Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Warning: This fic contains slash. That is male/male pairing. If you are uncomfortable with this then that is your problem, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Changes
Sirius bounded down the stairs from the dormitories and ran across the common room to where his fellow marauders were sitting. It was a Hogsmede weekend, and he was keen to escape the confines of the school.
"Well Prongs," he demanded excitedly "Are you coming to Hogsmede?"
"I can't Padfoot." He replied "It's the Quidditch final next week and I want to get in as much practice as possible." Sirius rolled his eyes exasperatedly. There was no point even trying to get James to change his mind when he had decided on Quidditch. He was completely obsessed. Sirius thought it was unhealthy. He turned to Remus.
"What about you Moony? Are you going to come?" Remus looked up from his books for long enough to raise one eyebrow sarcastically, and then returned to his studies. Sirius groaned internally. He felt he was the only true prankster of his friends. The others allowed themselves to be distracted to the point of obsession with such trivial things as Quidditch and schoolwork. The Quidditch he could almost understand. It was so exciting and there was always the chance that one of the players (or perhaps even a spectator) would take a nasty hit from a bludger. As for the schoolwork, however, that he would never understand. It was always so boring and tedious. If given the choice between a midnight stroll through the castle and an essay, he would take the troublesome choice any day. You never knew what could happen to you if you spent too much time studying. You might even end up a responsible adult. Sirius shuddered at that thought, and quenched it unmercifully.
"If you know what's good for you, you will stay here and work on that potions assignment. The way you have been going so far this year you will be lucky of you pass." Remus glanced meaningfully at his friend. Sirius sighed and resigned himself to his fate.
Sirius opened his books and glared resentfully at his friends. Sometimes he felt as though they were intentionally trying to ruin his fun. He just wanted to get away from the stress of school and exams for awhile and forget that all of that existed, but his friends just weren't prepared to help. It was hard for him. Not only did he have to deal with all that stress, but he also had to find a way to cope with his family. They had been incredibly disappointed with him ever since he arrived at Hogwarts and were shocked when he was sorted into his house. The rest of his family had been in Slytherin for countless generations. When he had been put into Gryffindor his family tried to treat him as though it was a deep dark secret. Whenever he displayed what they termed typically Gryffindor behaviours (which usually meant acting like a civilised person) they would treat him with complete disgust.
Sirius looked across the desk at his friend and was overwhelmed with guilt. If he thought he had problems, they were nothing compared to what Remus had to deal with. It couldn't be easy for the other boy. Being a werewolf was something that could not be understood by anyone who had not been forced to endure it. At least for Sirius, he knew that there would always be people who would appreciate his Gryffindor traits. Being a werewolf was completely different. It was a 'character flaw' that no one would approve of. The most Remus could ever hope for was that he would find friends who could love him for who he was, and forget about the 'monster' inside.
Sirius admired Remus. Even with everything the other boy had to deal with, he still managed to balance his problems with his schoolwork and a healthy appetite for mischief. Sirius' relationship with Remus was different to that with James. With James he was always trying to cause as much trouble as possible, and James reciprocated. Remus had always been the voice of reason. That wasn't so say that Remus was a killjoy. No, Remus could reek havoc with the best of them. It was just that Remus always seemed to be the one responsible for making sure they didn't do anything TOO stupid. The marauders never intended anyone to be hurt by their pranks, and Remus seemed to have a well-honed instinct for when things were likely to go haywire. Remus was special. He was not like anyone else Sirius had ever met, and he didn't feel the same way about Remus as he felt about other people. He cared deeply for the other boy, and if he could spare his friend the pain he endured with each full moon, he would. Sirius hurt to know that someone who meant so much to him could be facing so much torment, and he was powerless to help. Aware that he was being watched, Remus looked up. The two boys sat staring at each other for a while.
"Do you know what time of the month it is?" Remus was the first to break the silence. Sirius nodded and cursed internally. He hated to think about what his friend had to endure with every full moon. It was not only the physically pain, but also the emotionally anguish. Remus was fully aware of what he was capable of, and he hated himself for it.
"James and Peter have managed to get themselves detention, so they won't be able to slip out of the school."
Sirius smiled. "Well it looks like it's just going to be you and me tonight Moony."
"Are you sure? I'll understand if you don't want to come." Remus knew exactly what he was capable of and it scared him. He was always afraid that one day he would attack one of his friends. He knew that his friends were safe as long as they were in their Animagus form, but Remus feared that one-day he would transform before they were ready, and he would not be able to stop himself from attacking them. If that happened, the lives of the people who meant the most to him would be changed forever. He would never forgive himself. Remus was brought out of his reprieve by the sound of Sirius' voice.
