Author's Note: MAJOR Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince spoilers in this chapter. But if you're on the internet, you probably know them anyway.
"Well, I'm feeling rather good about all this.
I feel we've all arrived at a very special place.
Spiritually, ecumenically...
...gramatically..." Pirates of the Caribbean
When Romeo and the others arrived at the tomb, they found to their shock, most of the guards unconscious and Pip tied up. Juliet waved to them. "Hi, I kind of got tired of waiting for you guys so I took matters into my own hands."
This was all well and good, everyone was tired of fighting. With all major conflicts resolved, all that there was left to do was to wait for Mr. Hanna.
Hours passed, and the rain eventually stopped. Reece panicked. "Where's Mr. Hanna? If the rain stopped, the play must be over! The living cast members are discussing how they are going to stop fighting… where's Mr. Hanna?"
There was a flash of light. The sun rose. Everyone glared at Stephanie. "How was I supposed to know the universe wasn't going to end?" Nobody answered her, but had their attention focused upon Mr. Hanna's universe-traveling machine, which had suddenly appeared in the center of the graveyard. Mr. Hanna stepped into the light of the rising sun, with his friends Teddy Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan. He looked at Jim. "I trust everything is all right?"
"They did very well, Bill."
"Good. You may remove your mask, Miss Liptak."
Everyone was slightly confused that Jim was really Miss Liptak, but no one said a word. Mr. Hanna continued, "Taesup, the real Jim is with the fairies in the forest. Please fetch him."
"Right-o, old bean."
While they waited for Jim and Taesup, Mr. Hanna explained that Miss Liptak was watching over them the whole time, and Jim had joined Oberon and Titania in the ranks of the fairies via pixie dust. ("I knew it," said Caitlin.) He had brought T.R. for asskicking purposes and Ronald in case the students were unable to fight off the communists.
To kill time, Julie asked if Mr. Hanna really knew everything. "Of course, I even knew that SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE in book 6."
"Could you tell me what happens in book 7?"
"Of course." And he told her.
From there, the conversation became even more meaningful and everyone was so depressed that it was a relief when Taesup, Jim, the fairies, the greasers, and the Apothecary arrived.
They crowded onto the machine, and lived Happily Ever After™.
Romeo and Juliet
Upon arriving in the 'real' world, Romeo and Juliet discovered the wonders of modern divorce lawyers. In a scandal that would be remembered for all time, the two star-crossed lovers made up and broke up for forty years.
Pat R.
Became one of those wonderful divorce lawyers, with a rebuttal that shook modern law: You're wrong, shut up.
Ponyboy and the Greasers
Only Ponyboy chose to return to his original time. He bought huge amounts of stock in Microsoft and other companies at Taesup's suggestion, and currently owns the world. The other greasers became dancers on Broadway, and their kids go throughout New York City, beating up poor kids.
Dan
Toppled all competition and became the true Lord of the Dance. People came from all around the globe to witness the magic.
Chris
His recordings of the whole affair brought fame and fortune. With the help of his good friend Taesup, Chris was able to buy an island for himself and set up an anarchist (or was it animalist) government. To this day, no one is sure if the residents of Chris' Island of Fun are autocrats, aristocrats, or animalists. Or anarchists.
Taesup
Eventually, Taesup became so rich that quadbajillionaire ceased to define him. Just thinking about the amount of money in his possession was enough to blow the mind. When he grew tired of spending his money on trips to Pluto, Taesup used his immense wealth to cure disease and end poverty.
Kyle
After studying black holes for years, Kyle became so well-versed in pocket dimensions that he created one in his image. In his new home, he won the science fair every day and was able to listen to his i-Pod indefinitely.
Reece
Reece was mocked in the literary community for his papers on Romeo and Juliet. Critics said that the characters were far too unlike how they were in the play. Ridiculed and scorned, Reece vanished and did not meet fame and fortune like his classmates.
Blake
His innovations in the internet allowed him to start a computer company. After he had acquired enough money, he made sure that no one would have to go through more than a day without internet access.
Stephanie
Stephanie suffered some brief angst after being horribly, horrifically, wrong about the end of the universe, but she got over it. Became head of a ninja clan and went on many wild and wacky adventures with a dancing grizzly bear.
Tim
Lived a quiet life as a muscular supermodel by day and a piano-playing bad dude by night for many years.
Pip
Pip died drunk, alone and friendless in a London alleyway shortly after Mr. Hanna sent him back to his own universe.
Dan R.
Went into politics. During his presidential campaign, his slogan became: "A vote for Dan is a Vote for EVIL!" Dan, however, was not in the presidential race. Dan R. lost the election.
Mr. Hanna
Mr. Hanna won the election.
Caitlin
Caitlin was the only student who lived a somewhat normal life. She and her family went on numerous vacations and she and her husband loved each other very much.
Jim
Stopped the show as Puck, with realistic flying effects and firsthand knowledge of the character. Went on to play the Nurse in subsequent shows. Later, Jim turned to soccer, and, through rigorous training, went to the Olympics.
Pat
Pat created a rocket fuel that allowed mankind to travel to places far beyond the solar system. He and the Apothecary created a successful business.
Ramya
Became a cult leader. Her special wine became excessively popular. Traveled the world curing lepers and walking on water.
Tybalt
Thoroughly done with homicide, Tybalt became a priest in Ramya's new order. Together, the two brought peace and happiness to the world.
Julie
With the help of Mr. Hanna and the millions of dollars she made betting on the outcome of the seventh Harry Potter book, Julie became a Supreme Court Justice. After all, it was that or move to Canada.
Odysseus
After being away from home for twenty years, the mythological king decided that no one would miss him. Odysseus became the new English teacher after Mr. Catagnus retired at Pennbrook Middle School.
The Fairies
Opened a nightclub in Albuquerque, New Mexico and took 'nighttime revelry' to a whole new level. This led to 'Oberon's Magical Love Flowers' to be sold in drugstores throughout the world. The nightclub eventually started a chain.
Napoleon and His Pigs
The night following their adventure, all the students had roast pork, regardless of religious or moral beliefs.
Benvolio
Who cares?
Mercutio
Mercutio awoke from his drunken fervor. He recalled parallel universes, a lot of students, Romeo, and some Capulets. There were fairies and communist pigs, along with a corrupt English gentlemen. And dancing. A mind-boggling amount of dancing. "Bartender, what have I been drinking?"
"I dunno, just come in from the New World."
A pause.
"Another round!"
Author's Note: It's been fun. I know the stories here in the Shakespeare section tend to be a bit more highbrow (I know, I've read some) and so I hope nobody was offended by my crude caricatures of your favorite characters. Thanks again to the three people who reviewed. Libra Horse: Thank you so much for the use of your account and your constant support and feedback. You're great.