helplessness of it all; that she couldn't save them even if she was spared. She cried out in her sleep not out of fear, but out of anguish as she tried to reach out to them.

She had had these dreams every night after her family was killed before her very eyes. After she met Sesshoumaru though, they occurred less and less, until they finally ceased altogether.

Tonight however, the dream returned. The thieves who raided her home and murdered her parents and brother in cold blood appeared in her mind, re-enacting the chilling scene as vividly as the day it happened. Just that this time, after they killed her family, they turned and charged at her with their swords drenched in the blood of her family members and their eyes gleaming with an evil aura. It was then that she screamed.

Rin sensed that Sesshoumaru was still staring at her, and she bit on her bottom lip apprehensively, waiting for what he had to say. That is of course, if he even had anything to say.

He didn't, as usual, Rin thought to herself as she watched his feet making a turn for the exit of the cave. Strangely, that action stung her. He was going to leave her again.

No, please don't leave, Sesshoumaru-sama! her heart seemed to cry out in vain. Don't be silly! her conscience barked back at her. Sesshoumaru-sama comes and goes whenever he likes. Why does he have to listen to you?

Rin didn't know why it bothered her so much lately. Sesshoumaru would always leave her from time to time without explanation, save for the order to 'stay here.' Although she never liked being left behind, she obeyed him without complaint. She knew he would return for her.

However in the past few years, she would feel increasingly upset each time he left her in solitude, or when he left her with Jaken and Ah-Un. When he returned, her heart seemed to leap with joy in a different way from when she was younger.

"Sesshoumaru-sama," his name slipped from her lips involuntarily, as uncalled for and uncontrollable as a sneeze or a cough. Her eyes widened in shock at her own boldness, and she took a sharp intake of breath as she watched his feet stop at the cavern opening.

After a short pause, she heard his deep and commanding voice. "Nande?" [nande: what is it]

Rin tried to ignore the pounding of her heart at his simple question. What is it? What was it that she wanted? She struggled to gather her scattered thoughts despite the headiness she was feeling. Sesshoumaru didn't like to wait for answers, that she knew. But try as she might, she couldn't form the words.

"If there is nothing you want to say, I will be going now."

No! she panicked as she watched his feet taking another step away. Her heart raced and her head throbbed painfully as she finally blurted out in desperation, "P-please stay with m-me!"

Rin gasped as her hand flew to her mouth. What have I said?

He stopped.

"Rin! Ahou! How dare you order Sesshoumaru-sama around?" Jaken said, equally shocked at her impulsive request. [ahou: fool/stupid person]

At Jaken's rebuke, Rin's immediate response was to try and correct herself. "I meant… Rin meant," she stuttered, trying to remember her manners, "Sesshoumaru-sama, please stay with Rin… onegai shimasu!" [onegai shimasu: please — used when making a request]

Still looking at the ground and Sesshoumaru's moon-cast shadow, Rin could almost sense his hesitation. She was getting terribly dizzy with her desire for him to stay. She shut her eyes, knowing in her heart that he probably wouldn't, and she was unwilling to watch his shadow disappear with his departure. She was starting to feel the same old sickening feeling of disappointment that tore at her heart when she heard the sounds of his footsteps continuing their journey.

"Areh? Sesshoumaru-sama?" she heard Jaken say. He's going again… [areh: sound of surprise/bewilderment]

The feeling of somebody taking a seat next to her caught Rin by surprise. She reopened her eyes.

"Sesshoumaru-sama!" Rin exclaimed in delight. There he was, sitting beside where she was and looking at her with a face devoid of emotion. But Rin was too overjoyed to care if he was frowning or smiling (which he almost never did anyway). He had actually listened to her request! That knowledge alone was making her heart flutter, and she smiled brightly.

"Rin, you should sleep if you are tired," Sesshoumaru said.

"Hai!" Rin obeyed him instantly. So overjoyed was she that even her headache seemed to have left her, and she lay back down by his side. With a smile still on her face, she unwittingly took the end of his fur pelt in her hand again as she drifted off to sleep.

Once more, Sesshoumaru had the opportunity to gaze on Rin's angelic face. This time, he had to resist the temptation to. Jaken was still around.

"Anou Sesshoumaru-sama," Jaken tried to inquire cautiously, "Why did Sesshoumaru-sama listen to Rin?"

