By Krippity

A/N: well I don't know why I decided to write this one lonely Wednesday night but I did…just thinking about comical middle names.

My grandmother's parents actually wanted to name my granny Anne for a first name. But they switched it with their preferred second name and put Anne for the middle instead. If they hadn't done that she would've been Anne Rhoda Finch. And that would've been too cruel.

But other peoples parents are so cruel, e.g:

I Don't Have a Middle Name, I Swear

"What's with the suitcase, Remus?" James asked while watching Sirius grumble as he helped the clumsy Peter get his trunk off his foot and into the compartment.

"My mother gave it to me for my birthday," Remus stated as the other three sat down. "It's enchanted so that I'm the only one who can open it."

"Excellent!" James said grabbing the suitcase from Moony's lap and inspecting the smooth brown leather closely. "That'll come in handle when we're storing the goods. Dragon hide?" He questioned, looking up at Remus.

"Cow arse." Remus corrected idly as he looked out the window.

James tried to pry it open, smiling even more when he couldn't open it. "We should put the other map in here as well. We can't lose the copy too," Peter flushed and ducked his head. "No offence Pete, we know there was nothing you could do to stop Filch from getting the original, at least you wiped it clean before he snatched it off you."

"Yeah…" Peter muttered darkly.

"Don't be down mate!" Sirius said poking him in the ribs. "It doesn't matter, there's no way that bloody squib could figure it out anyway."

James nodded distractedly, still inspecting the suitcase. "'Remus J. Lupin'… what does the J stand for?"

"Jacob, after my grandfather. Oof!" Remus grunted as the suitcase was thrown back at him and hit him in the stomach. Sirius took the suitcase from him and stored it overhead.

"Ooooh… sorry!" James gave him a sympathetic look. "My middle name is Lucas. My mother's dead brother, he worked with dragons, got eaten, very tragic…" James smiled and looked around the group. Remus and Peter were paying attention to him but Sirius suddenly looked like he'd rather be anywhere but in the compartment. "What about you Pete?"

"Peter Percival Pettigrew!" He replied proudly.

Remus and James sniggered. "After who?" Remus asked.

"No one," Peter replied with a smile. "My mother just liked the letter P at the time…. Now she's more into shiny green things…" he looked sheepishly at his friends smiling faces. Peter turned to Sirius. "How 'bout you Si-"

"Do you reckon the lunch lady'll be by soon? I'm starved," Sirius asked over the top of Peter.

Remus gave him a weird look. "We've only just started moving. There's about 3 hours till she starts her round."

"Oh…"

The occupants of the compartment sat in awkward silence, a fact that seemed to relieve Sirius greatly.

Peter looked around nervously at the others in the compartment in a desperate search for conversation before turning back to Sirius and saying with confidence: "So what's your middle name?" All Remus and James looked up at Sirius in polite interest.

Sirius groaned under their stares.

"I don't have one." He moaned, not catching any of their eyes but opting instead for the view out the window.

"Liar!" James yelled suddenly. "You can't lie to your friend Sirius!" he leaned into Sirius' personal space and peered nosily at him, trying to catch his eye. "What's your middle name? Come on! Tell us!"

"I don't have one."

"You filthy little liar!"

Remus smiled and Peter gave a little giggle before they both joined James in badgering Sirius.

"I don't have one!" Sirius repeated over and over but they were never satisfied and continued only to question him even more vigorously than before.

"I'll hex it out of you Sirius-"

"Veritaserum, Padfoot, veritaserum; got a batch of it ready in my suitcase-"

"I can't believe you're hiding crucial information like this from us-"

"-you know I will-"

"-don't make me use it-"

"-I'm afraid I will have to resort to drastic measures if you don't relent-"

"-just tell us and it will be so much less painful-"

"-I don't want to, but extreme measures have to be taken in extreme situations as you, yourself have said-"

"-I'm gonna poke you with a fork-"

"-I don't wanna have to rifle through you're things Black but I will-"

"-come on-"

"-if I can find one…"

"ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!" Sirius yelled over the top of them. They obeyed. "I'm not gonna tell you!"

"But why not?" James said sulkily.

Sirius sighed, rolling his head back to lean on the wall. "Because my mother is an evil cow…"

"Ooooooh!" Peter practically squealed. "You have to tell us now!"

"What are you guys? Women! Listen to yourselves my god!" Sirius raised his hand to his temple and began massaging them firmly as if he had a great headache.

Remus looked sympathetic. "Listen Padfoot," he said in a consoling way. "You're going to have to tell us, or I'm afraid we're going to have to slip you a love potion that accidentally contains essence of Snape."

Sirius look like he was about to cave.

"Or you could just give us the first letter and we could guess it!" Peter piped in. Sirius looked slightly cheered.

James and Remus groaned.

"Peter! Don't give him room to move! Have we taught you nothing?" James scolded.

Peter blushed crimson and muttered apologies.

"Well, what's it gonna be Black?" James said in a very business-like manner. "Are you going to just give us the answer straight out? Or tell us the first letter or what? Either way you're going to have to tell us eventually because we will find out. Oohh yes, we have our ways. As we've already explained, we've got veritaserum, love potions, your basic invasion of privacy techniques and even kitchen utensils. But there's so much more than that. We-"

"Lee,"

"-can also take your broomstick and forcibly inser… sorry what?"

"Lee." Sirius grimace.

They stared.

"Sirius… Lee… Black…"

All three looked as though their faces were about to explode from containing their laughter.

"Why… hehe.." Remus was having a lot of trouble keeping a serious face. "That's not…. Ghmmm not funny at all…"

The compartment exploded into loud laughter.

After a while of Sirius sulking at the window while the others nearly pissed themselves, James decided enough was enough. "Come on... guys… now…." he said with a chuckle and looked cheekily at them. "Seriously…"

They burst out laughing again.

Sirius groaned.

This was gonna be the longest train ride ever.