Chapter 5:
Hoshi shifted uneasily in her seat. The atmosphere on the bridge had been distinctly cool since they'd left space dock, but she couldn't quite pin down the reason. "I wish I'd stayed on Earth," she thought wistfully as she shifted again, trying not to think about the woefully missing camaraderie that had made this job fun.
"We are approaching a binary system Captain," T'Pol told him then as she ran a routine scan.
"Is there anything interesting down there Malcolm?" Jon asked.
His anger and disappointment with T'Pol had been bubbling just the surface for nearly a week. Somehow, he had convinced himself that he didn't need to deal with how he felt about the situation, choosing instead to pretend it didn't exist.
The tactical officer suppressed a sigh. The first time the captain had bypassed T'Pol and asked him a question, he'd been surprised, but it had become routine now. "It doesn't appear so sir. A few class M planets, none of them inhabited. That's all."
"Travis, why don't you swing us around so we have something to look at anyway," Jon ordered.
"Aye sir," Travis said with a nod, smoothly changing the ship's course.
"Captain, may I see you in your ready room please?" T'Pol requested then, biting back her anger.
"Of course," he replied indolently, rising from his seat. "After you."
The entire bridge crew gaped at his blatant rudeness, wondering what was going on. His words had been polite, but the tone and attitude were anything but. Things between the two commanding officers had been tense before, but he had always treated her with professional courtesy in front of the general rank and file. This had degraded to an all-time low.
T'Pol's lips tightened as she left the bridge, only waiting for the door to shut behind them before turning her barely contained frustration on him. "Captain, has my performance been lacking in some way in the last week?" she questioned.
Jon shrugged, leaning against his desk and crossing his arms. "Not that I'm aware of," he replied.
"Then why are you side-stepping me at every opportunity? You ask Lieutenant Reed for information when my scans would be far more detailed, you ignore me unless I speak to you, or if it's absolutely necessary. I could be invisible!" Her short rant finished, she stared at him, waiting for an answer.
He returned her glare, taking pleasure in knowing he had riled her. "Having some trouble controlling those emotions T'Pol?" he asked snidely. "It's not as easy as it looks, is it? Still sure you can handle it?"
"Has this week just been some test?" she asked incredulously.
"I thought you didn't need a test. You said you were perfectly capable of commanding; do you still think so? Do you still think you can keep your emotions under control?" he demanded, sneering as he uttered the word 'emotion,' turning it into a four letter word.
"Is that how you have rationalized your attitude towards me this week?" she questioned quietly. "By telling yourself that you need to know if I can maintain my composure, even when I am being treated poorly? Have you convinced yourself that this little training mission is for the good of the ship, and it doesn't matter how you have to act for it to work?"
"Ah… I don't know," he admitted, starting to sense that his behavior had been less than perfect.
"Well Captain, I suggest you figure it out," she told him sharply, her patience wearing thin. "Until then, since you have made it so clear that my presence is not needed, I will be working from my quarters."
"I guess I went too far," he admitted, wanting to apologize but unable to get the words past his lingering anger. "I've got to get this figured out, today," he concluded, knowing the current state of things on the bridge was not helpful for good order and discipline.
"T'Pol… wait," he said before she could leave. "I have something to do, you need to stay."
"You're actually trusting me with the ship?" she asked. "I assumed my emotions would be too much for me," she said sarcastically.
"I'm sure you'll be fine," he muttered, quickly escaping the small room.
"You have the bridge, T'Pol," he announced for the benefit of the crew, wincing when he saw their surprise as he stepped into the lift.
"Have I really been so awful to her that she doesn't think I trust her to do her job, or that the whole bridge crew wonders as well?" he asked himself, nodding absently to a crewman he passed in the corridor. "Be honest with yourself Jon," he told himself then, shaking his head slightly. "You don't fully trust her to do her job."
"And with good reason!" part of his mind protested. "She lied to me for months, didn't tell me about a serious medical condition… How am I supposed to be able to trust her? She could have died, and I never would have known why."
A memory of the fear he'd felt when she had told him came to him, and with it the faint thought that perhaps it wasn't simply anger he was feeling. "Trellium kills Vulcans," he reminded himself, feeling his mouth go dry at the thought. "I saw it happen with my own eyes, am I going to be watching it happen to T'Pol?"
Shaking his head briskly, he shoved aside the images of Seleya crew, half out of their minds with and dying because of it. Anger he could handle, but not the thought of losing her. "As a crewmember," he added hastily just before reaching sickbay.
