Disclaimer: Don't' own Sailor Moon
Chapter 14 – Out of Control
Serena's head felt as if it would burst of frustration and anger for the world as she tried hard to pull on her hair. She let out a frustrated scream that was muffled by plastered walls. There was too much emotion built inside of her. What Amy tried to do, what Rei had done, why Lita was suffering.'It's not fucking fair' she thought to herself as she through her pillows at her mirror and around the room like a mad woman with her anger. When everything and anything that could be thrown was, she laid on the floor and cried a child's cry. The cry that if you heard it you would no it was a serious matter. Serena cried, trying to call out her mother's name in her pain.
'You don't love me mommy, you don't want me, you don't want me, you don't want me' she repeated in her mind and out through her mouth in painful sobs. Suddenly her father came in to see his daughter crying on the floor with tears and a red face. But he didn't care, he wasn't sober and his mind and heart couldn't be responsible for his actions towards her.
"What the hell kind of raucous are you making" He said pulling her up by her shirt.
"Get the fuck away" She said as she pulled her father's sweaty hands away from her.
"No. NO, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" Serena cried as she slapped her father's hand away from her.
"You fucking talkin' back" He said holding her by her neck against the wall, taking the air he had given Serena out of her lungs. Serena gagged, asking God for her father to let her go so that she could breathe the air she didn't want to breathe. Her father let her go as she cried and screamed at him again.
"YOU DON'T WANT ME DADDY, YOU DON'T WANT ME" She said as she slid down the wall covering her red face with her hot and sweaty hands of pain. With her father's rage getting worse slapped her and hit her more than once then turning his back to his child as he began to walk out the room with bloody hands. Her father started to clench his heart and breathe heavily as he held onto the wall in Serena's room. She heard her father gasping for air as she had done earlier. She looked up from her crying slowly to see her father collapsing to the ground. Her eyes got huge as he laid on the carpet, like he was having a seizure. Serena looked at the man who she wanted to die, who she wanted to be condemned to hell for the rest of eternity, but as a human being she screamed for her mother. Her mother, not sober either couldn't comprehend her daughter's cry, so instead Serena was the parent and called 911.
She was in the ambulance as her father was rushed to the hospital.
"Does he have any prescription pills for his cardiovascular system" Asked one of the paramedics. Serena felt her jacket pocket where she had put the pills, she knew her father needed them. She looked at her father lying motionless on the table. Her heart burned with rage and the images of him beating her and her mother burned like an angry pit of fire. The world seemed to stop or go in slow motion as the images burned her and engraved the memories in the back of her head that would make of her dream of them when she fell asleep every night.
"NO" She said coldly. The paramedic turned back around to assist the others as Serena slowly took the bottle of pills out of her pocket. She looked up at her father as even more hate filled her eyes. She looked like she hadn't slept in days, with round circles under her eyes, and tangled hair. She clutched the bottle of pills tight and looked at the small window next to her. She took the bottle and through it out the window.
By the time she reached the hospital her father was in critical condition. Once there was nothing they could do, they told Serena that she could say her good byes to her father as he was still living. Her father lied still with his eyes closed. Serena walked in like a zombie, a ghost of a woman that only had the pain in her heart and had never known anything good in her life as she walked up to her father. The heart monitor beat as it slowly declined by the minute, bringing death upon her. She wanted to hurt her father right then and there but turned around and tugged at her long blonde hair in frustration. She turned back at him and started to yell.
"YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, DON'T YOU SEE DADDY, DADDY I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU" With her last words to her father, the heart monitor only beat a single beat and her father was dead.
"Ma'am are you alright" The nurse asked concerned as she came over to Serena. "I'm so sorry" She said with sadness and pity for the woman in her voice.
"I'm not. I'm glad the mother fucker's dead" Serena said as she turned her back to her father towards the door. She walked slowly out of the room, her feet picking up the pace as she walked through the hospital doors. She hurried to get to her house. As she ran, she felt nothing. She was numb with exhilaration. She reached her house still anger and hurt in her eyes. She went to the bathroom with her razor blade and cut herself several times on her arms. She blood first came in tiny droplets and then escalated to a battle wound as she held up her arms, drenching herself in her own blood.
'Why do I punish myself god, why do I do it, make it stop' she thought as she sobbed. She heard her mother still drunk and she started to run out of the house. She had to find Rei, she needed Rei, Rei was the one who listened, who cried when she did, who helped her no matter what circumstance. She ran with blood falling from her arms. She reached Rie's house where Rei was in her room packing her things to head over to Serena's, following Darien's advice when a loud bang came upon her window. She opened it to find Serena hysterical and covered in her own blood.
"Oh my god Serena what's wrong" Rei cried as Serena came into the room through the window.
"REI, THEY DON'T WANT ME, THEY DON'T' WANT ME, HE'S GONE HE CAN'T HURT ME ANY MORE REI, I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME, NO ONE WANTS ME" Serena yelled out as Rei held on to her best friend.
"Who's gone Serena"
"My daddy" Serena cried in her friend's arms as one by one the memories came back, and fell with her tears. Her father was gone and he couldn't hurt her or her mother anymore, but he was still there, still hurting Serena in her memories, in her dreams, in her nightmares. Rei held Serena tight in her arms rocking her back and forth like a child. This is where Serena's safe house was, her safe hospital. Rei was there for Serena always, and Serena was there for Rei.
