A Complicated Song/Constipated
By Weird Al Yankovic
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or the song or the original song…
Summary: Harry Potter eats greasy pizza before he goes to bed on the couch. Will his crazy, chaotic dream, consisting of electric blue furniture and his red haired cousin, remind him that he shouldn't eat pizza before bed?
BB/N: If you want to sing along, sing it to Complicated, by Avril Lavigne.
Harry Potter angrily grabbed a pillow from his bed, and then made his way out of his bedroom and down the stairs, into the living room.
'I'll sleep on the couch for the rest of my life if I have too!' Harry thought bitterly. 'If Gin wants to argue about the sheets, then I'll just sleep on the couch. I'll never have to look at those damn sheets again!'
He threw the pillow onto the couch, and then he collapsed onto it. In order for his entire body to fit on the couch, he had to curl his legs, and get his neck at a fixed angle. 'I'm so going to be sore tomorrow.' Harry thought bitterly again.
Harry winced. 'Great! Heartburn from the greasy disgusting pizza I forced myself to eat. What else could go wrong?'
Harry lay on the couch, his mind floating around. Work was extremely hard that week, with hard mission after hard mission. He was surprised he, Ron, and Hermione had made it through the week alive. And then the mountains of parchment work that was sitting on his desk at that exact moment, plus the parchments that were sitting at his kitchen table. He didn't know if he was going to make it to work the next day.
And then he and Ginny had a row about the sheets on their bed.
Sheets!
Harry shook his head. 'It's the sheets fault.' He thought. 'I bet you if they were red sheets, she'd be fine. It wouldn't matter what they felt like.'
Uh huh ... extra cheese
Uh huh, uh huh ... save a piece for me
Harry fell asleep, thinking about the pizza he had for dinner.
-----
Harry was sitting in an electric blue armchair, in a small house on the outskirts of Bruxelles, Belgium. He lived alone, occasionally living with his girlfriend, which wasn't often.
The reason why he was still sitting in the electric blue armchair was because he was opening a letter from his best enemy, Draco Malfoy.
He opened the letter and read it.
Dear Best Enemy,
I am having a pizza party and I'm inviting all my best and worst enemies! Please come, because I ordered plenty of pizza.
Sincerely,
Draco Malfoy
Harry read the letter to make sure he had the right idea. 'I guess I could go to the pizza party.' He thought. 'I'd actually like to have some pizza now.'
He got out of his electric blue armchair, and walked into his bedroom. His bedroom was brown and magenta; they represented his least favorite colors. He always wanted to be reminded that he didn't like brown and magenta.
He walked to his wardrobe, which was electric blue, and opened it. He pulled out one of his fashionably fashionable black robes and a pair of fashionably fashionable trousers and a slightly less fashionable, yet still fashionably okay white collared shirt.
When Harry changed into his fashionably fashionable outfit, he attempted to brush his hair, but only made it look wilder, and yet…sexy. He smiled at his reflection in his electric blue outlined mirror, and left the bathroom, going into his kitchen.
He made sure his back door was locked, because that's the door no one ever used. He then went to the living room, and assumed the front door was locked, so he didn't bother to check to see if it was. He picked up his wand, and put it in his pocket.
With a once over of his dingy living room, and his favorite electric blue armchair, Harry apparated away, to Malfoy Manner, in Wales.
Pizza party at your house
I went just to check it out
Nineteen extra larges
What a shame
No one came
Harry walked through the Malfoy Manner door, and saw, to his utter dismay, and yet pleasure, Draco Malfoy was sitting on a stool in the Entrance Hall, weeping his eyes out.
Harry, being Draco's best enemy, didn't rush to his side to hug him. He slowly walked over to him, a smirk playing at his lips. He assumed, and was probably right, that no one came to Draco's for the party.
"Something wrong Malfoy?" Harry asked.
"No one came!" Malfoy said. He then stopped weeping, and began eating the pizza. "Want some?"
Just us eatin' all alone
You said, "Take the pizza home"
"No sense lettin' all this go to waste"
So then I faced
Harry took the pizza home.
Pizza all day
And every day
This cheese 'round the clock
Is gettin' me blocked
And I sure don't care
For irregularity
He ate the pizza everyday. That was like nineteen pizza boxes. Do you know how much pizza that is?