"Hello Doc," Jon said, walking in and taking a seat on a biobed.
"By all means Captain, make yourself at home," Phlox said dryly, staring at him over a cage of bats.
"Thanks," Jon replied, distractedly swinging his legs back and forth.
"Is something disturbing you Captain?" Phlox questioned when the captain didn't say anything else.
"Huh? Oh… yeah, you could say that… I just don't know how exactly to bring it up," he said, scratching absently at his stubble.
Phlox cocked his head to one side, trying to determine the source of his disquiet. "Is it something about a crewmember?" he asked, not seeing any signs of physical discomfort and quickly jumping to the next most logical conclusion. If the captain wasn't here for himself, he was probably seeking information about someone else.
"Yeah," Jon said, fidgeting slightly, not quite looking him in the eye.
"Now we're getting somewhere," Phlox thought, thinking he knew what was going on. At least he hoped he did, he'd been urging T'Pol to tell the captain of her condition for a while. "Ah… perhaps a member of the bridge crew?"
Suddenly Jon looked up, his gaze sharpening. "You know," he accused, feeling betrayed once again.
A genuine smile on his face, Phlox spread his hands out in front of him. "I can neither confirm nor deny that Captain… at least not until you tell me what we're talking about," he added hastily, attempting to cut off the other man's protest and ready anger.
"You know what we're talking about!" Jon exclaimed, jumping off the bed and approaching the doctor. "T'Pol and the Trellium!" he said, looking intently at him, daring him to deny any knowledge of it.
To his credit, Phlox did not flinch under the intense examination, simply answering calmly, "That's what I thought, I just wanted to be sure. Yes, I've known for about two months."
That was more than Jon was expecting. "Wait. You've known… for two months… that my first officer was under the influence of drugs, and you didn't tell me?"
"Well, to be honest by the time she came to me she was no longer experiencing direct effects," Phlox said with a shrug. "She was however suffering from rather severe withdrawal."
"Withdrawal?? She was addicted??? Does no one believe in telling their captain anything anymore?"
The question was rhetorical, but Phlox felt compelled to defend himself anyway. "I did encourage her to tell you, but she was rather adamant about not doing so. As her physician, I was bound by confidentiality agreements to adhere to her wishes."
Anger welled up in Jon once again, but he tried to tamp it down. Learning that someone had wanted T'Pol to tell him and she had still chosen not to do so upset him, and it bruised his pride. Didn't she think he was approachable? "Let's get something straight Doc," he said sharply. "If one of my crew has an illness or condition that affects their mental capacity, you will inform me."
"Captain…" Phlox began to protest, not liking the thought of being ordered to divulge what he considered confidential information.
"You will inform me, or I will go back to Earth and get a doctor who will," Jon said firmly. "Are we clear?"
Phlox sighed, knowing he would abide by the captain's rules. No other medical posting had ever given him the sense of fulfillment that being on Enterprise did, and after three years, most of the crew considered him to be their primary physician. He wouldn't leave just because of a philosophical difference with the captain, but he did feel compelled to state his discomfort with the new policy. "Absolutely… but for the record, I don't agree."
"You can not agree all you want, but that's how it is." Taking a quick breath, he reminded himself that he wasn't angry with the doctor. He deserved an explanation, not just arbitrary commands. "Phlox, she almost broke down at least once right after she stopped taking the Trellium. What if she'd been on the bridge, or on an away mission?" He watched the Denobulan's expressive face, pinpointing the exact moment when the full implications of what he was saying sunk in.
"Yes, I can see how that might be a problem. Very well, I will inform you of anything that affects their mental abilities—but only mental captain. I won't be coerced into telling you anything beyond that."
"That's fair."
"Good. Now that we've reached an understanding, what was it you wanted to discuss? But remember, if it is something about her physical condition, I reserve the right not to answer."
Jon stared at him, suddenly aware that he hadn't come to talk to Phlox about the mental effects of Trellium, or the necessity of a doctor-captain agreement. Those had been the reasons he'd give himself, or rather that he'd allowed himself to see. His real reason was much simpler, and much more complex. "I wanted to know… she said she kept taking it for three months. Are their any possible long term effects?"
"Well, she will most likely never regain full control of her emotions, not the way a Vulcan should have control anyway. I believe she is adapting to that rather well though, learning to deal with them in much the same way humans do."
