Chapter 5: Combot

A/N: Holy crap, I haven't updated this in over a month...I'm sorry, baby. Forgive me? I knew you would...you don't? WELL SCREW YOU, I'M DOING MY BEST! Seriously, though. Get off my back, it hurts.

Bryan awoke one morning (which happens to be this morning) to the sound of birds chirping. He smiled to himself as he pulled out an Uzi and shot every single bird outside his window.

"I can tell that this is going to be a good day." Bryan said, setting his Uzi down on his dresser and going to the bathroom to perform his daily ritual of showering (Ew), brushing his teeth, shaving, and all that stuff.

Stepping out of the bathroom, Bryan looked around the room and said to himself, "Hmm...what arbitrary, psychotic, homicidal task shall I perform today? I know! I'll get my giant gatling gun and shoot everyone!" Bryan hummed gleefully to himself as he picked up said gatling gun and walked down the stairs.

Suddenly, a taxi crashed through the wall, plowing into Bryan and crushing the cyborg with it's massive weight. Combot stuck his head out of the driver's seat window and examined the room. "Pizza deliv–" He started, before noticing he had crushed Bryan with the taxi. "...Oops. Oh well. Target eliminated." And with that, Combot backed out of Bryan's house...and then pulled right back in, running Bryan over a second time. Then he sped off.

In a dark and dreary basement, Combot stood in front of a large whiteboard that had the names of Tekken fighters on it. He took an eraser from the shelf connected to the board and tried to erase Bryan's name. However, the eraser wasn't working.

"Damn." Combot said, then looked out the basement window, he saw an evil corporation. Wall-Mart. After driving to Wall-Mart and running over random people, he finally got his new eraser and came back to his home. Once again, he tried erasing his name, this time, successfully. "Success." He said.

"Very good, Combot." A familiar voice said from a darkened corner.

Combot slowly turned around to face the one who uttered the words, discovering that it was...LEE CHAOLAN! Dun dun dun. "You." Combot said, pointing accusingly at his creator. "You made me suck so much, they had to bring back Mokujin. Now I'm a sucky assassin that is here only to provide comic relief."

"Yes." Lee acknowledged.

"...You have no retort? No defense?"

"Nope."

"Combot, let me ask you something."

"...Sure."

"Do you believe that robots go to Heaven when they die?"

"...What?"

"Because you are about to find out."

"...That was lame."

"Yeah, well so are you."

"I know. Stop reminding me."

"You are."

"...Well. If you're going to be a little bitch, I demand a stylized action fight!"

"So be it!" Lee said, pulling into his fighting stance. He ran at Combot and punched him as hard as he could...and then pulled his bloody and broken hand back, crying in pain.

"Ha. Haha. Hahaha. You cannot beat me with your fists. I am a robot."

"But it worked in the last few games...I could punch Yoshimitsu's armor and Mokujin and I didn't get hurt..." Lee said, sniffling.

"Yeah, well...that's because our games defy the laws of physics at every point possible. So..." Combot said, picking up a gun off his desk and shooting Lee repeatedly, the latter dropping to the ground in a heap of blood and snappy clothes.

Hey, wait a minute...Combot, you're supposed to be a crappy assassin who just performs wacky antics and for comic relief!

"Come on, man. I'm the worst character ever. Just give me this one."

...Very well.

So, anyway. Combot erased Lee's name, then checked who his next target was...Julia.

Elsewhere, Julia was walking home from her classes, when a taxi pulled up next to her.

"Hey, baby." Combot said, donning his fake mustache. "You need a ride home?"

"...Err...hi, Combot. I'll walk." She responded, giving Combot a weird look and speeding up her pace.

"Come on. Don't leave me hanging." Combot said, speeding up to be next to her.

"No, thanks, Combot. I'll walk."

"...Get in the damn car."

"...HELP! HELP! RAPIST!" Julia yelled, running as fast as she could.

"What! I couldn't rape you even if I wanted to!" Combot yelled. "...And I do." He muttered.

"What was that last part?"

"...I...don't..."

Julia narrowed her eyes, walked up to the cab, and opened Combot's door. She then pulled him out and kicked him in the face.

"Ow." Combot said, being knocked into his own cab.

"Perv." Julia said, stomping off.

