Chapter Forty: Out

Olivia

I wake up early Monday morning, calling in to tell Don I switched shifts with Fin so I can sleep late with you and then go to my meeting with Julie and her mom. I start the coffee maker and then crawl back under the covers that I have to steal away from you as usual. I snuggle up against your body, telling myself to enjoy this while it lasts. Last night was intoxicating, and even though I still worry about your health, it was such a delicious sensation making love to you. Sometimes, I swear you taste like strawberries. You know you're not my first, but I wonder if you know that no one else ever came near to what I feel about you, emotionally or physically.

The sight of you smiling in your sleep causes a grin to creep across my face, and I lean in to kiss the almost dimple on your cheek. I can smell the coffee now, and I know that any second you'll be waking up, drawn out of sleep by that scent. I think you'll probably kill me when you realize that it's decaf, but I'm not taking any chances. The doctor said yesterday that too much caffeine could have an affect on you as much as the stress and even if you pitch a royal fit I'm not buying any more regular coffee. I can't control what you drink when you go back to Oregon, but for now… I'm going to take care of you, just like I said.

Oregon. It's just so far away. The opposite side of the country. You've said you're coming back this time. Six months to a year. But I'm worried that you'll get settled there. That you'll get comfortable without me. A year is a long time. It's better than two years, or forever, but still. After all of this I wonder if I can let you go for that long. And what happens when you come home? You mentioned something yesterday about trying to find your own loft. I'd assumed you'd just move in with me, here. Where you belong.

I can see you stirring next to me, your nostrils flaring to the smell of fresh coffee. You turn towards me and blink sleepily at me, your smile growing wider at the sight of me. I can't help but think I could get used to this, that I want to get used to waking up beside you every day until I die.

As your eyes swim into focus, staring deep into mine, I lean comfortably on my pillow facing you.

"Good morning love."

Alex

I could get used to this. Waking up next to you again. We've done this before, true… but back then we were playing house, tiptoeing around all of our anger and arguments, trying to force something to work that wasn't. This time is different, natural.

"Good morning love."

"mmmmmm." I'm still too sleepy to speak, so I tilt my head up in invitation for a kiss. As you pull back from that kiss you tell me there's coffee and move away to get me a cup. I breathe in the delicious scent of fresh brewed coffee, loving the familiarity of this moment. You bring me my coffee carefully, taking special care not to spill on your still naked body. I'm not sure if it's the sight of you naked or my first taste of coffee that's more intoxicating.

I take a sip and screw up my face. "Decaf?"

You look vaguely nervous. "Doctor's orders."

"What doctor?"

"The ER doc."

"How do you know?

"I asked."

"Sneaky." I take another sip, getting used to the idea of coffee without help. I guess I could get used to it. I can always switch back to regular when I get back to Oregon.

"Thinking about Wednesday?" How the hell do you do that? It's creepy having a girlfriend who can read my mind.

I nod. "Trying not to."

"Well don't then. I had a proposition for you?"

"Ooooo an indecent one I hope."

"Actually no… Stop pouting Alex, we have plenty of time for the indecent variety"

"Well what then?"

"I'm meeting with Julie and her mother today for lunch, and then we're going over to Sophie's parents to talk to her mom. I was wondering if maybe you'd come along if you felt up to it."

"Do you think they'd want me there?"

"I want you there. Besides, I have the feeling that the more support Julie has the better. Sophie's parents weren't exactly… well informed. I'm a little afraid they're going to take it out on the girlfriend."

I know you're thinking of my own mother, taking out her anger on you. We both knew it was coming, although her timing could have been better. "Livvy if you want me there I will be. When do you have to be at work?"

"Told Don I'd be in at two. Fin came in on his day off to cover my morning. He could use the overtime and he gets a kick out of the idea of me being off of work to 'hang with my girl.'"

"Heh. Fin. So does everyone know now?"

"Mostly. When you passed out in the courtroom, Casey called Elliot, who told Don, who filled in Munch and Fin. I don't think the interns know, but pretty much everyone else does."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Well George…"

"C'mon Liv, seriously."

Olivia

Ugh. I don't want to talk about this right now.

"I don't know Alex. I've been afraid of this my whole life. Even when we were together I wasn't ready to admit that I'm gay. I was so jealous of you, I still am."

"Of me? What on earth for! Were you listening to my mother yesterday?"

"Yes but that's exactly it Alex. A month after we started really dating you'd told your mother, and we both knew that she wouldn't approve. You had the courage to tell her even when you knew it wouldn't end well. I was pretty sure Elliot would be ok with this and I didn't have the guts to tell him until you were coming back. And even then it was because I was desperate to share the burden of waiting.

"It's a strange feeling, not needing to hide this anymore. Being with you all these years, off and on and off and on again as it's been, you were the first person that really made me feel like… like there wasn't something wrong with me. I spent so many years trying to prove to everyone that I was something I'm not that it's going to take a little getting used to."

"But you're glad right? I mean… look at your friends, our friends. Not one of them seems even remotely uncomfortable, or upset by this."

"Well, Elliot didn't take to it right away, but I get the point."

"I really want you to be ok with this Livvy. It's important."

"I'm trying. Maybe this thing with Julie and her mom and Mrs. Patterson will help. Her mom was so amazing. You should have seen the way she talked about those girls." I can't help tearing up, and I wonder when my hormones will stop raging again so that I can stop crying at the drop of a hat.

"Livvy it's ok. My mom is… well she's a Cabot. I'd love to go with you today. And maybe together we can make this end better for them than it did for us."

Alex

I was surprised at first, when you asked me to come along. In the back of my mind I still can't get used to not working a case with you, and I'm a little nervous about this. I realize the case is over, but still. And talking to you about being out is a little… tense. It's not something you like to discuss. I had a feeling it might be your last holdout. I'm glad to see that despite your reservations you can still be open with me about it.

"Are you sure you want to leave?"

It takes me a minute to realize we've switched subjects.

"Liv."

"You can't tell me you don't like this." You gesture to the bed, to us… to my coffee.

"That's not the point Olivia. I need time to re-adjust."

"In Oregon?"

"In Oregon."

"But you're going to come back?"

"Yes."

"Within a year?"

"Yes."

"Promise?"

"Olivia I swear I'll be back. I'm not leaving you again. Not for good."

You hold my gaze for a few minutes, then nod, satisfied, and I can tell that you finally believe me.

"C'mon detective, we don't want to be late to lunch."