And I finally move on with this story. Thanks everyone for your reviews. I know that it might be frustrating to wait so long, but comedy is the hardest genre for me to write and it's rare that I write fan-fiction anymore in the first place.
On the glass eyes, this was written by Bowie himself in a chat transcript:
"I have several (glass eyes) actually… over the years, many fans have sent in their own glass eyes and asked me to sign them and send them back. Mischievously, I have always held on to them. I now have a full bag. And when she is old enough, we'll offer Alexandria a game of all or nothing marbles. Except I wouldn't know what to do with thirty dolls if I won!"
As for the disclaimer, you know the drill and who I want.
'GET YOUR HAND OFF MY…'
'It's not my hand, if you bother to look around you,' David snapped from where he lay strung across some sort of vertical tube.
Some days really weren't better than others. Our poor David was in a rather uncomfortable position, so uncomfortable that the author won't really describe it in any great detail, but he was gripped in all the wrong places by freaky hands that stuck out of the walls.
Jareth was in a rather difficult position right above him, and was fighting with a hand. 'What are you hands, perverts? I do not swing that way! Get your hand off that right NOW!'
'Okay.' David blinked as the hand spoke, then yelled as the hands holding Jareth promptly dropped him, sending Jareth crashing straight down on top of David.
David glared at him. 'You've really done it this time.'
'Me? Oh, no. No, you're the one who decided to open up this door and sending us falling down the hole! I tried to warn you!'
'You didn't do a very good job of it.'
'It's not my fault if one of your ears are deaf as well!'
'Excuse me, but may I remind you – '
'No you MAY NOT.'
' – that, like me, you are ALSO blind in one eye and if I'm deaf in one ear, so are you!'
'Look, are we going to keep you two hanging here all day or what?' Both, well, jumped as they heard the hand speak again. 'Which way do you want to go?'
Jareth and David looked at each other. 'What do you mean, which way?' Jareth snapped.
'Up or down?'
'Up!'
'Down!'
Jareth peered down at David. 'Why the hell would you want to go up for?'
David wondered if Jareth was being stupid for show. A look into his own eyes told him otherwise. 'Because if we go up then we simply go through the other door.'
'Where do we go if we go down?'
If David could move his hand, he would've slapped Jareth across his head. 'Apparently the bleach soaked into your brain. If you don't know what's down there, why are you choosing to go down?'
'To see what's there.'
David shut his eyes, and counted to ten. 'We don't have the time to explore. You can do that in your own time, after I get back to New York!' He glared at the hands. 'We're going – '
'DOWN!'
David nearly had the air pushed out of his body as the hands promptly dropped the pair, Jareth slamming into his body. They fell through a spider web trap door thing and crashed to the bottom of whatever they fell into. Glared is not a good enough word for the look the little boys shot each other.
Meanwhile:
The goblins, like in the identical circumstance of Sarah, weren't quite sure to laugh as they looked into the glass ball to see Jareth looking concerned and David looking, quite understandably, pissed off. They were pretty sure that the men wouldn't be able to hear them laughing but they weren't sure for certain, so they shut up.
Sarah did no such thing. Tears streamed down her face in laughter. 'They'll kill each other trying to get out!' She tapped on the glass. 'Hello down there! Having fun? I am! If you tap on the ground the psychotic psychopath will come out and free you from the hole!'
'No, Psychotic Psychopath is here with me and cannot free you right now.'
Sarah's eyes turned sharply on Jennifer. 'What did you call me?'
Jennifer stared into the ball, looking absent-minded. 'Nothing. Look, you really should get them out of there – '
'And you should really shut up!' Sarah snapped. Then tears began to fall again, now ones of sorrow and pain and all those sad emotions. 'Do you know what that bastard's like to me? He's so kind and gentle and nice…'
'Aren't those reasons to bring him back?'
'He wants sex too much.'
Jennifer shuddered and closed her eyes. The author didn't, especially mentally. 'I guess that's a reason.'
'He has some really strange fetishes.'
'That's nice.'
'Like me dressing up as a goblin and using glass balls instead of his fingers to – '
'THAT'S ENOUGH!' Silence fell over Sarah, for which Jennifer was grateful. Then she looked at the crystal ball and pushed it quickly away from her. 'Oh, ew!'
The ball fell to the floor and everyone ran away from it. The goblins suddenly understood why goblin prostitution was multi-million dollar business.
Back in the oubliette, Jareth and David still remained because they hadn't found a way out yet.
'I don't suppose that you know the way out of here?' David remarked, annoyed.
