Chapter 9:

"I don't get women," Trip muttered, walking back to his cabin. "Here I thought she'd be all happy to spend the evening together, but no… 'I need to spend some time meditating, Commander,' she says, all formal-like. Commander? For crying out loud! We've been dating for more than two months! She hardly calls me Commander when we're on the bridge, and now she's doing it when we're in her quarters? What's up with this?"

Something was definitely not quite right with his Vulcan, and there was only one person he could think of that might be able to explain it to him. "The cap'n seems to understand her better than most of us… maybe he'll have some answers for me. And if he doesn't, we can just sit around drinking and talking about how we don't understand women," he added with a grin, changing course and heading for Jon's cabin.

"Hello Trip, is there anything I can do for you?" Jon asked, not moving from the door to let him in.

Trip frowned. He'd thought the formality in his girlfriend's tone was odd, but at least she had her Vulcan heritage to explain it. But Jon—his best friend Jon—had never been this aloof with anyone, unless he was upset with them.

"Yeah," he answered slowly. "You could start by telling me what I've done to piss people off lately."

Jon bit back the curt response that came automatically. It wasn't Trip's fault the woman Jon loved had chosen him instead; in fact, he probably didn't even know anyone else cared for T'Pol. "I'm sorry Trip," he said contritely, trying to put a tone of friendship in his voice. "It's just been a long day, I didn't mean to sound unwelcoming. Come on in and have a seat," he offered, stepping away from the door.

"Thanks," Trip replied, still puzzled by the cool reception he'd received but willing to accept the explanation Jon had given.

"So, is someone else upset with you right now?" Jon questioned, having caught the use of the plural in Trip's earlier request.

"Well, I don't know if she's upset with me… but T'Pol's been acting awfully strange lately," Trip answered.

Jon willed himself not to stiffen at her name. The sharp pain he'd felt when she'd chosen Trip had faded into a dull ache, but he still wasn't sure he was ready to listen to Trip's relationship woes. "Strange? How so?" he asked neutrally.

"She's running hot and cold—one minute she wants to be with me all the time, and she gets upset if I have to work extra, even though she knows that sometimes long hours come with the territory, and then tonight I went over to her quarters and she told me she needed time to meditate. Meditate! I thought she'd want to us to spend time together, since she keeps talking about how I'm never available, but she wanted to meditate!"

"Well, you know meditation is important to a Vulcan's mental health," Jon reminded him, trying to calm him down a little.

"Yeah, but she called me Commander—not Trip." More than her attitude, this was what was bothering him. To be called by rank…

"That is your rank you know," Jon teased.

Trip shot him a glare, letting him know he wasn't in the mood for jokes. "Jon."

"I know, I know," Jon ceded, acknowledging the point Trip was trying to make. "It isn't what you'd expect from your girlfriend."

"Not exactly. I mean, did Caroline go around calling you Commander while you two were dating?"

"Only when she was upset with me," Jon said dryly, recalling some of the rockier moments in his longest relationship to date.

"And that's what I'm saying!" Trip exclaimed, rising from his seat to pace. "Why's she upset with me? She knows I have an important job, surely she's not really angry that I can't spend more time with her. And if she is, then how come she turned me away when I could?"

"Sounds like a typically finicky woman to me," Jon jibed, letting a little of his bitterness out.

"But Vulcans aren't supposed to be finicky," Trip protested. "It's not logical."

At the word logical, Jon finally sat up and took notice. He'd only truly been giving Trip half his attention—he wanted to be there for his friend, but it was just too painful listening to him complain about the relationship Jon wanted for himself.

But if T'Pol wasn't acting logical… there was only one explanation for that. Unfortunately, it wasn't one he could give him without breaking her confidence, and despite how much she'd hurt him, he wouldn't do that to her.

"Have you talked to her about it all?" he asked cautiously.

"Nah... I guess up till now I haven't had the time to really notice how moody she's gotten. It's just that now that I realize, I don't get it. Do you have any clue what's going on with her? I thought you might, since you kinda understand her better than most of us."

It was hard to deny the pleading look on his best friend's face, but Jon stood firm. "I might have some idea, but you really need to talk to T'Pol about it. Second hand information is no substitute for a face to face talk."

"But she doesn't want to spend any time with me!" Trip argued. "How am I supposed to ask her if she won't stay in a room with me for longer than 10 minutes?"

