Chapter 4: Yoshimitsu
A/N: I kept my promise this time! I usually don't. So, here's Yoshimitsu.
Yoshimitsu woke up in a hut in the middle of the mountains in the middle of nowhere. He sat up, yawned and stretched, then made his way to the breakfast table.
Why is he in the mountains instead of that other house by Law? Well, it blew up dummy. I'm being consistent this time.
Unfortunately (for him), when his house blew up, all his Manji party members died. Since Bryan pretty much killed the rest of them, Yoshimitsu is the only Manji guy left. Sucks to be him.
After eating a fine breakfast of wood and wheat stalks, Yoshimitsu walked outside to get the paper. To his dismay, he discovered he hadn't changed out of his night clothes, and was in his T5 blue maniac extra costume.
The paper boy stared at him as he rode his bike. Not taking his eyes off the blue Yoshimitsu, the poor kid rode off a cliff. Even more to his misfortune, he fell into a pile of Jacks.
Since the Jacks are incredibly stupid and all they know how to do is fight, they promptly beat the shit out of the kid and then blew themselves up.
Back on the cliff, Yoshimitsu stared at the spot where the kid fell. "I bet he's dead, too! Selfish young one! Won't even drop off the paper!" And that's when the explosion hit. Several trees, Jack limbs, and piles of other random debris flew past him. As Yoshimitsu stared, wide-eyed, a fully intact newspaper fell in front of him. "This must be my lucky day!" Yoshimitsu said, tucking the paper under his arm and walking inside.
After a few hours of reading the paper, staring at a wall, and wishing his friends hadn't died, Yoshimitsu decided to hop intosome clothesand go to a moving picture.
Yoshimitsu decided his samurai outfit wasn't the best, and walked to his closet to see if there was a better one. Eventually, he decided all the other ones just looked even more freaky than thesamuraiget up, so he chose that one and made hisway to town.
In town, he was walking down the street, finding it deserted. And the poor sap wonders why.
"Everyone? Hallo? Where art thou?" He asked, trying again to copy Robin Hood. After receiving no response, an idea lightbulb flashed above his head. "Alas! A terrible monster must be afoot! TO BATTLE!" He yelled, brandishing his sword and screaming like a maniac, then running off to find a monster.
Almost immediately after he disappeared, everyone went back to their normal daily routine.
At about two in the afternoon, Yoshimitsu decided that running around with a sword and screaming at the top of his lungs wasn't the way to find a monster. "I must set a trap!" He yelled, running off and doing exactly what he just decided he shouldn't do.
Half an hour later, a thing happened. That this was the killing of 50 jillion people, but that isn't what we were aiming for. In fact, we were aiming for something much less than that.
"Curses! The monster has not showed his ugly face!" Yoshimitsu said. "I must set a better trap!" And like a cartoon, the scene went black.
Cut to a box held up at a 75 degree angle by a stick. Under the box was a huge wedge of cheese.
"Ah, yes...monsters love cheese..." Yoshimitsu said from behind a rock. Just then, Jinpachi, in all his crazy-monster-with-a-mouth-on-his-stomach glory walked up.
"Cheese! I love cheese!" Jinpachi said, scooping up the cheese. As he did this, he accidentally kicked out the stick with his foot, and the box fell on his foot. However, he didn't care. He just walked off, eating his cheese.
"...Curses." Yoshimitsu said. "Alright, new plan."
Cut to a noose, lying on the ground with a wedge of cheese in the middle. If the rope was pulled at the right time, the one who set foot in the noose would be hung upside down. Again, Jinpachi was lured to the site by the smell of cheese.
"I still love cheese!" He exclaimed, bending over and picking up the cheese. Happily stuffing the wedge in his mouth, Jinpachi walked off, chewing and swallowing.
"Goddammit!" Yoshimitsu yelled, running out. "He didn't put his foot in!" However, Yoshimitsu didn't realize that his left foot was now in the noose. And as I'm sure you've already guessed, he was swept off his feet and hung upside down for a total of three days.