"Wait a minute. Lee couldn't hit me without hurting himself. Why can you?"

"Apparently you forgot Lee's a total wuss." Julia called back.

"...Oh...yes."

Later on, Combot decided to go after his next target...Wang. Tee hee. Okay, enough immaturity. So, yeah, anyway...um...what?

Oh yeah. Wang was sitting on a park bench, feeding birds, like all stereotypical old men do. As he threw more...bird food...out, Combot approached from behind.

"Wang Jinrei." Combot said, eliciting snickers from other park-goers. "...Oh, shut up."

"What do you want, sonny?" Wang said, turning around.

"You in a cemetery and about six feet down."

"...That was lame, sonny. You definitely are the creation of Lee Chaolan."

"...Silence."

"Now, you wouldn't physically injure a man my age, would you?"

"I would."

"YOU METAL BASTARD!"

"Hey, fuck you old timer." Combot monotonously said, advancing towards Wang.

"You'll have to catch me, ya stupid robot!" Wang yelled, running off and laughing crazily.

"I will." Combot said, running after him.

"Heheh! I was the fastest one at school when I was a lad!"

"Oh, you mean one hundred years ago?" Combot said, slowly gaining on Wang until...he tripped over a large stick and fell into a puddle, short circuiting.

"Ha! That's karma for ya, metal man!" Wang said, laughing gleefully and walking off. "Oh, and for your information, it was one hundred and twenty years ago!" Wang called back.

Combot said nothing and just kept twitching uncontrollably. A few hours later, he awoke and stood up. "Very well. Two failures...I'll try for my next target."

Meanwhile, Kazuya Mishima sat in his office, desperately trying to make a call home. An employee stood next to him, holding the phone while Kazuya clung to the receiver. "But I need to let Jun know I want steak tonight!"

"I'm sorry, sir. I guess the call won't go through." The employee said.

"Won't go through, eh! I'll show you!" Kazuya said, grabbing the phone and throwing it at the employee, knocking the poor guy out.

"...Aw, crap, I just pulled a Russell Crowe...sorry, err..." Kazuya squinted at the employee's name tag. "Robert. I'll give you an extra dollar on your paycheck some time this millennium." Kazuya said, squinting at the door, and then the window. He concluded that it was shorter to go to the window, so Kazuya did what any good boss would do. Toss Robert out the window.

Immediately after the employee was tossed out of the window, there was a knock on the door. "...What?" Kazuya asked. "Who is it?"

"Your favorite employee. Mike...Mikerson." A monotonous voice said.

Kazuya rolled his eyes. "Combot, you realize that's the last fake name you used, don't you?"

"...I am not this Combot person. I am the favorite employee of the month."

"...That's not even an award."

"...Yes it is."

"I know my own awards, Combot...of which there are none. Now cut the wacky antics and just get this horrible assassination attempt over with."

"Very well." Combot said. "Charge."

Kazuya opened the door and side-stepped as Combot ran through and over to the open window that Robert was just tossed out of. Combot skidded to a halt directly in front of the window, barely missing the fall.

However, Kazuya had walked up behind him and then pushed him out.

"Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap." Combot said, falling several stories and making a Combot-shaped hole in the ground.

Combot crawled out of the hole and slowly trudged back to his taxi. After he got in, a group of little kids walked up and started pointing and laughing.

"Look, it's Combutt from the Tekken games!" One of them said, pointing at Combot. The others laughed.

Combot's window rolled down and his arm shot out, grabbing the kid and pulling him inside the taxi. The window rolled back up and muffled screams could be heard.

The kids stared dumbfounded at the car until the window rolled down again. A skeleton wearing the boy's clothes was tossed out of the car.

Combot then drove off, leaving the kids screaming in terror. "Skinning children and removing their internal organs always makes me feel better." Combot said to himself, driving home. "...Oh, who am I kidding? I have no feelings."

He got home very late at night and wandered over to an outlet with a cord sticking out of it. He took the cord and plugged into his ass, and then, with his head hung and his shoulders drooping, he fell asleep.

A/N: Again, sorry for the delay. Ah well. No offense to any Russell Crowe fans, I respect him as an actor. He's terrific, but he's also kind of a dick. Anyway, review. Or I'll cry.