Why indeed. He didn't bother answering the question, but it was hammering inside his head. Why? Why even pay attention to this human girl? He narrowed his eyes in deep thought, and Jaken immediately took the signal and backed off.

Long minutes later, when all was finally peaceful again (save for Jaken's noisy snoring), Sesshoumaru was still wide-awake. He didn't need to sleep like any weaker youkai or human, or even hanyous. So long as he relaxed or if he wasn't moving, it was his body's form of rest and recuperation. Sleep was more like a way for him to pass time quickly.

It was safe now, he knew. So long as he was close by Rin's side, any approaching youkai would pick up his scent before hers. Any creature who didn't heed his warning presence was a dead fool. As such, it was fine for him to sleep now if he wanted — just to kill time.

Ironically, it was just the thing that he couldn't do. While he was on guard for her, he couldn't afford to sleep lest she be sneaked up on. But the reason he kept himself at bay from her was because…

Sesshoumaru was reluctant to answer that question too. All he would admit to himself now was that he knew his limits, and he wasn't interested in pushing them.

Tonight however, Rin had just done that. And, he had allowed her to.

Looking down at the raven-haired beauty resting beside him, he recalled her innocent request.

"Sesshoumaru-sama, please stay with Rin."

He clenched his fist. Why did she want him with her? Did she not know after all these years that he was a full youkai with the ability to kill her in a single slash? Judging from her peaceful expression now that he was beside her as she slept, obviously she didn't.

What exactly did she see in him, Sesshoumaru wondered. If she's aware that I'm a youkai, she doesn't appear afraid. Yet she also knows I'm not a human.

Rin moved in her sleep, sending a lock of hair tumbling over the side of her face. She had just rolled closer to him.

Sesshoumaru's sensitive nose could pick up the full blast of her heated scent, now that she was almost touching him. It was the same when he carried her. He felt uneasy, yet strongly attracted to her at the same time. He had tried to avoid it in any way he could, but somehow he stayed tonight with her simple request. It was, he realised, the only thing she had ever asked of him in all these years.

Stretching his arm out to her, he felt the same urge taking over him again — the urge to wrap his arm around her and draw her up close against him. No, he fought himself. His hand ended up hovering above her instead.

He watched her in silence and concentration, his expression grim. Then, slowly, and ever so cautiously, he lowered his hand to her. Gently with the touch of a butterfly's wing, he pushed the stray lock of hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear.

Only then did he pause in alarm, his hand frozen in its position. Rin's skin was burning to the touch. Even if he had never touched a human in such a way before (the only other form of contact he did involved killing), he knew this wasn't normal.

In that instant, his mind filled with a million questions and his pulse doubled. This feeling… I've only experienced it at one other time. The image of a transformed Inuyasha was brought to mind. He had recognised the same feeling Rin had in her eyes when he entered the cave earlier.

Sesshoumaru was frightened.

---------------

Author's Notes: Loooong chapter ^^6 The longest so far. I'm hoping you guys don't find it too long or draggy? ^^6 I'm trying hard to analyse Sesshoumaru's character (and believe me, it is NOT easy). There will be other chapters like this too… highly in detail of Sesshoumaru's opinions and feelings. The story would seem shallow and incomplete without such detail, to me that is.

The last two paragraphs of this chapter will only have its maximum impact if you have seen episode 45 of Inuyasha. That was when Inuyasha transformed into a full youkai in front of Sesshoumaru. This shocked Sesshoumaru and he was actually thinking to himself later that Inuyasha had frightened him for that instant. As we all know, Sesshoumaru doesn't get scared easily. Shocked a couple of times yes, but definitely not frightened, save for the time Inuyasha transformed (which I think is the only time in the whole series that he was frightened-surprised, not shocked-surprised ^^6).

I'm also trying to keep in mind that Sesshoumaru has only one arm, so some sentences might sound weird (ie: wrap his arm around her instead of arms).

I have it in mind that Sesshoumaru has never been in love before... as in real, genuine romantic love. This is why he is so confused, just as Rin probably appears childish because she is naïve and ignorant, and is also confused by her feelings for Sesshoumaru.

Well, that's all I have to say. Like it / hate it / think its far too long? Do review and tell me ^_^