"Don't be ridiculous Remus. After everything we've done together and after all these years I am hardly going to leave you now." Sirius stared into his friend's eyes "I am not afraid of you Remus. I know you would never hurt me."
Remus looked away. Sirius trusted him so much. All of them did really, but somehow it just seemed different with Sirius. Sometimes Remus felt unworthy. He couldn't understand how he had earned this loyalty, and he felt he didn't deserve it. The boys' blind faith in him made Remus feel that he owed them a lot. The two boys returned to their study.
A few hours later they both looked up to see people returning to the common room from a day out in Hogsmede. Remus looked out the window and saw that the sky had began to darken. Remus began to pack away his belongings and Sirius followed his lead. The two boys packed away their things and left the common room for the Whomping Willow.
After making sure no one was watching, Sirius sprinted towards the trunk, careful to avoid the tree's branches. Usually Peter would do this because his Animagus was so small, the tree found it hard to get close to him. But Peter was in detention, and Sirius was the greater athlete, so he took responsibility for making the passage safe for his friend. As he stood by and watched, Remus suddenly realised just how much danger his friends put themselves through to be there for him. They did all this and asked for nothing in return. Suddenly Remus realised the tree had stopped trying to decapitate him, and Sirius was waiting at the trunk for him.
Remus walked over to his friend, and the two of them entered the secret passageway. Sirius wondered if anyone at the school knew about it. He was doubtful, considering the danger involved on getting there. If the marauders had not been able to transform into animals, then they would never have found the tunnel in the first place. As they walked, Remus broke the silence.
"We have to hurry. The moon will be rising soon." Even though they could not see the sky, Remus knew this intrinsically. He always knew. He could feel it in his bones. It was as though his body was preparing for the changes it was about to undergo. Sirius nodded and quickened his pace.
The boys entered the shrieking shack, and Sirius locked all exited from the room they were in. Contrary to the external of the building, the windowless room they used form these nights was sturdy, and impossible to break out of. In his werewolf form, Remus was incapable of operating the locks on the doors. This meant that theoretically Remus could come here and do this on his own, but his friends would not allow it. Sirius knew Remus would spare his friends this pain if he could, but he would not allow it. Sirius would rather be there watching his friend's horrendous experience than be safe in his own bed knowing that Remus would be enduring that alone. Remus rubbed his forehead as if trying to reduce the pain from a headache.
"It's starting isn't it?" Sirius asked. Remus only nodded. Sirius took a step towards his friend intending to comfort him but Remus moved away.
"No, don't. It's too dangerous. Please, just…" Remus looked beseechingly at his friend. Sirius nodded. He knew what his friend wanted.
Remus watched as Sirius closed his eyes preparing for his transformation. As Remus watched, Sirius disappeared, and it was as if his clothes melted towards the floor. The rather oversized lump of clothes on the floor began wriggling, and Remus knelt on the floor to untangle a large black shaggy dog.
The dog sat staring at Remus, its head tilted to one side, tongue lolling out panting. The sight made Remus laugh, and he threw his arms around the dog's hairy black neck.
"Well Padfoot, your charisma seems to shine through, even in your animal form. You have this great inescapable personality which seems inseparable from your soul." Remus jerked away in shock. He had no idea where that statement had come from, and it had emerged in a way far more personal then Remus had intended. The black dog barked in approval. Remus relaxed a little. Maybe Sirius didn't understand things in quite the same way while in his dog form. He felt differently about Sirius than he did about the others. There was something special about him. At first Remus had told himself it was just because they had a very strong friendship. But as time passed and his feelings intensified, Remus stopped lying to himself. He was falling for Sirius, but he could not bring himself to tell the other boy. He was already clearly different to the others. Remus could not risk letting the others know he had other traits that made him strange. It could not possibly be easy for them to cope with know they shared a dorm with a werewolf. He was not sure they could accept sharing a dorm with someone who was gay.
A shuddered ran through Remus' body, and he knew he had to prepare for the trial about to come. As he removed his robes his hands shook. It was starting. As he folding his clothes and placed them beside Sirius', he could feel hairs prickling beneath his skin. Soon they would push their way through, and he would be on his way to becoming a beast. His body started to groan in protest as it tried to change into a different shape.
Sirius sat and watched. He could see the fear in his friend's eyes, and he could sense his pain. Sirius padded over to Remus and licked the back of his hand. It was all the comfort he could offer in this body, but as Remus looked down at him, he knew even that small gesture helped.