"I'm sure she loves that," Jon muttered. "But what I'm really curious about… we saw what Trellium does to Vulcans after prolonged exposure. I saw the zombized Vulcans on that ship Doc, and I saw the bodies. Is there any chance…"
He stopped, unable to finish the sentence. Instead, he looked at Phlox imploringly, silently asking him the question he could not voice.
"Ah, you want to know if there's any chance it could kill her," the doctor asked bluntly.
"Yes," Jon replied quietly, steeling himself for the worst.
"No Captain, I believe she is out of danger in that respect. If she had continued taking it, there might be a different story. But she did not, and there are no more traces of Trellium in her system anymore. If she was going to experience any of the negative side effects, they would have occurred by now."
Relieved, Jon jumped off the biobed, ready to return to the bridge and pretend that the last week had never happened. "Thanks Doc."
"Captain, I do have a question for you," Phlox said before he could leave.
"Yes?" Jon asked, glancing over his shoulder.
"What was your response when she told you? She was quite sure you would be angry, it was part of the reason she did not tell you earlier."
"I… well, yeah I was angry. She should have told me ages ago, no scratch that. She shouldn't have taken the Trellium to begin with, I don't care what her reasons were. It was foolish, she could have killed herself."
"Did you tell her that you were upset because she could have died, or did you just yell at her?" Phlox asked astutely, knowing the answer before he asked the question. "How humans manage to have any relationships at all is beyond me," he mused, still amazed at the lack of communication skills they exhibited in their personal lives.
"Ah… I might have just yelled at her," Jon admitted sheepishly, shuffling his feet against the deck. A sudden picture of how she must have taken his accusations became clear to him, sending guilt spiraling through him.
"Well, think about it… you might want to go back and explain. If you feel it is necessary of course."
"Thanks Doc, I might do that," Jon said, walking out deep in thought.
"It was mostly worry that caused me to react like I did, wasn't it?" he realized. "And I told her that, but I told her I was worried that she might have done something to put the crew in jeopardy. I didn't once tell her I was concerned about her, I just jumped straight to how it made me feel.
"And to be honest, I don't like how it makes me feel. Maybe that was part of it. She only cared about me because the drug told her to care about something… I don't want to admit how much that hurts."
When he reached the bridge, he was surprised to see beta shift on duty. Apparently, he'd spent more time talking with Phlox than he was aware of. Covering his blunder easily, he walked straight to his ready room and retrieved a padd before returning to the lift, trying to look like he was intently reading whatever it said.
Once he'd reached his own deck, he walked quickly toward his cabin, half inclined to have food brought to him tonight. Somehow, eating with others didn't appeal to him, especially T'Pol. If he sat with her for very long, he might see even more clearly how much he had wronged her, and that would be… awkward.
Stopping just inside the door, he realized what he'd just told himself. He didn't want to see her because he didn't want to have to admit he was wrong. It was time to take care of this. Setting down the padd, he exited the room without letting the door shut at all, not even stopping to change into casual clothes.
Once he reached his destination, he took a deep breath. "I can do this," he told himself, hitting her door chime. Yes, he had come to the conclusion that an apology was necessary, but he wasn't sure he could keep his own emotions under control while talking to her. "Can I talk with you T'Pol?" he requested from outside her door.
"Of course Captain, you may come in," she answered, rising to open the door herself. "Can I help you?" she asked hesitantly when they were face to face.
"I hope so," he told her. "I have some issues that I need help working through, and I was hoping I could talk to you about them."
"I am not sure," she hesitated.
"Please?" he pleaded. "There's really no one else I can talk to."
"Very well… as long as it is work related," she agreed.
"No, actually it's not," Jon said, her words reminding him that he was treading on shaky ground here. It stung a little to know she didn't trust him fully right now, but he knew it was no less than he deserved. "Or perhaps you could say it is… I'm concerned about one of my crewmembers
"Believe it or not, I understand your reticence," he said hurriedly before she could launch into a speech about the foolishness of asking her to help him. "We have a phrase on Earth: 'Once bitten, twice shy'."
"I am unsure how that pertains to us," T'Pol replied blandly, trying to maintain her cool façade, trying to hide how much his recent behavior had hurt her.
"I guess I'm going to have to spell it out for her," he realized. "She's not going to let me get away with just hinting at what I mean… and after the way I've treated her, I can't say as I blame her," he thought guiltily, taking in the wary look on her face.
