The Life Without Him

Tony was been being in prison for 3 months by now.
Michelle was living alone in their house since then. It was kind of weird for her to live there alone. Not just because it was far too big for one person alone, but there were still all of his things:

His clothes, his personal stuff, things he had bought, presents, pictures.
And she had changed nothing.

Everything was like she just expected him to come home again or even as if he had never been away.
But the truth was that she was too weak to put that stuff away.
She clung herself onto those memories although she knew that it was completely foolish.
Once she had tried to put those things into boxes and bring them into the cellar. Throwing them away hat never been an opportunity for her. The result had been that she had started to cry badly and she had spent hours to put the things onto their proper places again.

But she couldn't also deny that her life went on now.
Of course she thought of him every day and she still missed him so badly but what had been left to do for her instead of going on.
She went to work everyday. Did a lot of extra work to avoid spending much time at home alone. She did a lot of sports, read many books, just to not having to think about him.
When there was nothing left to do anymore she even started to clean the entire house to notice afterwards that it hadn't been necessary at all.

In fact the house was so clean you could've been eating your dinner from the floor and it was also inviting for company but Michelle let almost nobody in.
Of course a lot of people had offered her help after Tony had been sent to prison but in front of other people she still kept on pretending to be strong.
The only one who knew at least a bit how Michelle felt was Jack.

He was the only one she had talked to about Tony and how she was really doing, behind the woman everybody else knew.
In the beginning, when it had been worse than now Jack had spend some days and nights with her.
Sometimes they had talked and sometimes they had just sat next to each other in silence. And sometimes Michelle had been lying in his arms crying and he had just tried to calm her down.

Jack had tried to get in touch with Tony, to talk to him about how Michelle was doing and about he felt about it. But Tony had told Jack only the same things that he had told Michelle.

One day Michelle just decided to stop asking herself why he was so cruel to her.

She had thought about it for too long. It seemed as if Tony was just sure that his plan was the only one that worked. But when he really believed that he was just such a fool.

Michelle was just a piece of what she had used to be, she just didn't show it in public.

Inside of her it just felt empty. But after days and weeks of crying she had decided to move on somehow.
That was when she started to go to work again.
From this day on she just tried to occupy herself the whole day. And even through the night if it was impossible for her to sleep.
She had also stopped to try to get in contact with Tony.
In the beginning she had sent him many letters. Sometimes even one letter a day. Then she had started to try and visit him. But he had always blocked her and then the point came when she realized she was too disappointed and desperate to keep on trying.

The worst time of the day was still the night. When she was lying in their bed trying to sleep.
Often she lay awake almost the whole night. She could tell that by now she was nearly used to this.
But she didn't bother or even complain.
She had stopped doing this because it didn't make a difference at all. And if it did, only in the negative kind of way.

What was it good for when she kept always on asking herself the same question: Why? Why? Why?
It was good for nothing, a discovery she had made during this hard time.

Also she had stopped to ask herself why Tony had done this.
Why was he still avoiding her? If he still loved her?

She had realized that she would probably never find answers to these questions so why keep on asking them.

It was easier not to do.

And that's what she did now. She tried to make everything as easy as possible.
That was why she spoke about the whole Tony-thing with almost no one. She made clear to everyone – at work, with her parents – that she didn't want to talk about it.

She didn't meet friends she and Tony had had together.

Her everyday life just consisted of going to work, work late, eating, doing the shopping, just distracting herself from thinking and at last sleeping a bit.

It was not, however, a deep sleep she had. Most of all nights, she dreamt bad and didn't really have something that could be called sleep.
She couldn't change it.
Maybe it was even more than she could expect.

In fact it was easier by now to deal with the fact that she had to live without Tony and also with his ignorance which was even worse than the fact that he was in prison. But sometimes, in sentimental moments, she called Jack who was there for her while she was crying herself to sleep.

And that alone showed just how Tony's great "plan" had failed.
She lived something nobody else on earth would call a life. Her heart was broken and no one seemed to be able to fix it again. There was only one person on earth she loved and she couldn't let go of him.
Tony wanted her to start a new life with another man. But she knew so well that there could never be another man. That she could never stop loving Tony at least a little.

by HelloKitty
Beta-Read: JimKeller24