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated
In the bathroom ... I sit and I wait and I strain
And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain
Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?
No no no
Harry felt ill, and he wasn't happy. Why'd he have to get blocked with pizza then? And why did he never stock laxatives in his house?
Then Harry remembered why he never had those little things. He remembered the time Fred and George raided his medicine cupboard, and they thought the little pieces of chocolate laxatives were actually chocolate, which they weren't.
Harry at that point stopped buying them, leaving him in this predicament.
I was feelin' pretty down
'Till my girlfriend came around
We're just so alike in every way
I gotta say
Harry smiled as his girlfriend came in through his front door. He realized he assumed wrong, and that his front door was unlocked. Thank Merlin the only thing that was theft worthy was his electric blue armchair, his electric blue wardrobe, and his electric blue mirror, all of which were hard to get out the front door.
Ginny Weasley was the most beautiful girl Harry had met. She had cascading red hair that fell to her mid back. Her blue eyes sparkled with emotions constantly. He loved her dearly.
In fact, I just thought I might
Pop the question there that night
I was kissing her so tenderly
But woe is me
Harry led Ginny to his couch and kissed her.
Who would have guessed
Her family crest
I'd suddenly spy
Tattooed on her thigh
And son-of-a-gun
It's just like the one on me
Harry pulled away from Ginny, a horrendous thought occurring to him. "You have red hair like my mum!"
Tell me
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated
What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose
And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes
And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?
No no no no no no no
No no no no no no no
No no no no no
"Have you ever been to the states?" Harry asked. Ginny shook her head. That was when Harry realized that dating someone who was related to him was a bad idea. They soon broke up, and Harry was miserable.
Hours had passed since Harry's breakup with Ginny, and he decided to go do something.
I had so much on my mind
I thought maybe I'd unwind
Try out that new roller coaster ride
And the guide
Harry got to the amusement park, and stood in line. The guide, who was checking everyone's height, stopped Harry and squirted mustard on his shirt.
"What was the bloody hell was that for?" Harry asked, outraged.
Said not to stand
But that's a demand
That I couldn't meet
I got on my feet
And stood up instead
And knocked off my head, you see
"I told you not to stand!" The guide shouted.
Tell me
Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it
Such a drag, now ... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore
I can't belch or yodel anymore
Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated
Harry lay on the ground, a deep sadness filling him up. He couldn't read Sports Illustrated anymore. He couldn't even see his favorite color, which was electric blue, anymore! What was the world coming to?
Harry could feel his body being transported to St. Mungo's to under go some testing. How was he still alive?
Oh no
Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah, yeah)
I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated
What a bummer
Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeeze
But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now
Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated
No no no
Harry lay in a hospital bed. He wasn't allowed to get up, and to make sure he didn't, the Healers strapped him down to the bed with electrical wire they found outside the Hospital.
Ron and Hermione had visited him, but Harry didn't know. He didn't have a head…
-----
Harry woke up to Ginny shaking him. Shaking him roughly. He sat up, and fell off the couch, seeing as how he was on the edge. He was drenched in sweat, and he was breathing heavily.
"Harry are you okay?" Ginny asked. "I heard you screaming 'No!' all the way upstairs."
"I'm fine." Harry mumbled to Ginny's feet. He was still laying on the floor. Ginny helped him up, and then the both of them were sitting on the couch.
"You sure you're okay?" Ginny asked, cocking her head and looking at Harry.
"I'm fine." Harry said, running a hand through his hair. "And I'm sorry about the sheets thing." Harry added.
"I know you are." Ginny replied. She got off the couch and held out her hand to pull Harry up. "Come on. Let's go to bed."
Harry sighed, and grabbed Ginny's hand. The only thing he accomplished on the couch was getting a stiff neck.
Harry followed Ginny up the stairs and to their bedroom. "Ginny, remind me to never eat greasy pizza again." Ginny nodded her head. They were now in their bed. "And me and Malfoy aren't best enemies." He added.
"That's nice." Ginny said.
"And we're not related are we?" Harry asked.
Ginny looked at Harry, a bemused expression on her face. Before she could say anything, Harry said, "Never mind." And then he fell asleep.
Leaving Ginny alone to ponder what he just said.
The End
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BB/N: I thought of this idea months ago, and I'm just now finishing it.
Random isn't it?