Disclaimer: The characters, places, things, etc. of Little Nicky do not belong to me, unfortunately. They belong to Happy Madison productions.

Not My Fault

It's not my fault I betrayed my father, you know.

It's Nicky's. Hard to believe, I know, since he's so weak and pathetic, but it's true. I'll explain why.

I was the eldest of Satan's sons (that I know of, anyway; for all I know, my father could've jacked up some mortal and not known it). I was born twenty-two thousand, six-hundred-thirty-two years ago. Then there was Cassius, eighteen thousand, four-hundred-twenty-one years ago. And then, fifteen thousand, one-hundred-sixteen years ago, Nicky was born.

I had carefully, over the years, tried to win Dad's approval – and I think that, at first, I did. I thought it only natural that Dad chose me, his eldest son, to succeed him as Prince of Darkness. He couldn't choose Cassius – Cassius was too rash and stupid to be Satan. I could see that right off Dad wouldn't choose him, especially when he had me. I was the perfect picture of the devil's son: ruthless, clever, and able to keep my temper – most of the time. However, I wasn't too mad when Dad didn't choose me twenty thousand years ago, because even he hadn't been Satan yet. I was a little ticked ten thousand years ago, but not too much; he probably didn't think I was ready yet, and I could accept that. I hadn't been around all that long; that's probably why, I figured.

I did whatever I could to gain his approval, doing all I could – I tortured the prisoners with expertise, considerate to not do too much damage (and obeying Dad's rule of giving them breaks, even though I didn't like it). I never assaulted the other advocates of Darkness – not even the Gatekeeper or Gary the Monster, like Cassius did. I always did my best to excel in whatever I did, and tried to seem humble – it was hard, the last part, because really, when you can do whatever you do perfectly, it's kind of hard to be modest. I didn't bully Cassius. I worked hard to get Dad's favor.

And then, he was born – Nicky. I can still remember the very day he came to Hell, and the days afterwards that turned into years. Almost immediately, he had won Dad's affection, the very affection I'd worked for, day after day, for thousands of years – and he couldn't even crawl, or talk, or do anything, for that matter! I don't really know why Dad adored him so much; he even called him "Little Nicky." Cassius and I called him that, only we said it much more unpleasantly, and told him it was a girl's name (which is why Cassius calls him daddy's little girl), and that it was something only a wimp was called, but Dad was trying to make him feel better by saying it nicely. It made him cry when he was little.

Anyway, I didn't understand why Dad was going ga-ga over a baby, of all things; he hadn't adored Cassius that much, when he'd first come, or even me (at least, I don't think so: the memories are kind of fuzzy, since they happened such a long time ago). I think it had something to do with Nicky's mother – Dad never told me (or anyone, for that matter) who she was. I never liked not knowing something, and so I made fun of not knowing by telling Nicky his mother was a mountain goat. Cassius joined in too, more out of his love of bullying people, especially our little brother, than anything else.

But back on subject.

The first year or so that Nicky was with us he was in a cradle most of the time, except when Dad played with him. Then he slowly grew up, year after year getting taller, until he stopped at a just a couple inches south of six feet (four inches shorter than me, which I increased by wearing healed boots). He was quite handsome, I suppose, and (ugh) sweet too, which of course all girls love. He quickly became Dad's favorite, replacing me, which really pissed me off. Dad loved him, if a devil could love.

Everyone else liked Nicky, too – I don't really know for sure (funny, seems most of the things I don't know have to do with Nicky), but I think it was because he didn't cause that much trouble or make fun of any of the other advocates, unlike Cassius, or mind-wrestle with anyone (more out of lack of skill than kindness, I think). I hated Nicky, hated him for taking Dad away from me, and for winning Dad's affection just like that while it took me thousands of years.

I mostly ignored him, though, because Dad made it clear he didn't want me or Cassius to be mean to Nicky, although only I listened, save for a few times. Besides, Cassius tormented him so much that all I had to do was watch. I laughed so hard when Cassius hit him in the face with the shovel, ruining his good looks and his voice. Dad really let Cassius have it for that one (made him punch himself in the head so hard he was passed out for the rest of the day, and then didn't let him leave his room for weeks). I was so happy that I was kind to Cassius during his imprisonment, congratulating him and visiting him and giving him some darts and a dartboard, so he wouldn't be too bored. It was the least I could do, because he was the reason I finally had a name to call Nicky apart from Little Nicky: Shovelface. It didn't rile him much, after a year or so, but it made me feel better (and he knew I'd get back at him somehow if he told Dad I called him that; Dad couldn't always be there).

I left him alone, mostly, all those years, out of hope that I could gain back Dad's approval by doing it, and like I said, Cassius tormented him so much I just had to wait and watch. It seemed perfect, watching Nicky punch himself or bang his head on the table or do an embarrassing dance after losing to Cassius in a mind-wrestling match, and being able to slink away (still laughing internally) unpunished.

Then, that fateful day came – another ten thousand years had gone. I was positive that this time Dad would chose me. I'd waited long enough, and besides, who else would he choose? Not Cassius – he was strong, and tough, like Dad said, but he was still too rash and dumb. Not Nicky, either, because while Nicky was Dad's favorite he was sweet, and seemed to have no evil whatsoever. That left me.

