Chapter Thirty-Five: Testify

Olivia

It's odd, being back here without you after the last few days. I can't believe you've been back less than a week and we're already fighting again. At least this time I don't feel responsible. I wish that meant I also didn't feel guilty, but I do. You have your friend agent Hammond to thank for that. Nothing like being dressed down by a federal agent to get the wheels turning.

It looks like you got the message this morning. Your dirty clothes are still in the hamper, but your bags are gone. If your leather jacket wasn't still slung over the chair in the bedroom, I could almost forget you were ever here. Well… almost. I can still smell you in my bed, and I curl into your side, my head on your pillow, trying to figure out how this happened again.

Tomorrow, you have to testify against Valez' assassin. It took me awhile to realize that you and Tonio are witnesses for the same case. I guess I've been distracted. Monday the trial starts on the three mousketeers who raped Sophie. Julie called and asked if I'd meet her and her mother for lunch on Monday afternoon. They want to meet with Sophie's mother and talk about everything that's happened. I didn't have the heart to say no. You'll be on your way back to Oregon then. Leaving me again.

I pitch around in the bed for a few hours, then give up on sleep. I pad barefoot into the living room and curl up on the couch in my sweatpants, tank top… and your leather jacket. Maybe I was too hard on you last night. The things Hammond said today made sense, in an annoying sort of way. Last night I accused you of not understand where I was coming from. But I think I'm guilty of the same thing. I'm not sure why I thought it would be easier having you back.

I flip lazily through the TV stations, not really looking for anything in particular. Most of the shows this late are infomercials, and since I really think my current knife set is just fine, and my thighs are toned just the way you like them… I turn the TV back off. I feel restless, and nervous. I'm worried about the trial, worried about you. Everyone at work has been dancing around it all week, not asking the questions they know I don't want to answer. I've been trying to pretend it wasn't happening. Acknowledging this trial means thinking about when you left, and despite all of our discussion, we both want to leave it in the past. I'm starting to feel like maybe you want to leave us in the past too.

Maybe you're right, maybe after all of this I just can't be enough for you. I guess I'd just feel better if you'd let me try. I know I should sleep. I still have piles of paperwork to do, things that got shoved aside while I was trying to get evidence for Casey last week, and while I was spending time with you this week. If I want to get to the courthouse in time to watch you testify, I need to keep my head together while I'm at work.

I return to the bedroom and lie down… not bothering to take off your jacket, pretending it's your arms around me. I lie awake this way until my alarm goes off at six. At work I push papers around on my desk, sitting in silence across from Elliot while Munch and Fin go to a scene. At two, Cragen pulls me into his office.

"Well?"

"Well what Captain?"

"Shouldn't you be getting over to the courthouse?"

"I don't think I should go. I kind of get the feeling she wants to do this on her own."

"Trouble at home Benson?"

"No. Just…"

"I've known you for a lot of years Detective. And although Alex wasn't my favorite person to begin with it'd take an idiot to deny the fact that she's good for you."

"She's the one that got me to quit drinking."

"I figured as much. So what's the problem?"

"She's going back to Oregon on Monday."

"And?"

"And she may not come back."

Cragen leans back in his seat, staring me down.

"So what are you going to do? Do I need to start looking for a new detective?"

I'm blindsided. It never occurred to me that I could go with you. Probably because we both know I could never leave New York.

"I could never leave New York. Don't worry Don, I'm not going anywhere."

"I can imagine that Alex said the very same thing a few years ago."

It's something I never even considered. The fact that he's right stings. And it makes me think that maybe the key is giving you a real reason to stay behind.

"I've gotta go. Most of those files are done, Elliot's working on the rest, I'll get Fin to cover the end of my shift. Am I still off tomorrow?"

"Yes. But Olivia, don't do anything you'll regret, ok?"

I just hope it's not too late for that.

Alex

I look out from the stand and hope to see you sitting in the observation section, but all I see is Casey in front of me, waggling her eyebrows, and trying to make a point. I think I've found the missing passion. She does a decent job in the courtroom, but I can still hear things I think she should be asking, points she should be making. I recite my testimony, talking about the car the shooter was driving, about my knowledge of Valez' threats, of Zapata's organization. I keep trying to see beyond Casey, trying to find you and seeing only the faces of Hammond and Rosco, then watching Liz enter and sit in the back, not sure if she's here to see me or Novak as she seems to be splitting her attention between the two of us.

By the time I'm done I'm exhausted. I'm used to asking questions, not being interrogated, and the defense lawyer is brutal, calling me back to the night of the shooting, questioning my memory. I have to bite my tongue to keep from snapping at him, telling him it's hard to forget certain things when your girlfriend is standing above you watching you die.

When I'm dismissed, Hammond and Rosco flank me, taking me out of the courtroom and into the hall… where I finally see you.

Olivia

The look on your face is of sheer relief as you see me waiting in the hall. You shake off the goons -- I suppose I should stop calling them that now-- and run to me, the stress of this day wiping out our last argument.

