Red Nightmare

by: Neko-kyolover

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Unseeing...being unable to comprehend or presume what is to come...unable to hear the whispers of the fated future...There is silence in the darkness...silence that cannot be broken...silence that will echo on forever till the end of eternity...

The wind is blowing ever so gently, tugging the wisps of his aromatic crimson hair around his pastel creamy skin that seems to glow in the radiance of the weakening moon, basking in the luminous glow of its timid rays. In ways that I have scarcely comprehended, he is more beautiful than anything I've ever encountered before, particularly in the haunted moonlight.

His lustrous emerald eyes stare longingly up through those long black eyelashes, full and gorgeous in the silhouetted darkness. My eyes turn reluctantly from his sight to what he seems to be so intent on gazing at. He seems to be staring up through the crisscrossing branches, through the reddening autumn leaves at the stars twinkling mischievously above.

A slight sigh catches my attention back to him and he lowers his passionate eyes to meet mine. The look in his eyes is so intense, so longing, so sorrowful. I'm slightly taken aback. What has caused such a sudden feeling in him?

"Hiei..." he says almost bashfully as he takes a small step closer. As he does a slight waft of fragranced rose overwhelms my senses and I can feel warmth radiating from his warm body.

"Hn...What fox?" I ask with only slight interest. His nose does that little twitch and I can almost see that peculiar glint in his eyes. He seems pleased with my answer. What a strange fox. All I did was ask him what he wanted.

"You actually answered with something other than a 'hn' " Kurama said with a laugh. My heart begins to beat a little faster. The sound of his laughter sends a wave of shivers down my spine. Such a sweet fresh sound is his laughter, one that manages to send me in such a quiver every time and every time it seems to piss me off!

Why the nerve of that damn kitsune! I turn away suddenly and start to stride away, my black cloak billowing out behind me as my footsteps echo silently in the darkness.

"Wait Hiei! I wanted to talk to you!" he calls after me, and I can hear his slight footsteps, but I ignore them as I speed ahead. Just before he leaves my sight I can hear his words whispering silently across the air between us. "Hiei…I…" and then there was nothing as I speeded on ahead.

That night was a lonely night that I spent out in the treetops in the park. I guess I didn't have to spend the night in the Ningenkai. I could have always returned to the Makai, but something was tying me down to that place and I'm not sure what.

I had just been hanging out with Kurama under the stars that night because he had asked me too. He had told me he wanted to tell me something, but I'm not sure I'm ready to hear what he has to say yet…so that's why I ran. I can't stand to see him hurt and I can't trust myself not to say something that will hurt him. I…I'm not ready…Not yet…If only Kurama would wait just a little longer…for me…

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I can smell his sweet aroma that is left to drift through the damp moisture of the evening's air. Every slight movement that he made is left imprinted stoically in my mind, his graceful steps making my body long to envelope his petite body in my arms. With a sigh I give up and slowly return to my house. If only Hiei wouldn't be so cold and distant. If only he would let me tell him how much I really do long for him.

In the silence of the night I can feel my heart burning, my body aching for him to be within my embrace, but knowing that it would never be possible. My mind burns with thoughts of his pale alabaster skin so eternally soft as it brushes under my fingertips and his small luscious lips dancing across mine. Slowly, ever so slowly I loop my arm around his waist and pull him tight against my chest, feeling his heart beat against my fevered skin. A small moan escape his lips as my tongue darts out to sample the tender skin of his slender neck as he tilts his head back in surrender.

I don't truly understand this desire, but its consuming me. I need to tell him how much I need, how much I long for him. I know what Hiei's answer would be though. He would think it was all just lust, which would be completely understandable, but I wanted something more than just physical. There's something about him, his individuality, his peculiar sense of humor that occasionally he lets me see, his impossibly complex code of honor, his intellect, his strength…the list could go on forever. There's so many things about him that just seem to drive my heart wild. I think I'm in love with him, as crazy and ridiculous as that might sound, I think I'm in love with him.

But what could he possibly think of me, just a mere youkai trapped inside this frail human body? I know he respects me for my strength, but I want more than just respect. I want his love, his admiration. I want him to think that I am something special to be cherished. I want him to see me just as I see him, something I could never live without.

