Chapter Thirty-Three: Future

Olivia

I'm only paying cursory attention to Casey's questions, letting Elliot handle most of the answers, since he's the one with the notebook. I'm still worried about you, hoping you didn't go to the hotel that's been empty since your return. It seems like our psyche's aren't going to get a day off while you're here and I'm only sorry that today was your turn to take a beating.

"Well Detectives, it looks like you've finally given me something I can work with." Novak's tone is sarcastic, and Elliot puts a hand on my arm to stave off my anger.

"We can only give you what we get Casey. It's not like we weren't trying."

"I'm sure you were detective. I'm just glad you and your partner didn't blow the case"

Cragen cuts in, "Counselor, I'd suggest you watch what you say. These two detectives have been working their asses off trying to find something for you to latch on to. I also suggest if you have a better idea of how to work a case that next time, you do the legwork yourself. It's not our job to find evidence for you, it's your job to do something with the evidence we give you.

"Why do I feel like I've said this before?"

Elliot and I share a look. We've had this fight before, but last time the ADA was blond, and nearly got us fired.

"All right. Novak, go do your job, Olivia, Elliot, take a break. Good work today. Go home. And Miss Novak, the next time you want to accuse my detectives of not working hard enough, spend a day on the job with them, then come talk to me."

Elliot and I walk out of the office together, and I accept his offer of a ride home. I hear Casey's heels clicking behind us, catching up.

"You don't want to talk to me right now counselor."

"Olivia, wait. Let me explain."

"Explain what Casey? How you threatened me through my girlfriend?"

Elliot shifts in place, looking decidedly uncomfortable.

"Liv, I'm gonna get the car. See you downstairs in five?"

I nod, then turn the brunt of my anger on the Red-headed ADA. "You had no right to turn on Alex like that. Your job is to help her prepare for her testimony. Your problems with me have no bearing on her. You have a problem you talk to me."

"I'm sorry. When Don called I started thinking maybe she was right. I'm taking this case personally and instead of dealing with that I took it out on you and Elliot. Especially you."

"On Alex too. Who, quite frankly, has enough to deal with right now."

Casey has the good sense to look ashamed. She nods, and for once I can see contrition in her eyes.

"Problems at home?" I can't help being petty. Even though I know she's sorry, I'm still angry at the way she spoke to you.

Casey nods. "Serena is… upset. She's thinking of moving to Washington, joining a law-firm that specializes in equality law. I'm not really sure what's going to happen with us." She pauses, and I see her eyes soften, "I'm glad you got Alex back Detective. She'll be good for you. I doubt she lets you get away with much."

I can't help but chuckle. "No. Not a damn thing."

Alex

I didn't hear you come in. I was in a half-sleep, listening to the hum of the television Hammond is watching in the other room. I don't know you're home until I feel you slide into the bed next to me, stretching your arms around me, turning me gently to face you.

"Where's Hammond?"

"Agent Jack has gone back to the hotel, after making me swear not to let anything happen to you. I think he might have a crush on you."

"He just understands me more now I think. He told me today I remind him of his daughter."

"Wow, high praise coming from the fascist himself."

We fall quiet together, and I take a moment to enjoy that familiar safety of your arms around me. This is your specialty, making me feel protected.

"I talked to Novak before I left."

"Is she happy about Julie's testimony?"

"Yes." You pause and I can tell you want to tell me more.

"What?"

"She apologized. For getting angry at you, at us."

"Does she do that a lot?"

"Apologize? Casey? Never. I think she's just worried about Serena. Sounds like maybe she'll be leaving New York."

"I should call her. Serena, I mean. I haven't talked to her since I got back. I still can't believe Branch fired her. Seems bizarre."

"I don't know anything about it. I'm not really in the legal-gossip circuit. And I try to stay as far away from the likes of Branch and Donnelly as I can."

"Hmm.---- Olivia, what happens now?"

"What do you mean? You testify day after tomorrow, then Friday I thought maybe you'd like to listen to the closing, wait for the jury to come back. I asked Don for the day off."

"I don't know if I should stick around." You look surprised and I try to explain. "I thought maybe I should head back to Oregon for a little while, get things in order."

"You mean pack, sell the house? That sort of order?"

"Maybe."

You shake your head, your eyes full of questions. I know you didn't expect this.

"What do you mean, maybe? I thought you wanted this… I thought you wanted to come back. What about us?"

"I don't know what I want Olivia. I think maybe I got so excited about being with you again that I didn't stop to think about the rest of it."

"But Alex, I lo-- I stop you with a kiss, not ready to hear you say that right now.

"I know Livvy. It's just… for the first time in two years I actually have a choice. And I'm not sure what I want to do. It doesn't change how I feel about you. I'm just not sure how I feel about my life. Besides, what would I do here? Novak has my job, and it's not like there's a loft for me to move into again. All of my stuff is gone, and I'm certainly not going to move in with mother.