Jareth's eyes narrowed. 'How dare you assume something about me?'
'Well, do you?'
'Do I what?'
David exploded. He had been pretty near it most of the time. 'KNOW THE WAY OUT OF YOUR GODDAMNED LABYRINTH, LET ALONE THIS MISERABLE HOLE! I'VE HAD IT! YOU AND YOUR STUPID GAMES! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE! I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HERE! I WANT TO GO HOME!' David's eyes filled with tears and many girls rushed to give him hugs and cuddles to reassure him.
Jareth watched this affection in annoyance because he was left in the cold, with no goblins.
The girls disappeared suddenly and all that was left attached to David was a little girl, wrapped around his leg. 'Daddy.'
Despite the sticky situation, David smiled and picked up Alexandria. 'What are you doing down here?'
'Uncle Floyd made me come here.'
And so, apparently, one knew what Bones and Oogie on a silver screen could do – have little children get sucked into the Labyrinth. David looked at Jareth suspiciously… nah… no way. Jareth wasn't normal as it was, he couldn't be a puppet as well.
David looked at Jareth suspiciously more so. 'You can't have her.'
'Damn.'
The prostitute goblins cheered, the fear of another girl replacing one of them gone for another day.
Suddenly, a candle flashed in the distance. It wasn't very far, of course, being in the oubliette, but in the dark, lots of things are far away. 'I take it you need some help?'
Jareth, for once, looked pleased to see Hoggle. 'Hogwart!'
'Hoggle!' Alexandria exclaimed.
Hoggle, Jareth and David all looked at Alexandria in surprise. 'How do you know his name?' David asked, concerned.
Alexandria pointed to Hoggle's wrist. 'He's got pretty plastic.'
David slowly knelt down on the ground in front of Hoggle. His knees cracked. They were following his heart. 'Tell you what, Hoggle,' he looked up at Jareth, 'I'm not as bleached as you,' before continuing to Hoggle, 'You give my daughter that bracelet and you'll show us the way out of here.'
Hoggle looked unimpressed. 'That's got nothing to convince me.'
'Does the idea that 'us' doesn't include Jareth?'
'Who's us then?'
'My… daughter… and… myself.' David spoke very slowly. He was beginning to think that when it came to intelligence, Hoggle and Jareth were on the same sort of level. Like basement.
'What about me?' Jareth snapped suddenly. David decided to stand corrected on his thought.
'Oh, you've been pointless on this whole expedition. You stay here.'
'You can't leave me here! I'm important! I'm special! I'm wonderful! I'm – '
'- full of bullshit.'
Hoggle seemed to make up his mind, smiled and handed over the bracelet to Alexandria. 'You've got yourself a deal, Sir.'
David smiled at Jareth. 'Would you hear that? He called me 'Sir'. Not 'Fleabag', which is a good name for you.'
'Fleabag, we'd both be fleabags because we're alike.' Jareth was grumpy and furious, but no one could blame him. He was about to rot to death in the oubliette, after all. Surrounded by dirt and only having the groping hands to talk to and watching the purple lotus flowers that had, for some reason, spouted out of the wall.
'Daddy, I want pretty flowers.'
David poked the bracelet in Alexandria's hand. 'That's pretty enough.'
'Daddy's bracelet.' David watched in fear as Alexandria put the bracelet on him. It was all coming back to him. The demons. First it was the black glove. Now it was the bracelet. No. Plastic. NO! David tugged the bracelet off desperately with his teeth but it wasn't budging and… phew. 'No, you keep it,' he said quickly, giving it back to Alexandria. 'It's yours.'
Meanwhile, Hoggle had picked up the door from the floor and opened it. The Gemini spaceship came hurtling out, causing everyone to duck. Jareth didn't duck in time and nobody cared.
Sarah laughed at this, in the castle, through the shattered ball on the ground. No one wanted to repair it because repairing sex toys wasn't anyone's speciality.
Following the spaceship, the normal series of pots, pans and Magic Markers fell out of the closet. Jareth, to annoy everyone, got a Magic Marker and drew an evil frowning face on the bottom of the saucepan. 'This is you,' he told David.
'This is what I feel like,' David responded, whacking Jareth over the head with it as he walked by. Walking into the hallway beyond and closing the door, Hoggle, David and Alexandria left Jareth out cold on the floor. Realising that they could not offer sympathy, the purple lotus flowers encouraged the local society of laughing gnomes into the oubliette, who all could sing their national song till the sun came down.
TBC