"It means that once you've been hurt by something, you're less willing to try it again. It's a natural fear," he assured her, wanting to ease her fears.
"Fear is not natural for a Vulcan," she said reflexively, drawing back into the protective realm of old patterns.
"Ah, and there we get to the point," Jon thought. "No, I suppose it's not," he said aloud. "Why don't you let me tell you what's on my mind? If you still don't want to talk to me, I'll leave."
"I'm not sure what purpose it would serve, Captain," she said stringently, wanting nothing more than to be left alone, in a situation where this man did not have the power to hurt her.
"Would it change your opinion if I told you my concerns are about a Vulcan?" he asked quietly.
"A Vulcan?" she repeated, her eyes darting back and forth nervously.
"Yes," he said, getting to his feet and moving to stand in front of her. "This Vulcan has been on my staff for three years. In that time I have come to depend on her level-headed approach to any situation Enterprise has found itself in. Her calm, rational thinking has saved us more times than she knows."
He paused, taking a moment to gauge her expression. The growing agitation he saw there worried him, but he also detected a desperation to be understood. That was what drove him to continue. "But lately, her logic has become erratic. Her reasoning has been, dare I say it, emotional."
T'Pol drew a breath, thinking this was her chance to explain. "Captain, I…"
"I'm not through yet T'Pol," he said softly. "I admit that as the captain, I should have noticed the changes before I did. I should have realized that something was wrong with you months ago, but I was too involved in the mission. I'm sorry for that," he told her, moving closer to her.
"You are not to blame Captain," she said, trying to appease his guilt. "I did not want you to know what was happening."
"That may be T'Pol, but I should have seen it anyway. I just wasn't paying enough attention, and it could have gotten you killed."
"That is unlikely. At the rate I was consuming the Trellium, it would have taken me at least a year before it reached dangerous levels in my bloodstream."
"Somehow, that doesn't comfort me," he muttered, taking a moment to process the knowledge that she could have died, despite Phlox's reassurances.
"T'Pol, I didn't express myself very well earlier," he said then. "When you told me you'd taken the Trellium, I got angry with you."
"You had every right to be angry," she said. "I broke your trust in me, my actions were foolhardy…everything you said was correct."
"Yes, but I didn't say everything that needed to be said. I didn't tell you that it scared me to think that you could have died, and I wouldn't have known why until it was too late. I didn't tell you that you're a valuable member of the crew and that I'd hate to lose you. I didn't say any of that."
"No, you did not," she said, unable to believe that he was saying those things now.
He saw that, and plowed on with his speech. "I should have though, and I'm saying it now. I'm also informing you of my new policy—from now on, anytime something happens that you think might affect your ability to perform your duties, I need to you let me know. This is going to be a ship wide policy; I get the feeling a lot of things went untaken care of while we were on our mission. That's got to stop now."
"Does that apply to yourself as well?" she asked, looking at him intently, seeing a chance to turn the focus from her to something else that had been disturbing her lately.
"What?" he asked, thrown off by the change in subject.
She repeated her question, being more specific this time. "Are there things in your life that went unattended to that you will deal with now, or are you going to focus on everyone else?"
The almost accusatory tone in her voice caught him off guard. "What are you talking about?" he asked defensively.
"Our mission changed you Captain," she told him. "You lost some of what makes you a good man—the kindness perhaps. Are you going to take that back, or is it simply the way things will be from now on?"
"Are you giving me a lecture?" he asked, getting riled up. "I came here to apologize, and now she's blaming me for even more things?"
"No Captain, I am simply asking a question. You said we would begin dealing with things that got pushed aside while we were in the Expanse. I think it is a good idea, but I would like to know how much is actually going to change. Apparently I have my answer," she said curtly, turning away from him.
Her questions threw him off guard, making him think about things he'd been trying not to think about. Quick flashes came to him—keeping the alien closed in the airlock until he got the information he needed, willingly stealing a piece of equipment from another vessel… all things done in the name of the mission, things he never would have done before.
He knew he had a lot to answer for, but he was still surprised to hear it coming from her. She had always been confrontational, but this went beyond anything she'd done before, and he didn't know what to say.
"T'Pol…" he said, not sure how to answer her.
"You may go Captain," she told him formally.
He stared at her back for a moment before nodding slightly, despite the fact that she couldn't see him. "Good-night Sub-commander," he said quietly.