Remus' body convulsed, and he fell to the ground in pain. He had been undergoing this change for years, but no matter how often it happened, he could never get used to the pain. As the hair started to emerge his limbs began morphing. It felt as though he had been attached to a medieval rack, and his limbs were being stretched. The pain became unbearable and he started screaming. It was a high pitched, loud, unnatural scream that seemed to vibrate the very walls. His body shuddered and convulsed as though he was being electrocuted.
Sirius was so glad that he was in the body of a dog. If had to watch Remus endure this while he was human, he would not be able to stop himself from crying. For Sirius, it was as if every time he saw this transformation, it was like watching Remus die, and another hideous creature took his place. He had never been able to explain to Remus how he felt, because he knew if he did, the other boy would only blame himself. Remus knew that he was different, and he seemed to isolate himself because of it. Sirius refused to say anything to the boy that could cause him to isolate himself further.
The transformation completed and an eerie silence fell. The werewolf stood and surveyed the room. As its gaze passed over Sirius, he backed underneath a table. It usually took a while for Sirius to become comfortable with the werewolf's presence. Sirius trusted Remus unquestionably, but this was not Remus. Every month when the full moon appeared, it was as though Remus ceased to exist. Remus had told him that even as a dog, aspects of Sirius' personality were still evident. Sirius had noticed this with the others. Their personalities shone through, especially in the eyes. This could not be said about Remus' werewolf form. This creature was the complete opposite to Remus in every way imaginable. Where Remus was compassionate and thoughtful, this creature was hateful and destructive. Countless times Sirius had looked into its eyes and was relieved to be unable to detect a trace of Remus. This creature's eyes were cold and dead. It was as though there was not even a trace of Remus remaining. All these differences forced Sirius to refuse to acknowledge that this creature and Remus were the same. In Sirius' mind, they were, and would always be, two separate entities.
As Sirius watched from underneath a table, the creature snarled and tried to force open the door. It would not budge, even under the werewolf's incredible strength. The marauders had spent a long time strengthening the walls and blocking off the door to the room to ensure that on occasions like this there would be no risk of the werewolf attacking anyone.
After an hour, the creature gave up its attempt at breaking its way out, and took to pacing the room, occasionally throwing itself at a wall in frustration. Sirius had learnt through bitter experience not to go near the creature. This thing was not Remus, and approaching it was not like approaching Remus. It was dangerous. Sirius remained sitting under the table patiently as hours passed and the night wore away.
As the moon set the creatures strength diminished and it fell to the floor. Still snarling, the creature's voice started to change. The deep-throated snarl raised in pitch. The hairs on the creatures body because shorter and fewer. The limbs shortened and the wide torso narrowed. It stared straight at Sirius. As he watched, something about its eyes changed. The colour and shape remained the same, but they appeared less hostile; more human. Sirius knew this was the sign that Remus was returning and he padded over to his friend. Remus' body shuddered as it returned to its normal form. Slowly all trace of the werewolf disappeared, and all that remained was the shivering, naked form of Remus.
Remus reached out and buried a hand in the reassuring warmth of Sirius' fur. Having Sirius there meant so much to him. Before he had come to Hogwarts he had to endure this torment alone. His own family was too terrified to stay with him when this happened. He didn't blame them. As a werewolf he was capable of doing things he would not even imagine in his wildest dreams. But here he was with Sirius. Sirius cared for him, and would not allow him to endure the torment alone. Even though tonight it had meant Sirius had been left alone with a werewolf because of Peter and James' absence, Sirius still cared enough to remain by his side. Even though the black family resented that Sirius displayed true Gryffindor loyalty, Remus appreciated it far more than he felt he could ever possibly explain.
Remus collapsed on the floor in an exhausted heap, and Sirius lay alongside him, hoping to share his warmth with his friend. These transformations always left Remus completely exhausted. As they lay curled together on the floor, Remus looked into his friend's eyes.
"How much of what I say do you understand in that form? I know when I transform, I can see and hear everything, but it's as though I am watching from within my own body." Sensing that Remus felt more comfortable talking to a dog than a person, Sirius resisted the urge to return to his natural form "I know what I am doing, and sometimes it horrifies me, but I am powerless to stop it."
