Chapter Thirty-Seven: Panic

Olivia

As soon as I pull you off the bench I can see something's wrong.

"Livvy?"

"Alex-- we won. They convicted him. It's over baby. It's over."

You look confused for a minute, and then I see your eyes start to roll, and feel your weight dragging towards the floor.

"Alex? ALEX!

"Hammond! Rosco, something's wrong! CASEY!"

I hear Casey's heels clicking across the courtroom, their pace clipped and quick.

"Olivia, what happened?"

"I don't know she just… went down. Jesus. Alex? Baby can you hear me?"

Your body is lolling in my arms, and somewhere in the back of my mind I think you've fainted. But the sight of you collapsed terrifies me and I can't bring it to the front.

"Somebody call a bus!"

"Olivia, hold on. Maybe she just fainted."

"I don't care Casey. Just call."

"Olivia…"

"DO IT!"

Casey pulls out her cell phone and calls for a bus, then clicks over to call Elliot.

I'm sitting on the floor, squatting awkwardly because you fell and took me with you, and I can't bear to put you down. And even when the EMS team comes in I don't let you go, just scoop you up and take you to the gurney they've brought in. I'm worried that you haven't woken up yet. I hold your clammy hand in mine as they wheel you to the waiting ambulance, trying to push me out of the way.

Elliot arrives just in time, and with a little show of his gun and badge convinces the paramedic that I'm riding along, promising to meet us at the hospital. When the paramedic mentions that you look pale I start to cry, scared to death that something is seriously wrong. Why didn't I notice this? Why didn't I notice that you weren't feeling well?

My mind flashes back over the last week, imagining all kinds of signs that I missed, wondering if I've pushed you too hard, made you do too much when you were already stressed about this day.

"Alex… please baby wake up. Jesus, don't leave me again, please Alex. Lexi. Lexi you have to wake up now."

The paramedics work around me, checking pressures and heartbeats, not telling me anything. When we get to the hospital they whisk you away from me, asking me who needs to be called, refusing to tell me anything.

"Detective Benson, I understand that you're concerned, but we need to know who to call."

"You don't need to call anyone, I'm here."

"A family member?"

"Her mom lives in Long Island. But I don't remember the phone number."

Elliot comes up behind me, handing the youngish doctor a slip of paper. "This is the number." The doctor hurries away to make his calls, leaving me desperate for some shred of information.

"Olivia what happened? Casey said she fainted, why are we here?"

"I don't know Elliot. God." I'm crying again, distraught. "They read the verdict and she didn't react for a minute. I pulled her up… pulled her up to hug her and she moved her lips. I kept saying we won and then she… she just… fell."

"I'm sure she just fainted, Liv… it'll be ok."

"Why didn't she wake up again? She should have woken up again."

"It's going to be ok."

"Why wouldn't they tell me anything?"

"It's going to be ok. She just fainted Liv. It'll be ok."

I can barely speak, but Elliot still hears me, "What if it's not?"

Alex

I can hear you yelling at Casey. Then feel you clutching my hand as my body bumps on the gurney in the ambulance. Every once in a while I hear one of the paramedics saying something, but mostly it's just black. I can't figure out why I'm so tired all of a sudden. I want to open my eyes, want to look at you, but I can't lift the lids.

I finally give up on trying to fight whatever this is, and I succumb to my exhaustion as I hear you begging me to wake up.

Olivia

Your mother arrives with her usual dignity, asking curt questions and terrifying nurses. I find myself squashed in waiting room chairs between her and Elliot, still crying. She has been cordial, but brief. Kinder to Elliot. I can't help thinking she knows about us and isn't thrilled. I sort of expected that though.

When the young doctor comes out to speak to her, I start to get up but Elliot stops me with his hand.

"Elliot. Let me go. I need to hear this."

"She'll tell you in a minute."

"You mean she'll tell you in a minute."

"Yes well, I haven't been sleeping with her daughter."

"Screw you."

"Glad to see you're getting your attitude back."

Your mother stands in front of us, arms crossed, speaking only to Elliot.

"The doctor says she's exhausted. She developed an irregular heartbeat, only temporary… stress-related. As closely as they can speculate she … missed a beat or some such nonsense in the courtroom and it caused her to faint."

