Chapter Twenty-Five: Three-Letter-Word

Olivia

Monday came far too quickly, and before I knew it, it was time to pull you out of bed so we could decide the best way to approach today. When we stopped last night to look at the answering machine on our silenced phone we found 2 messages from Elliot, one asking where I was, and another in a sly tone of voice that indicated he'd figured it out. I couldn't help groaning, not wanting to know how exactly he figured out you were here. On your cell was a message from Agent Hammond. Followed by another message from Agent Hammond. Followed by a third message from Agent Hammond. On the twelfth message he gave up and said he'd be here this morning to take you to the necessary meetings.

"Alex, baby, you have to get up. I have to get to work and Hammond's not the type to wait if we don't open the door right away. I can't really afford to replace a window and a door in a two-week period."

You groan and shove your head under a pillow, reaching for the covers with one hand. I pull them out of your reach and stick my head under the pillow with you and try to kiss your cheek. "I'll start the coffee."

As I head out of the bedroom and into the kitchen I hear you mumbling from under the pillow, "That's why I keep you around…" there's a pause and then you say the same thing you always say first thing in the morning, as if I'd never remember, "make it extra strong!"

I start the coffee pot and start to head back to the bedroom for a little more cuddle time before we actually have to get dressed and go places. Just as I'm settling back into the bed and curling an arm around your back to pull you to me, there's a loud knock at the door. "Dammit." I haul myself back out of bed and stop to tell you to get up again.

"I'm not moving until there's coffee." Big surprise. "And if that's Elliot, tell him I'm going to sue."

"For what?"

"For… defamation of character, I don't know Livvy just get rid of him! I can still sleep for like 15 minutes before we have to take a shower." You're such a baby about mornings. I plod to the door as a second knock thuds on the thick wood and laminate.

"I'm coming, Jesus Elliot, hold your---" The words die on my lips when I see who's at the door. "Agent Hammond."

"Detective."

"Your message said you'd be here at 7. It's 6am."

"My message… the 17th one in case you lost count, said I'd be here at 7 if you called me back, and that if I didn't hear from you, I'd be here at 6. That means I'm on time."

Ugh… nobody can argue semantics like Hammond, and I can't helping thinking that you're right about the whole fascist thing.

"Alex! You're boyfriend's here!"

Alex

You have got to be kidding me. You must be joking. It's… it's… I try to locate the alarm clock we knocked off the side table during our…. romp last night. "It's only 6 in the fucking morning! Tell him he's early, send him away, and come back to bed with me. I'll make it worth your while." I could not care less what Hammond thinks about this. I'm done caring about what Agent Hammond thinks about anything.

"Miss Regis, I'm sorry to arrive so early, but if you listened to my message,"

"Which one?" I can't help being petty. It's six am, I need coffee, and a morning shag before I can be couth and compliant. And why the hell is he still calling me Regis. I drag my legs out over the edge of the bed and shiver as my feet hit the cold wood floor. "Give me a minute Agent, do you mind if I dress before we go?"

You're back in the bedroom, pulling the door closed behind you, and I see that somehow you've managed to get a few drops of coffee straight from the drip into a cup for me.

"Bless you Benson."

"Anytime Regis." There's a twinkle in your eyes and because I'm lost in you as always I lose the opportunity to be angry. "Just shut up and hand me some clothes. And don't EVER call me Regis again."

"Anything you say Lizzie." Still a twinkle, and this time you top it off with a giggle that's far too girlish for your muscular body. I swipe absently at you as you pass by the bed and head for your closet. You pitch out a pair of my slacks, and one of your t-shirts, then a chocolate leather jacket.

"This is yours…"

"I know. I thought, maybe we could swap for a little while. Then no matter what we're always sort of… inside each other." you blush and I can't help getting a little turned on thinking about you wearing my jacket all day. The fact that I'm actually picturing you in my jacket and nothing else doesn't hurt.

"hmmmm…. I suppose it'll do." I take the jacket from you and lean in to kiss you deeply. I love the way your body reacts to me, your nipples hardening under your tank top, heat rising from your pores. I'm actually sort of enjoying the fact that Agent Hammond is in the other room waiting to take me away. I like to leave you wanting me.

I pull away and slip into the clothes you picked out, substituting a blouse for your t-shit, and then topping it off with your jacket.

"Well?"