Remus shivered and Sirius padded over to the corner and fetched a blanket they kept there for just these occasions. He lay down beside Remus who, yawning, spread the blanket over his own naked form and the shaggy black form of Sirius. Remus moved closer to Sirius and buried his fingers in Sirius' warm black fur. Sirius was aware that the other boy found this comforting, and he usually avoided returning to his human shape for as long as possible. The marauders had been helping Remus deal with this for years now, and nearly always it would end the same way. Remus would collapse in an exhausted heap and Sirius, in his canine form, would curl up beside him. He would then wait until Remus had fallen asleep to return to human.
"I hate what happens to me." Remus continued his sleepy monologue "I hate to think there is a part of me that is so intrinsically evil. If I could change I would. I find myself… well, horrendous, and until I came to Hogwarts and met you and the marauders I didn't think I would ever be able to find anyone who could accept he for who I am." Sirius licked the other boy's face reassuringly. Remus laughed, his eyes closing with fatigue "I don't know if you would be so caring if you knew the truth. I really care about you. I always have. And I don't mean just as a friend." He yawned "If when I wake up you are not here and you want to act as though this had never happened I will understand. I just could not pretend anymore. I had to tell you the truth. I love you, Sirius."
Remus' voice trailed off and Sirius was careful not to move a muscle. He didn't want Remus jumping to conclusions about how Sirius felt until he knew for himself. If you had asked Sirius how he would have felt about having a boy declare his love for him the day before he would have told you he would have felt uncomfortable, possibly even disgusted. But now that it had happened he didn't feel like that at all. He had always cared deeply about Remus, even if he had never thought of it as love. Now that Remus had declared his love for him, something about it seemed right. It felt natural. Something inside Sirius, a large something was very pleased with this, and even his dog self seemed to be smiling at the thought. Part of his started to think that maybe he felt the same way about the other boy.
As Sirius lay thinking, he could hear Remus' soft snores. Convinced that the boy was asleep, Sirius returned his normal form. As he lay there, his own naked body entwined in Remus equally naked body; Sirius did feel even the slightest twinge of discomfort. He was surprised by how natural he felt. As he lay there he stroked the other boy's hair. Yes, he was certain now. He did love Remus. It had just taken a little push for him to realise it. Lying next the Remus he was filled with a feeling of completeness. He knew it now. He loved Remus, and he always had. Sirius lay curled up against the other boy's body, and he allowed Remus' breathing to lull him to sleep.
A few hours later Remus was the first to wake. As he returned to the conscious world he remembered what he had said to Sirius, and cursed himself for being a fool. As he gained full consciousness he registered an unfamiliar weight pressed against his body. He opened his eyes to see Sirius' naked for pressed against his own. So Sirius hadn't left. Remus didn't dare to hope this was good news. Maybe Sirius had only stayed because he felt sorry for the other boy. Maybe as a dog he didn't understand what was being said.
Very carefully he woke the boy sleeping next to him. As the two boys dressed neither was entirely sure what to say or how to behave. Instead they both opted for silence and chose to avoid any physical contact.
They returned to the school and as they entered their dorm James and peter rushed over to greet them. They regretted that they could not be there for their friend, but upon learning that everything was fine, they relaxed a little. They left for their classes. Sirius and Remus both had the first class free, and this left Remus feeling a little uneasy.
Remus collected a jar of salve from his trunk and undressed. He had wounds all over his body from where the werewolf had slammed it against the walls. He sat on the edge of his bed, and as he started to apply the salve to his wounds Sirius walked over.
"Here, let me do that for you." Remus froze. Obviously Sirius had not understood what had happened last night. If he had he would have been avoiding Remus this morning.
"It's alright. I will manage." he replied nervously as Sirius removed the jar from his hands.
"Don't be silly. You can't possibly reach all those cuts. And besides, it's not like I haven't done this before." The moment Sirius placed one ointment coated finger on his back, Remus turned around and grabbed hold of the other boy's hands.
"Sirius wait. About last night. Did you hear what I said?" Remus didn't dare to hope. Sirius nodded. "And?" Remus hated the tension. He bowed his head because he could not maintain eye contact. Not now that he knew the other boy understood how he felt. "I told you that I love you."
Sirius placed one hand under the other boy's chin and leaned close. It felt as though they were a hairsbreadth away.
"And I love you too." Sirius replied and he placed a soft, tentative kiss on the other boy's lips. Remus looked up into the other boy's eyes. He couldn't believe it. "I love you, Remus Lupin, and I am a fool for not having realised this a long time ago."
Remus lay back on his bed and allowed himself to consumed by the feeling of completeness he felt as the other boy kissed him. The moment their lips met the two boys knew they were meant for each other. They realised that they loved each other completely, for who they were.