"Tell her you need to talk, tell her it's important. She'll stay if you phrase it like that," Jon told him.

"Are you sure?" Trip asked skeptically.

"Trust me," he promised.

"You seem to have some experience with this."

It was a credit to Jon's ability to mask his feelings that even though Trip was watching him closely, he didn't catch the pain that flickered across his face. He had experience all right, and it wasn't something he liked to think about. "I had to nail her down one time when I had something to tell her. It worked for me, it'll work for you. After all, she's in love with you—isn't she?"

Asking that question killed him. He lived every day with the fear that Trip would come bounding into the captain's mess for breakfast, unable to contain his excitement as he said, "Cap'n, guess what! Me 'n T'Pol are gettin' married!" Truly, he didn't want a confirmation of her feelings for Trip, but as his best friend, it was a question he had to ask.

"I guess so… I'll try it anyway," Trip said doubtfully, moving to the door.

"Let me know if it works," Jon requested, rising to escort him out.

"You bet."

Trip stared at the door for a moment, puzzled by his friend's behavior. "Something there isn't right either," he realized. "I just can't put my finger on what it is… but one thing's for sure: he knows more about T'Pol than he's tellin'. I guess I'll have to do this his way and go ask her about it… if she'll even talk to me," he mused, walking briskly down the corridor.

"Who is it?" T'Pol asked when her door chime rang.

"It's me," Trip replied, girding up his courage for her inevitable rebuff.

"I told you I didn't want to see you tonight Trip," she said, agitated.

"Yeah I know… I think we need to talk though," he insisted. "It's important."

"Very well, you may come in," she said resignedly.

"Don't be so enthusiastic," he told her as the door opened.

"I was not aware enthusiasm was required for this discussion," she said snippily, not rising from her seat on the floor. "If it is, perhaps you'd better come back another time."

Trip raised an eyebrow in surprise as he sat down in front of her. "Sarcasm doesn't really suit you," he commented, eyeing her response.

"Your opinion is noted. Now, what did you want to talk about?" she asked brusquely.

"I wanna talk about this," he said, gesturing to the space between them.

"What exactly is this?" she questioned, being purposely obtuse.

"This!" he exclaimed. "The distance between us, how you won't even talk to me. I don't get it, what's wrong with you?"

The instant the words were out of his mouth, he knew he'd said the wrong thing. "I did not know anything was wrong, but if you find me so lacking, perhaps you would be happier with another woman," she suggested irritably.

"Whoa whoa whoa!" he said, holding his hands up in front of him. "I didn't mean it like that, and you know it. Besides, who said anything about me finding you lacking? Look, I think you're great T'Pol, you know that. I've been halfway in love with you for a while, and all the stuff we've experienced together in the last year just really brought that out, in both of us I think. I just feel like you're keeping something from me, and I can't do a relationship with you unless I know what it is."

He paused, looking at her to see if he was getting through. Instead of softening though, her expression was still stony, and he sighed in frustration. "T'Pol, a relationship has to be based on trust," he reminded her gently.

The word trust hit her hard. The complete advice she had given herself had been haunting her for almost a week now, and she had realized that she had not truly trusted Trip with anything. Perhaps now was her chance to do so, perhaps her older self had been right, perhaps he could help her with her emotions if she truly trusted him.

"You are right, there is something between us, something I have not shared with you," she admitted. "I have had… some medical issues lately, and I did not know how to bring it up with you."

"Is it serious?" he asked, immediately concerned.

"No, it is nothing serious… nor is it physical. I have been less able to control my emotions."

"So I've noticed," he muttered.

"Do you remember what happened when I was exposed to the Trellium on the Seleya?" she asked.

"Yeah, you went all crazy… your emotions were just kinda all over the place."

"All over the place'," she quoted. "Yes, that would be a good description of it. While my reasoning was still slightly impaired, I decided that I could help the crew if I became immune to the effect it had on me. Captain Archer would not protect Enterprise with it as long as it was dangerous for me, and he would not leave me behind somewhere for the welfare of the ship. I felt… I felt like a burden to the crew, keeping them from a small measure of safety the Trellium would have provided. I did not like the sensation, and I could not wait until Dr. Phlox discovered an inoculation.

"Instead, I sought one myself. With some poisons, it is possible to become immune by ingesting small doses, gradually upping the amount until no amount will harm your system. With that as my plan, I snuck into the cargo bay and stole a chunk of Trellium. I found a way to purify it, and I injected it into my system."