At the same time I am wishing this I am knowing it can never really come true. It's not Hiei's nature to cherish or love something. His heart is hardened from years in the Makai and I know I have grown inevitably soft here in the Ningenkai. But how could my heart not? This love is a stronger emotion than I have ever known as a kitsune. This love is so tranquil and so vindictive at the same time. Love is so complicated, so unfathomable, so…unconditional….and unforgettable. I don't think I could ever give up this feeling no matter how much pain and misery it was causing me. I don't care what kind of ache my heart is going through right now, all I know that it is bliss to love Hiei, no matter if it is requited or not.

So here I am standing in the shadows of the park, the wind tossing my hair this way and that and my chance has been shattered all by a simple jest. For a split second I thought I had felt fear in Hiei, but I don't know what he could have been scared of. My footsteps seem so lonely in the quiet of the night, echoing on the harsh paved ground as I began my walk back home. The street lamps flicker as they always do at this time of night with that lonely sputter that never seems to end.

The aching has returned to my heart, the loneliness that always comes to me when Hiei is not near. Sometimes I wish he wasn't so cold, he wasn't so callous and calculating. Sometimes I wish that he would just understand what I was feeling, but then again…he's Hiei.

My feet drag despairingly on the cemented ground and my mind begins to spin. Why am I so valueless? Why won't he pay attention to me? Why is everything always turn out so wrong? I don't understand why everything has to happen like this. It just makes me want to give up hope.

I'm home now in this ordinary suburban house that I live in with my human mother who has absolutely no clue of the horrific secret that I'm keeping from her. I'm such a liar, a impostor, a fraud, a scammer. I used her just to recuperate. At first I didn't even give a care about who she was or what happened to her. At first she was nothing. but a tool to me…nothing but something to be used and tossed away…forgotten in the dust of the past.

Up the stairs my feet travel in routine, my mind not even aware. Into my room, lock the door. I have to keep all these horrible secrets locked away from sight. They're too ugly to let anyone see. I have to hide this repulsiveness behind my perfect mask, my façade of flawlessness.

My hand quivers though as I reach for something to hold onto. I'm about to break down into tears. Why am I crying? Why do I feel such utter despair? Why am I so worthless? Why is my body crumbling under such emotional weight? Why…why was I allowed to survive? What is keeping me going anymore? What is there to live for? I can't see anything. Nothing, but my quivering hand as I reach out and grab for anything….anything to hold onto.

My trembling fingers encircle around something sharp, something smooth and my tearful eyes focus on it, my quivering increasing. It's a knife, one I was using to cut stuff earlier today. My mind is spinning, so confused. I'm feel such a sense of guilt and self-hate, like I don't deserve anything anymore.

I slowly lift the knife, the light glinting along its blade. Could physical pain distract me from this horrible aching in my heart? The knife slides along my arm, lightly at first, but then deeper as the pain increases. Yes, pain in the body, something I can stand, something I can conquer.

The blood drips in crimson dewdrops from my skin, falling in a resonating sequence like scarlet tears splashing down onto the floor along with my crystal teardrops. My arm is numb from the pain, but I have done no lasting damage. The blood continues to flow and my finger traces along the cut gathering a layer of crimson.

Numbly I lift that finger and gaze at the scarlet liquid and somehow I am mesmerized by it. How ironic that pain would be the only thing that could numb the ache inside of me, the only thing that could make me forget all the horrible things I've done, that would make me feel somewhat at ease.

I'm sinking…falling deeper into this depression, this emptiness, this void. I'm being sucked deep into the recesses of my mind, where I've never been before. I'm hiding it all beneath this façade again, this pain it must all be pushed underneath away from the eyes of everyone else. I'm succumbing to my weakness and the barriers are steadily breaking, but yet I still fight to somehow sustain them.

Deep into that night my heart ached and the tears continued to flow, me helpless to stop it. I longed to be held, to be comforted, but there was no one there. No one even knew how much I was suffering, and that just made me feel even more alone. I was howling inside for someone to come to me, but my lips were silent, my hands stained with my own blood as the night faded away into a red nightmare.

-Owari-