"Is… is she going to be all right?" My voice quivers, still terrified.

She directs her answer to Elliot, "She needs to rest. Undisturbed." Now she shoots a look my way. "If she stays stable through the night they'll talk about releasing her tomorrow. I'm going to ask the federal agent to postpone her flight back to Oregon. Then when she's released I'll take her home until she leaves."

"No."

For the first time, your mother turns to look directly at me.

"I beg your pardon?"

I still my voice, trying to be calm. "When they release her, she's coming back to the apartment with me. I'm sure she'll be glad that you're concerned Mrs. Cabot, but I can take care of my girlfriend myself."

I can see your mother's anger seething. "Listen, Detective. I've heard all about you. And while at one time I thought perhaps I could indulge Alexandra's little … charity project, clearly you can't care for her properly."

"Charity project? Charity project! I'm not a charity project, I'm her girlfriend. I love her."

"Alexandra is famous for picking up strays. She always liked to have an orphan around to help."

Elliot's hand barring my chest is the only thing preventing me from ripping your mother's head off her lily-white neck. "It's not worth it Liv."

I don't bother trying to shake him off, toning down my rage to a rolling boil. "At least I'm not an uptight, hypocritical bitch who can't accept her own daughter, even after she's lost her once already."

Your mother looks stricken and I know I've hit a nerve. I should feel bad, but I don't, I'm too worried about you.

Alex

I wake up to the sound of a coat rustling beside the bed. At first, I think it's you, getting ready to crawl in with me. But as I blink my eyes against the harsh white light, I realize it's someone in a white lab coat, staring at a monitor besides me. It takes a minute for me to figure out where I am. I remember being in court, watching Casey's closing, then waiting outside for the verdict. Did we hear it?

I look to my left, expecting to see you there. Instead, my mother sits perched delicately on a dirty plastic hospital chair. The kind that are supposed to look comfortable for visitors but never are.

"Mo--" my mouth is dry and it takes me a few tries to actually make a noise.

"Mother?"

"Alexandra. I'm glad you're awake."

"Mother where's Olivia?"

"Your detective friend is waiting in the waiting room. She slept out there all night. She absolutely refuses to leave."

"Is she ok?"

"She's obstinate, ornery, and exceedingly rude. Why on earth are you friends with her?"

"Because I love her mother. We've had this discussion before."

"Don't get worked up Alexandra. They've already decided to keep you an extra night as it is."

"I want to see Olivia mother."

"I'm afraid I can't allow that Alexandra, it's not proper. It's time you abandoned this little project."

"She's not a project mom, she's my girlfriend."

"Alexandra when are you going to give up this ridiculous notion."

"It's not a notion mother, I'm gay. And I'm a grown woman besides."

"Calm down Alexandra."

"If you want me to calm down then you'll leave. And on your way out you'll send in my girlfriend. She's probably beside herself with worry, unlike some people."

She looks as though I might have actually hurt her feelings, but for once I'm not concerned with making my mother happy. She stalks out of the room without another word. As she leaves, a doctor enters and fills me in on the details. I stop listening at the sight of you leaning in the doorway. You're trying to look nonchalant, but I can tell you didn't sleep last night. Your eyes are underlined with black rings

"I saw your mother."

"I'm sorry."

"It's ok. I'm more worried about you than her."

"The doctor says I'll be fine. That it was a freak thing, brought on by stress."

"Is that true Doc?"

He hesitates, unsure of what he can tell you. "It's all right. She's family."

"If she stays calm, out of trouble, she should be fine. I'd make a point to watch her blood pressure in the future. But I see no reason for there to be a repeat of yesterday's swan dive. From what I understand all of your lives have been extraordinarily stressful of late. All of the tests indicate that once life resumes to a more normal place, Miss Cabot should be perfectly fine."

"Thank you." Your voice is so sincere, and the doctor, who can't be more than 25, blushes at your gratitude, and then hurries out to his next patient as you sit on the side of the bed, careful of the fluid IV they've put in my arm.

"How do you feel?"

"Silly. All this over a little faint?"

"It wasn't a little faint Lexi."

I ignore you, asking the question I'm most afraid of.

"What was the verdict?"