"It's over Lexi, it's ok. It's all over now. It's out of your hands."

I've been sitting next to Tonio on the bench, waiting for you to return. You pull away from me and hand something to him, wiping tears from your eyes, trying to show him a brave face.

"You can do this Tonio. Don't worry, it's easy. Just tell them the truth."

He nods, still looking frightened, and taking back what looks like a coin on a small silver chain.

"Can we go home now Livvy?"

"Yeah, yes… let's go. Do you need to tell Liz anything before you go? Or talk to Arthur?"

"No. I just want to go."

"Ok… ok." I nod to Hammond and a younger gentleman I can only assume is Jason Rosco. "I'll take her back to my place. We'll call."

Hammond nods and walks away with Rosco.

I lead you from the courthouse, to find Elliot waiting with the sedan outside.

"What are you doing here?"

"Cragen thought you might need a lift home. May I?"

He opens the backdoor and holds it open as I crawl in behind you.

"How did it go?"

"It was fine Elliot. Thanks for the ride."

"Anytime Alex. You think the ID will stick?"

"If Tonio gets up and is able to tell them what he knows without getting railroaded by the defense, I think our combined testimony will kill the guy."

"What happens now?"

I feel you lean your head against my shoulder, shifting your weight against me, settling into my body next you on the backseat. I reach a hand around your shoulder, pulling you to me, and playing with the ends of your hair.

"We haven't really decided that yet El. We both have a lot of thinking to do."

"When are you moving back Alex?"

I can feel you tensing in my arms,

"Alex may stay in Oregon for awhile. Decide what she wants to do."

You tilt your head to look at me, wondering if you heard correctly.

I lean and whisper that I decided you were right, which is not easy for me to admit. I don't want to let you go again.

Elliot doesn't respond, but insists on walking us to the door when we reach my apartment. As I lock the door behind him you pull me into a tight hug. "Did you mean it?"

"Hammond came to see me yesterday. He had some … valid points to make. I think maybe I've been rushing you into coming back this week."

"Olivia, it's not like I don't want to come back. I just need to know that I'm doing it because I want to, and not just because I can. I need to know I have something to come back to."

"What about me?"

"Well, you're a huge incentive, that's true. But to paraphrase, 'one cannot live by love alone.' I need to decide what to do now. And I need that to include more than just you. You know that. We'd drive each other crazy if I was stuck here all day with nothing to do. And the odds are with you-- I don't get to carry a gun."

I can't help but chuckle at your logic. You have a point. And as much as I feel like I could get used to you puttering around the house all day, I definitely wouldn't want you to take over in the kitchen. Experience has shown that cooking is not your forte. I'm a little afraid that you'd experiment if you had nothing else to do. A memory of homemade teriyaki comes to mind and makes me cringe.

"Teriyaki?" How do you always know what I'm thinking?

"Yup."

"Sorry about that."

"No, it's fine. But you're right. You could never be happy just hanging around the house. And I couldn't ask you to do it."

"Maybe not never Olivia, just… not right now. Right now I've spent too much time living by someone else's rules. It's time for me to make my own."

It's the same thing you told me night before last, but this time I'm a little more receptive.

"How long?"

"I'm not sure. A month, two months, six? Maybe a year."

"A year?" Despite my understanding, the thought of a year between us knocks my breath out.

"I don't know Livvy, I just need to do this. I won't ask you to wait for me."

"I'll wait. I mean, I can wait. What else can I do? You deserve this. Just… don't forget that I'm here ok?"

You lean in towards me, taking my hands in yours, pulling me closer,

"Not in a million years."

Alex

It's amazing how quickly we stop fighting. Yesterday we slept on opposites sides of town, and I thought maybe I'd have to leave without even getting to say goodbye. I can't help wondering exactly what Hammond said to you yesterday. I'll have to make a point to thank him before I go.

I pull away from a particularly delicious kiss to continue our talk. Which is, admittedly… difficult. How on earth do you do this to me?

"Does the offer about tomorrow still stand?"

You look as sorry about the broken kiss as I feel. And I can see that lusty depth in your eyes. "You mean about watching the closing? Of course. I checked with the Captain and I have the day off if I want it. Are you sure you want to be there?"

Yesterday I would have said no. The way this turns out may take the choice back out of our hands. If for some reason the jury doesn't buy Tonio's ID, or my testimony… I'll have to go back. No choice. Forever. And it'll mean moving again. Too many people know where I was. You and I both know that tomorrow could end all of this arguing for us. And all of the bliss too.

"I think it's important for me to be there. I don't want to hear it from Hammond, or anyone else. If this goes wrong… I want to know right away."

"It won't go wrong Alex. They'll give him the death penalty; they'll kill him, you have to believe that."

"And if they don't? If they let him go?"

You pause, taking my hand again and pulling me to you, and I put my head on your shoulder.

"Then I'll kill him."