You whistle appreciatively as Hammond knocks on the bedroom door. If looks could kill… well, we wouldn't have to deal with Agent Hammond anymore, that's for sure. I stave off your homicidal rage with another kiss, then open the door to Hammond. I've had some coffee, but my sense of decorum hasn't woken up yet,

"Do you mind waiting a moment Agent Hammond? I'm trying to arouse my girlfriend." He has the decency to blush and back up into the living room as I close the door against his retreating form.

"Alex! Jesus. What's gotten into you?"

"Honestly Olivia? I have no idea. I guess I'm just tired of living up to someone else's rules."

"What if he talks to someone?"

"I'm sorry, have you met Agent Hammond? The guy you nearly killed because he wouldn't share information with you and Elliot?"

"Still, Alex… look you may not have any more political aspirations, but…"

Oh my god. I suddenly understand what you're worried about. And it has nothing to do with my safety. I don't know what expression appeared on my face but you immediately begin backpedaling,

"Alex… Lexi, no. Stop ok, just listen. Elliot knows and I'm glad, and, well Hammond knows, obviously, but do you really think it's wise if we let the world know about us? I mean you're just appearing again after everyone thinks you were dead, and I'm in the middle of this case, and you have trials to testify at, and a move to make, and I just think maybe this isn't the best time to advertise that we're... you know."

"What Olivia? That we're what? Gay? Just say it. Jesus. After everything we've been through and you're afraid of a little three letter word?"

I know my reaction is over the top, and overly sensitive. But I can't help it. I can't believe you chose now to tell me you're afraid to come out. It's not like I asked you to shout it from the roof of the stationhouse. For Christ's sake I'm not even asking you to drive me to work with you.

"Don't spill anything on my jacket today Olivia, I'm going to want it back before I leave." I open the door and storm ahead of Agent Hammond, not caring what he has or hasn't overheard.

Olivia

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I can't believe I said it. I can't believe how much I want a drink right now. You ran out of the room so fast it took me a minute to figure out why. As soon as I remember the words that flew out of my mouth before I could stop them I start cursing again. Then I get dressed and wait for Elliot. One thing about that man, I can depend on him showing up to get all the good gossip on the drive to work.

"You didn't really say that to her did you?" Elliot sounds amused, which is not the reaction I wanted. It's hard enough talking to someone about this whole… thing without worrying that their laughing at you.

"Yes Elliot I really said it. God! It just… popped out. I swear, I have a mental condition. God says, 'look Olivia, here's your girlfriend back from the dead' and my brain goes, 'oh goody, let's see how badly we can fuck this up.'"

"Look, Liv I'm sure it's not that bad. She's gotta understand that you're under a lot of stress right now. Her returning is good, but still stressful and from the sound of the last couple days, really intense too. Besides that we've got the Patterson case, and it's easy to see how you got scared."

"I know El, but it was still the wrong thing to say, at the worst possible time. I'm never gonna live this down."

"Probably not, but you can work on it."

"How? After all the shit we talked about this weekend I got tweaked about Hammond knowing we were gay? Honestly Elliot, wouldn't you be pissed?"

"Um, well I don't think that really translates, but yeah probably."

"So what do I do?"

"Why are you asking me Liv, I'm not exactly hip on lesbian make-up strategy."

"Yeah but you're marrie----" the word dies on my lips. "I'm sorry Elliot. I just…"

"It's ok. I know"

"I just can't lose her again already." We spend the rest of the drive in silence, and I can't help breaking my own regretful recollections to wonder what Elliot's thinking.

Alex

For once I'm glad Agent Hammond doesn't talk. I'm too busy fuming too even ask what's in store for the day. I can understand your reticence, gay cops have certainly had a hard time once they've been found out, but the truth is, all the horror stories are about men. Not that it matters, but still I just can't believe you said that to me this morning, when things were going so well. How do you always do that to me? Reel me in, throw me back. I notice for the first time that I'm tugging at my hair. I try to pretend that I'm smoothing out the frizz as I calm myself to talk to Hammond.

"So, Agent, what's on the agenda?"

"Mostly paperwork today, settling some of the details, arranging for paper and property transfers back to your given name, a few notifications about your removal from WPP. It's not going to be very interesting. The new ADA will also start prepping you for your testimony."

I groan, you've told me about the new ADA. Casey doesn't exactly sound like my cup of tea. Olivia. Dammit. I wonder how many times today you're going to cross my mind. As angry as I am though, I can still hear you whispering last night, "i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you." I know you meant those words, know you really felt them, not just now but all those years ago. Maybe this time it wasn't you pulling away from me, maybe it was just you being genuinely scared. I'm just not used to seeing that side of you. Maybe I still have a few things to learn, about both of us.