"Wait a minute!" Trip said, holding up his hands. "Are you telling me you've been taking Trellium-D willingly? Something you know can kill you?"

"That is correct," she agreed. "Afterwards, I discovered that certain emotions were quite… pleasant. I decided that I wanted more of them. For a while, the only emotions I experienced were the positive ones. Then others began to creep in, such as fear. I did not realize until the events at Azati Prime that I had become addicted to the substance."

"Right… because you couldn't get to the cargo bay," he said, trying to take in all she had said. To think that a Vulcan would willingly do something to feel emotion… it was mind boggling. There was just too much to take in.

"So what you're saying is, you were pretty much on an emotional high half the time we were in the Expanse," he said slowly, trying to piece it together.

"That's a crude way of putting it, but I suppose it works," she said unhappily.

Trip nodded, thinking everything through. "Wait a minute!" he said. "Were you on Trellium the time we slept together?" he asked, almost accusingly.

"I was," she affirmed. "I was not high, as you put it, but it is logical to assume it was still present in my bloodstream."

"And then the next day you said it had just been an experiment… do you know how much that hurt?" he demanded.

"Truly? No." Once again, the things that hurt a human were surprising her. In truth, she had known her words would hurt him some, but she had not realized to what extent… just as it had been with Jonathan.

Shoving thoughts of the captain aside, she forced herself to listen to what Trip was saying. "Well, it hurt a lot. A whole lot. Here I'd thought we'd just shared something, that maybe we were starting something, and then you came off with a comment like that. So tell me T'Pol, which was real? Were we real, and the emotions of it just scared you so you had to back off? Or were you so appalled by the thought that you'd just slept with a human that you had to find some way to break it off?"

"I…"

"No," he said, cutting her off, "You don't need to answer that. Your own words answer it for you. It was just an experiment you said… just like your experiment with emotions. I was just your willing test subject, like some kind of lab rat or something."

The words he was saying hurt almost as much as the truth they contained. She had used him, badly, and she knew that now. It had not been her intent however, and she was desperate for him to see that, not wanting him to leave. "Trip, you are over reacting!"

"How can you say that T'Pol? Do you know how I'm feeling right now? You know… I heard that when the cap'n met you, he said you had no idea how much he was restraining himself from knocking you on your ass. Right now, I'm feeling about the same way."

"Yes, and the captain felt the same way when he learned about the Trellium too, but once he realized…"

"He knows? The cap'n knows that my girl was messing around with drugs the whole time we were gettin' closer? If we're a couple, how come he knew before I did T'Pol?"

"As the captain, it was important for him to know anything about his crew that might affect their performance," she answered quietly.

"Ah, so he knew the whole time and just let you keep shooting up? I don't think so," Trip said, shaking his head.

"No, he only found out recently… shortly before you and I started our relationship the second time."

"Ah… Tell me something. Did you think about testing your newfound emotions on him?"

Trip took one look at the way T'Pol glanced away, unwilling to answer his question, and he knew she had. "You did, didn't you? And then either he turned you down, or you changed your mind. After all, why go after the cap'n when there's someone else onboard that's already proven to be an easy mark. So what am I, your ready and willing volunteer? Oh but wait, I'd have to know what was going on to volunteer, now wouldn't I? No, I'm just the poor dupe who fell in love with you… and was stupid enough to think you felt the same."

"Trip wait!" she begged, watching helplessly as he strode angrily toward the door. "You are not being fair," she pleaded, desperate to keep him there. She had already alienated the captain, if Trip left she would have no outlet for her emotions.

"I'm not being fair?" he questioned incredulously, whirling around to face her. "You've gotta be kidding me! You used me, and now you're sayin' that I'm not being fair? Well that's just tough, Sub-commander, because I'm not gonna be here for you any longer. You'll just have to get yourself out of this mess."

"But I do not know how!" she admitted, overwhelmed by the discussion.

Trip took in her confusion and fear, and his expression softened slightly. "And I'm sorry, truly I am. I'm guessin' you didn't think any of this would turn out like this, but I just can't be with you anymore, I would never know if it was real."

"We could try to make it real," she suggested desperately.

He shook his head slowly, saying, "No, our chance is up. I've got an idea though… why don't you think about why you told the captain about all this before you told me. That might help you out some," he told her, walking about of the cabin and letting the door shut behind him.