Chapter Twenty-Six: Suicide

Olivia

By the time we reach the station I'm working on a plan to show you how sorry I am. Mostly I think I just need to get you alone so we can talk again, because I think I can explain my reaction. Part of it is because of everything we've done this weekend. Huang always says that even good stress is still stress, and I have to believe he's right this time. That, combined with the trouble I'm having personally and professionally on the Patterson case made me blow up irrationally. Maybe I'm letting Sophie Patterson's fear infect me. Maybe I'm just stupid. Right now, I really don't know.

Right away we get called out to a scene, but Cragen pulls me aside quickly to tell me Hammond is going to want to talk to all of us when we get back, something about the Valez case. I wonder if you'll be with him. I already know what he has to tell the squad.

When we roll up to the scene, I realize the building is familiar. Elliot and I come to the same conclusion at the same time as we charge up the steps and towards Sophie's apartment. The scene is grisly, Sophie lies in the tub, up to her nose in now-cold water, tinged a dirty red. Her left wrist hangs over the edge of the tub, a razor blade on the floor beneath her lifeless hand. Sophie's girlfriend Julia sits in the living room, not moving, the shock of seeing her lover dead leaving her statuesque. The taller girl stares away from the open bathroom door, not willing to see the slightly rounded form of her dead girlfriend. Attacked, raped, killed. All for a little three letter word. That's what you called it right?

Elliot puts a hand on my arm, and I realize I've been staring at Sophie's body longer than necessary, not willing to believe she's gone. I meet his eyes, but don't speak, turning to Julie to ask the questions I really don't want the answers to.

"Julie, I'm Detective Benson, with the Special Victim's Unit. My partner and I were working on So-- Miss Patterson's case." It's hard to do my job right now. Hard to fight the urge to gather up Sophie's body and try to bring her back. I keep having to remind myself that there's a living vic to look after. Julie was just as much a victim of the rape as Sophie was, even if only by extension.

"Julie, I'm going to need to ask you some questions. And I understand that you may not remember everything right now, but with Sophie…. with Miss Patterson…"

"You want to know if I know anything about the men that raped her. Because she can't tell you anything when she's dead." Julie's eyes are cold as ice, unblinking against the tear that rolls down her cheek.

God Alex, I wish you were here for this. I have no idea how to talk to this girl. What do I tell her? What would I tell you?

"I understand how hard this must be for you," I flinch as the scene photographer snaps a shot of the bathroom. "But you're the only one left who might be able to help punish the people that hurt Sophie." I reach out to put my hand on top of Julie's two clenched together fists. She doesn't pull away and I take that as a sign of encouragement. "Julie, please… if we can't make these charges stick those three little bastards will go free. And if you don't help us stop them, someone else is going to have to find their girlfriend dead in the bathroom."

"Liv." Elliot's voice is terse and I know I've crossed a line. I pat Julie's hand and put a hand on her shoulder. "I'll be right back ok?"

"Cool it down Benson. She can't talk if you terrify her."

"Elliot we can get these guys. The last time I talked to her, Sophie said Julie was there that night, that she shoved her out of the way behind the dumpsters when she saw those creeps coming towards them, she told her to stay put and not to say a word no matter what. Julie was hiding behind the dumpster the whole time and she never said a word. If she talks, the case is made, even without Sophie's testimony."

"Is it worth her sanity Liv? Don't you think she's lost enough right now?"

"I can't let this one go Elliot. And you know why."

Alex

By the time we finish the paperwork, I've actually almost forgiven you. We're in Cragen's office, waiting for you and Elliot to get back from a call, and giving Don a chance to adjust before he helps me re-meet you and Elliot and Munch and Fin. He knows most of the story, but not all of it. Hammond is still calling me Regis, but I feel like he's at least trying to remember that it's not who I am anymore. I convinced him to call my mother and he tells her he's coming by later to talk about my case. I want to be there when she finds out, just in case something goes wrong. The people that keep me informed about my old life mentioned that her heart isn't what it used to be.

While we wait, Don fills me in on the case you've been working on. The more I hear the better I understand this morning's outburst. I was right in the car… you were scared. Shit. Now I feel like I owe you an apology. A big one. When I see you pitch my coat in the seat of your chair I know wherever you and Elliot were, it didn't go well. You look like you're about to cry, but I don't think anyone but Elliot and I would know it. I have a feeling I'm going to be "escaping" from Herr Federal Agent tonight so I can talk to you.

Don steps out of the office to talk to his three detectives, and my only detective, trying to prepare them for … well… me. When the four of you step into the confines of his office Elliot looks tired, Fin and Munch share conspiratorial glances, and you look sheepish… and exhausted. I know you're as sorry about this morning as I feel after hearing about the new case. Munch recovers first,

"Cabot! I knew it was all a ruse. So you've been what, working undercover? Helping the CIA? Come on, fill me in." He babbles in typical John fashion as he leans forward to hug me, and I'm surprised as always by his height, and the bony feel of his arms.

"Good to see ya Alex, glad to hear the man didn't get'cha down." Fin is sweet, in his own way. You and Elliot are playing along, and I wonder when you'll tell the guys that you both already knew the big secret. Elliot leans in for a brotherly hug, and whispers about your state of mind. He didn't have to tell me you were upset… I can read your face like a dismissal motion.

When you hug me I can feel your arms start to latch around me, I know how badly you want to collapse into me, and I feel you fighting to keep your cool. "I'm sorry about this morning," you whisper in my ear, then pull away. "Good to see you Alex. Glad to have you back. We missed you."

I lean back to look at my detectives, as if I could ever think of you and the goons as anything else. "So, how does it feel to see a ghost?"

"It's great Cabot. Maybe we can make a habit of it, huh?" Cragen is ever the father figure, tough and sensitive all balled up in one. I'm glad to see the squad, but all I can really think about is getting you alone so we can talk about this case. I know what happens when you hold this stuff inside, and I can only imagine how much you want a drink right now. I want to be your replacement.