Chapter Twenty-Eight: Restless Nights

Olivia

When I hear a knock on my door at 7, I'm not expecting it to be you. I'm not even hoping it will be you. The sight of you on my doorstep, and of Hammond's stocky frame retreating down the stairs breaks my stoicism. You catch me as I collapse towards the floor, crying and shaking, unable to find my breath. You help me huddle to the bedroom, and lay me on my side on the bed, kneeling on the floor beside the bed, running your hand over my forehead, stroking back wisps of my hair.

When I finally feel like I can breathe normally again, you walk to the bathroom and come back with a wet washcloth, which you smooth over my face, wiping off my tears and, cleaning my running my nose. You return to the bathroom and I hear water running as you return with another clean washcloth to replace the first. You crawl into bed with me, and turn me to face you, smoothing over my forehead and cheeks, hot from crying, with the soft coolness of the terrycloth. You hold me to you with one hand in the small of my back, the way I like to hold you, while your other hand continues to chill the tears from my cheeks.

"About this morning," You cut me off before I can really begin,

"It's ok Olivia. Don told me a little about the case while we were waiting. I should have realized it wasn't about how you felt about me. I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions."

Alex

Your shoulders start to shake again, and I wish I could crawl inside your head so you don't have to try tell me how you're feeling. "God Alex. She was just… dead. And it's my fault. I pushed her to hard."

"Don said Novak was all over you two to make that case. You did what you had to do."

"I should have seen it coming. The last two weeks she nearly slammed the door in my face a hundred times. Then all of a sudden, right before you got back she started talking about Julie being there, about how she was hiding behind a dumpster. I thought I was finally getting through to her, that maybe her giving up her girlfriend as a witness was a sign.

"It was a sign all-right. I should have known."

"How Livvy? How could possibly known she was going to kill herself over this?" You don't meet my eyes, drawing tighter into yourself, and as a consequence, tucking yourself into my body too, and I feel the tension of you against me, quivering.

"Because it's what I would have done."

I'm speechless, unable to retaliate, unable to argue against you. I know you're stronger than that, but I'm amazed that you don't. I shouldn't have made you talk this weekend, I should have just been satisfied to be back, been satisfied with the difference of you. And now I can't help but feel as if I have a hand in this terrific and unstoppable pain.

"You wouldn't have Liv. I know you. You couldn't… not ever."

You turn your eyes up to meet me, the corners of your twin chocolate oceans caked with tear-salt. "Really? You think I couldn't have? Do you know what I did when I thought you were dead Alex? Before I saw you with my own two eyes, saw that you were still alive? I came back here and I pulled out a bottle of vodka and I stared at it. Then I got the Tylenol from the bathroom and stared at that next to vodka. I stayed that way all night. And the only thing that kept me alive was knowing that Elliot would be the one who'd have to call it in when he came to get me in the morning. I'm no stronger than Sophie was. And If I'd been in her shoes… I don't know.

"They raped her because she was gay Alex. Because of that silly little three letter word you were so angry about this morning. She died in a tub of water and blood because she was gay. Because she couldn't change who she was, and because I pushed her to tell the world about something that had already almost killed her once."

You've stopped crying and I can't help but think you've used up your supply of tears for awhile. You shiver in my arms and I put the washcloth aside, gathering you up and rubbing my hands up and down your back to warm you up.

"You're not Sophie Liv. And I'm not Julie. I wouldn't let you shove me away and watch someone hurt you. And if, god forbid, something like that did happen, which it wouldn't, I know you'd be strong enough to do what needed to be done, even if you felt like it was ripping you apart. I can't protect you from your job, and the truth is I can't protect you from yourself either, only you can do that. All I can do is hold you and tell you that I know you better than that.

"I know the woman I love, and she wouldn't let herself be done in by three morons with an eighth grade vocabulary."

I can feel your body relaxing against me, worn out from the force of your sobbing, worn out from the force of this day, of this week, of these years. During the night I take up my old role, soothing away your nightmares as you toss and shudder in my arms. Each time, I watch your eyelids flutter, your mouth skewed by terror or revulsion or pain… and I stroke your hair and whisper something you said to me not so very long ago… "i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you,"