Part X

I know that they are very angry with me.

I know they don't understand.

I know that I don't deserve their forgiveness. Especially his.

I saw him in my dream last night. I don't know if it was really him or not. Sometimes I talk with Isabel in my dreams, and Michael too. Isabel and Michael have something, some connection between them. Though she is the only one who can choose to dream walk as she calls it, Michael sometimes shows up. Max does it rarely. There. I did it. I said his name. I'll say it again. Max.

I wish it didn't hurt to think about how he looked at me. He was so happy to see me. He wasn't going to let go of me. Why did I let go first? I knew he wasn't going to leave me. I let go to protect him. He has such a beautiful life. I'm so dirty. I have no place in his world. His world is filled with warm houses and loving family, and good food and wonderful smells. New and clean. Everything he has is new and clean!

I don't deserve to be around him. Nothing I own is nice enough for him. For them. They're all wonderful and…what's the word? Idealistic. They all still believe in so much good. Even Michael, who doesn't quite have the wonderful life that Max and Isabel have, believes in goodness. They think they want to go home. They think they want to know where we came from.

They asked me if I knew.

I lied to them. I did not deserve them, their kindness, their love, their protection. I didn't deserve it from Mrs. Evans, who was so gentle when she brushed my hair. I didn't deserve Mrs. Deluca's help with all my clothes. I didn't deserve Kyle, my brother. And I certainly didn't deserve Sheriff Valenti. He just brought me home, and it was home.

It's probably the only home I'll ever have.

I shouldn't say that. I sound bitter. I'm not. I'm glad it's me living like this instead of one of them. I'm glad they have their beautiful life with shiny toys and nice houses. I tried to explain it to him when I saw him last night. He was so sad. "Why, Tess, why? Why did you leave?"

I told him that Nasedo came for me.

"So?" He said. "You could've told him about us. Then maybe we could've gone home."

I couldn't explain that I don't trust Nasedo. I told him that he has never seen what happens to people that Nasedo thinks ask too many questions about us. I said that I would come back when it was all over.

He asked what it was.

I didn't answer, because I don't really know. But when it happens, I will know. I told Max that I missed him. Then he left. It hurts. I didn't get to ask about Kyle or the Sheriff or Isabel or his Mom or Michael or Mrs. Deluca and her noisy daughter. I didn't even get to tell him I love him. SO what? I know I'm a kid. I know we won't like get married—we're ten this time around, even though in our last lives we were in love. Sometimes I wish I remembered for real. Nasedo wants me to remember, to know so desperately that even when I do remember things I only tell him what he drags out of me.

I know some people would say that I am too mistrustful. To them I say, "Would you trust someone who considers the entire human race a pernicious self-important lot of vermin?"

I couldn't tell Max that I left so that he will never meet the real vermin. Because, hard as it is to imagine, there is worse than Nasedo. His name is Nicholas. Names that start with "N" are generally a bad sign in my acquaintance.

He went away, and I'm trying not to cry. It doesn't help that I went away first. I miss him so much. I thought I missed him before, because I remember him a little. He is so different here, and I love the boy I met. I wish I had the chance to grow up with him. But I love him enough to make this sacrifice for him. It is the only gift I have to give to him.

I miss Michael. I miss Kyle. I miss Isabel. I miss the Sheriff.

I miss the way Michael held onto my hand—like he wasn't ever going to let me go. I miss the boy that I think could've been my brother like Kyle's my brother.

I miss the fights Kyle and I used to have. I miss teasing him about the crush he had on Liz Parker. I tortured him with the fact that I had slept in her bedroom. I made him beg me to describe how it looked.

I miss Isabel, and having a friend who is a girl to talk about boys and hair and clothes and makeup with. She knew so much, and she wasn't shy about telling me stuff either. We watched TV and ate popcorn. She knew how to make things taste right.

I miss the Sheriff, who I think really loved me like his daughter. He tucked me in, and he let me have a night light, and he gave me a book about the stars. I know that there's a destiny waiting for me in the stars. But they are still beautiful.

Destiny is Nicholas' big word these days. He doesn't say so, but I know that he is getting scared. Nicholas is applying pressure to make him find the other members of the real royal four.

There's a set in New York. They got everybody all wrong, but if they would just work together, they would be a force to be reckoned with. Lonnie laughed at me, Rath spat, Zan nodded and said "I know". Ava, who is supposedly the other me, cowers all the time. They scare her, but she is special to Zan. I think she lets them scare her so that he will protect her. She wants to be protected.

I hate the words royal four. Nasedo pounds into my head that I am the fourth, the least, the last, the one with the lowest value. If you look at us like cars, Isabel is a Ferrari, Max is a Mercedes, Michael is a Harley Davidson motorcycle and I'm a '76 Ford pickup.

No. That isn't true. I sound bitter again. I really am not. I am proud that I can make this sacrifice for Max. Maybe one day, when I have sacrificed enough, I will go back and I will be worthy of his world.

His hot apple pie and fresh cookies world.