"I have a whole life in Oregon. Maybe it's not the best but it's a life. I wouldn't have to start over… again. And as far as 'us'… there are airplanes, and trains, and cars, and buses. Telephones and the internet. You know I'm alive, you know where I am."

"You have a whole life here, you can live here, Alex. We did it once before. And it'll be even better now, you know that. You can work independently, start a new law practice. Hell, with your background you could run for mayor for Christ's sake. Just… don't leave me again."

Olivia

I can't believe I'm hearing this. After all of this time, after all that we've talked about since you've been back… you're going to leave again?

"Livvy. Please. Just listen to me. I wouldn't be leaving you…"

"Really? That's funny since I don't remember having a clone in Oregon." I know I sound like a child, but the idea of losing you again terrifies me, and I feel like this is coming out of left field. I wasn't even remotely prepared. I just assumed that when you went back to Oregon next week it would be so that you could get ready to move back here.

"Olivia."

"Alex."

I can't stand this feeling. "Alex you can't just leave again. I thought this was the end. I thought we got to start over now. How can we start over if you go back all the way across the country?"

"Slowly. Like we did before."

"Alex we have never done anything slowly and you know it."

"Well, maybe that's our problem."

"Are you serious? Alex, don't blow all of our progress by dwelling on all the mistakes we've made-- the mistakes I've made! We finally have a real chance here."

"We can still have a relationship if I go back."

I want to believe you. I want to agree, to say that we could make it work. But I know better. I've waited for two years to get you back. And yes, I would have waited longer if I'd had to. But now you're here. And I can't do that again. Not now.

"No Alex, we can't. I can't spend my life waiting for you to come back to me."

Alex

"I'm not asking you to wait forever Olivia, just give me time."

"Yes, you are Alex. You're asking me to let you go away again, only this time, I get to let you go knowing you had the chance to come back every single day. I hated losing you the first time. It nearly killed me to be without you. I never got used to having to live every single day without you. The only reason I didn't go totally crazy is knowing that you would have come back if you could have.

"So now you're back and you're telling me that you want to go away again? I can't play this game Alex. I won't. I have to have a life too."

"Dammit Liv, you've had a life. You got to stay here, keep your job. Nobody had to call you by another name, you didn't have to change your hair, your eyes, everything. You didn't have a team of federal agents following you around. You didn't have to give up everything you ever wanted and lose everything you really loved."

"See, that's what you don't understand Lexi, I did lose everything. I did give up everything. I lost you. Twice, if you'll recall. First you died, and then they took you away. In the course of a week I lost my whole world twice. Maybe you had already walked out on us, but there was still a chance. There was always a chance, until you decided one trial was more important than everything else."

You don't say it but I know you're thinking something a little different. Thinking that I decided the Valez case was more important than you.

"Olivia, I love you. I love you and I can't tell you how glad I am to be here, with you, now. We both gave up so much because of Valez, and now we're both charging ahead without thinking about what we really want."

You interrupt-- "I know what I want Alex. I want you back with me. I thought that's what you wanted too."

"It is."

"So what is the problem? Why can't I be enough for you right now?"

I just don't know how to explain this to you. How can I explain something I don't really understand myself?

"Because nothing is enough for me right now. For the first time since I started going after Zapata and Valez, I have a chance to really live. I'm a ghost here Liv. I'm always going to be running into someone who knew me when. I'll always be forced to come up against the person I was before I died. Do you know why I haven't called Serena yet? Do you?"

You shake your head, and I can see you trying not to cry, surprised that you haven't pulled away from me during all of this arguing. I think maybe you're holding me tighter than when we started.

"Because calling Serena means having to tell her that I'm alive."

"I'm sure Casey's told her that by now."

"I know Liv, but it's different. How do you talk to someone who thinks you've been dead? I don't have the energy to explain my last two years a thousand times a week. If I go back to Oregon now, then maybe someday, if I decide to come back here, my reincarnation will already have made it through the gossip circles. Maybe if I wait to come back for good I can just start fresh here, and not have to remind people that I'm alive. Does that make any sense at all?"

"A little. But Alex, what if I can't wait that long?"

I wasn't really expecting this, but I suppose it's a fair question, given the circumstances.

"I guess I can't ask you to. You've certainly done more than your fair share of waiting for me." You're crying now, not bothering to brush at your cheeks. I hold you for a while, letting you adjust to the things I've said. As you cling to me I feel like I should say something, try and make it right…

"Look, I don't have to make a decision tonight. It was just… a thought."

"Right. So why did you say it then?" I barely understand the question beneath your sobs.

"Because if I decide to go back, I didn't want you to be surprised."

Your voice is nearly gone, and you respond in a hoarse whisper between tears, "I'm surprised."