I'll admit, now, that I had unfavorable plans for Nicky – plans to make him miserable, plans to make him wish he'd never been born. He knew it, too, although I think he preferred me to be devil because he knew that Cassius would be far more brutal and cruel than me (I'd give him breaks when I tortured him, at least; he was my brother, after all).

Then Dad had the nerve to choose himself – himself! – again, instead of me. That was the last straw. After loosing favor because of a stupid, sideway-faced, kind boy with a speech impediment, after loosing the favorite's place, after my father chose himself as Prince of Darkness again, after all ready having done it for ten thousand years! And all because of him – Nicky, my stupid, inept younger brother.

Once I escaped to Earth, I forgot about Nicky for a little while after that. I allowed myself to cool down and relax. Then I saw him on that street with that girl (who wasn't even pretty). I took great joy in making him tell her about her "heart-shaped heinie" and that he "always dreamed about having sex with a gross pig," and then giving her the finger. I made sure he made her angry – after all, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, even though she looked like the kind that got picked on but did nothing. But you never know, do you? I've lived thousands of years, but I've never figured out women (that might have to do with me not having much contact with them; girls that were sent to Hell usually weren't all that interesting).

After that, Nicky mind-told me (one of the few talents he could do well) Dad was dying, and to my surprise, I didn't feel guilty or sad – actually, I felt happy! Of course, then he tried to talk tough, which really annoyed me (yet another reason to hate Nicky; he could always get under my skin and not even mean it). I also got to kill him, even though he could and would still come back. Felt good, though.

However, to my disgust, he got that girl to forgive him (not completely surprised; I always did think that before he was hit upside the head with the shovel he'd be a charmer), and therefore get her to love him. Bah! Love – only fools fell in love. I used that, to try to get him to get in the flask, but that stupid bulldog from Hell (literally) shot that arrow at me, providing enough distraction for that girl, Valerie I think her name was, to bite me. I grabbed her, and managed to get her in front of that train, but Nicky pushed me to the side and threw her back onto the platform. I jumped back in front of the train because I needed a word with my father.

I still don't know (yet again) where he went while I went to Hell. Heaven, perhaps? He was wearing a very goofy and – and cute outfit when I saw him again.

But anyway, when I managed to get from the gatekeeper (that was freaky, pulling a guy's tits) that I could become devil by just sitting on the throne, I nearly exploded with happiness. Why didn't Cassius and I go to Earth before? Then I could've become devil earlier.

I kissed Dad, and tossed his lips, his arms, as well as my loyalty to him aside. I took great pleasure in sitting in that throne, doing it slowly so I could live in the moment. And when the horns grew – words couldn't describe what I felt. Happiness? Giddiness? Excitement? Pride? There was one emotion I could describe – triumph. I'd triumphed over Nicky, and over Dad and his stupid affections.

When I saw Nicky again, it was when he appeared with some of my demons, bunnies, butterflies, and (oddly enough) a giant box of Popeye's chicken. It was quite shocking when he jumped up beside me. I gave him a chance to show what he had, because he'd become interesting to me – where'd he get all that confidence and power? Dad, maybe? I'll admit, he did some stuff I didn't think he'd ever have the power to do, but it was nothing compared to me. I'd triumphed again, and managed to punch Nicky a few times (something I'd been longing to do since Nicky had been born), and knock him off a cliff, even though his fall was broken by that bed (I wonder how that got there; didn't Nicky say "thanks, Mom"?).

I got the crap beaten out of me, by pillows of all things. I did get my demons to overpower him, and get him into the flask. Unfortunately, the idiot grabbed my cape so I went in too. Cassius and Nicky got some good shots at me, until Nicky got rid of Cassius (only time I was ever grateful he, Nicky, existed) and it was just him and me. I conjured a shovel, knocked him out, and got out of the flask disguised as him. I'd won!

My triumph didn't last long, although I did manage to kiss Little Nicky's girlfriend (I hadn't been willingly kissed by a woman before); until she found out I wasn't her beloved Nicky. The look on her face was priceless!

Pardoning the pun, things went to Hell after that. Ozzy Osbourne bit my head off when I was a bat (damn, that hurt) and when I was forced into the flask (which also hurt and made me dizzy). And now, here I am, shoved up Hitler's ass, with only my other dumb brother for company, for the rest of eternity.

My father hates me, that demon Jimmy hates me, my grandfather hates me, even my brother Nicky hates me (I think, and if he doesn't, then his girlfriend – perhaps wife, by now – certainly does) – all because I betrayed my father.

But as you can see, it's not my fault, not really.

It's Nicky's.

© JeanieBeanie33

Author's Note: Just wrote this because I watched the movie and fell in love with Adrian. I decided to add a human side to him, to try to explain why he hated Nicky so much. Do you like it? I tried to keep Adrian in character. He always struck me as the type of guy who was too arrogant to admit he was wrong or jealous about somebody, particularly somebody they thought below him, and Adrian definitely considered Nicky below him.

Also, I'm trying to get more people to write more Little Nicky stories on Anybody interested in doing that? I swear, the movie is the most hilarious movie I've ever seen, apart from Dumb and Dumber.