Chapter Thirty-Two: Trial and Error

Olivia

By the time I see you storming into the bullpen with Hammond at your heels, Elliot and I have had a chance to give all the new information to Cragen. He places a call to Novak and I'm glad to finally have something worthwhile to give her. Julie's memory of that night is incredibly vivid, as I'd both hoped and feared. She had especially important details about a unique piercing, and an unfortunately placed tattoo. Two of the three guys were sunk. If she could pick the third out of a lineup, he'd go down too.

I'm distracted from celebration by the sound of your heels clicking into the room. You grab my arm and pull me into the interview room, slamming the door behind us.

"That woman is insufferable!" I haven't seen you fuming like this in awhile… it's kind of sexy. Until I realize that you're genuinely angry.

"Meeting with Casey went well huh?"

"She practically accused you and Elliot of not knowing how to do your jobs."

"Why were you talking about me and Elliot?"

"It came up. She was asking me how I handled the job when I was here, and we got to talking about her and Serena and you and I and--"

"You told Casey about us! Alex, look, my reservations aside, I abhor that woman! How could you give her more ammunition to use against me? She's already on my ass about this without you pissing her off."

"Me pissing her off! Me? That woman... that woman. She… she! Argh!"

I jump at the sound of you pounding a fist on one-way. I go to your side and kiss the edge of your hand as you try to shake out the pain. "Alex, calm down. I tried to tell you she was infuriating."

Your shoulders are heaving, your breath heavy… I don't think I've seen you like this before. "What's going on Alex? Really?"

You turn to me, and I only hope noone decides to check in on us. I'm still holding your clenched fist, which I'm sure is starting to throb-- you're not used to hitting things. "I'm sorry Liv. I guess I'm a little worried about this testimony. I'm not used to being on that side of the witness stand, and then there's your case, and Novak just went too far. It's my fault, I opened the door by asking about Serena."

"Don't talk like a lawyer Alex. This isn't court. What happened?"

"She asked me how I did it, when I was on the squad. It was all well and good until I spit out the bit about us. Which I'm sorry for, by the way. She was mentioning being frustrated by Serena's unwillingness to discuss how she felt about being fired, and I popped out about how you used to do the same thing. You were right about her though, it took a minute before she connected your name with you."

I sigh, unwilling to have this fight right now. "It's ok. I get it. Believe me, I of all people understand how quickly Casey gets under your skin. Besides, maybe you're right about telling people anyway." I pause, and you stare straight ahead, I know your mind is somewhere else. "It'll be ok Alex. It's just a trial." My words fall flat, after these last two years we know that's not true.

"Look, at least its almost over right?"

You nod, but I can see you're still distracted.

"You should probably get out of here… Casey's on her way to hear about the new evidence."

"Julie talked?" You turn to meet my gaze, and I can see you trying to shift your focus to me.

"Yup. With a little help from her mom she finally told us everything. I think her memory is better than Sophie's was. Assuming tattoos and piercing match up, we should have enough visual evidence to make the charges stick again. And she has an amazing aural memory. Even Novak should be able to make the hate crimes stick now."

Your smile is tired, but I know you're trying.

"Do you have more meetings today?" You shake your head, and play with my fingers. "Do you think Hammond would let you stay with me again?"

"Probably. Turns out he is a human being. With a gay daughter."

"No kidding?"

"No kidding. He has humor and emotions and everything. He even chuckled today."

I wish you sounded amused. You look a little bit like me all of a sudden.

"Go home Alex. Have Hammond take you to my place, see if you can make him human enough to clean while he's there, our laundry's getting out of control." I lean in to kiss you as someone knocks on the one-way.

"Shit." For a minute I debate pulling away but decide to go with it. It's enough to shock you back to the present as you respond after a moment's hesitation. It's not a long kiss, but whoever knocked clearly can't wait. I'm not surprised to see Casey's head pop into the room over your shoulder.

"Detective? A word?" So much for office romance. I squeeze your hand and lead you out of the room, past your replacement.

"I'll see you at home. Agent Hammond-- take care of my girl ok?"

He nods curtly. I guess I'll have to take your word on the human thing.

Alex

I'm exhausted. Tired of this whole ordeal. The stress of the last two years seems to be catching up with me all of a sudden, and the idea of this trial frightens me. I've been so busy being scared and annoyed at my circumstances that I hadn't stopped to think about what happens when it's over. Seeing Novak in her office today, listening to her talk about Serena, and yes, about you makes me wonder what will happen when it's over.

I don't even bother to look at Novak after she interrupts our moment, just let you whisk me past her and into Hammond's capable hands. We leave the squad room and head towards his car. He opens the door for me, and helps ease me into the sedan.

"Where are we headed Miss Cabot? There's a hotel room waiting if you want it."

I shake my head, "Liv's." I need to be in your space, surrounded by your things, waiting for you to come home. We ride in silence for a while, my head turned to watch the streets of New York whizzing past me.

"You know, a lot of people choose not to go back. For a lot of people in WPP the idea of taking up their old lives is too stressful. It's too painful to watch the world they left behind try to take them back in, when it never stopped moving. No one is going to make you stay here. The department is willing to maintain your life in Oregon. All the papers can be transferred directly from our possession to yours, you can even keep the name if you want. Or just have it all transferred to your given name. It's a lot of paperwork, but the department understands how complicated this process can get for people."

I'm only half-tuned in to what Hammond is telling me. Trying to weed through my brain, decide what I want to do.

"You don't have to decide right now either, Alexandra." This first use of my full name brings me back to the moment.

"Thank you Agent Hammond. I guess I just didn't expect…"

"You didn't expect it to end. Most of them don't. And at this point, you might as well call me Jack."

"What do most people do? When they get out?"

"Most people don't get out. You're one of the lucky ones."

"Why don't I feel lucky?"

"Have you talked to your detective about this?"

"No. Mostly we've been talking about her. About the past. Sorting through some things."

"Maybe it's time to talk about you, and your future."

There's a beat, a pause…

"It's time for you to get used to having one."

I turn my head back to the window and nod as we pull up to your apartment. Hammond is right-- It's my turn now. My life.