Author's Note: The title is an homage (read: BLATANT RIPOFF)to a show calledFamily Guy. It is a rather coarse show, but then again, so is my story. I can never think of good titles anyway. Today is our last day of school. While I'm happy that summer is here, I'm also a little sad because I will never see some of the characters in this story again as we move to different high schools.
By some strange fluke, Plan 2B won the vote. "Last ones to run away have to create the distraction!" yelled Dan R. as he ran off the rooftop, fell two stories, and landed with a crunch.
The others used a conveniently placed ladder to flee.
Miraculously surviving his fall without injury, Dan R. got onto his feet and looked about. To his great surprise, Odysseus and Kyle were still on the roof. At first, he waved and said hello. Then, he realized that Odysseus and Kyle were still on the roof. "Why are you two still on the roof?" he asked them incredulously.
Odysseus, who had a large pile of wood surrounding him, now slammed his hand on the roof. "I said I wanted to build a wooden horse, and by Hephaestus' gimp leg, I'm going to!"
Kyle shrugged in his annoyingly apathetic way. "I didn't care."
"Oh," said Dan R.
A momentary pause. Kyle and Odysseus were still on the roof. "Do you mean to tell me that Taesup and Tybalt, who were both incapacitated at the time, were able to get off this roof before you?"
Odysseus was quite involved with his work, so Kyle answered, "Yeah."
Dan R. rubbed his hands together. "Well, we'd better get started on that distraction, huh?"
Odysseus glared at him. Kyle straightened his glasses and brought out his I-Pod. "You have a good time with that."
"Now see here!" yelled Dan R., "We voted on this stupid plan and both of you are going to help me!"
Five minutes later, Dan. R was on a suicide mission to distract the army of Verona. He felt that his strategy was one of the most thought-out suicide missions ever conceived. Really, Dan R. couldn't think of any plan that was more thought-out or more suicidal.
First, he would throw some heavy object (a rock, a watermelon, a small child) at a passing guard. A chase would ensue, and he would evade them with some disguise glasses he got in a Kid's Meal. While the guards were looking for him, he would sneak off and join up with his friends.
It had to work.
It didn't.
Dan R. was completely surrounded by vicious, watermelon-covered guards in an alley that smelled of waste and broken watermelons. Stealthily, Dan put on the disguise glasses. No one moved. Suddenly, all the guards burst out laughing. Dan R. began to feel very silly. "You guys were stupid enough to believe that we were a bunch of dogs."
Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #285 said, "Well, you put those on right in front of us. That fooled us once, and it cost #172 his life. How dense do you think we are?"
Dan R. decided it was in his best personal interest not to answer that question, so he took his makeshift disguise and rubbed the non-existent lenses.
"Well, it doesn't matter," said Royal Sentinel #285, "You obviously might know someone who knows the conspirators, and so, by the power invested in me, I sentence you to death!"
However, this death sentence was never carried out. At that exact point in time, something began gnawing on Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #34's leg. "Oh, the horror!" he cried before he was eaten alive. His comrades and Dan R. turned to see fifteen terribly obese pigs. The Royal Sentinels ran for their miserable lives, except for #90. He was eaten alive. The ranks of pigs parted, and the fattest pig Dan R. had ever seen stepped forward on its spindly legs. "I don't believe it," exclaimed Dan R., "it's Yosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili!"
"No," said the fattest pig, "I am Napoleon."
"That's interesting."
"Isn't it?"
But Dan R. had already run away.
Later, when he would retell the story to his friends, it was a tale of courage in the face of danger, where he slew two of his pursuers after they beat him terribly and made him listen to Brittany Speares music, which is close to being the same thing.