Chapter 8: Wang

A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a long time, I just need to take a break so ideas can come to me. Otherwise, you get what you got in the last chapter. Jin-bashing.

Wang Jinrei awoke one morning, presumably in some cabin in a beautiful forest somewhere in some place. Some country. Planet. Whatever.

What happens next is what happens at the beginning of every chapter, a daily morning routine with a little quirk set in to form a joke. Wang looked in the mirror that morning and gazed at his wrinkled face. "...I am so old...I should probably be dead...what am I, a hundred something?"

With a groan, Wang dragged himself into the kitchen and ate breakfast. Since that's not exciting enough, I'll add a ninja attack.

Several ninjas leapt through three windows and one wall to get into Wang's cabin. Unfortunately for them, the two that leapt through the wall were knocked out and bleeding severely on the ground.

"What the! Now, that's not fair, I am having breakfast!" Wang shouted at the approaching ninjas.

"Well, we're killer ninjas, so we don't care." Random Ninja #2 said.

"Yeah, and we demand an AWESOME FIGHT." Random Ninja #6 said.

"Very well." Wang said, slowly rising from his seat. "Let me get over there." Then, he slowly started walking towards the ninjas.

Five minutes later...

Still walking.

Ten minutes later...

Still walking...and then he savagely beat them. The ninjas lay groaning and clutching their stomachs, legs, faces, kidneys, what ever area had been effected.

"Ow, how could you do that! You could barely move a minute ago..." Random Ninja #3 said.

"Yes, my son, that was just to make you think I was slow and weak. But I beat the crap out of you, didn't I?" Wang responded.

"Please, sir, I must know your name." The ninja pleaded.

"...You'll laugh."

"No I won't."

"...Very well." With a sigh, Wang said, "Wang Jinrei."

"..." The ninja stifled a laugh. "Your name is Wang?"

"Oh, dammit! I knew that was coming! I'm tired of all the jokes about my name! Henceforth, I will be known as OLD MAN RIVER."

Chapter 8: Old Man River

"...Okay. I think I'll die now." The ninja said, then did exactly that.

"HA! Kicked your ass!" Wang yelled, then walked out of his cabin, leaving the bodies of the ninjas strewn about. "I think I'll visit my grandson, Xiaoyu!" And then he promptly broke his hip.

Hours later, he walked out of the emergency room...and broke his hip again. Another few hours later, he walked out of the emergency room with a good, strong, titanium hip. I think that would hurt. But who cares? If you're reading this, you should already have suspended the laws of physics...and a good deal of health information.

"Do you have a place to stay, Mr...River?" One of the surgeons asked.

"Oh, I think I'll visit my grandson, Xiaoyu!"

"...You mean the girl in the waiting room?"

"Yep! My grandson!"

"...'Kay. The total for both surgeries is...6,000,000 yen."

"...Well..." Wang–Old Man River began...then promptly beat up the surgeon and quickly strode out.

In the waiting room, Xiaoyu sat in a chair, waiting for her old, senile grandpa who can only hear and see well when faced with ninja attacks, apparently. Inconsistencies ROCK.

"Grandpa!" Xiaoyu beamed, sprang to her feet and hugged her grandfather.

"Oh, Xiaoyu! It feels like it's been ages since I've seen my grandson!"

"..." Xiaoyu quickly let go of him. "I'm a girl, grandpa. I'm your granddaughter."

"Really? I always thought you were a bit on the feminine side...I just thought you had a real high voice, man boobs, and the mentality of a kindergartner...or do you still have that?"

"...You old senile fart." Xiaoyu muttered under her breath.

"AH! NINJA!" Wang said, doing one of his charging power moves on her and running out, screaming hysterically.

"OW...OW...OW..." And then Xiaoyu was rushed to the emergency room. Which didn't take long, they probably didn't even have to put her on a gurney. I mean, she was right there.

As he was walking away, Wang decided he would attempt to make his own food. However, this would probably result in several burns, and possibly his timely demise. "Groceries are free in Japan!" He said, apparently forgetting that he is Chinese, and was indeed...in China. "And stop calling me Wang, it's Old Man River!"

Stop breaking down the fourth wall! I need that for stuff!

ANYWAY, he walked into the grocery store, unintentionally intending (oxymoron) to rob the store of all the food he wanted.

On his way out of the store, Mr. River was stopped short by one of the cashiers.

"Sir, you're going to have to pay for those four cart fulls of bananas."

"NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! GROCERIES ARE SUPPOSED TO FREE IN JAPAN!"

"...We're in China, sir."

"NEVER!" Wang said, running out, pushing his carts full of bananas.

I don't know how the hell he did it, but somehow, he got back to his remote cabin in the mountains, pushing four cart fulls of bananas.

"I hate bananas!" Wang yelled when he reached the top, then rushed back to the grocery store.

"There he is!" The cashier yelled, pointing accusingly at Wang/Old Man River. Several police officers turned...and rushed the one hundred and one year old man. Unfortunately for them, video game characters, no matter how small, old, and frail they may be...have unnatural power. So he promptly beat them up and ran off.

Stealing four cart fulls of lobsters, Wang/Old Man River found the energy to run back to his remote cabin. There, he found a letter on his doorstep. It read:

Dear Wang Jinrei,

It is your old friend Jinpachi again. I have recently turned into a giant, soul-eating, savage killing machine. I have been shot in the face repeatedly by an equally weird-looking ninja, and would like some help taking the bullets out of my face.

Sincerely, Jinpachi Mishima

P.S. This really hurts.

"A letter!" Wang/Old Man River exclaimed, holding up the letter in triumph. "A call from my dear friend, Jinpachi! I remember we used to get completely hammered together and then beat random people!" With that, Wang set out to find his friend, although he had no indication of where he was.

Several hours later, Wang/Old Man River had gotten into his back yard, when Jinpachi walked up, bullet-ridden and in all his giant monster glory. "I figured you'd be here." He said, walking over to Wang/Old Man River.

"I'm sorry, I went as fast as I could. How are you? How's my favorite grandson? Eh, Xiaoyu? Eh?"

"...Oh Wang, you're just as senile as I remember you. Which isn't that well, because a bullet went through my brain. I don't how I'm alive...probably the monster. Please help me take these bullets out of my face."

Several hours of brutal surgery later, Wang had finally amputated Jinpachi's leg. Oh, and taken out the bullets.

"Thank you, Wang. Even though you removed my leg, I thank you for taking out the section of my brain that interprets pain."

"No problem, old friend." Wang/Old Man River said, stretching. "It was as easy as Christie Monteiro."

Just then, several police officers stormed inside. Keep in mind Wang hadn't removed the ninjas corpses. "Good lord! What have you done to that man!" The officer shouted, pointing at Jinpachi.

"...Who?"

"He means me, Wang. Oh, and thanks for taking out my central nervous system, too. I can finally die." And with that, Jinpachi died and turned to dust for the second time in this work of fiction.

"Ooh! Kitty litter! Now, how did that get here?" Wang/Old Man River, asked.

"Mr. River, you are under arrest for putting a surgeon and your own granddaughter in critical condition, for robbing a grocery store of four carts of bananas and four carts of lobsters, and for horribly mutilating and then murdering that guy that turned into dust!" So, Wang/Old Man River was read his rights, thrown into a cop car, and hauled to jail.

END.

A/N: Well, it took a while, but I think I got my mojo back. I forget that a lot. So, yeah...leave me reviews.