M: 'Last Resort' belongs to Papa Roach

Chapter Nineteen

Several days had passed. Nathyrra had not been summoned for any particular missions, so she assumed that she had some time off. The wounds Ilivarra had inflicted had left scars, and Nathyrra had decided to see a healer about them.

The healer whistled as she looked at the scars Nathyrra showed her. "Multiple scratches on your arms, one from your eyebrows to the corner of your mouth, one in-between your breasts stretching from navel to neck, and so many more. That must have been some weapon. Drow skin doesn't usually scar…"

"Can you get rid of them?" Nathyrra asked.

"Are you sure you want to get rid of them? Most warriors take pride in their scars. They consider them a mark of honor in battle."

"I'm not one of those warriors. I have no wish to remember this battle." Nathyrra said flatly.

The healer shrugged. "Suit yourself." She whispered a spell, instantly curing the scars.

XXXXX

A week later, Nathyrra stood in a room. In front of her, was the Valsharess sitting on a large throne. It was encrusted with jewels and decorated with spider symbols. The object was bound to strike awe in all that saw it. Nathyrra was not particularly impressed. It seems the whole power trip of conquering the world has gone to her head.

"Nathyrra." The Valsharess greeted.

"Sinvyl." Nathyrra replied. If you're to use my first name, I will use yours. Not a chance in the hells that I'm going to address her as 'Valsharess'.

The Valsharess bit back an angry retort. She reminded herself that Nathyrra was an important and powerful ally and that she must be tolerant of the assassin's sarcastic impudence.

"I have mission of utmost importance for you to complete."

"What a surprise."

The Valsharess scowled. "As you may already know, we have had some trouble with the followers of Eilistraee. One of their leaders has turned some of my most powerful agents to their side. She is known simply as 'The Seer'."

"I suppose you want me to dispose of her."

"Yes. You are one of my most capable assassins. Cunning, iron-willed, and a heart made of pure ice-"

Nathyrra successfully stopped from flinching at that.

"-Should you bring back the Seer's head, I shall give you position of trainer with the red sisters. A position has opened recently, if I recall correctly."

Nathyrra nodded emotionlessly. "I will start preparing immediately. I ask that you grant me two weeks to learn of my enemy before I strike."

"Granted."

The Valsharess watched as Nathyrra left. I have seen the strength of her will. Nathyrra Kant'tar is powerful. She will not be converted.

XXXXX

Nathyrra sat in her apartment, reading through a book on Eilistraee's teachings. The lessons they taught were strange to her. "If an enemy surrenders and genuinely regrets her or his actions, they should be spared and accepted. Eilistraee forgives them, as should we. Mercy, compassion, redemption, and forgiveness are four of the most important principles to our religion." Mercy? Compassion? Such odd concepts. Why would a drow deity preach such ideals? They only lead to weakness…or do they? Nathyrra mentally shook her head. Of course they do. Those ideals are for dead fools.

XXXXX

Nathyrra walked through the camp. The matter of posing as a would-be convert and arranging a meeting with the Seer was rather simple. To her surprise, she had even been allowed to meet with the Seer alone.

The seer sat in a throne. Unlike the Valsharess's throne, this one seemed to radiate hope and light, instead of despair and darkness. Her eyes were closed as though she were sleeping or in a deep trance.

Nathyrra unsheathed her blade and approached the seer. She started to raise her blade, but found that she could not strike. A strange paralysis gripped her hand, preventing her from carrying out her mission.

The Seer opened her eyes, revealing a light lavender gaze that held wisdom and compassion far beyond her age. Nathyrra was shocked to see that she was not afraid. All of her other victim's eyes held fear of dying. Even Ilivarra's orbs had shone the slightest glimpse of fear.

The seer started to speak, "You must choose, Nathyrra. Strike me down, and the Valsharess will shower you with riches. Or let me live, and be redeemed at the feet of the Lady Eilistraee."

The paralysis was broken and Nathyrra could move once more. An inner conflict waged in her mind.

I must kill her.

Is this what you wish to be? Another voice argued. This particular voice had started to speak sometime after the death of Tialla and Seelomar, growing louder and louder until it could be silenced no longer. A ruthless killing machine? Destroying all that stands in her way? Your need for vengeance is gone. Now you only seek power.

Why shouldn't I kill her? I've never let anyone cross my path!

Her death will not end your lack of peace. Ilivarra was right. Peace does not come with vengeance. If you let her live, a different choice will be open to you. One filled with the happiness that you could have found through compassion and mercy. Death will never satisfy you.

How do I know that the path she offers will satisfy me?

You know it will in what remains in your heart. You and Seelamin planned to find a new life on the surface. A life with love and bliss. You can still complete that dream!

Seelamin is dead. Why would I want to finish that?

Seelamin never would have wanted you to become an assassin. He would have viewed it as dishonorable and petty. He would be disgusted that you would disgrace his memory with revenge, especially when he was trying so hard to regain the honor he had lost from revenge in his lifetime. Why do you think you've been having such nightmares?

A realization flashed through Nathyrra's mind. "Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward. Whoever cannot live without that law is both. For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, 'If I live I will kill you. If I die, you are forgiven.' Such is the rule of honor." Seelamin died. Nackor was forgiven. In killing the dwarf, I merely dishonored myself and my beloved. My heart became encased with ice upon his death. I soon replaced my blood with poison, the very poison that killed him. I have become the hateful poison that killed Seelamin. He would have wanted me to pursue happiness, not venomous revenge. That is the meaning of the dreams that have haunted me for so long…

Nathyrra continued to think. I have seen the things that the Seer offers and preaches. I have seen them through the Silvapanthorons, the three svirfs who healed me after my fight with Faeryl, and through Ilivarra's stern maternal care of me. I felt happiness. And it wasn't malicious or sadistic, it was from warmth and kindness. Seelamin fell in love with me for who I was, not who I have become. I want to return the person I was when I fell in love with Seelamin. The peace I felt when I was with him. That is what I truly want.

Nathyrra looked at the Seer. The path of hate has given me nothing. I chose redemption. With that last thought, Nathyrra placed her dagger at the feet of the Seer and knelt before her.

The Seer smiled. "I welcome you to our way of life, Nathyrra Kant'tar."

Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight, chance are that I might
Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide
Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late and I was empty within
Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself and no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I can't go on living this way