Chapter Twenty-Nine: Preparations

Olivia

When I wake in the morning, my whole body aches. I remember collapsing at the sight of you at my door, and I turn my head to the side to find you watching me.

"Don called, he said to come in late. You and Elliot have an appointment to talk to Julie at 2pm. Elliot will be by to pick you up at one."

I nod, still too wrung out from yesterday to respond. I sigh and scoot closer to you, wanting to feel your warmth around me. I feel numb, and tired, and the only thing I can think of besides alcohol is being as close to you as possible.

"I called Hammond and asked him to push back my meeting with Casey, Branch and Donnelly."

I raise my eyebrows, "Hammond just let you do that?"

"He's not really as bad as we thought. I'll tell you about it later." You lean forward to kiss me gently, and I can't help feeling like your skating around something we need to talk about. I'm not really sure I have the energy for it, whatever it is.

"Liv, about yesterday."

"Alex…. please. I… can't talk about this right now." Anger brews behind your eyes, but you're quick to cover it up. "Just give me a bit to wake up first ok, and then… and then I'll be ready. I promise."

"It's ok. Just don't go back…" you're still tiptoeing around something and I remember what I did between the station-house and here.

"Lexi, I didn't buy anything to open it with. It was a reflex. I'm not used to having you here yet.

"Three of them Olivia. You bought three."

I shake my head… that can't be right. I know I must look confused, because I am. One bottle of Vodka I remember. But the other two? I can't help the next question,

"Did I … did I …" the look on your face stops me. "Oh god. Alex, baby I didn't know. I mean, I didn't mean to do it. Oh god. Why are you still here?"

"Olivia. Slow down. You opened one, even poured it in a glass. But I looked, and I don't think you actually drank it. Glass and bottle are still sitting on the counter. Looks like whatever amount is missing from the bottle is still in the glass."

I can't help choking back a sob, I'm relieved and terrified, what else did I do that I don't remember? My worries unstick my tongue,

"Jesus Alex. How did I let this happen? I should have told Casey I was done. This girl was walking the edge from the moment she reported the rape. No, it wasn't even her report… the girlfriend called the cops and the hospital filed the evidentiary report. Do you know what she said when I interviewed her in the hospital room?

'I wasn't raped. It's a mistake.'

"A mistake Alex. Her girlfriend called to report the rape and Sophie still wouldn't admit it."

"Sounds me like she couldn't admit it. Didn't Don mention something about her family being like, fundamentalist Catholics or something?"

"Yeah, some bizarre branch-off from Catholicism. The Pope's all well and good to these folks but he doesn't bear the same standing in their eyes as he does in the typical Catholic Church. To them, the Bible is the end all be all. You should have heard her talking about them, she was terrified. There were times during this thing when I thought Sophie would rather be raped again then have her folks find out she was gay. And this was a grown woman! She was living with her girlfriend for Christ's sake!"

"What about the girlfriend though, didn't you say she was there during the attack? Will she testify?"

"I don't know. I didn't get much of a chance to talk to her yesterday. I'm not sure I'm the best one to do it either. Maybe Cragen's right, Elliot too. Maybe I'm just too invested in this one." I turn my head away from you again, staring at the lilac-colored walls and feeling the smoothness of your body cradling me in a spoon. You run your fingers through my hair, longer too since you've been gone. When you speak your voice is barely above a whisper,

"I think you're the perfect person for this case Liv. You're the only person for this one. Elliot's great, and he has a great ability to maintain sensitivity no matter what, but you have to admit you have a unique… perspective to add to this. And I know you don't like it, and if I was Novak, I'd probably be trying to convince you to drop it, just like everyone else. But I'm not Novak, and I'm not Cragen, and I'm not Elliot. I know you can do this in a way that no-one else on that squad can."

Alex

"Livvy, you have an unparalleled insight into this case. You don't have to tell anyone why if you don't want to, but you can use this to open Julie up. Get her to talk to you, let her know that you understand. She's not going to talk to John or Fin or Elliot. And after meeting Novak yesterday I can pretty much guarantee she won't talk to Casey. But you can offer her something no one else can. Safety."

You scoff, "Safety? Safety Alex? The kind of safety I offered Sophie?"

"No Liv. The kind of safety you find in someone who understands loss. I may be back now, but I know you remember how you felt when you thought I was gone for good. Use that. Use that, and your characteristic strength, and yes, even use your fear. You can draw her out. And then we can get those bastards before they do this to someone else."

I'm taking a risk, asking you to use your fear, hoping you'll understand what I mean. I should never underestimate you… you know exactly what I'm talking about.

"I'm sorry, Alex… about this morning I mean. I've spent so many years pretending that the thought of being open about this terrifies me. I've seen what happens to gay cops, Alex. They end up raped, beaten, suddenly it's very easy to find themselves in the path of a bullet. Partners get unreliable and IAB gets interested."

"You really think you'd have a problem with those guys? Olivia those four men adore you. They would lay down their lives for you… hell, Elliot already has, probably more than once. Don and John and Fin and Elliot treat you like their sister. They'd rather die than let anyone come after you that way. Look, I'm not telling you to go yell it from the roof of the station house, but Elliot knows doesn't he? And when you told him, did the world end?"

"He seemed a little uncomfortable, but otherwise no, he was Elliot. Cragen was pretty ok with it too."

Now I'm surprised, "You told Don?" You nod in response. "What did he say?"

"That he didn't care who I slept with, as long as I was happy and it didn't affect the job."

That sounds like the Captain. Pretty much what I would have expected. "Liv they love you, we all do. Being gay is not something to be ashamed of. You don't have to hide this anymore. Look at Serena… didn't you say she came out not too long ago?

"Yeah, and she lost her job for it."

"Look, Branch can be a prick but I doubt that was it. Besides, Novak's still working for him."

"Novak? You're kidding me."

"She and Serena met when they were in law school. Evidently they've been together for years, it's the reason Novak moved to New York to take the SVU detail."

"I thought you said Novak would be the wrong person to talk to Julie?"

"She would. Novak doesn't know anything about loss. She doesn't understand what its like to be afraid to be who she is, not like you do. And let's face it… she's not the most sensitive person in the world. Quite frankly she and Serena are perfect for each other."

You turn your head and I can see a sheepish smile on your face. I'm glad to think I may have made you feel at least a little bit better.

"I guess it wouldn't hurt to talk to Julie one more time. Wanna tag along? It'll be like old times?"

"No, I can't pass that meeting with Novak and Hammond. Besides, I'll be with you the whole time. You can even wear my jacket again." Thoughts of you in my jacket take me back to the morning… "In fact, wait here…"

I pop out of bed and go to the living room, pausing to check the clock. It's only seven. Hammond won't be here till noon, and you have another hour after that to wait for Elliot. Plenty of time for a little… healing.