Chapter Thirty-Four: Advice

Olivia

I wake up before our alarm and crawl out from under your arm, careful not to wake you. I'm still in shock from your talk last night, and as much as I know I should stick around to talk to you this morning, I can't stand the thought of being here knowing you're going to leave me again.

I call Hammond and ask him to come early, that I need to get out for a bit before work. He sounds groggy, and annoyed, but he comes anyway.

"What do I say when she asks where you are?"

"Tell her I went for a walk before work."

"Look, detective, I don't know what she told you, but this is never easy. Some witnesses… they get used to the newness. Some don't. Honestly I thought this one was going to go crazy having to be somebody else, but that doesn't make it any easier to get back to what got left behind."

"Yeah well, I guess it doesn't much matter now anyway. She'll go back, pick up in Oregon, start fresh. I just thought she was in love with me. Guess we'll both survive this one."

"Detective…"

"Look, Hammond? Just do your job ok? Watch her until she's safe again, and leave it at that."

"Any messages for her?"

I think, trying to figure out something I could tell you. "Just… tell her I lover her ok? And maybe it would be best if you take her to the hotel until the trial's over. She'll be safer there once everyone knows she's back."

I know it's a cop out, and so does Hammond, but he can tell I don't want to fight about it, and the hand resting on my gun convinces him further. I leave the apartment without ducking in to kiss you goodbye the way I would have yesterday. I'll let you decide what you want without trying to sway your judgment.

I shove my badge and gun in the zip-up messenger bag I like to carry while I run. That way I have a spare t-shirt and deodorant and I can go straight from running to work without having to stop back home. I take off down the street, making a lazy jogger's path between my apartment and the station house across town. I use the time to think about what you told me last night.

I still can't believe you want to go back there. You spent all that time telling me how much you hated being in Oregon, hated your job, hated your name, hated your life. But now, two days before you're set to go back and get things ready to return to me, you think you want to stay there? I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall with you. Ever since we first started dating it's been this way… up and down and up and down, and usually it's my fault. I guess I had it coming. But I still don't understand why.

Something I said to you last night comes back to me as I approach the station.

"Why can't I be enough for you right now?"

"Because nothing is enough for me right now…I'm a ghost here."

The thing you don't see is that you're not a ghost to me. And I still feel like that should be enough. All I can do is hope that you change your mind. For the first time in years, I find myself saying a prayer. I don't think I can lose you again, especially not when it's your choice to leave.

Alex

I knew you were upset when I woke up to a cold bed. For a minute I'm immobilized by your absence. I hear movement in the living room, and I can only assume that you called Hammond to watch over me before you left. I can't help but wish I knew what was going through your mind right now. I should have kept my mouth shut, it's not as if I've made a decision about this, I just… didn't want to dump it on you at the last minute. I didn't want to call from Oregon in a week and tell you I wasn't coming back.

I shut off the alarm, and drag my body from the bed. I think this is the first time I've woken up with clothes on since I got back. It's not a feeling I'm enjoying. I strip in the bathroom, dropping my sweats in a hamper with your clothes. I should do laundry when I get back later. If I left it up to you we'd never have clean clothes. In the shower I step under a scalding hot stream, trying to wash away my fears. Today I have a meeting with Branch, and lunch with Donnelly. I'm not really looking forward to either of them. I'm hoping to have a chance to ask Donnelly about Serena's firing. She's usually up on all the good gossip-- but her versions generally have some root in the truth.

Thinking about talking to Donnelly reminds me that I need to actually call Serena. She's a good friend, when I was really frustrated by our relationship; Serena was the one I talked to. I told you last night that I don't want to call her because I'm not ready to explain myself again. You and the squad voiced your opinions about my going after Zapata, but none of you heard Serena. I'm a little afraid of an "I told you so." She likes those. Likes to be right. I'm just not sure I'm ready to see those too-blue eyes. Too green-eyes. It's a cop out-- but I can't help thinking the phone works both ways. Surely Casey's told her that I'm back, and knowing me the way she does, Serena would know to call me here. I use it as an excuse and decide to let her call me first.

My meeting with Branch is first, and I dress in clothes the old me had in spades: dark suit, light shirt, heels, hose, glasses of justice. heh Will there ever be anything in my life that doesn't immediately make me think of you? You must be at work by now, called out to a scene maybe? Or cleaning up paperwork? Are you and Elliot and Cragen finishing up the details of the Patterson case? Are you still angry? Still hurt? You're right, about the changes. I can't believe the differences I see in you now. A long time ago, our conversation last night would have made you pull away from me, made you sleep away from me, at the edge of our bed, not touching. But last night, even in your frustration and your pain and your surprise, you slept in my arms-- clinging to me.

So what do I do? Do I stay, just because I can see you're different? Do I stay just because I know how much you need me? Or do I take this opportunity to go back and figure out what I really want now that this is all over?

I finish dressing, step into the living room and see Hammond sitting at the kitchen table, waiting. "Sorry, I'm not late right?"

"No." He has a funny look on his face, something I don't recognize.

"What? What's wrong?"

"She went to work."

"I figured. Did she say something to you?"

Hammond shifts in his chair. I can tell he doesn't want to be in the middle of this.

"That she loves you…"

"And?" I know there's more, even without his hemming and hawing.

"Maybe it would be best if I take you to the hotel until the trial's over. She thinks you'll be safer there once everyone knows your back and testifying."

