Chapter Title: ALL HAIL DELIA AND MARTHA STEWART!
Disclaimers: I don't own Lost... Oh bugger. ¬.¬' Oh well, at least I own the idea to this story! And yesss... Everything anybody in this thing says or does was thought up by me.
Rating: It's what it is just to be safe.
Author's Notes: Used to be a chapter in Charlie's Thought Process but I took it out because it was SERIOUSLY off-story line. So I decided to make it the beginning chapter of a whole new story! YAAY! Hehehe, sorry to people who only have CTP on their alert list, but I'm making sure that story doesn't get a plot. Why? Because. X3 And by the by, I DID happen to change a few things in this chapter.
Reviews: None yet, but highly appreciated.
We find ourselves peering in on a sight that will probably never happen again- Charlie and Sawyer talking in a (almost) civilized manner. Sawyer had been tired of being moody and alone, so he decided to chat with the first person he saw. Charlie wasn't happy that he got tackled for no apparent reason, but Sawyer was one of the few people who didn't want to pet him.
"Sooo.. what's your real name?"
"Jeremiah."Sawyer answered with a small glare.
"Were you a bull frog?"
"I was jokin', Jackass. I ain't telling' you nothin'."
"Oh fine. Be that way." Charlie crossed his arms over his chest and stared at Sawyer without blinking. To be honest, it was freaking the redneck out. He threw up his hands in a defeated manner,"James! It's James, happy?"
"WHAT? You got a problem with it?"
"No... But can I call you Jimmy?"
"No."
"Spoilsport."
"Damn straight."
"Can't say that to a gay man!"
Sawyer stared at Charlie, who clapped his hands over his mouth. He wasn't really gay, he just wanted to say that because you really COULDN'T say that to a gay man. Because... well, they weren't damn straight. "YOU'RE GAY?"Sawyer exclaimed, in a shocked manner. Seeing Charlie hang around Claire so much, Sawyer was SURE that the Brit was straight. Had that just been a cover up? Now that he thought about it, Charlie liked to hang around Hurley a lot... "I'M NOT GAY!"Charlie exclaimed, waving his arms comically,"I just meant that you couldn't--!"
"YOU'RE QUEER!"
"CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT MY SEXUAL ORIENTATION?"
Of course, this attracted the amused attention of the other people wandering about the beach doing nothing, being the extras that they were. Poor extras. They didn't get story lines of their own. There was a bit more yelling between Sawyer and Charlie before they finally agreed to talk about it later, since they were both hungry now. They got up and trekked up the beach and into the jungle, where(hopefully) they would find some fruit or something, since only God knew where Boone and Locke were and what the bloody hell they were doing.
Charlie looked up into a tree and frowned,"Is that pantyhose?" he asked, squinting to get a better look of what was hanging in the tree. Sawyer stood next to him and looked up and nodded to confirm that it was indeed... pantyhose. What pantyhose was doing in the tree, neither of them knew, but Sawyer wanted it. Just to add something unusual to his pack rat horde. Hell, some guy could want to cross dress one day... not that it was going to be him, but somebody might want to!
"Oy! What're you doin'?"Charlie exclaimed as Sawyer starting to scale the tree in a very girly fashion so his hair wouldn't get messed up. "I'm gonna go get the pantyhose, what does it look like?"Sawyer snapped, just narrowly avoiding a branch that might have wanted to lodge itself in his perfect locks. Sawyer had scaled the tree carefully in no time and reached out to grab the pantyhose. But as he reached out slowly(as was the usual was to reach out for something in a movie or TV show) an arrow whistled through the air and lodged itself in the tree, just above Sawyer's head. But being too absorbed in reaching out at a painfully slow rate at the pantyhose, he didn't seem to notice that freaky island natives were trying to keep him from touching the sacred pantyhose of their God- Martha Stewart. This didn't stop Charlie from noticing, though. He spun around twice and fell over trying to look at them. He looked up at the sky and blinked, wondering why the author was being so mean to him, when one of the natives stood over him, peering down. She was tall and pale with long flowy blonde hair put in small braids. "Who the sod are you?"Charlie asked irritably, trying to sit up. She put a foot on his chest and prevented him from doing so. "WE ARE THE CRAP-HOLE ISLAND NATIVES!"She screeched. Charlie winced,"Could you stop yelling?"
"I'M NOT YELLING!"
"Ok then..."
"THAT ONE UP THERE IS TRYING TO STEAL THE SACRED PANTYHOSE OF MARTHA STEWART! HE MUST BE STOPPED!"
"What, no bloody HELLO?"
She paused and blinked down at Charlie. "Good morning, Star shine! The Earth says... Hello!" If that wasn't strange, Charlie was sane in his own little world, which everybody knew wasn't true. Then that was when it hit him- it wasn't a woman who was standing over him! It was a man in a butch leather mini-skirt pretending to be a woman! Or was he dressed like that and completely oblivious that he looked like the opposite gender?Charlie blinked again as Sawyer still reached for the sacred pantyhose of Martha Stewart. He hadn't gotten very far in his reaching."Is Martha Stewart on this island?"Charlie asked curiously. The man lifted his foot off of Charlie's chest and nodded gravely,"She was brought to us from the Goddess Delia-"
"ALL HAIL DELIA!"The other natives chimed in with silly hand motions, making the Man in the butch leather mini-skirt glare at them before continuing to talk,"Yes, Hail Delia, BUT! As I was saying, Martha Stewart was brought to us by her, and now we worship Martha Stewart! She is at our secret village that some people have managed to pass by without noticing!"
"Can you take me to the village?"Charlie asked, thinking that maybe, if Martha Stewart had these amazing powers to get pantyhose in trees, that maybe she could get them off of this island, or make it better by adding drapes or curtains somewhere to make the place a bit more homey. The man in the butch leather mini-skirt nodded,"Yes. Then we may be able to stop that man from taking the Sacred Pantyhose from the Tree of EEEHHH!" Charlie was about toask why it was called the Tree of EEEHHHwhen he was cut off by a blood curdling scream from somewhere in the forest.
"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS THAT?"
To be continued...
Aaaand scene. For now, anyway. Please go review while I try to write the next chapter. I swear it'll be longer than this one!