"Come on," Rei said holding Serena's head up, "let's get you cleaned off and then we'll find someplace to stay for the night" She said as she helped Serena to the bathroom. Rei placed a wet washcloth over her cuts. She wiped them off gently as Serena sniffed her nose.
"It's going to be okay Serena, you're not going through all this alone," Rei said as she held her friend's hand, "I'm here with you" She said with a slight smile.
Once Serena was cleaned up, they caught the bus where Serena leaned on Rei closing her eyes and breathed slowly, staring at the seat in front of her, counting the stripes on the seat. Rei stroked Serena's hair and looked out the window to the images that flew by. Her reflection stared back at her through the window and she looked back down at her friend, knowing that her problems were at a lower totem pole now. She held Serena tighter and waited for them to get to there stop.
Darien sat down watching TV, flipping through the channels to find something good on, yet nothing appealed to him.
'We pay all this money for cable, and there's nothing on' he thought to himself as he kept hitting the channel button. Suddenly the door bell rang and he got up to see who it was.
"We need a place to stay for the night" Rei said as she held Serena at her side when Darien opened the door. Darien looked at Rei and then looked at Serena who seemed like a ghost in her arms.
"Come on in, get out of the rain you guys" He said as both of them came in covered in the rain from what Serena always thought of the rain as God's tears. Darien watched Serena shiver with her arms wrapped around herself tight as Rei left her side to put down their bag of things.
"Darien, when are your parents supposed to be back?" Rei asked taking the towel he had given her and drying her hair.
"Not till a few weeks, they're in Brazil"
"Cool, well I don't know about Serena, but I need a place to stay awhile, you mind" Rei said as she looked at Darien.
"I don't mind" He said shaking his head.
"Well, Sere" Rei said as Serena turned her head in her direction, "I'm going to turn in and go to sleep, are you going to be alright" She asked as Serena nodded her head.
"Alright good night" Rei said walking up the stairs.
"Here," Darien said softly to Serena draping a blanket around her cold body. Serena wasn't in the mood to talk but muttered a "Thank you" .
"Come on" Darien said putting his arms around her laying next to her on the couch.
"Darien I don't want to…"
"We're not Serena, you don't look like your in the mood for that, do you want to talk about it?" He asked as he pushed her wet blonde hair out of her face.
"Not really"
"That's alright then, you should get some sleep" He said getting up to show her to the guest room.
"Will you be alright in here" Darien asked as she looked around the tasteful room. It was a soft blue, and had pictures of the ocean, she could even smell the scent of the ocean breeze as she walked into the room, though the descriptions of the room did not make her crack a smile. She nodded in response as he gave her a kiss on the forehead.
"Call if you need anything" he said with a smile as he closed the door to leave her with a peaceful and quiet room.
Although the room was peaceful and fit for a queen, her heart and mind was not at rest. It seemed as if the whole world was spinning a million miles a minute and she couldn't make it stop. She couldn't go to sleep as she twisted and turned in the sheets of her bed, trying to make the memories from her child hood stop spilling out of her brain like a carton of milk. It was too much too handle all at once. She sat up in bed and flicked the lamp on that sat on the nightstand next to the bed. She looked in the drawer to find a piece of paper and a pen. She sat in bed with a small not pad and a half full pen as she wrote out what was in her heart.
Out of control
Losing her mind
Tears falling behind her eyes
She's falling to fast
She's screaming and yelling about her past
No one seems to understand
When all she's asking is for a helping hand
They've taken from her when now she has nothing
She can't control anything in her life
Powerless, with no strength, only weakness is what she can find
As she lies there broken on the floor
Will no one see her
She is not exaggerating
She is not being dramatic
Don't you see her eyes
The pain behind them
Her face shows no smile
Can't you see she's acting
She tired now
Leave her alone
Why wont you just let her cry
She's hurting inside can't you see
Stop criticizing her she knows what she's done is wrong
She's trying to fix it damn it
She knows its fucked up
Stop beating her with your words
You're not helping
Only making it worse
She's trying to keep her head held high
But she can't when she has to cry
She's trying to stay strong
Trying not to cry
Beating herself up now as her worst enemy inside
Stop it Stop it Stop it
Stop hurting her more
What did she do
She never meant to hurt you
She was trying to hurt herself
Let her have her life back
She's lost all her faith
Her hope is gone
So let her live
She doesn't want to die
How could you think that you're so ignorant
Let her live, please, let her have control
She's out of control now, losing her mind,
Tell me why I am the who has now fallen behind
She looked and read the poem over, satisfied with her work as she turned the lamp of to lay silent in the bed again. The silence in the room was eerie like someone was watching her, her own father maybe, haunting her for what she had done. She tried to close her eyes tight so that she wouldn't open them again and fall asleep but the thunder and lightening out of her window made her jump, she had always hated thunder and lightening, nothing seemed to scare her more. She couldn't take her loneliness anymore, because when she was alone she thought, and when she thought, she cut. She climbed out of bed and went down the hall to Darien's room where she found him asleep in his bed. She walked in quiet as a mouse and crept into his bed. He awoke to find her pulling the covers back and laying next to him.
"Serena is everything ok?" He asked as she got into his bed.
"I can't sleep" She said embarrassed of her comment. Darien smiled, and wrapped his arm around her warmly in bed. He kissed her pale cheek and stroked her hair as she closed her eyes.
"Darien, I love you" Serena whispered as she slowly, slowly fell asleep.
Well tell me what ya think, thanks for reading, i'll update soon. -RoseyRose