Not surprisingly, it took him that long to realize that he had a sword glued to his left hand and could easily have cut the rope. Now that it's been three days, he's had time to figure that out. So, he cut the rope and fell on his head, knocking himself out for three days.
When he woke up, he had another idea. "EUREKA!" He yelled. "I have a good plan!"
Cut to a wedge of cheese lying on the ground. Nothing attached. Jinpachi was again lured to the site by the smell of the cheese. "Boy, another cheese wedge! This must be mah lucky day!" He said, happily picking up the cheese. However, a bowling ball then fell on his head. Somehow, this didn't effect him, so he just stuffed the wedge in his mouth.
But Yoshimitsu had planned for this. Much to Jinpachi's confusion, a gatlin gun slowly rose from the ground. "...What the..." Was all he managed to get out before several hundred bullets went through him at high rates of speed.
"Aha!" Yoshimitsu yelled, leaping out from behind a rock, the Gatlin Gun ceasing fire. "The city is saved!"
However, no it was not. Yoshimitsu had killed most of the population with his earlier traps, and besides, the city was burning down.
During this whole ordeal, Raven had been perched on a cliff, watching Yoshimitsu's attempts to kill Jinpachi. He touched his head set to find his command...whoever the hell they are.
"...Sir...a man–err...something...seems to have eliminated Jinpachi." He said, not taking his eyes off Yoshimitsu, who was currently doing a victory dance.
"Well? Who is he?" The command dude replied.
"I don't know...oh, wait. It's Yoshimitsu. That guy from the tournament with the sword glued to his hand."
"...That guy? He killed Jinpachi?"
"Apparently so."
"...Well...eliminate him."
"...Why?"
"'Cause I said! Now do it!"
"Fine, fine! Geez..." Raven said. At that moment, the command dude hung up, and Raven was left to deal with Yoshimitsu, who was still deep into his victory dance.
"Ooh yeah! Beat your stupid monster ass!" Yoshimitsu said, kicking the dead Jinpachi. After that, Jinpachi disintegrated into sand. "...Um...oops."
"Weird guy with the sword!" Raven yelled, leaping out of nowhere and landing in front of Yoshimitsu.
"...Hi?" Yoshimitsu said.
"I have come to kill you."
"...Why?"
"I don't know, the command guy says."
"That's stupid. You're stupid."
"...Not as stupid as you."
"...You just admitted to being stupid."
"I am not! I am brilliant!"
"...Whatever. You going to kill me or what?"
"...Yes."
"...Soon?"
"...Yes."
"...Now?"
"...Yes." Raven said, pulling out his two knives and leaping at Yoshimitsu.
"Very well, then." Yoshimitsu said, pulling out his sword and leaping at Raven.
Cut to field of billowing flowers with happy music.
I'm sorry, but we can't show scenes of excessive violence such as this.
Just enjoy the flowers.
Smell them.
Can you?
Thought not.
Yoshimitsu and Raven both were sprawled on the ground, their respective weapons stained with blood. But, hey, since I don't like to kill characters off until the very last chapter...THEY'RE ALIVE AGAIN! Hooray!
"What the fuck?" Raven asked, completely confused. "I was dead a minute ago..."
"Aye! So was I!" Yoshimitsu responded.
"Eh...let's just pretend this whole thing didn't happen. Deal?" Raven said, extending his hand.
"...Sure..." Yoshimitsu said, grasping Raven's hand and shaking it.
With that, Yoshimitsu returned to his home. After having another meal of wood and wheat stalks, he headed off to bed. But then...he realized something.
"Dear God! It's been more than one day! This completely does not live up to the title! I mean, it just makes no–"
A/N: RIGHT! Had to shut him up there, before he dealt with my inconsistency. But, aw, who cares? Tekken 5 is pretty awesome. However, my memory card erased all the data...so I now I have to play it aaaaalllllllll over again. Well. At least it gives me something else to waste my time. Just kidding omg.