I nod curtly, knowing that's not why you want me away. It has nothing to do with my safety. You can keep me safer than any federally funded hotel room. This is about last night, and while I don't blame you I'm angry. This seems an awful lot like the "Old Olivia." Maybe I'm making the right choice after all.

Olivia

I'm halfway through my day, wading through old paperwork, trying to tie up loose ends and making a valiant effort not to think about you when I see Hammond striding into the bullpen. My stomach drops when I see that you're not with him. It's not like him to leave you alone… I don't think.

"Oh god… what happened? Where is she?"

"Is there somewhere we can talk?"

"Oh my god. oh my god oh my god."

I lead him into Cragen's office and close the door.

"Hammond, where is she?"

"She's fine, at a meeting with… Arthur Branch? I left Rosco outside the door. He's good, don't worry."

"And you came here why? To scare the shit out of me?"

"I want to talk to you."

"About what?" Suddenly I'm starting to see what you mean about Hammond.

"About your girlfriend. I don't think you're handling this the right way."

"You have got to be kidding me. Look Hammond, I think you and I have had enough talks to last our entire lifetimes. If you recall, they don't end well. I generally end up losing my girlfriend and wanting to kill you."

Hammond doesn't listen to my protest, just launches off in his typical fashion, "I know how hard this is for you, and for her. I've watched people going into WPP for years. Working with the DEA you see it a lot. We don't see as many people come out of it though, not just because the danger doesn't go away, but because a lot of these people, like Miss Cabot, find it difficult to return to a life that didn't stop moving when they left.

"It's especially hard for someone like your girlfriend. Not only has the world kept going without her, but there's someone new doing her job, her old home is now someone else's, she has friends and family who may never find out she didn't die, even if she does come back. And if she returns to the legal profession, she will forever have to explain to people that she is in fact, that Alex Cabot, that she is in fact, not dead, and everyday she's going to be confronted with her own ghost. It's not an easy prospect to consider."

"And what about me Agent Hammond? Huh Jack? Maybe the world didn't stop moving without her, but I did. I did my job, I handled my cases, I lived day in and day out. But I was stalled, for two years." I can't help my anger. "For the first time in two years I feel like my life is moving forward with me for a change. And now she wants me to put everything on hold again and wait? No. I'm done waiting."

"And if she left, you'd what, find someone else?"

"Maybe." It's a lie and he knows it.

Alex

My meeting with Branch is… typical. Mostly. He seems, like a lot of the people I've encountered, to be vaguely uncomfortable with my presence. I almost wish you were here to see it, then maybe you'd understand what I was talking about last night.

"Well, do you feel you're ready for the trial tomorrow Alexandra?"

I squirm in the chair across from Arthur's desk, at once uncomfortable, and yet… not feeling like I've been gone for all that long. "As ready as I can be I suppose."

"How does it feel to be on the other side of the witness stand?"

"I don't know yet, I don't testify until tomorrow."

"Don't split hairs with me Alexandra. What are your plans now that it's over?"

Ah, the famous question.

"I haven't really decided that yet. I'm flying back to Oregon on Monday."

"And will you be returning to New York, or have you chosen to continue your new life?"

"Well, that's sort of… up in the air right now. There's a lot to consider."

"It's not like you to straddle the fence Alexandra. What's the problem?"

"It's complicated."

"You're used to complicated. You never did know when you were getting in over your head. That never used to stop you from charging in anyway."

"There are certain… relationships to consider this time. And a job, which I don't have here anymore obviously."

"What exactly have you been doing in… where is it, Oregon?"

I nod. "Legal assistance to an Oregon based national company. Mostly I provide basic legal advice and defense strategies for corporate misdeeds."

"And you enjoy this job?"

"No. But it's as close to the law as they'd let me get. So I took it."

"Well, I'd offer you a position here, but as you know we've just replaced Serena and Casey seems to be taking to her position fairly well."

That's not what I've heard, but I don't challenge Branch.

"So, what do you think of Serena's replacement?" It's a fishing question, and Arthur knows it.

"I didn't fire her because she's gay Alexandra."

"I didn't say anything."

"It was implied. You forget I know the way your head works."

"Well, since you brought it up, are you sure it's not because she's gay? How did you find out anyway?"

"At the last black tie fundraiser she brought a date, a statement."

"A date?" I'm surprised since Casey seemed to imply that she and Serena had been together for a while. Although it wouldn't surprise me to have Serena leave Casey at home and bring a backup as a statement.

"Yes. But that's not why she was fired Alexandra, so get that thought out of your head. She's better off on the other side of the table. And as I'm sure you're aware, there are other gay attorneys in this office. Attorneys who have not been fired."

"I wasn't questioning your judgment Arthur. In fact, if you'll recall you're the one who brought up the question of her sexuality."

Branch startles me by laughing. "Noone can argue semantics like you, Alexandra. You're missed here."

"Yeah. Well…" I sneak a look at my watch and realize that I have to go if I'm going to meet Liz for lunch.

"Alexandra, when you get back, if you come back… come talk to me. If nothing else I can certainly give you a recommendation."

"Thanks Arthur."

"Good luck tomorrow."

I leave the office, surprised to find Rosco waiting instead of Hammond.

"Where's Jack?"

"He had a thing."

"A thing?"

"A thing."

"Jason…" My tone implies a certain threat.

"He went to talk to your girlfriend."