Two for One
Disclaimer: No I do not own Metal Gear Solid.
Warnings: None except for the fact that it is incredibly cheesy, and stupid and has no point whatsoever. : )
Solid Snake pulled his car keys out of his pocket as he left the mall. He walked to his car, proudly wearing his new pair of cargo jeans that he had just bought from JcPenny's.
He approached his black 2001 mustang and unlocked it with his key. He quickly sat down on his tan leather seat and stuck the key into the ignition. Closing the door, he started up his car and turned on his radio to the song Our History by Sakamoto Maaya. Quickly, he changed it to something that suited him more and ran into a station that was playing Heart of Sword by T.M. Revolution and left it.
As he drove down the highway he could not help but think about the blonde man he had seen in 'Penny's. The man had worn a pair of black sunglasses, a black T-shirt, and a pair of ragged shorts. He kept complaining to the person behind the counter about a certain pair of pants. Snake had not stayed to find out what type of pants they were. He never paid any attention to people's personal problems. Only his own, and most of his problems included rescuing hostages and getting rid of nuclear warheads. Now he was finally free and his ex-Colonel Roy Campbell had given him the car he was now driving. Although Snake found the car more feminine than masculine, he kept it, unable to afford anything else.
He pulled into his driveway at his rundown house. The house had no gutters, and the blue paint was peeling off. The only thing that made his house presentable was the neatness inside of the house. Compared to the inside of Raiden's house, Snake's was perfect. If Raiden and Snake ever decided to get together and have a BBQ along with Rosemary and Meryl, they always had it at Snake's house.
Snake pushed open his door that was barely held in place by the top hinge. He closed the door carefully behind him and flipped the light switch on which hung on the wall below a tacky coat rack. He decided to cook himself dinner after his stomach growled loudly.
He threw on a pink apron that had light blue flowers on it so he would not mess up his new jeans. Rose had given him the apron at their last BBQ after he had set himself on fire. He also had a pair of matching oven mittens that sat on the counter next to his stove at all times. In the kitchen, were a normal gas oven, a black dishwasher, a silver fridge, a medium sized sink, half a dozen cupboards, and a door that led to the backyard. He pulled a pound of thawed beef from his fridge and tore off the plastic. After throwing away the package the beef came in, he dumped the beef onto a heated pan on the stove. As he waited for the beef to cook, he pulled out a butcher knife to dice tomatoes, and lettuce for his tacos.
Suddenly, the back door swung open as Snake raised the knife to cut the vegetables, and a blonde man wearing a brown overcoat, and sunglasses barged in and pointed a black handgun at Snake. As a reflex, Snake spun around, threw the knife at the intruder, and hit the wall instead. After taking a good look at the man, Snake realized that it was the man from earlier.
"I want my jeans Snake!" the man yelled with a British accent. The voice seemed to be familiar, and Snake thought before finally realizing who it was.
"Liquid?" he asked. "What do you mean?"
"Those jeans that you're wearing! I want them! They're mine!" he yelled in reply.
Snake stared at him confused. "Why do you want these?" he asked.
"You bought the last pair of them at JcPenny's. It just so happens that that is the type of jeans that I want. Now hand them over." Liquid demanded.
"But you're wearing a brand new pair of jeans right now." Snake stated pointing to the pair of jeans that Liquid was wearing.
"Yes, but I was also going to get the ones that you're wearing when I found out about the two for one deal they had. I would have been able to get another pair of jeans that were the same brand. When I went back to get them, they were gone!"
"I didn't know about that deal. No one told me about it." Snake complained.
"That's because you're ugly. I'm hot, and I seem to be able to manipulate females to do my evil bidding."
"And getting a free pair of pants is your evil bidding?" Snake asked.
"Sort of." Liquid replied. "Now give them here. I don't want to shoot you because then your blood would stain the jeans." He said changing his mood.
"How do you know they'll fit you?" Snake asked, wanting to keep his jeans.
"Do you think I'm stupid? We're twins! Of course they'll fit me!" Liquid protested.
"Then I guess that also means that we're both hot." Snake argued.
"There's no way you're hot, now stop trying to change the subject!" Liquid approached Snake and held out his free hand, but kept his gun pointed at Snake.
Snake stood still, trying to think of a way to keep his new jeans. After a few seconds of hard core military thinking, Snake finally came up with something. "Did you ever try going to another JcPenny's?" Snake asked with a smart tone.
Liquid lowered his gun a few inches and stared blankly at Snake. "No, I guess I didn't."
"Oh, did we have a blonde moment?" Snake asked sarcastically. Liquid glared at Snake for his comment as he put his gun away.
"Just because I am blonde does not mean that you have the right to make fun of me. Anyway, to save time, I want your jeans."
They stood, staring at each other until Snake finally smiled. "I don't think you'll want these anymore. You better start calling up some different JcPenny's stores if you want a pair like this one." Snake said enthusiastically.
"Why would I do that?" Liquid asked angrily.
"Because I just farted, and it smells like rotten eggs." Snake said, trying to keep himself from laughing.
Liquid's jaw dropped to the floor, and he stared at Snake with disgust. Turning his back to him, Liquid opened the back door and started to walk out. Before closing the door behind him, he turned to look at Snake. "Just so you know, I wouldn't have wanted those anyway. They were already tainted from the second you put them on." After saying his last words, Liquid slammed the door behind him.
Snake pried his knife out of the wall so he could get back to cooking his dinner. Whether Liquid succeeded in getting his jeans or not, Snake could never know. The one thing he concentrated on from that night on was to cook dinner sooner and avoid JcPenny's whenever they had discount deals on new jeans.
Author's Note: See? It's incredibly stupid. I wrote this because in the first Metal Gear Solid game all Liquid talks about is DNA and genes. So I changed genes to jeans! I don't care if you criticize this one-shot. I already agree that it's stupid. I was just very bored. Please review! Whether it's nice or not, I don't care.